by Tri Amutia
I nodded. I was getting used to his sudden behavior. It didn't surprise me when suddenly he stopped over. "Yes."
Joshua took deep breaths and slowly held my hands. I jerked slightly; I guessed I didn't fully trust him yet.
He sighed and looked at my eyes. "You want to leave me?"
I smiled slightly. "I didn't say I wanted to leave you. I just need time to think again about everything."
"But, you still want to marry me, right?"
I froze.
Joshua looked at me with panic in his eyes. "Or not?"
I took a deep breath and slowly released my hands from his hold. I turned my head to see the road. "What you did was not an easy thing to forgive, Joshua," I told him. I looked back to his eyes. "I fell in love with you, I trusted you, but you threw it away. Perhaps we will realize what we really mean to each other if we live separately again."
He trembled slightly and held my shoulders so I turned to him. He took several deep breaths. "Is there anything I can do to have your love back or to have your trust back?"
I smiled grimly. "Maybe there's a way, but honestly I can't answer your question either. If we were meant for each other, we will find our way back together."
"Are...are you really...calling off our engagement?" His voice full with pain.
My heart clenched. "I'm not calling it off. We just need time for ourselves; to think about everything."
Joshua looked at me with sad expression. Suddenly he hugged me so tight and I went rigid.
"Why must everything come to this? I just got you back, Abby."
I smiled and patted his back. I released his hug and held his shoulders. "We will be fine. I know we will."
He smiled sadly and slowly leaned over to kiss my forehead. "You're still my fiancée, Abby."
I took a deep breath. He said that once, but then he broke my heart. "Don't make promises that you can't keep, Joshua Walsh," I said sternly.
He looked into my eyes and smiled grimly. "That's not a promise, Abby. That's a vow."
~O~
We didn't say much on our journey back. I distracted myself by listening to some music from my iPod. I didn't know what time is it now for we were not allowed to turn our cell phone on; and I could tell it was nearly midnight, but I didn't feel tired or wanted to sleep. I was thinking about what I will do when I arrived back at Seattle. Moving out, definitely. But, my schedule was so full and I remembered I must attend Melinda's wedding on Sunday. I groaned mentally when I remembered my sedan. I will have to ride with taxi to my office until I buy a new car. I realized going to England was not the best choice. I didn't want to escape to another country just to stay away from him. I've never been to another country before; I didn't know if I could handle the culture shock all by myself. I didn't have plans to ask Joshua to come with me to Melinda's wedding yet, so maybe I could rent a car for my journey to Long Beach.
We arrived at the apartment at 2.00 am in the morning. I walked back to the room and when I opened the door I could feel the atmosphere was really changed. I used to feel home and warm, but now it felt cold. I walked to my bedroom and closed the door behind me. I lay on my bed and stared at the ceiling. My eyes still didn't want to close. I decided to listen to some music from my iPod until it was time for me to change my clothes and went to work.
I spoke with Mr. Smith and told him that my decision is final. I didn't want to go to England and he said he will give me a higher position. I felt elated, of course, because I was not a junior editor anymore. I was so happy and I called Stella to tell her about the news. Stella was happy for me too and congratulated me. She didn't ask much about me and Joshua, and I was thankful for that.
After speaking with my boss and my best friend, I prepared myself to work again with Kelly. I spent the day reading and editing and I brought the manuscript to my apartment so I could work from my laptop. I went home to an empty apartment; Joshua must be still in the hospital. I took my shower and ate my dinner in silence. After I finished, I walked to my bedroom and began to work in my laptop. I turned the music on and began my work. A few moments later, I heard the front door opened and I stopped momentarily. I heard footsteps and then I heard another door was opened. He was home. I took deep breaths and returned to my work. The next day was the same. He already went to the hospital by the time I woke up.
On Thursday night, he was knocking on my bedroom door when I was working from my laptop.
"I hope I'm not interrupting anything," He said to me and sat on my bed.
