by Brenda Ford
“I know, I know. I just can’t stop myself from wanting Angelo.” I bang my palm against my head. “Even knowing that it’s stupid isn’t enough. I can’t switch my feelings off. And believe me, I want to. I don’t want to be that pathetic girl, trailing after a guy with a girlfriend. You know that isn’t me.”
“I know.” Sheri gives me a sympathetic look as she cocks her head to one side. “And that’s why I want to help you. I don’t like to see you breaking your heart over him. It isn’t nice.”
I nod dejectedly, knowing that she’s so accurate with her words. “I don’t know what to do though.”
“Well, that’s where I might be able to do something.” Sheri’s smile is suspiciously bright. “I have been wanting to do this for a while, but I needed to wait until you were ready for it. Now, I think you are.”
“Ready for what?” I ask suspiciously. “I don’t know if I like the sound of this.”
Sheri snorts with laughter. “For a double date of course. For you to meet someone else and move on.”
Even the idea of going on a date with someone else makes my chest get tight. It aches with the pain of accepting that me and Angelo will never be a couple. I think that’s why I haven’t ever moved on. I’m sadly just waiting for the day that he will be mine. But if everyone can see that will ever happen, then maybe it’s time for me to do the same thing. Give up the dream and the fantasy. Grow up and start getting a life for myself. I’m twenty years old, in the prime of my life. I shouldn’t be hung up on just one person. It’s sad.
“Okay,” I agree with a nod. It doesn’t feel good to accept this challenge, but then it won’t feel good not to either. If the status quo isn’t working, then it’s time to shake it up. Whether I like it or not.
“Thank God.” Sheri blows out a breath of relief. “Because honestly, Rachel, it’s so hard to see you like this. You’re a sexy rock goddess who could have any man that she wants. You won’t have trouble meeting anyone. I bet you’ll find the right guy for you in an instant. Or a bunch of right men.”
As she wiggles her eyebrows suggestively at me, I feel sick to my stomach. The idea of getting to know guys isn’t something I’m going to relish. But I don’t have any choice. I need to suck any insecurities away.
“In fact…” Sheri grabs my arm hard. “Let’s go out for a few drinks tonight. Not to find a guy necessarily, but just to have some fun. You really need some fun, girl. Which I shouldn’t have to say to the rock and roll queen.”
“Hmm, not exactly rock and roll, am I?” I reply wryly. “I will do my best to change that.”
“You know, I think to cheer you up further, we should go shopping after this. Get some new outfits. Retail therapy is always amazing. We can go to one of your funky shops for stage clothes as well.”
“You know my rock outfits aren’t just for the stage. I wear them all the time.”
“Yeah, yeah. Look at you. You’re smiling already.” Sheri looks incredibly pleased with herself. “I told you, retail therapy is the best. Come on, eat up and we will head out. Get some date clothes too…”
Urgh, my good mood comes crashing down as I think about dating all over again. Sheri might think that I’m ready, but I don’t know if I am. It’s scary to put myself out there and to be vulnerable. To have another man with his arms around me when really, I’m pining after ne I can’t have. Will that be my life forever? Will I be married with kids and still be worrying about Angelo being hurt by Mandy? Alex too?
God, that really is a bleak thought. I do need to shake things up, to try something new. I need to strip him from my mind by any means possible, which isn’t easy when he’s in my life the whole time. But perhaps a double date with my best friend will help to ease me in. It has to be better than doing it alone.
“Sure,” I announce with a nod to Sheri. “Date clothes, let’s do it. Sounds fun.”
“Don’t be nervous.” She winks at me. “Me and you are going to be just fine.”
I hope she’s right. I need her to be right. I want more for myself. This needs to be the first day of the rest of my life where I really make things better for myself. Only I can make my existence more bearable…
“I love that on you! It’s beautiful!” Sheri screams. “You must buy it. It looks amazing.”
I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “Are you serious? Look how low cut it is! It’s dangerous.”
“Why shouldn’t you show your bits off? You have an awesome set of breasts. You should show them off some more. Especially if you’re planning to land yourself a new man. Which, don’t forget, you are.”
I sigh and stare at my reflection in the mirror. Admittedly, this tight black studded dress does cinch in at the waist in a nice way and it definitely makes my cleavage very noticeable. Plus, the zig zagged hem line is cool. On anyone else, I would recommend it, but I don’t know if it’s a bit much for me.
I wonder what Angelo would think about this… As soon as that thought pops into my brain, I shove it away. I’m not supposed to be thinking about anything to do with him. He doesn’t exist to me anymore. How is this going to be the first day of the rest of my life if I keep thinking about him?
“Do you really think I should get this?” I snap a little ferociously. Sure, the dress isn’t me. But being me isn’t exactly working out, is it? Maybe it’s time to start being someone else. “You really like it that much?”
“I do.” Sheri nods. “And I also feel like you should get that jacket as well. The tartan one. You need to treat yourself today. Make yourself feel good. Oh! We should also get our hair done too; don’t you think?”
I nod, knowing that does always make me feel a little better. “Yeah, okay. I like it. New look…”
“New you, exactly. Trust me, it’s just what you need! Trust me.”
