Men in Control: Special pack: The Smith Brothers Series

by Brenda Ford

  I rake my fingers through my hair as I spin around. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror which causes me a bolt of agony. How the hell can Angelo say I look good when I’m like this? He must be mad or lying. I suppose the only thing I can really do now is hop in to the shower to make myself presentable. I didn’t see a time when me and Angelo would need to have another conversation, but here we are, and it promises to be challenging.

  “He might apologize?” I say as I bring the shower to life. “For what he said to me. He doesn’t look like he wants to yell some more. To call me out for being selfish again. He looks… calm.”

  Actually, now that I think about it, he looks even better than before. He doesn’t have that slight pinch to his face now, the stress that has come from dealing with the after effects of the affair. I wonder if he’s over it.

  I step into the water and allow it to soothe me, to unlock my muscles and make me feel much better. As I do, I can’t stop my imagination from getting the better of me, and I think about what it would be like to get a second chance with this man. It’s a scary thought that I can’t have because my hopes will rise too high, but it’s there anyway. I practically feel his arms around me, his lips against mine, his hand in mine…

  “Stop it,” I growl as I tip my head backwards. “Stop getting worked up by all of this.”

  But I suppose I will always get worked up by Angelo. At least until I am over him. If that ever happens. I can’t see it right now, but there might come a day when everything doesn’t feel as severe as it does right now. It’s sharp and stabbing, like a knife digging in over and over again, but I suppose that will dull over time.

  Eventually, once I feel a million percent cleaner, I dive out the shower and I head straight for my wardrobe, stepping over the mess as I go. It seems like I was looking for something in my drunken state last night and it made me pull out everything that I packed to go on tour everywhere. This is why I couldn’t invite Angelo in.

  “You are going to have to sort this out,” I warn myself. “It can’t go on like this.”

  Although, I don’t know what I mean with my words. Am I talking about my apartment of my life in general?

  Since everything is already a mess and needs sorting, I practically empty my wardrobe on to my un slept in bed to find something to wear, to look less shitty than before. Since I’m still worn out and hung over so I don’t have the energy to look my best, so I eventually take a pair of black skinny jeans out and a red tee shirt from another band’s gig that I went to a few years back. My boots complete this look as does the pony tail I scrape my hair backwards. I don’t have time to dry it, so I’ll let it drip down my back. I then brush a bit of mascara on my eye lashes but leave it there. Angelo has seen me without the mask of make up on. I don’t need to pretend to be someone I’m not. No matter what this conversation is going to be.

  I stare at my reflection in the mirror, a little more satisfied than I was before, and I give myself a warning.

  “This might not be good news,” I tell the other me. “This could be a final conversation without all of the yelling and shouting. Avoiding all the name calling. It could be closure. He could even want to let me know that he’s with someone else and he doesn’t want me to find out another way. It could even be Mandy.”

  If it’s Mandy after all of this, then there really is no hope. If he has gone back to her after actually finding her with Alex having sex, then there is nothing that I can do. There really is no coming back from that. It won’t be the easiest thing to digest, but I suppose it gives me everything that I need to know.

  “Urgh, does it matter?” I moan at myself. “There’s no point in speculating until I know for sure.”

  That’s really an indication that I should go. That I am ready now and it’s time for me to get my limbs moving, but I can’t. I’m frozen on the spot, stuck in time, not wanting to move forward because forward might be the end. The end of the fantasy. The end of the dream. The end of the best romance I have ever had.

  But if that’s what is going to happen, then so be it. There is absolutely nothing that I can do.

  I gather myself up, just my chin out, roll my shoulders back, and start walking towards the door. If I at least look confident then I can pretend that I’m not dying inside. If I don’t crack in public, then it’s a win. I can fall apart as much as I like once I get home alone, but out in the world there isn’t anything I can do.

  I walk down the street towards the café, my heart hammering violently in my rib cage as I go, but I focus hard on keeping my expression stoic. I try to focus on my face rather than what I’m about to deal with because that is too much. All of this is. I haven’t even been given a moment to digest being home yet.

  Come on, Rachel, I goad myself as soon as I get outside. You can do this. You can!

