So Much It Hurts

by Dawn, Melanie

  He pinched the bridge of his nose and creased his eyebrows.

  “I didn’t mean to bring it up. I’m sorry.”

  “No, it’s okay. It helps to talk about it sometimes. I had been living here about six months when it happened. She was supposed to be going back home that weekend to visit her parents. But, I talked her into staying that Friday night to go to a party my boss was throwing, and heading out on Saturday morning instead.” Clenching his fists by his side, he gritted his teeth and flexed his jaw muscle. He fought hard to keep his tears at bay by squeezing his eyes shut. I could see a look of painful regret spreading across his face. Only the redness around his eyes gave away any hint of sadness. The rest of his body exuded anger. “I was driving that night. We were on our way to the party, arguing about something. I don’t even remember what we were arguing about now. I just remember that she punched my shoulder, not even hard enough to hurt me, but just hard enough to cause me to cross the center line. I over-corrected, ran off the road in a sharp curve, and lost control. The last thing I remember is screaming while we flipped down an embankment, and then silence, except for the hissing steam coming from the radiator. I woke up two days later in the hospital, but Noelle was…gone.” He choked out a single sob, but restrained the rest.

  I leaned into him, pressing my head against his shoulder, gently rubbing my hand across his shoulders in an effort to console him.

  “I should have just let her go—let her go home on Friday night like she had planned.”

  “It’s not your fault,” I whispered. My heart broke for him. I couldn’t imagine the guilt he had been harboring for so many years, carrying the burden like Atlas carried the world on his shoulders.

  He continued, “I couldn’t even look at her parents at her funeral. They knew I had talked her into staying down here with me that night to go to a party. They knew I was the one driving. The only thing that redeemed me was the fact that I hadn’t been drinking…yet. I should have let her go home that night. I shouldn’t have been arguing with her, and I shouldn’t have been driving so fast.” Tears brimmed in his eyes.

  “None of this is your fault, Chris. It was just a terrible, horrific tragedy. Accidents happen. You have to stop blaming yourself.”

  Chris slumped his shoulders and sighed. “That’s what the grief counselors at the hospital told me. You can see how well that worked out.” He looked down at his feet, heedlessly digging his toes in the sand. “You know what I think the hardest thing about all of this is?”

  “What?” I asked.

  “Knowing that Noelle sacrificed her life for someone who wasn’t in love with her.”

  I stared at him, astounded, unsure of what to say. He stared back at me; regret and sadness manifested across his face.

  In a moment of sudden clarity, he said, “Oh my god! I remember what we were arguing about now!”

  “What?”

  “You.”

  Horrified by his answer, I screeched, “Me? Why me?”

  “Well, not you per se, but Noelle knew I wasn’t completely into her. We had been on dates, and I had hung out with her and her roommates a lot, but she knew I wasn’t in love with her. The accident happened around the same time I wrote that song, In Love with a Memory. That song meant everything to me. Writing it, at that time, was my lifeline and a desperate attempt to ease my heartache. She knew it, and she was jealous. I guess I don’t really blame her. But, I remember now. It was the first time I had heard the song being played on the radio. She wanted to change the station, and the argument began. She flipped to another station, and I switched it back. That happened several times before she finally hauled off and punched me on the shoulder.” He looked sadly at the ground. “I should have just let her change the station,” he whispered.

  We walked the rest of the way in silence. The quiet between us would have seemed awkward to anyone else, but to us it was pleasant. The chemistry between us felt so natural. It didn’t matter if we were talking, silent, happy, or sad. It all just fell into place so naturally. Our souls felt connected like two pieces of a puzzle. I missed that feeling. I missed the feeling of just being with someone, without any expectations. What a refreshing feeling!

  “Looks like the girls are winning,” Chris said as we got closer to the group.

  I laughed. The girls were sitting on the sand, watching Jeremy and Tommy toss the ball back and forth between them, strutting around and showing off like roosters in a hen house.

  “I guess so,” I agreed.

  “Well, I guess we better get going,” Chris announced to the guys as he intercepted the ball.