I smile gratefully. It could always be worse, couldn’t it? I could always be going through this alone. Not only do I grab the items that Sheri has recommended I buy, I also get a leather skirt I tried on earlier, the cool cat bag I liked before but thought that it was too expensive, and some new boots. Why not go all out? I deserve it. The band has been doing well recently anyway, and if things carry on the way that they are then it can only get better. Why not enjoy this moment? Sheri is right. She’s pushing me towards something so much better.
“You need to get some new things as well,” I tell her with a grin. “If I’m going through this dramatic life change, then you need to do it with me. That’s how best friends work.”
“Oh, well I’m not going to say no to that.” Sheri grabs a hand full of clothes that I’m sure she had her eye on anyway. “You know me. I’m always up for some shopping. I definitely need some new dresses.”
I giggle as she takes herself into the changing rooms and I take a seat to wait for her. I take another look through everything that I’m going to buy with a sense of happiness and warmth radiating through me. There really is something to retail therapy, it’s true. I am in a much better place already, feeling more positive.
I grab my cell phone to take a look through social media as I wait for Sheri, just to pass a bit of the time. I scroll aimlessly, barely even noticing what I’m looking at, half wondering why I’m even bothering… when I stumble across something that makes my heart stop beating, a sickness swirling through me.
“Oh my God,” I whisper as I stare at the horrifying picture. It just seems to get worse, doesn’t it? I can’t escape no matter what I do. The image of Mandy and Angelo together is going to destroy me. Especially when it’s attached to the caption ‘date night tonight’. I don’t want to think about them on a date. It’s upsetting.
I’m never going to be able to move on, am I? That isn’t ever going to happen for me. I’m going to be stuck with these feelings forever more. It doesn’t matter how many new clothes I buy or how I style my hair, I am never going to get over him. He’s special to me, he’s the only one I can feel this way about.
Tears fill my eyes as I shove my phone away. They
are tears of frustration more than anything else. I’m annoyed more than anything else. Irritated that I can’t just switch it all off. What is the matter with me? I feel myself falling apart at the seams, splitting open and melting in to a puddle all over the place.
“What do you think?” Sheri parades out of the changing room, showing off her new dress. Her legs extend long, her curves are accentuated. She looks great. “What do you think? Does it suit me?”
I shove my feelings down, knowing that Sheri will lose her shit if she knows that I have been online upsetting myself. I force a giant smile on my face and nod enthusiastically. I need to keep strong, to remain behind the mask. Especially if I’m not ever going to be okay again… “It looks great. You need to get it.”
“I’m going to wear this tonight and you will wear the black one. We will have a double date so soon.”
“I thought that we weren’t looking for a double date tonight.”
“No, but if one comes our way, then why not?” She shrugs. “It’ll be fun to see anyway. Anything can happen.”
I don’t stop smiling, however much I want to. I nod and let her think that I’m totally on board with everything. And who knows? Maybe she’s right and the whole double date thing will work out well. It’s possible that I could meet someone that I like. Not as much as Angelo, sure, but it’s worth a try.
Chapter 6 – Angelo
This isn’t working, I think sadly to myself as I stare across the table to see Mandy’s pissed face. I had such high hopes for this date and it’s definitely not going as I thought it would. I have spent all day planning, being happy with my idea, thinking that I had everything under control. But it seems that I was wrong.
The surprise was the first thing to fail. She went a bit mad saying that she already had plans for tonight that she didn’t want to cancel. It took a lot for me to persuade her to give up whatever she had sorted to work on our relationship. I tried not to get mad, to get upset that she wasn’t putting us first, but I’m trying to not worry about that now. I pushed it to the back of my mind and managed to convince her that everything would be fine…
But now, we’re here at this incredible restaurant with great food and a candle flickering between us, and I’m getting nothing back. She’s barely even making eye contact with me which is gutting.
This can’t be the end, I tell myself determinedly. I need to find a way to make this work.
“So, is everything going well with work?” I ask, trying to bring her focus off her phone screen for a moment.
“Huh? What? Yeah, work… work is good. It’s busy. You know how it is. I’m emailing now.”
It doesn’t look like she’s emailing anyone. It looks like she’s texting, but I’ll let that slide. “Oh right, okay. Well, erm… work for me is good too.” I don’t know why I’m telling her this, she hasn’t asked. But I just need to do what I can to fill the silence. “It’s been busy. Brad has been riding my ass, everyone’s to be honest. Trying to make sure that everyone is focused on the newest campaigns…” Still nothing. She definitely isn’t listening to me. Still, I can’t stop myself. “And Oliver… well, you know what he is like. Always hiding away from any drama. He hates it, doesn’t he? So, he’s been locked away in his office the entire time.”
I tap my finger on the table, trying to get her to just look at me already. I’m sick of talking into nothingness, but she’s rudely lifted her phone right up by her face now and she’s totally blocked me out.
“Do you want dessert?” I snap. “Or should we just leave already so you can finish your work?”
“Work?” She narrows her eyes at me, showing her confusion. “What do you mean?”
“I thought you were sending work emails. That’s what you told me just a moment ago.”
