Scrambled Babies

by Babe Hayes

  “How clever of you.”

  Did Steve detect a note of sarcasm, or was she really impressed? He decided she was impressed. A warm glow settled over him.

  Paeton was surging forward. “Well, thank you for that! When you said ‘change diaper on national TV,’ my heart was in my throat. Okay, now I’m impressed with your credentials. And impressed with your amazing cover-up. But I still don’t understand why you hung up on me, and what made you change Kelsey’s diaper on television?”

  Steve liked it that Paeton was not yelling at him. She was doing her best to be patient with this freaky state of affairs. “Okay, here’s the situation. After I had to leave a world audience to change my kid’s diaper—you know, the announcer booth fiasco—ComfyDype decided I was the ultimate Mr. Mom and offered me a very large sum of money to endorse their product. I was at their office when I got Sophia’s nine-one-one page from you. The reason I had to hang up on you was a bunch of reporters descended on me because someone leaked the whole Mr. Mom endorsement story, and I was trapped.”

  “Okay, how did you accomplish your successful execution of the TV diaper change?”

  “I stuffed a blanket down her front. I used the old how-embarrassing-for-the-kid-in-the-future excuse.”

  “Speaking of covering up genders, I did the opposite. I put Ryan in boy clothes. I thought you might appreciate that.” She let out a little laugh. “Almost got caught doing it too.”

  “What do you mean? Oh, yeah, thanks. I do.” He enjoyed the brief laugh, but “almost got caught” increased his heart rate.

  Paeton continued. “A couple of fans recognized me.” Steve could tell she liked informing him that she had fans.

  “And they know what sex kid you have?” Steve registered sincere astonishment at first. “But that’s right, your fans are dopey women who go ga-ga over love and kids and crap like that.”

  “Right! As opposed to your fans who confine their going ga-ga singularly to grunting and spitting and maiming each other.” Steve felt sincere animosity in her words.

  He immediately regretted making fun of her work and fans. Now she was pissed at him again. “Okay, okay, I apologize. I really never had much use for romance novels.”

  Complete boredom. “Yeah, same for me and jocks.” She didn’t let him respond. “Okay, back to the task at hand. Are you coming here, or do we come back there?”

  Before the reporters, Steve already had himself on a plane to New York. But now something told him to be wary of going back to his office in New York. That little character with the pencil mustache was bothering him. It was true. Now a lot more people were watching his private life.

  Pow! An idea hit Steve like a new pass pattern. “Let’s meet at O’Hare.”

  “Chicago? Are you crazy?” Paeton sputtered. “Why Chicago?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. It’s halfway or something? People know about us in New York and L.A.”

  All Paeton could manage was “Oh, I see.”

  Steve was still pondering.

  “Kaselman? Are you still there?” The anxiety in Paeton’s voice was back to the breaking point.

  “Yeah, I’m here. Well, I’ve now become more of a celebrity, and people are watching me now like I’ve never been watched. There’s this little jerk reporter with a pencil tie and pencil mustache. He wanted to see proof the baby was a boy. He said something like there wasn’t any mound where his manhood should be.”

  “Pencil mustache? Oh, my god!” Paeton was barely audible.

  Her voice expressed such fear that Steve shared in her distress. “What?”

  “My god, Kaselman! That’s the same guy on the plane who told me I had a boy when I first discovered Ryan wasn’t my baby. He kept insisting the child I had next to me was a boy. I have no idea what tipped him off. You and I know how identical they are. The guy gave me the creeps. He works for In Your Face, that filthy tabloid. What do you make of it, Kaselman?” She called him Kaselman again. When the hell was she going to call him Steve?

  A ponytail cruised past Steve’s face. “Hey, pal, I think there’s a car on our tail.”

  Steve looked out the back window. “Somebody’s following us?”

  “I’d bet on it,” the cabby answered.

  Paeton was yelling in his ear. “What’s the matter? What’s going on? Did I hear you say a car is following you?”

  “Yes. The cab driver thinks we’re being followed.” Steve crouched further down in the back seat.

  “Well, tell the cabby to pull over. See if the car in question does too.”