  I peek in the glass door first, watching as he interacts with ease with a waitress inside. She tosses her head back and laughs at his joke, having a really nice, simple time with him. This just reminds me of the times when it was easy between us. Like that night we first hung out in the bar when all we did was laugh. The times when we were alone and the problems surrounding us vanished. All the times we kissed and made love.

  It was perfect. So perfect and wonderful. Everything I ever could have wanted.

  Almost as if he can sense me looking, Angelo’s eyes fix upon me and he smiles. His whole face lights up with happiness as he does. He seems really pleased to see me, which draws me inside, intriguing me further about what he’s going to say. Surely, it can’t be bad if he’s grinning at me that way.

  He grabs the waitress’s attention one more time and says something to her as I get closer to the table and she soon vanishes. That’s the moment he looks at me just like he used to. Like I’m the only woman in the world. It’s hard not to get sucked in to the feelings that swim and wash over me all over again.

  “I just ordered you a coffee, is that okay?” I nod silently, weirded out by how normal he’s acting. “Great, well thank you for meeting me here. It means a lot to me that you have come. I know that things are strange.”

  I don’t know how to answer this, so I simply nod and agree with him. Soon, all this small talk will subside, and we will get in to the real reason why we are here. Much as I’m in a hurry to get there, to overcome this anticipation, I’m also afraid to get there, so I won’t say anything to rock the boat just yet…

  “Angelo, what’s going on?” I hear myself snap. “Why the hell did you call me here?”

  Oh, okay. Maybe not. Maybe I’m just going to dive right into it then and get things moving.

  Chapter 34 – Angelo

  “I was expecting that,” I admit with a nod. “Actually, I was expecting a lot more from you. I thought that you might come in here yelling at me for the way that I behaved before. I’m so sorry about that. I have spent the last few months remembering the way that I behaved and the things I said, and it disgusts me. That wasn’t me at all. I shouldn’t have said anything like that, I should have calmed down. It was all just too much at the time.”

  She’s silent for a while just looking at me. All the color has drained from her face which makes me feel awful. I might have left her sad for months and spent that time thinking about myself only. Talk about selfish. The waitress brings the coffee that I ordered for Rachel to the table and gives us both a strange look. If only she knew!

  “I was an ass,” I continue. “I was a real bastard and I’m sorry about it. I was just so angry and stressed. Everything just got on top of me and I exploded. Learning about the betrayal from Alex was overwhelming.”

  “I know.” She nods acceptingly. “I don’t blame you at all for losing your mind. It was a horrible mess and anyone in your situation would have felt the same, I’m sure of it. You don’t need to say sorry.”

  “Well, I shouldn’t have blamed you. I totally understand why you didn’t tell me. Why would you have told me when you had other things to consider? Other people? I know I fr
eaked out about it, but I was just upset.”

  “Well, I am sorry.” She folds her arms across her chest, discomfort flowing over her. “I should have told you; I know that. It isn’t an excuse, but I shouldn’t have known about the affair and kept it from you.”

  We sit in silence for a while, just looking at one another, the past exploding between us. There are so many things I wish that I could do differently, that I could take back, but all I can do is make it up to her now.

  “I think it was too soon,” I say quietly. “I think that everyone else was right about that. I should have had a break in between Mandy and me and you. It was wrong of me. As we saw a few times, I brought a lot of the baggage with me and it affected us in a negative way. Whereas if I had waited…”

  “Everything could have been different.” She presses her fingers to her lips, leaving me wondering if she’s remembering the sensation of me there. I know I sure as hell am. “It could have been better.”

  “The time I spent with you is the best of my life,” I reply earnestly. “Even wading through all the shit that happened at the same time, being with you was everything to me. You were amazing. Our relationship was…”

  “Was…” she interrupts, making me see my mistake. I didn’t mean to just refer to it in the past tense.

  “Was, yes, because it was before I fucked it up. But that doesn’t mean I always want it to be a ‘was’. I don’t want what happened to end us. I’m not sure where your head is at but I’m willing to be vulnerable and lie everything out for you because I want you to know. I want to make things work with us.”

  “You… you want to try again?” Rachel gasps. “Really? This isn’t just some heat of the moment thing?”

