Do Overs

by Hebert, Cerian

  What the hell?

  This was the Old Port, there were always people around. Colin made a grab for me, his fingers latching onto my arm. With a rush of adrenaline, and a sudden surge of the will to survive, I took a good grip on my purse, hauled back, and smacked him upside the head.

  He shook it off, pressing his palm against the point of contact. Had I used the purse my forty-four year old self owned, he’d be flat on his back right now, but the little thing in my hand, only big enough to hold my wallet, a comb, my lipstick, and an itty bitty bottle of hairspray, merely caused him to become more annoyed. Even in the weak streetlights I saw his face darken a blotchy red. His nostrils flared with anger and he flashed a glimpse of those white teeth through his curled back lip.

  “You teasing bitch.”

  I’d had it. No way in hell I’d stand here and take this abuse from him. I summoned every bit of anger inside and smacked him again. I turned around and headed as fast as I could down the street, back the way we came.

  What in the world was going on? I didn’t dare look back to see if he was following. Even though anger bubbled through me, an equal measure of fear churned inside too. Any second I expected a hand to grab onto me and drag me away.

  Tears streamed down my face, distorting my vision. I wiped them away and didn’t slow down. The further I walked away from the spot of our confrontation, the more certain I was that Colin hadn’t followed. Still, my brain whirled in a mushy circle of confusion, and honestly I didn’t know where I was headed. I could’ve gone into any number of bars and called a cab, but my mind churned illogically.

  No, the details of this unbelievable day circled my thoughts like a flock of psychotic vultures, picking at bits and pieces of what I did wrong, directions I should have taken, like resisting Colin’s offer and my lust for him in the first place.

  What was the point? Why had this out of world experience happened to me? I lost my job, I probably lost the man I’d married in my “previous” life, and now I ran away from the guy I’d lusted after all day. What was wrong with me? What lesson was I supposed to be learning here? These “whys” made my head hurt.

  By the time I stopped walking I found myself on Commercial Street. I glanced behind me and didn’t see Colin anywhere. Relieved, I leaned up against a wall and wiped my eyes. I probably resembled a psycho raccoon, mascara oozing down my cheeks.

  I didn’t want to go back to my apartment. It would be a hell of a walk. I was tired and there wasn’t anything for me there. I figured Sarah would be spending the night with Eric, so I couldn’t cry on her shoulder. I definitely couldn’t go to Bob. I didn’t know what to do about him anyway.

  How in the world could I spill my guts to him, admit I’d been tempted to kiss Colin? Or worse, that I kissed him. No, Bob wouldn’t understand and I couldn’t really blame him.

  Bad enough I didn’t even take into consideration his feelings when I took him into the Old Port. Now I had to add this guilt for getting all hot and heavy over Colin and the shock of how he’d turned on me, roiling inside my head.

  Across the street stood the ferry line and the charter tour offices. Aaron wouldn’t be working now, but I could still catch the last ferry to Peaks Island where he lived. He was the best of all worlds.

  A shoulder to cry on, and someone who wouldn’t judge me if I admitted I wanted to kiss another girl’s boyfriend. I’d always been able to say anything to Aaron. He had never been judgmental. Instead of being critical of me, he’d always just hand me a beer, tell me a joke to make me laugh, and I’d know things would be okay.

  Right now, I needed the peace and acceptance he’d always offered. I crossed the street and headed for the ticket counter. As I waited for the departure of the ferry, I calmed. My heartbeat returned to normal. I inhaled the fresh sea air and closed my eyes. At this point I didn’t think Colin would still be on my tail, but even though Commercial Street remained free of his presence, relief washed through me when I finally boarded the boat.

  I loved riding the ferry over to the island. The splash of waves against the side of boat, spraying cold salty beads of water against my lips brought me to life. Underneath my feet the rumble of the engines and the toss of the waves mixed to create a soothing motion, rocking the anxiety out of my bones. I stood at the bow and gazed into the night.