I took off my glasses and shook my head. "No, you're not. Is there anything wrong?"
He smiled slightly. "Uh...Melinda called me this morning."
I raised my eyebrows. "O...kay..." I momentarily slapped myself. I forgot to tell her that I'll come to her wedding.
He took a deep breath. "She asked me if we were attending her wedding or not."
I pursed my lips. "Of course I'll go. I already planned to rent a car and drive to Long Beach. I'll tell her." Joshua knew about my sedan and now the old car was still in the apartment's garage. I already am advertising in local newspapers to sell the old thing.
Joshua looked at me cautiously. "I want to attend her wedding too."
My eyebrows shot up. "Really?"
He nodded slowly.
I chuckled. "Well, that's good. We'll see each other there." And then I turned around to my laptop and wore my glasses back.
"I'm asking you to go with me," He said again.
I froze. Slowly, I turned around and looked at him. "Excuse me?"
"I will ride with you to Long Beach," He told me.
I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. "Well..."
"Please, Abby..." He pleaded. "I know you're upset. I know you're angry, but...I feel miserable these days with you avoiding me. I will give you time, I will give you space, but please...just this one occasion, let me go with you."
I stared at him blankly and he sighed. "I know you'll be moving out soon. I can feel that. But, please tell me if I have just one chance, even the slightest one to have your love back and your trust back. I will do anything."
I scoffed. "Save your words, Joshua. It means nothing to me. You said those beautiful words and then you snuggled up with Natalia. Who do you think I am, Joshua?"
He pinched the bridge of his nose and looked at me. "I know, Abby. I was stupid-"
"You're not stupid," I interjected. "You're a moron."
He blinked several times while I sighed. "If you have nothing else to say, you may leave. I still have work to do," I said flatly.
He closed his eyes briefly and approached me. I instinctively backed away a little in my chair and his eyes flashed with hurt. He raised his hand gingerly and stroked my cheek. I turned my eyes from him. My heart beat turned erratic. The feeling of anger and betrayal clouded my thoughts. Slowly, he kissed my forehead while I clenched my fists. He still had the effect to my body, but I didn't trust him now.
"I love you," He whispered.
I didn't answer him.
He walked out from my room and closed the door behind him. I stayed still in my place before turned back to my laptop.
~O~
Sunday morning came and I didn't know why I had to agree to go to Long Beach with him. I just brought one small bag filled with the green dress that Stella bought for me along with the outfits, casual clothes, underwear and my toiletries bag. We didn't have plan to stay longer because we both had to go to work on the next day; and wearing a dress definitely not the best choice for a long journey. Stella called me and said she couldn't attend Melinda's wedding, because she couldn't take day off from her work and there was no way she could arrive in Long Beach and returned to New York in a day. As for Joshua, I still didn't speak much with him and he didn't try to talk with me either.
We went to Long Beach early in the morning because Melinda's wedding will be held at church on 4.30 pm. Not to mention the reception. I distracted myself with my iPod and my BlackBerry, never glancing to Joshua's
direction. We stopped two times to use the restroom and bought some snacks and we still didn't speak much. Joshua pulled over to my dad's house in lunch time. My dad being a good host invited Joshua to have lunch, but he politely refused and said goodbye to me on the porch. He kissed my forehead like he used to do while I didn't say much to him. I walked in into the house when his car didn't fully leave the driveway. I slowly walked on the steps when my dad called me.
"Where were you those two days?" He asked me from the bottom of the stairs and I stopped on my feet.
I sighed. "I went to New York, Dad."
"Joshua was looking for you that day," My dad said again.
I smiled grimly. "I know."
"He told me what happened."
I turned to my dad and walked down the stairs until we were in the same level. "He told you the story or his side of the story?" I asked flatly.
My dad smiled slightly. "He looked miserable, Abby. I can't describe it to you. He was so confused, so...lost. He begged me to tell him where you are. Of course, I didn't know where you are so I told him the truth. He didn't stay long, though. He went back to Seattle and flew to Phoenix. At least that what was your mother told me."