  “Yeah, we need to practice our set for tonight,” Tommy said, winking at Tori.

  “You girls gonna be there?” Jeremy flashed his smile at Lisa who grinned back.

  “Definitely,” Shannon confirmed, glancing at Chris and me as she said it. “We wouldn’t miss it.”

  “Too bad you girls aren’t gonna be here next weekend. We’re opening for The Rifters.” Tommy strummed his air guitar for effect.

  “Wow, I wish we could see that. I hear that Seth Jordan is a sexy beast,” Shannon teased him. “I guess you give him a real run for his money, huh?”

  “You got that right, babe,” Tommy pursed his lips and nodded his head with confidence, jutting his chin out as if to proudly proclaim his player status.

  Chris searched my eyes. I recognized the sadness in them because it was the same feeling welling up inside of me. While I was as happy as I could be that I had bumped into him after all these years, I knew the inevitable was coming—goodbye. I wanted this weekend to last forever.

  “See you tonight,” Chris whispered.

  I just nodded as my eyes glossed over.

  I sat nervously in the booth with my fingers fidgeting in my lap. I had unbuttoned and re-buttoned my sweater at least twenty times. I tried not to concern myself with the inevitability of seeing Chris again, but even the ring on my finger could not stop my heart from beating out of my chest. As much as I didn’t want to admit it to anyone, there was still a tiny corner of my heart that Chris occupied, even after all these years.

  “So, girls, what are we drinking tonight?” Lisa piped up as we waited for our appetizers. “It’s Amaretto Sours for me. Those are definitely my favorite.”

  “I love the Cotton Candy Cosmos!” Shannon shouted over the loud music.

  “Me too,” My voice cracked anxiously.

  “Well, I love me some Mango Margaritas. You girls don’t know what you’re missing!” Tori cried.

  “Oh don’t worry. I’ll have one of each!” Lisa squealed excitedly.

  Geez, we really don’t get out much, I laughed inwardly.

  Casually, I glanced toward the bar to see if he had arrived yet. Bummer…

  Lisa playfully bumped her shoulder into mine. “Who are you looking for, Kaitlyn?” she teased.

  “No one, just looking for our waiter,” I fibbed.

  “Well, honey, if you were looking for Chris, we’d all understand! He’s a major hottie!” Shannon giggled like a giddy teenager. The others nodded in agreement.

  “Speak of the devil…” Tori’s voice trailed off as she looked toward the door.

  My heart immediately started racing in my chest. I ducked down, trying to avoid being seen.

  “Kaitlyn, I’ve never seen you this way. That guy really has an effect on you,” Shannon declared.

  Lisa announced, “He’s looking around the room. I think he’s looking for you!”

  “Geez, Lisa, don’t make it so obvious!” I hissed.

  “Okay, okay. Uh oh, too late. He just saw me.” She ducked down. “Here he comes,” she whispered loudly.

  I caught my breath. My cheeks burned and I broke out in a nervous sweat. Quickly, I ripped off my sweater. I figured damp armpit stains wouldn’t look very attractive.

  “Ladies,” Chris turned on the charm as he approached our table. “Welcome back to Captain Joe’s.”

  “Hi, Chris,”...”Hey,”...
”Hello.” All the girls spoke in unison.

  “Kaitlyn.” Chris grinned as he gave a gentleman’s bow.

  “Hey, Chris.” My voice wavered as I gave a bashful smile.

  “I was hoping you ladies would be here. We’re performing tonight at ten. I hope y’all can stay for our show.”

  “Absolutely,” Shannon affirmed readily.

  “Great!” He gave his award-winning smile. “Kaitlyn, if you get a few minutes, I’d love to catch up with you again. Maybe we could go for a walk on the beach later.”

  “Uh...” I hesitated.

  Shannon piped up. “She’d love to.”

  “Shannon…” Tori hissed in a reprimanding tone, shaking her head with disapproval.

  Chris just winked at me. “Okay, great. I’m looking forward to it.”

  I just smiled at him like a buffoon as he turned around and walked away in search of his band mates.

  Tori spoke up. “So, what do you girls wanna sing tonight? I vote for Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.”