  Pricks of light dotted the darkness, filling the vastness with life. Boats, houses on the islands, the city behind us. Thousands of stars floating around me. The fantastic view revived me, reminding me again of the things I’d forgotten about my life in this city. The wind dried my tears. By the time the ferry docked at Peaks, my energy and sanity was nearly replenished. I wouldn’t turn up at Aaron’s a complete wreck.

  Of course, by the time I started the familiar walk to his place, I sort of wished I stayed put on the mainland. Embarrassment slowed my steps. I shouldn’t have come, at least not without calling first.

  What if Aaron had a date and they were at his place? How horrifying would it be to barge in on a romantic evening? But those thoughts hit me too late. Unless I wanted to go sit down at the dock for six hours, I had to go somewhere.

  I’d walked these roads a hundred times, so even the dark didn’t hinder my progress as much as my new doubts did. There were lights from some of the houses, but at eleven-thirty on a weeknight most were dark. The dark didn’t bother me. In fact the lack of visual distraction helped me figure out what to say when I finally knocked on Aaron’s door.

  Thank God his lights were still on. His small truck, which rarely left the island, was parked in his driveway. Still, that didn’t mean he was alone, but I had no other options. I opened the door to his screened in porch and knocked on the front door. After what seemed like hours, he finally opened the door. I bit my lip as his brows rose. He gave me a lopsided smile, and I saw the questioning behind it. I’m sure he thought I was as crazy.

  “Lila, what are you doing here? Come in.” He held the door open for me to let me into his little two-bedroom cottage.

  “Would you believe I was in the neighborhood?” I kept my voice light and walked into the living room. No guests there. One lamp lit the living room and a Stephen King book lay on the couch.

  This room was all about comfort. I could sink into the pillows on the sofa and be asleep in a minute. Which I’d done plenty of times before. Or sit in the easy chair next to the Franklin woodstove, with my feet up and have a beer. Done that too. The dark wood paneling, the minimal decorations, and comfortable, but worn furniture made this a place I could relax.

  I walked across to the couch. I needed to get off my feet before I collapsed. Exhaustion rolled over me.

  “Of course not. You look like hell. Sit down. Can I get you anything?”

  I sat hard on the sofa and looked up at him, a half smile on my face. “No, I’m fine.”

  Aaron disappeared into the bathroom for a few moments and returned with a warm, damp facecloth and handed it to me. He sat on the footstool directly in front of me, leaned forward with elbows resting on his knees and gave me a narrow look, as if peeling away my layers like an onion.

  I shifted under his inspection. I’d have to talk, explain myself, which meant admitting what an idiot I’d been. He didn’t smile, but I could tell by the tilt of his dark head, and his frown he wouldn’t let me off the hook. I wiped at my cheeks and under my eyes in attempt to clean away some of the make-up that had smeared down my face.

  “Stop lying to me.” He kept his voice gentle, yet insistent. “It’s nearly midnight, you have mascara down to your chin and I’m nowhere near your neighborhood. What’s going on, Sunshine?”

  For the second time in one day I started blubbering like a baby. Immediately he shifted over to the couch next to me, and put his arms around my shoulders. I leaned into him, taking advantage of his sturdy shoulder and friendship. For the first time all day the total impact of what had happened came down on me. The time flip, losing my job, Colin, and letting Bob go. Everything washed over and if I had been a
lone right now I probably would have drowned in the sheer weight of it.

  “It’s been a hell of a day. Worst day ever.”

  “You’ll find a better job. One that doesn’t have Tammy for a boss, hon. That has to be worth smiling over.”

  “Not just that.” Tears hitched my voice. “I think Bob broke up with me tonight, Misty is ready to tear my eyes out, her boyfriend, Colin, made a pass at me and he scared the hell out of me.”

  But I didn’t stop there, which would have been the smart thing to do. Instead I told him about who I’d been yesterday. Where I’d been.

  How old I’d been.

  The words flooded out. As they came out of my mouth, they sounded crazy. No one should believe them and even if they were true, I could be alienating my best friend. Didn’t matter. I couldn’t stop.

  Saying them out loud actually helped, even if my thoughts sounded jumbled to my own ears. The flow eased the pressure building inside my brain. There wasn’t anyone else I could’ve told this to. No one I would’ve broken down with.