I rubbed my temples.
"Abby...honey," My dad touched my shoulder lightly. "I trust Joshua. He will never cheat on you. He just tried to...avoid that woman for good."
"You didn't see him that day, Dad," I said to him in shaky voice. "He did that in the middle of my office's event. What was he thinking?"
My dad sighed. "I know that, honey. I told him that too. He didn't say anything when I almost yelled at him."
I blinked several times. "You did?"
He chuckled. "I'm still your dad, Abby. You're still my responsibility...well, literally, until I handed you to his hand."
I sighed.
"Sometimes the truth hurts. But, it's better if you know it from Joshua himself rather than anyone else. He was man enough to admit his mistake. He said to me that he already spoke with William too and I think his father didn't like what that woman did either."
I nodded slowly and my dad hugged me tenderly.
"He loves you, Abby, with all his heart. Sometimes the way we know which one is our true love is by heartache."
"Like you and mom?" I mumbled.
He chuckled and released his hug on me. "You can say that. I love your mother so much and I still love her now. But, your mom needs a man who's more than me and I can't blame her."
I swallowed hard. "That's what worries me, Dad."
My dad raised his eyebrows. "What? That you will find another man better than Joshua?"
I smiled grimly. "No, Dad. I'm worried that Joshua will find another woman better than me." I laughed lightly. "Natalia is beautiful."
He chuckled. "If he chooses that woman over you, he'll do that when he was in Canada."
I laughed sadly.
"Talk with him, Abby. And I mean is...really talk."
I smiled again. "Thanks, Dad."
He nodded and I walked back on the stairs up to my old bedroom. I lay on my back on my bed and stared at the ceiling. I turned the alarm on from my BlackBerry and sleep caught me afterwards.
~O~
Joshua picked me up at 4.00 pm and I said goodbye to my dad before we left. We will return to Seattle after the reception so we could arrive by midnight. We headed to the church and arrived just in time. The minister was Melinda's uncle and the church was decorated in white. I unconsciously imagined what my wedding would be like, but I quickly dismissed that thought. Melinda gave the both of us the front seat, next to her family. Brian looked gorgeous with his black tuxedo and he looked so happy. I smiled slightly and gave him a knowing smile when he looked at me. He mouthed 'thank you' to me and Joshua and I replied him with a wink.
And then the melody from the piano turned to the wedding march and I could see two beautiful girls walked in wearing gold dress with flowers in their hands. They must be Melinda's cousins, no doubt. And then, Melinda walked inside with her father; dressed in beautiful white gown with the veil and flowers in her hair. I almost cried when I saw her. I knew they loved each other deeply and I wished I could have that kind of relationship too. I smiled grimly. And then I felt Joshua held my hand and I looked at him. He smiled tenderly as if he could read my mind. I blushed and quickly turned my gaze from him.
The ceremony went beautifully. I watched my best friend changed vows and now officially became Mrs. Compton. I hugged her tightly when she came down from the altar to hug her parents.
"Congratulations, Melinda. I'm so happy for you," I said to her.
She chuckled and released her hug. "Thank you so much, Abby, and thank you for coming. I'm waiting for your invitation, though," She winked.
I smiled slightly.
After watching the newlyweds driving away from the church, Joshua drove us to the reception's venue. It was held in Melinda's house because she wanted the event to be simpler. I met with some of my high school friends too and they surprised to see me came with Joshua. They thought I was just another conquer for him. I grimaced mentally.
I was still not used to a crowded place and so many people made me dizzy. Joshua sensed my weariness and wrapped my waist gently.
"Do you want to go out?" He whispered.
I sighed and nodded. "Yes, please."
He smiled and walked me to the garden outside Melinda's house. I took a deep breath and sat in one of the benches. I stretched my legs and rubbed my ankles. Joshua looked at me tenderly and held my hand. "Let me do that for you."