  “I vote for Pour Some Sugar on Me,” Lisa countered.

  “Girls, girls, girls...” Shannon laughed, shaking her head. “I say we bring the house down with Love Shack.”

  I just sat there, aloof and bewildered. Was I seriously about to take a walk on the beach, in the dark, alone with the man of my dreams from eight years ago? What would Michael say?

  Later, when Tori and Lisa had gone to the bar for some more drinks, I interrogated Shannon. “What are you doing?”

  “What?” she responded innocently. “I’m just finishing up these mozzarella sticks,” she said as she popped the last bite into her mouth.

  “No. I’m talking about when you agreed that I would go for a walk with Chris. What were you thinking? I’m married, Shannon. Married. I can’t just be alone in the dark, on a beach with a guy anymore.”

  “Come on,” Shannon replied. “You’re just going for a walk. To talk. To catch up. To reminisce.”

  “Yeah, but you don’t understand the history we had or the connection between us.”

  “I know enough to know that you won’t do anything you’d regret,” she said with a smile.

  I looked down at my hands, not knowing how to respond.

  Chris caught my attention from the stage as he was helping the stage crew set up his band’s equipment. He looked absolutely amazing in his black Affliction Henley. I couldn’t believe that I was staring at the same guy I fell in love with eight years ago. For a moment, the image of Michael reading a bedtime story cuddled up with Eli in his bed seemed like a cloudy, distant memory. Instantly, a flood of guilt washed over me. Michael. I shook the feeling away, and tried to focus on this moment with Chris. Who gets this chance? The chance to revisit the past? The chance to make amends? The chance to reconnect with someone who once had your heart? No, tonight I would enjoy the moment, and tomorrow I would have no regrets.

  “Hey Kaitlyn, are you ready to take that walk?” Chris smiled as he walked up to me.

  I grinned sheepishly. “Sure!” I replied.

  The girls congregated on the dance floor with the rest of Chris’s band mates. I had been sitting by the bar, secretly hoping that Chris would take that moment to steal me away. We walked side by side out the door. I caught a glimpse of Shannon as I passed by her. Her smile spread from ear to ear. At that moment, I felt certain she was living vicariously through me.

  The moon was bright against the dark sky. The waves kissed the shoreline in a constant rhythm. We began our walk in silence, lost in our own thoughts. Our shoulders brushed each other, and the spark between us sent a shiver down my spine.

  Chris finally broke the silence. “Kaitlyn?”

  “Yeah?” I asked.

  “Have you ever thought about me—about us—over the years?” he whispered, looking at the ocean where the moon’s reflection illuminated across the water. Stuffing his hands into his pockets, he sloshed his feet in the lapping waves as he walked.

  Sighing, I slumped my shoulders and scuffed my toes against the gritty, wet sand. “More than you know,” I finally admitted. I felt defeated, knowing that it didn’t matter. No matter how much I had thought about him over the years, it still didn’t change the fact I had exchanged vows with someone else.

  Chris stopped in his tracks. I took a step or two before I realized that he had stopped behind me. “What’s wrong?” I asked, turning around to see why he had stopped.

  “I just can’t believe we are here…together. I just can’t believe I’m having the opportunity to see you, talk to you, and be with you again, even if you are married.” Absently, he picked up a flat shell and skipped it across the water. He continued, “You have no idea how many times you crossed my mind—how many nights I dreamt of you after I left. You don’t know how many times I picked up the phone to call you, but couldn’t do it. When I saw you last night, my heart did somersaults in my chest.”

  “Mine too.” Tears had already begun to sting my eyes. “Why didn’t you?” I asked him.

  “Why didn’t I what?” he asked, seeking clarification as he skipped another shell across the lapping waves.

  “Call me,” I answered.

  Chris turned to stare at me. Even in the darkness I could see his jaw twitching with an emotion I couldn’t quite put my finger on. “Kaitlyn, it wasn’t that easy. Juvie was harder on me the second time around. They enforced stricter rules on me. I wasn’t allowed to use the phone for the first three months. I guess the judge had it out for me so I would never grace their doors again, but I wrote you letters.”