  Steve laughed quietly. “Gee, you back-seat drive over the telephone?”

  Paeton snarled, “Goddammit, are we going to meet or what?”

  Steve whistled. “Boy, I sure hope my virgin-eared son isn’t in the room with you.” He chortled so she would be sure to hear it.

  “I’m going to kill you when I meet you. You know that?”

  Whew! He had asked for that. What else did he expect from this blitzing lady? Still, if there was one thing that was becoming perfectly clear, it was that Steve would love being “killed” by Paeton McPhilomy. And Steve was pretty sure she was also enjoying this battle of the sexes. He sensed that her female pride required her to be angry, but that something was right between them. Like putting his kid in male clothes. That was not an angry gesture. If he had to bet on it, he would put up even money that right now she was stifling laughter. Yes, he would certainly love to be “killed” by the gorgeous Paeton McPhilomy!

  As a matter of fact, he definitely thought he would be when he met her. All she had to do was gaze into his eyes and smile that bewitching smile and he would be “dead.” He decided to let her dangle. It was fun flirting over the phone.

  “Okay, don’t answer.” She paused, still waiting for a response. She gave up and continued. “All right, I swear too, but I have to be under severe stress. And I think this qualifies.”

  “I understand.” Steve felt the taxi swerve toward the curb. “We’re pulling over.” Steve watched the car behind them pull over too. “Yeah, the son of a—uh, the guy following us pulled over too. I guess he’s trying to find out where I’m staying.”

  He heard Paeton sigh as she spoke. “Well, okay, I guess O’Hare is an intelligent idea after all. As long as you make sure he doesn’t follow you from the hotel.”

  There was a brief pause on the other end of the line. Then a sound came from Paeton that sent Steve to heaven—out rolled a big, deep laugh. God, what a wonderful laugh! But what else could come out of that incredible mouth?

  “Now you’re laughing?”

  “Well, I have to laugh or I’ll cry. This has become so crazy. I feel as if I’m in a spy novel or something.”

  “I don’t disagree.” Steve saw something that interested him out the back window. He lowered the phone and spoke to the cab driver. “Can you back it up to that ‘for sale’ sign, please?” The cab backed up a few houses until they were in front of a house with a curious front door.

  “What’s going on now?”

  “Nothing. I’m waiting to see what that car does.” As Steve was surveying the house, the car that had been following him jerked wildly from the curb and sped past the cab. Indeed the driver was pencil-mustache. He fixed his eyes straight ahead as he roared past. “Christ, it is him!”

  “It’s who?”

  “The pencil-mustache guy. Just went past me. He had to be following me.” Steve whistled again. “Paeton, now we definitely have to meet in Chicago.” He lowered his voice. “And I’m not too sure about this cabby either. He seems to be listening to every word I say. We can’t take any chances. I’ll call you in a few minutes from my hotel room, and we can make plans. Okay?”

  Paeton groaned. “I guess I have little choice in the matter. Okay! But hurry. I swear I’m losing my mind!”

  “I know, I know. Me too. But we’re in this together. I don’t have Ryan either, you know. Stay there with Sophia. I’ll call back in a few minutes.”

  “Right
, I know. Hurry!” Steve heard Paeton hang up.

  Steve studied the house a little longer. He took out his appointment book and jotted down the real estate company’s phone number. Charming! Only in Hollywood. Ryan would love this place. Steve decided he would call and take a look at this fascinating home now that he was newly wealthy. Why not have a place in New York and a place in L.A.? He could afford it. And with his new endorsement contract, he would have to be out here more often anyway. Soaking up rays on the beach wasn’t the worst thing in the world. Besides, it seemed that Paeton McPhilomy had business out here. Maybe she would be around for a while.

  “Okay, let’s go to the hotel,” he instructed the cabby.

  As the cab pulled away, taking Steve back to the Beverly Hills Arms, he reflected on how much he enjoyed talking to Paeton McPhilomy. If he was this smitten with her over the telephone, what would be in store for him when he met her in person?

  Steve experienced another twitch. But this time the twitch was welcome and wasn’t in his eye!