I froze while he smiled and kneeled in front of me. He looked very handsome tonight wearing a brown shirt, a dark coat and dark trousers. He gently massaged my ankles and my body almost squirmed from the contact. We've never shared any contact like this since our arrival from New York.
"Better?" He asked me.
I nodded. "Yes. Thank you."
He continued to rub my ankles and my body relaxed immediately. "What do you think about the wedding?" He asked me in low voice.
I blinked several times and he looked at me with his beautiful eyes. I felt daze for a moment before I shook my head. "Uh...it's beautiful," I mumbled.
He smiled grimly. "Yes, it is."
Silence.
I looked to the man in front of me and my conscious part told me to talk with him. I've been asking many questions to myself since that night. If he really loved me, he wouldn't cheat on me. Would he? If he chose that woman over me, he won't waste his time on me. Right?
"What was exactly happened that night?" I blurted out.
Joshua's hand stilled on my ankle and he raised his head to look at me. "Pardon me?"
I gulped. "What...was exactly happened...that night?" I repeated more slowly.
He blinked several times and then he sighed. He rose from his kneeled position and sat next to me. "She came to me and asked how I've been. The usual. She saw you too, of course, and she asked me why I chose you."
Okay, I can take that.
"I gave her my answer and then suddenly she wrapped her arms on my neck and asked me to kiss her. She promised she won't interfere with my life anymore if I kissed her."
I went rigid.
Joshua chuckled nervously. "And then I heard someone call your name and I quickly turned to see you were standing there. I was shocked, of course. I didn't know if you ever going to believe me with my story. And you know what happened next...we sat together and Helena called you to the podium..."
He laughed lightly and looked at me. "You don't know how proud I was at that time, Abby. I knew you were angry, but you still keep your smile for her. It was amazing and I felt guiltier."
He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "I started to panic when I saw you didn't sit back on your chair. I tried to follow you, but you were already gone. I called you, but you turned off your phone."
I remembered that.
"Natalia came to me again and she still had the nerve to say that I should forget you. I w
as beyond furious and almost yelled at her. I asked her how she could be in this event. She never liked books; she just pretended to like it so she could have reasons to be with me. She said Helena is her cousin and that's why she attended the book launching. I said to her that I will never love her and I only love you. I also told her to stop interfering with my life and I could ask my dad to make sure of that."
He gingerly raised his hand and stroked my cheek. I still sat there, froze. "I was looking for you all night," His voice turned shaky now, as if the memory was painful to him. "I didn't know what I do if I couldn't find you."
I sighed and closed my eyes.
"Abby, I swear to you...I never cheat on you. I love you so much. Please, my love. I really...can't stand this distance. I'd rather you kill me than avoiding me," He said again.
I opened my eyes and looked to those hazel orbs. He looked at me with sad expression. I sighed and leaned myself to the bench. I stared at the starless sky. "Because it will make sense if you cheat on me."
"Wha-What?"
I smiled grimly and looked over my lap. "You were a player once, although you didn't admit it. You said you did it for my attention." I chuckled lightly. "It's just strange if you suddenly devoted yourself to me, the plain Abby Bennett."
And then I felt he lifted my chin and turned my face so I looked at him. He looked at me deeply. "Abby, I know I've hurt you, even though it was unintentionally. I know you won't believe me so easily. But, you have to know something." He sighed and held both my hands into his.
His hands felt so warm and my heart skipped a beat. I didn't realize I missed him for being this close. His eyes were smoldering now. "My heart already belongs to you since I was six years old. There's no one that I want but you. I love you. I truly love you."
I laughed nervously.
He frowned. "You still don't believe me, do you?"
I gulped. "I want to believe you, really. It's just..." I sighed. "It's so hard."
He smiled coyly. "Melinda's father and uncle are both ministers. I could ask one of them to lead our small ceremony right now."
Huh? What?
My eyes widened. He didn't mean that, did he?