The Man Who Cancelled Himself

by David Handler

  Thor knelt in the damp earth beside the twin hydraulic jacks that presently held up that corner of the barn, scrutinizing one of the pressure-treated two-by-fours Dwayne had sistered in. “Lay a transit on her, boy?”

  “You bet I did, sir.” Dwayne shook a Camel out of the crumpled pack in his shirt and lit it, using his calloused palm as an ashtray. “She’s dead nuts, all right.”

  “Good work, boy. You’re a born craftsman. And, believe me, there’s no more valuable a man on God’s green earth.”

  Dwayne pawed at the ground with his unlaced work boot, more than a little flattered by Thor’s approval. “This is just a real honor, Mr. Gibbs,” he said shyly. “Meeting you, I mean. I’ve read all your books backwards and forwards. Especially Dickless Decade.”

  This didn’t completely surprise me. Young Dwayne was making a serious effort to improve his mind. One day on his lunch break I’d found him with his nose buried in On the Road. When I offered to loan him one of my own novels he allowed as how that would be righteous. I could tell when he’d started reading it—a look that approached awe crossed his lopsided face. Either it was awe or the hot sausage and peppers hero he brought for his lunch that day.

  But it was nothing like the look he had on his face now, meeting Thor Gibbs. This bordered on the religious. It was positively Jordanesque. “Man, I just never imagined I’d actually be standing here talking to you.”

  Thor waved him off modestly. “You give me way too much credit, boy. All I do is connect words. Bunch of bullshit. Not like this …” He gazed admiringly at the post-and-beam structure overhead. “This is real art.”

  “No way, man,” Dwayne disagreed heatedly. “All that stuff you said about how a man shouldn’t accept being unhappy, how it’s in his nature to go after what he wants … It wasn’t until I read that that I even dared to think such stuff. I mean, everyone’s always told me what I can’t have, can’t be …”

  “Man is an animal of strength and force and purpose,” Thor intoned, stroking his beard. “You have the power, Dwayne. It’s in here.” Thor thumped his chest. “And in here.” He gripped his balls. His own, not Dwayne’s. Dwayne hanging on the man’s every word. “Believe in yourself, boy. Be a man, damn it! And be proud.” Thor brushed off his knees, smiling at the kid warmly. He loved nothing better than a new disciple. Hadn’t had many lately. “How do you and your father get along?”

  Dwayne looked down at the ground uncomfortably. “We don’t,” he replied, stubbing out his cigarette in his palm and pocketing it. “He’s away.”

  Away in Carl Robinson State Prison, to be precise. For burning down the first selectman’s house in a small dispute over a borrowed Weed Whacker. Dwayne and his mom lived in a shack out by Rogers Lake. She was a schoolteacher, or had been. Got herself fired from the local elementary school for tying an unruly eight-year-old to a chair. These days the two of them lived on whatever Dwayne was able to earn, which wasn’t much—the child she’d tied to the chair happened to be the son of the biggest building contractor in the area.

  Thor shook his huge, gleaming head at him, his electric-blue eyes moistening. “And so you’re growing up with no male adult figure who you respect. You and a million other boys out there. In tribal times, you’d have been taken off in the woods for an initiation ceremony. A respected elder would let you in on what it means to be a man. Now, you sit and watch your football on TV, bombarded by beer commercials on the one hand and feminista bullshit on the other. It’s killing mankind. Killing us, I tell you.” He ran a hand over his weather-beaten face, disgusted, then heaved his chest and went strutting back out into the sunshine, where it was warmer.

  Our fleet was parked out there, safely out of harm’s way. Not that we doubted Dwayne or his hydraulic jacks. It was he who’d insisted we clear out the barn. Said it would be stupid not to. There was the ’62 Land Rover, which was battered and bruised and either tan or olive drab, depending on the light and how clean it was. Lulu’s favorite. There was the Jag, the sinewy red ’58 XK 150 drophead, every inch of it original, right down to the sixty-spoke wire wheels. My favorite. And there was our latest addition, which we’d bought for carting Tracy around: a powder-blue 1950 Ford Woody wagon that had belonged to our dear, departed neighbor, Margaret, an aviatrix who’d been a test pilot during World War I. Solid as a tank, heavy and quiet. And the Woody wasn’t bad either. Had 42,000 miles on it, no rust, its original wood and five brand-new wide whites. The clock even worked.