“Right… work yes.” She rests her phone on the table, finally accepting the hint. “All is done now.”
“So, can I have your attention now, or what? Do you want to have some dessert?”
She shrugs and half nods all at once. “Sure, whatever. I could eat some more.”
It’s a struggle to get some air into my lungs as I stare at her. If I was trying to recreate the early days with this, then I have failed massively. Before, our phones never would have made it up on to the table. We were so busy being interested in one another’s stories and staring in to each other’s eyes that nothing else mattered.
Maybe this is normal. Like the passion in the early days which wanes over time. It doesn’t last, but what a couple is left with is something different. Something better. Perhaps I need to see what me and Mandy share now as something better than what we had before. It’s just… comfortable. That’s all.
“Okay,” I say sadly. “I will call the waiter over and we can order something.”
As I suspected, her eyes are back on her phone in a moment, she’s messaging again, blocking me out. This reminds me of what Wesley said about looking into her phone. I could see who she’s messaging, what she’s saying about me and this date. If she’s talking to her friends, I could find out why she doesn’t want to know me.
Despite the knowledge that really isn’t something that I would ever do, the idea of seeing in to Mandy’s brain makes my heart race faster. I so desperately want to crack her open and find everything out. The intensity of this desperation is almost killing me. I can feel myself slowly going insane. This isn’t me anymore. I don’t feel like myself. I’m just this sad pathetic person who is desperate to be loved by his girlfriend.
“Mandy…” I lean forwards onto my elbows and stare at her. “I think that we need to talk.”
“About what?” She glances at me for just a second. “Something going on, Angelo?”
Communication. That’s what we need right now. We just need to man up and talk this through. I have to be open and honest, say everything that needs to be said so we can properly move on.
“About us. About me and you. Things seem strange between me and you at the moment.”
“Hmm? They do?” How does this not get any effort from her at all? “Sure, whatever.”
Right, I have the stage, it’s time for me to say what I need to say. Now, I just need to work out what that is.
“So, I think you might be pulling away from me, Mandy. I think we should talk about what I’m doing wrong and how I can make things better. I don’t know about you, but I think that we have been together for far too long to just not talk about this and to let things rot. I want to work on us, to be okay again.”
This feels good. This is me doing the adult thing and talking to her, getting the information right from the horse’s mouth. I don’t need to spy on Mandy, I don’t need to do anything crazy, I just need to talk.
“I think everything is fine,” Mandy shocks me by replying. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
As she completely dismisses my feelings, acting like I’m crazy or something, she rises to her feet and grabs her bag. She points towards the bathroom, acting like this is a completely normal time for her to take a break from our conversation, leaving it right there, and she walks away leaving me alone with my personal strife.
What the hell? I lean back in my chair and stare at her as she walks away. How can she not care?
If she had come to me about anything like that, even if I didn’t agree with her, I would have listened. I’d have done anything to make things right again. But she didn’t care about me at all. She just walked off…
I don’t know what to think, how to feel, how to digest this. I’m just dumbfounded.
“What the…?” I kick my foot out by accident and hit something on the ground. I lean down, not expecting to see anything at all, or just a menu or something which has tumbled to the floor, but what I actually find myself looking at is a cell phone which has fallen. Mandy’s cell phone. When she slipped it into her bag, it must have fallen out. Without even thinking about it, I lean right forwards and grab it.
“Fucking thing,” I mutter as I slam it down on the t
able. “Ruining my night.”
As the phone hits the table, it lights up, bringing a message with it. I don’t mean to look at it, I don’t know what draws me in really. I already know that Mandy is fierce about her privacy. This definitely isn’t right. But I need something to go on, some information to make this right, and this is the only way.
A: I miss you, sexy. I’m sorry our plans got cancelled, but you can always show me those special panties tomorrow if you can get away then. I will wait for you however long it takes x
My blood runs cold. My eyes become fuzzy and dizzy. I don’t know what the hell to think about that. That’s a sexy message suggesting that her plans tonight that she really didn’t want to cancel, were with another man. Of course, my brain immediately snaps back to the message I got six months ago about her cheating on me. I allowed her to talk me around, I fell for everything that she said to me, and now I might be about to be made a fool of.
I rack my brain, trying to work out who this ‘A’ might be, but of course I don’t know. We have a separation in our lives. I don’t know a lot of the people that she spends time with. This could be anyone in the damn world.
“What the hell are you doing?” Mandy snaps, grabbing the phone from me. I didn’t even know that she had returned. I’m simply lost in this little bubble of despair. “Why do you have my phone?”
“You dropped it,” I rasp out, unable to look at her at all. “I found it on the floor.”
I don’t look but I sense her staring at the screen and seeing what I just saw. “Oh, so you were reading my messages, huh?” she snaps angrily. “I’m not allowed any privacy now. Is that right?”
“I didn’t look for it. It just came up.” I shrug, wondering why I feel bad now.
“Well, you shouldn’t even be touching my stuff. I don’t look at your shit.” She takes her seat and stares at me. “And this is why. Because I can see you jumping to conclusions. I don’t even need to ask what you’re thinking…”