  Aaron didn’t say a word to interrupt my rant. If he thought me certifiable, he didn’t say so. Like a good friend, he kept his hold on me and let me babble. I couldn’t see his face. I actually didn’t think I wanted to. If there were any indication of judgment, my heart would have broken.

  One hand stroked my shoulder, his breath warm and even against my hair. I didn’t have anything to be afraid of with him. As the words continued to flow, my vision wavered.

  Another flash.

  I sucked in a breath and readied myself. I no longer sat on Aaron’s sofa in his warm little home. I stood by the ocean, throwing a piece of driftwood for a dog, contented and relaxed. Not a care in the world. The big yellow dog dove into the gray blue surf, retrieved the stick and brought it back to me, a happy doggy grin on her face. I never had a dog.

  The flash ended with a blink into blackness, but its loss didn’t make me sad. Hope filled me, buoying my spirit like a gull gliding on the wind.

  So what life was that?

  After a moment of silence, I pulled back and swiped at the tears clinging to my cheeks. The flash to the scene on the beach stopped my crying. I pulled in a breath of air, mingled with the scent of Aaron’s cologne, and held it in my lungs before releasing it.

  “Wow. I soaked your shirt. Sorry.” I shot him a quick glance, searching for a horrified expression on his face, but instead his eyes were warm and concerned. He smiled when his gaze met mine.

  Aaron shrugged. “Why don’t you get some sleep? Guest room is all set up. Things will be clearer in the morning. Come on.” He stood, holding his hand out to me for me to take.

  So he wasn’t going to respond to my rant. Good. I preferred it that way. I think. Maybe he wanted to sort what I had said before giving me input. That was okay. Let him. As long as he didn’t judge me. That I couldn’t take. Aaron’s friendship meant more to me than anything else, anyone else’s. How could I have forgotten?

  As soon as I took his hand another flash overtook me, more vivid than the one of me on the beach with the dog. This time I sat in a tiny, cramped office, examining what seemed like a grocery list or a menu. The scent of baked lobster and fresh baked bread floated seductively in the air, teasing my senses. Despite the small quarters, in this flash I was so perfectly content, and fulfilled. More so than my New York job, complete with its huge paycheck, had ever made me feel. Then someone came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, kissing my neck.

  I let go of Aaron’s hand. The flash blinked away, leaving me in Aaron's living room. What the hell was going on? I wished the flash back. All day long I’d hoped to find the satisfaction within these glimpses into possible futures. Each of the others came up short. The last two hit the target.

  Was Aaron the key? The idea amazed me, transfixed me, damned well overwhelmed me, but instead of it feeling wrong, instead of guilt, nothing but delight filled me. A wonderful, exciting kind of delight that made me want more.

  I followed Aaron to the guestroom at the back of the house. He stood at the door and let me walk past him. “I’ll get you a tee shirt.”

  While he was gone I thought about the two flashes. How could I put any stock into them? After all, look what happened with Colin. The first Colin flash had been so promising, but turned out to be a disaster. Not that Aaron was anything like Colin. I didn’t know Colin enough to see behind what I believed to be a gorgeous, sensitive artist shell. I knew Aaron inside and out. I’d met his parents and siblings on several occasions. Why in the world would I take the chance? I could ruin the best friendship I ever had. After all the other bridges I burned today, the idea of screwing up with Aaron sent ice-cold fear through my veins.

  Besides I was sure I’d wake up in the morning and I’d be forty-four again.

  Aaron returned and handed me a folded tee shirt. He didn’t leave right away, but kind of stared at me, his blue eyes probing and curious. Then his brows furrowed and he shook his head.

  “So, how ‘bout them Mets?”

  I chuckled. That was our line when we ran out of things to say. Or we’d start reciting Monty Python skits.

  He continued to stare. “It’s impossible to believe.”

  I nodded. “Totally.”

  “If it had been anyone else but you, I’d probably be laughing about it.”

  “I’m probably nuts.” I gave him a half grin and drew a circle with my finger in the air next to my ear.

  Aaron shook his head. “No, you’ve never been nuts.”