  Lulu was curled up next to it, eyeballing the barn warily. She won’t go in there if she can avoid it. It has bats and, from time to time, raccoons. Sadie was stretched out next to her in the sun chewing on a foot. She likes the barn just fine. But she likes being warm even more.

  The chapel door opened and young Clethra came padding out, her eyes puffy and her hair uncombed. She was barefoot, and wasn’t wearing any pants. Just a T-shirt and her black leather jacket, which just did cover her butt. Her legs were somewhat chubby, and blotchy from the cold. She painted her toenails black.

  “Clethra, dear child!” Thor called out to her. “Come over here and say hello to my friend, Dwayne Gobble.”

  She came scuffling over, most grudgingly. Until she realized Dwayne was her own age. Then her manner changed completely. We’re talking major thaw. “Whassup, cuz?” she asked him, all friendly and interested. Smiling even. All of a sudden, I felt very old. “You, like, work here?”

  “Sometimes,” he replied, gawking at her dumbly. Poor guy was utterly entranced. If this had been a cartoon he would have been hearing tweety birds. “For a while, anyway.”

  “Dwayne’s an artisan,” Thor informed her. “He works where he wants, when he wants. A man with his gifts is always a free man.”

  “Cool,” exclaimed Clethra, tossing her wild mane of black hair at him, her dark eyes flashing and playful. “Hey, can I bum one of those?”

  He was fumbling for another Camel. “Uh, sure. You bet.” He shook another one out of the pack and lit it for her. “I like your ring,” he said, meaning the one in her nose.

  “Check, I got this new one last week …” She pulled up her T-shirt so he could see it. It was in her belly button. “Jamaican dude in the East Village did it for me.”

  “Cool!” exclaimed Dwayne, very impressed. “Did it hurt?”

  “Duh, yeah,” she said most casually, dragging on her cigarette. “Like, I mean, if you want total excellence you have to do the time, know what I’m saying?”

  “You got that right,” agreed Dwayne, slipping her five and getting five back.

  Thor stood there beaming at the two of them like a proud parent. Me, I was starting to feel like David Niven in Prudence and the Pill.

  “Whoa, your truck is a piss,” she observed, scuffling over to it.

  Dwayne drove a jacked-up Dodge Power Ram, gunmetal gray, and bedecked with the usual he-guy bells and whistles—the mondo Trail Buster tires, the roll bar, the fog lamps. As well as some individual flourishes of his own. Homemade front and rear bumpers of pressure-treated lumber. And a rear window plastered with clever bumper stickers like “Red, Hot and Rolling” and “Lick My Meat” and “Perot for President.”

  “Awesome stereo,” she raved, getting up on her tippy toes so she could see in the window.

  “She’s got eight-inch woofers,” he informed her, his eyes firmly fastened on her own eight-inch woofers. “You into death metal?”

  “I used to be into Metallica, but then they got so commercial, y’know?”

  He nodded vigorously. “They’re totally bogus. I’m into Deicide now. They’re the truth, man.”

  Dwayne had played me a sample one day when we were working on the barn. To me, the truth sounded like a garbage disposal eating up a live rodent, and I told him so. He thought maybe it was a generational thing. I preferred to think of it as a taste thing.

  Dwayne tugged nervously at his goatee. “I’ll … uh … play ’em for you sometime. If you’re gonna be around, I mean.”

 
“Cool!”

  Dwayne grabbed his tools from the back of the truck and headed into the barn, work to do.

  “Yo, is there like a shower, homes?” Clethra asked me, reverting instantly to her brattier self.

  “I suppose we can arrange something,” I said stiffly. I didn’t mean to be inhospitable. I would have been plenty warm if she’d at least said good morning.

  “And, like, maybe some coffee?”

  “Of course, how cloddish of me. I’ll get right on it.”

  “Wait, I can make the coffee, boy,” Thor offered hurriedly.

  Fortunately, Merilee picked this moment to emerge, wheeling Tracy toward us in her buggy. At least I think Tracy was in there somewhere, interred under several blankets, the little cap Merilee’s sister, Gretchen, had knit for her planted firmly on her abnormally large head. Merilee was dressed for the mud in her denim bib overalls and green rubber wellies. Her waist-length golden hair was in a ponytail. She wore no makeup.