  I froze. “Wait, what?” My eyes narrowed. “You…wrote…letters?” I paused after every word, spitting them individually as if each of them were poison in my mouth.

  “Yeah, why?” Chris sounded confused as he tossed the last shell across the water and crammed his hands into his back pockets, rocking back on his heels.

  “Because I never got any of your letters! Not one!” I cried. “My mother must have intercepted them and hidden them from me.” My anger flared in the pit of my stomach. I vowed at that moment that I would get to the bottom of this little secret my mother had kept from me. How dare she interfere with my life, regardless if she thought she was protecting me.

  “Yeah, I started out writing letters every single day for the first few weeks, but I never heard back from you. After the first month, I just wrote letters once a week. Then, once every two weeks. But, I never gave up, not until I finally had the chance to use the phone. When I finally got a chance to call home, my little brother told me he saw you in town and it looked like you had already moved on with someone else. I just wanted you to be happy. I didn’t want to interfere. I mean, it had already been three months, you know? For all I knew, you were done with me and had forgotten all about me.”

  “Chris, I never stopped thinking about you. I was sinking deeper and deeper into my depression after you left. Not hearing from you only made it harder. I figured I would never hear from you or see you again. Then I met Michael, and he helped pull me out of the deepest depths of depression. I didn’t know what else to do. I wanted more than anything to be with you!”

  Why? Why couldn’t I have seen him six years ago? Why did I have to be married before I had the chance to see him again? Now the vows I took six years ago were preventing me from grabbing him and kissing him on the spot!

  I couldn’t help but curse fate. I nearly shook my fists toward heaven.

  “Kaitlyn, I’m sorry.” Chris gently wiped the single tear that had escaped my eye. “I didn’t want to make you cry tonight.”

  “It’s not you,” I said, taking a ragged breath. “It’s just that I never imagined I would see you again. I’ve been happy these last eight years, but seeing you last night brought back a flood of emotions that I wasn’t prepared to handle. I’m sorry. I’m really happy to see you. You just have no idea how happy...” my voice trailed off as Chris took a step toward me.

  “I do have an idea. That is, if you are even a tenth as happy as I a
m. Kaitlyn, I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you something fierce these last eight years. I never thought I’d see you again, and yet, here I am with you, the most beautiful woman in the world. I don’t want this weekend to end. I don’t want you to leave, and reality to set in—the reality that I will probably never see you again. I am so happy you’re here. But part of me wishes I hadn’t seen you at all. I thought I had healed from the pain of losing you the first time. Seeing you again just ripped that scar wide open. Knowing that you’re married with a kid…I don’t think I’ll ever be able to recover from that. My heart has always belonged to you, but you belong to someone else. I just can’t take it.” He reached out to hug me, swallowing me up into the warmth of his arms.

  My body went rigid; it was the first time I had felt intimacy like that, with someone besides Michael, in a long time.

  “I’m sorry.” Chris pulled away from me.

  “No. Don’t be.” I leaned in toward him, silently begging him to reach out again.

  He slipped his hands around my shoulders and ever so gently pulled me closer to him. I breathed the scent of his cologne. It was a similar musky scent I remembered from high school. I wrapped my arms around him and laid my head on his chest. Silently he swayed me back and forth and we danced to the rhythm of the lapping waves. Our breaths fell into a synchronized rhythm. I heard his heart pounding in his chest and felt mine doing the same. Our bodies seemed to fit perfectly together like the opposite poles of two magnets. I felt melded to him.

  And the two shall become one.

  The phrase resonated in my mind. Quickly, I pulled away. “I’m sorry!” I said, suddenly feeling very panicky.

  “What’s the matter?” Chris asked alarmed.

  “I’m sorry. It’s just...I’m married. I can’t let myself feel this way with you. I just can’t. I’m sorry.”

  “Kaitlyn, it’s okay,” Chris reassured me. “I understand. I’m sorry, too. I never should have brought you out here. It’s my fault.”

  “I’m so sorry!” I cried as I turned to walk back toward the bar. The tears freely fell from my eyes.