  “Then what?” My gaze held his steadily. And my heartbeat zoomed. The flashes that included him were everything I longed for. The contentment mingled with a sense of adventure and the knowledge that the man with me fulfilled every want and need, and that I did the same for him.

  Powerful stuff swelled in my heart and mind that I always read about in romance novels and hoped would come my way. Finally those dreams had. Oh my God. I was in love with Aaron. More than just platonic buddy-buddy love, because he could take my moments of insanity and make them seem as if I were perfectly sane. No one else could do that. Not Colin, not Bob. I expected disappointment knowing I would never go back to Bob, but excitement and trepidation lifted my spirit.

  Aaron shrugged. “Get some sleep.” He started to turn and then paused, glancing back at me. “How do I turn out? Do I get married? Have a dozen kids?”

  I shrugged too. I couldn’t lie and tell him I knew exactly what happened to him. I hated admitting we hadn’t kept touch. “Honestly, I don’t know. We kind of lost touch. Last I knew you moved inland. Like really far inland. Indiana.”

  Aaron’s eyes widened. He looked genuinely shocked. “Indiana? Me? I’m a Mainer. Sunshine, I really hope you’re wrong. That’s not what I have planned for my life.”

  Then he walked out, closing the door behind him. I stared at the door for a long time, not really seeing it, but seeing what life would have been like for Aaron had this time flip not happened. His plans didn’t include moving to the Midwest. Well, my dreams hadn’t included being stuck behind a desk for sixty hours a week.

  Of course, if I woke up in the morning back in Manhattan, what would I do? With the tee shirt in my hand, I wandered across the room and sat on the bed. I chewed on my lip as I reviewed my choices. I could keep doing what I did before, but quickly dismissed the idea. God, how could I go back to that after today? The thought of sitting at that damned desk strangled me.

  Bob would hate me for it, but I’d quit my job and go back to school. Horticulture, landscaping. Even if I opened my own landscaping business, or went work for someone else’s, I wouldn’t sit at a desk ever again.

  Quickly I changed out of the black sweater and gray pants I had dressed in for Bob’s sake and put on Aaron’s USM tee shirt. The shirt was comfortable and familiar, reminding me of Aaron. I wrapped my arms around myself, the material pressing against my skin. If I went back to my former life I’d find Aaron. What would happen after that? I wasn’t sure, but I’d w
ork it out then.

  I curled under the covers and closed my eyes, not sure what to hope for when I woke up in the morning.

  When I did wake, dim sunlight pressing against my closed eyelids, I breathed in the scent of the pillow under my head. I wasn’t forty-four and back in Manhattan again, with Bob sleeping next to me. I swept my leg around the double bed. Nobody but me. Relief spread through my body and I smiled to myself.

  So, fate hadn’t decided to shoot me back to where I belonged. I don’t know why I was relieved. I had no job, my previous future erased by everything I’d done yesterday. I couldn’t go back to Bob, no matter what kind of future I thought Aaron and I might have.

  I pushed myself off the bed with enthusiasm and an edginess that came with the uncertainty of what kind of day faced me. The smell of coffee permeated the air. I heard a cabinet open and close, then a drawer.

  I paused for a second. What in the world would Aaron think of me now? I had no choice but to find out. I dressed, ran my fingers through my hair to make myself as presentable as possible, and walked out of the room, tossing the tee shirt in the clothing hamper in the bathroom.

  I loved this little cottage, decorated in an eclectic mix of styles. He loved flea markets and most of what he owned came from flea markets all over southern Maine and a few in New Hampshire, like the steamer trunk he used as a coffee table and the three seascape paintings on the wall over the TV. The sofa and mismatched easy chair were consignment shop purchases, as was the dining room table. None of the four chairs surrounding the round oak table matched. An oriental rug of dark blue, green, burgundy, and cream covered a hard wood floor. At one of the corners he’d covered up a hole with a big potted plant.

  In a way it was typical of a young bachelor. Haphazard, nothing went together, second hand, but Aaron kept it tidy and not one sliver of sports memorabilia. Not that he didn't watch a game from time to time, but sports failed to consume him. And no takeout containers, pizza boxes or TV dinner remains anywhere to be seen.