  “By God, woman,” Thor exclaimed, his voice booming. “You get prettier every time I see you!”

  “And you, Mr. Gibbs,” she said airily, “get more and more full of baked beans.”

  He gave her a big bear hug, lifting her off her feet.

  “Careful, you’ll get a hernia.”

  He laughed his lion’s roar of a laugh. “Nonsense. You’re light as a feather. Come meet my Clethra,” he commanded, dragging Merilee toward her.

  Merilee, still one of Miss Porter’s girls, treated her young guest to a dazzling smile. “Hello, Clethra. And welcome.”

  Clethra treated her to a bored shrug. And said nothing.

  “She needs a shower,” I said, between clenched teeth.

  Thor added, “I was just about to make a pot of coffee.”

  “Nonsense, I’ll do it,” Merilee assured him.

  “Like, I don’t even have a change of clothes,” Clethra complained to her. “But I guess you wouldn’t have anything that would fit me.”

  “Why, of course I would,” Merilee assured her cheerfully. Not so much as a nostril flared. “I hope you don’t mind spit-up stains.”

  “She’s a fine, strong baby, Merilee,” Thor observed, gazing down at Tracy in her buggy. “You must be very proud.”

  “Well, maybe a little,” Merilee admitted, glowing radiantly. The two of them stood there making a fuss over Tracy for a moment. Too long a moment.

  At least it was as far as Lulu was concerned. Unloved and unappreciated, she went skulking slowly off toward the pond, ears back, tail between her legs. Clearly, suicide was the only answer. She paused for a moment at the water’s edge, considering the gravity of what she was about to do, then steeled herself and waded glumly in.

  “Oh, God, there she goes again.” Quickly, I unlaced my ankle boots. She was already in over her ears, which doesn’t take her very long.

  “Don’t worry, Mr. H!” Dwayne called out. “I’ll save her!” He went running in after her, sending the ducks scattering. The pond’s not deep, no more than three feet at its lowest spot, but by the time he’d waded over to her she’d already sunk to the bottom with à glug-glug-glug. He reached in and grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and yanked her back out, snarfling and barfling and yelping in protest. Then he carried her to shore, where she shook herself, shivering miserably. The water was damned cold now. She also didn’t smell her best. She tends not to when she’s wet.

  Merilee ran in and got towels for both of them. I toweled Lulu dry and said a few stern, fatherly things to her I won’t bother to repeat here. Dwayne refused his towel. Also our thanks. Just put his boots back on over his wet socks and went right back to work. He didn’t even seem to notice that his jeans were soaked through.

  “I’m taking Hoagy away from you this evening, Merilee,” Thor announced with that familiar gleam of inspired lunacy in his eyes.

  Merilee raised an eyebrow at this. “Oh?”

  “We need to sit around a campfire,” he explained. “Reestablish a feeling of common manhood.”

  “How cute,” she said sweetly. “Will the two of you be pounding on little drums?”

  “Thor’s not into that,” I answered her, also sweetly. “I suspect we’ll mostly fart and spit and talk about girls.”

  “We girls will be having much more fun,” Merilee assured us.

  “We will?” Clethra said doubtfully. “What’ll we be doing?”

  “Putting up pickles and spiced pears,” Merilee informed her brightly.

  Clethra made a face. “No way. I don’t do the kitchen thing.”

  “We’ll be just like two pioneer women,” Merilee plowed on gamely. “Come on, it’s fun.”

  “It bites,” Clethra snapped.

  Merilee took a deep breath. “Okay, what would you like to do?”

  “I wanna watch The Brady Bunch.”

  “Why would you want to do that?” I wondered.

  “Do you have cable?” she asked Merilee, ignoring me.

  “We have cable,” Merilee said tightly.

  “Cool. Then I’m good to go.”

  “You and I need to talk, Clethra,” I said. “After your shower, I mean.”

  She curled her lip at me. “What about?”

  “Your book. I’m going to help you with it.” Either that or dunk her in the pond. Possibly both.

  “Good man,” exulted Thor, clapping me on the back. “I won’t forget this, Hoagy.”

  “I don’t believe I will either.”