  #

  Paeton was again on the phone in Steve’s office. Madison’s video-game music chimed in the background.

  “Now, here’s my plan.” Steve was talking to Paeton from his hotel room. “We dress the kids the way they were when we switched them. Do the bit with the matching seats and blankets. We wear disguises, and—”

  “Disguises? What in the world are you talking about? I already agreed to fly to Chicago. Now I have to wear a disguise? Kaselman, you do sound as if you’re overdoing this celebrity thing. You really think some reporter cares that much to follow you and me all over the country? Are we really that big of a story?” Paeton knew her voice dripped with disdain, but she secretly mused about what a lot of fun Steve Kaselman was. She was creative on paper; he was creative in real life.

  “He was following me in the cab, wasn’t he?”

  “Okay, to find out what hotel you’re in. But to follow you to Chicago? Please make sure he doesn’t.”

  “All right, let me ask you a question. Has anyone recognized you since this thing started? Anyone?”

  Now that he put it that way, she knew Steve was right. Her book was a best-seller. Paeton remembered how both the flight attendant and the rich woman recognized her. And that weasel, Steedly Black! She even wore sunglasses to throw off Sophia. “Yes. Yes, some people have. It’s amazing to me, but yes.”

  “See! Disguises!” Paeton thought she heard a low, gleeful laugh.

  Jocks! Everything was a game with these guys! Still, she realized that Steedly Black’s behavior did dictate caution. “Well, I’ll admit it is creepy that Steedly Black—”

  “Who?”

  “Pencil-mustache. The guy who was following you. The guy who asked you about where was Kelsey’s, you know, manhood hiding. Remember I told you he insisted I had a boy baby when he recognized me on the plane?”

  “Oh, yeah, that guy.”

  “Right. I’ll agree he’s trouble. It sure seems he’s going for something.”

  “See! We don’t have a choice, Paeton. Trust me on this. And I’ll make damn—darn sure he doesn’t catch me leaving for the plane tomorrow.”

  “Well, if you make sure no one follows you, why do we have to wear disguises?”

  “Because—” and Paeton could tell he was searching for a plausible explanation, “uh, well, because of my first point—people know who we are! We’re famous!” He paused. When he didn’t get a response, he submitted, “Just do it, okay? For me, okay?”

  “For you? You screwed up my life, and I’m going to do this stupid thing for you?” Paeton was angry again.

  “I screwed up your life? What do you mean, I—”

  Paeton was on the warpath again. Didn’t he understand it was all his fault? “Yes, you screwed up my life! If you didn’t go around making passes at everything in a skirt—”

  Steve broke in, ire in his tone. “Hey, don’t make me mad, lady! You looked back at me just as hard as I looked at you. And besides, I do not—let me repeat—I do not make passes at everything in a—”

  She wasn’t listening. “All right, all right. Don’t get yourself agitated. You’ll pop one of those thick neck muscles.”

  “Was that a crack? That was a crack, wasn’t it? I’m not just a dumb, thick-necked football player, you know. I was a quarterback and—”

  Paeton would not let him get the upper hand. She barged right in. “I said all right. I hate it, but I’ll do it—for the children! Not for you!”

  “Great! Great! Don’t do it for me! I don’t give a—”

  She stopped him short. “Ah, ah, ah! Don’t say it, please. When you have Ryan back, I don’t care what language he hears. But Kelsey is not to come back to me polluted with locker-room talk.”

  Paeton knew he was mentally swearing at her. But all that came across the phone line was a low growl. For some reason, she liked making him mad. In her history with men, she had never made any of them mad.

  Steve spoke. “You know, the sooner I don’t have to deal with you, the better.” This time she had really made him angry. He spoke slowly and deliberately and quietly. “Thank you for wearing a disguise. I have nothing further to say. We will meet at O’Hare as planned. Details later. Good-bye! McPhilomy!” The phone slammed down.

  Paeton looked at Ryan and laughed. “Wow, your daddy is so mad at me he didn’t get my phone number or anything.” She laughed again, reveling in her perverted victory. “Watch. He’ll call back.”