  Clethra merely shrugged and mumbled, “Whatever.” And went inside.

  Merilee went in after her, pausing first to curl her lip at me. A flawless impersonation. I stayed outside with Tracy and Lulu, who was standing in between my legs, her front paws resting on my feet. She often gets a bit needy when she’s been acting out.

  Thor stripped to his waist and got to work chopping firewood. There was nothing lazy or casual about how he did it. This was work, hard work, and Thor Gibbs believed in hard work. He brought the ax down with thundering power, shaking the ground with his every swing, his huge muscles rippling. Sweat soon streamed down his barrel chest and flat, taut stomach. Me, I couldn’t imagine being in such shape when I was seventy-one. Hell, I couldn’t even imagine being alive. He was lucky to be alive himself. I couldn’t help but notice the three-inch scar on his back, still fresh and pink, from when Ruth had tried to stab him to death.

  “I can’t believe it, man,” Dwayne marveled, his voice hushed with reverence. “Thorvin fucking Gibbs. What a trip.”

  “That he is.”

  “And that Clethra …” Dwayne let out a low, admiring whistle. “Man, I sure would like to empty my scrotum in her monkey cave.”

  Lulu howled at the very thought of this.

  “Thank you for sharing that with me, Dwayne. Thank you very much.”

  “Can’t help how I feel, Mr. H.”

  “No, but you could shut up about it.”

  “Thing is, I meet a bazillion chicks over at Slim Jim’s. And compared to her, they’re pigs. I mean, she’s different. She’s nice.”

  I peered at him curiously. “She is?”

  “Well, she’s got a real nice smile, don’t ya think?”

  “Oh, so that’s it.”

  Dwayne frowned at me. “That’s what, Mr. H?”

  “One of the three great misconceptions men have about women, Dwayne. Misconception number one is that if a woman has a nice smile she’s nice. Number two is that if she laughs at your jokes she has a great sense of humor. Number three is that if she agrees with every intelligent thing you have to say she’s smart.”

  Dwayne considered this a moment, scratching his greasy hair. “That’s real interesting, Mr. H. Are there, like, any great misconceptions that they have about us?”

  “Just one. That we actually have anything intelligent to say.”

  “I guess I’d just like to meet a girl where it’s about something more than sex, y’know?”

  “I do. The physical part is plenty at first, but after a
while—”

  “It’ll blow over?”

  “So to speak. In my experience the fever breaks in six or—how old are you again?”

  “Nineteen.”

  “—eight weeks. After that, there has to be something more. Can I ask you a favor, Dwayne?”

  “Sure, Mr. H.”

  “Could you keep it to yourself that the two of them are here? We don’t want anyone else to know.”

  His face dropped. “You mean I can’t tell anyone? Not even the guys?”

  “One word gets out and the press will be all over this place. And then they’ll have to leave.”

  He tugged at his scraggly goatee. “Well, if that’s how it is then I’m cool with it.”

  “You’re a good man, Dwayne.”

  His eyes were on Thor again. “Hope I get a chance to have some more talks with him. I mean, you’re a bright guy and all, and I enjoy rapping with you about books and stuff, but Mr. Gibbs … he’s like a true wise man.”

  I left that one alone.

  Dwayne turned and looked at me. “Well, isn’t he?”

  “I suppose he is, Dwayne. I suppose he is.”

  I took Clethra to the mall for our little talk. The nearest was the Crystal Mall, which was about twenty miles away in New London, where the Coast Guard Academy and Naval Submarine Base were found. I hate the mall. Any mall. Something about all of those loud, tacky stores selling 163 different kinds of loud, tacky crap that people don’t need and can’t afford. Something about all of those fat, greedy housewives in polyester sweat suits elbowing and grabbing their way deeper and deeper into debt. Something about all of those brain-dead teenagers in reversed baseball caps milling aimlessly around, chewing on limp french fries, when they should have been in school learning how to spell. All it takes me is one trip to the mall and I want to flee this country for good. Sometimes, I want to do that anyway. But when I asked her where she wanted to go she said the mall. She needed clothes. So we went to the mall.

  Lulu, of course, loves the place. They have a pet store there with tropical fish that’s one of her absolute fave places to hang. Oh, well, at least she barked at the guy who was dressed up like Barney.