  As she sat looking at the infant, his eyes caught her eyes, and for a spooky moment she felt Steve looking at her the way he had looked at her when they collided. She was instantly in touch with all those parts of her that he had reached at that magic moment. Guilt be damned! She knew she was looking forward to seeing Steve, furious as she was with his jockness. And she could feel that something inside her did not want this meeting to be the last.

  She couldn’t believe her thought pattern and shook her head. How could she let a jock do this to her? It enraged her. At that moment she vowed never to give in to these ridiculous feelings. One bump into someone at an airport? She wrote about love ruled by Destiny, but did she really believe in it? Of course not! As with all fantasy feelings, in the harsh light of the real world, they would pass with time.

  But it was gratifying finally to have a plan, stupid as it was, to get Kelsey back. Disguises? Was she really going to wear a disguise? Okay, she’d go along with it. Only to get Kelsey back. She guessed she better not make him too mad. Who knew what he would do? Maybe he was vindictive. Maybe he didn’t care as much about getting his own child back. After all, he was male—not female. Paeton was working with an unknown quantity here. With a guy who endorsed diapers. Who was she really dealing with? And how much did she care?

  Steve didn’t immediately call back. Paeton became bored with waiting and walked out of Steve’s private office, taking the children with her.

  Sophia jumped up from her desk. “You and Steve? You both all right now?”

  Paeton had removed her sunglasses. She knew she looked better. “Yes, thank you. We are, uh, better. The problem, uh, the small problem, will be no problem soon.”

  “Small problem? Soon?”

  Paeton would never tell anyone what had happened. She hoped Kaselman would do the same. She would stress that point when they met in Chicago. “Yes. It’s nothing to be concerned about.” She had to get out of there. Any conversation related to her not having Kelsey would push her over the edge.

  “Listen, Sophia, you’ve been great. Thank you for all your help. Mr. Kaselman may need my New York phone number. Do you have some paper?” She jotted the number on the notepad Sophia pushed across the desk, then pulled off the top sheet and handed it to Sophia. “You’re not chewing gum, are you?” She watched Sophia’s face color and paused for effect. “I, uh, can’t say I’ll be seeing you around.” Paeton forced a polite laugh. “Bye, Sophia.”

  “Bye, Ms. Jones.”

  It was Paeton’s turn to be e
mbarrassed.

  Paeton had her hand on the doorknob when the phone rang again.

  “Steve Kas—no, she hasn’t left yet.” She lowered the phone. “He wants to talk to you.”

  “I thought he might. Give him my phone number, please. Tell him I’m tired right now. I’ll talk to him later.”

  “Boss, she says she’s leaving. She says call her. I have her number. Okay.” Sophia pointed to Steve’s office. “He says please don’t leave. It’s urgent that he talk to you right now. He apologizes for being rude. He says you two have to make plans.”

  Paeton shrugged to Sophia and ushered her children back into Steve’s private office. So old demon eyes had apologized. She smiled inwardly. She couldn’t wait to hear his plans. She wondered what crazy and creative thoughts Steve Kaselman was having now.

  #

  It was the following morning. Steve hadn’t been this euphoric since he found out he was playing in the Super Bowl. True, he was going to get Ryan back, but what put the zing in Steve’s bloodstream was the excitement of meeting Paeton in Chicago. True, no woman had ever made him so angry. But he was certain that same zzzt-zzzt! that had crackled between them at JFK would strike again. And he could never be angry at that.

  Steve’s life was definitely looking up. Soon he and Ryan would be back together. He would have met the intriguing and gorgeous Ms. Paeton McPhilomy—and set her straight, of course, about this whole thing being her fault. Right now he was having fun. He looked at the infant in his care for a little while longer. Aren’t we, Kelsey? Cute baby. Stuck-up mother! Gorgeous—but stuck-up!

  He looked out the window. I’ll bet the weather in Chicago is gorgeous too. Steve, my boy, you’re on a roll! Then he remembered his mission. He had to be out of his room and in the limo in fifteen minutes for his eleven a.m. flight to meet Paeton at two o’clock that afternoon. Get hustling, dummy, or you’ll be late!