  I chuckle. “Trust me, this is all that I have been thinking about for months. Ever since I walked away from you and my family, I have been thinking about what I would change, and the only thing is getting you back.”

  “Wait.” She holds up her hands to stop me from talking. “You walked away from your family?”

  It seems really odd that someone so important to me doesn’t know about this huge life changing event that has occurred to me. I don’t want it to remain like that. I want things to get back to normal where we talk about everything. I like sharing myself with Rachel. She always makes me feel wonderful for being me.

  “I moved out of the family home. I had to, to get some space from it all.”

  “And you haven’t seen your brothers since that?” she demands, looking far too concerned.

  “I see Brad and Oliver at work all the time, and I have seen Wesley and Nelson a lot too.”

  “But not Alex.” Her eyes dart downwards, and I start to get ice cold blood. This doesn’t look good.

  “No, I haven’t spoken to Alex since that night. I don’t think that I intend to either.”

  She sips her coffee thoughtfully. All I can do is watch her, to see what conclusion she is coming to. I have a funny feeling that I’m not going to like it much, a theory which is about to be proven right.

  “I want to try things again with you too.” Her eyes meet mine. “Because I feel exactly the same way as you do about us. It hasn’t ever been that amazing for me either. I think you are the right guy for me, I always have, it was just the wrong time period which is a shame. But as we have already seen, we can’t handle drama. External circumstances affect us badly. Even if we are in a much stronger place now – which you definitely seem to be – I don’t know if I want to risk trying to weather drama again. It would be too scary for me.”

  “What are you saying?” My whole body stiffens. “That you don’t want to try?”

  “That I want you to be okay with your brothers. All of them. Including Alex.”

  The world stops spinning as I try to take this in. Everyone wants me to make up with Alex, it seems that no one will let me make my own decisions on that front. Not even Rachel. Why would she want this? What is she trying to do to me? Is she protecting my twin brother over me yet again…? Or is she just being honest about what she needs? I did tell myself that I would do anything to win her back around. Although I didn’t expect this…

  “I can’t be okay with Alex,” I try telling her, just like I have told everyone else. “It doesn’t work that way.”

  “You can’t?” An eyebrow cocks. “Or you won’t? Because ‘can’t’ seems like the wrong word.”

  “It doesn’t matter. The outcome is still the same. It can’t happen. I just can’t stand looking at him.”

  She sighs and her eyes fall to her hands which are twiddling in her lap. This isn’t what she wants to hear. But I want to find a compromise in between what she wants and what I want too. There has to be middle ground.

  “Alex did you wrong, I know that. I don’t agree with anything he did. But you have to see now what I was trying to tell you before. Alex wouldn’t have risked everything if he didn’t love Mandy.”

  Those words don’t give me the same stab of pain that they once did. It doesn’t matter so much that love is being mentioned with Mandy and someone else. Even if it is my twin brother.

  “Has he talked to you about it? Is he still with her?” I do still need to know this though.

  “I don’t know. We didn’t talk about anything while we were on tour. Only the music.” She pauses thoughtfully for a moment, really considering her next words. “He went out a lot. Did a lot of partying.”

  “You say that like touring and partying isn’t fun? You don’t think he had a good time?”

  “No,” she shoots back instantly. “I don’t think so. More like self-destruction.”

  That’s more of a gut punch than anything else. It doesn’t matter how much Alex has hurt me, my natural instinct is still to protect him the moment anyone else hurts him… even if he’s doing it to himself. I have seen him with pained looks on his face before. He spent a lot of his teen years perfecting the moody artist look, but I don’t like knowing that I have the power to take some of the pain away from him and I haven’t.

  But he didn’t take my pain away. He could have stopped with Mandy and he didn’t. I can’t forget that. I can’t forget that he purposely kept going back for more and that’s why I’m torn. I guess he had to love her. That’s the only thing. He had to have such strong feelings for Mandy to do what he did. Well, if that’s the case then he’s a poor fool. She isn’t going to feel the same way for him, or she would have broken things off with me for him. She wouldn’t be with another guy after us both as well which was pretty much proven on social media.

  If he is already on a path to self-destruction, then her rejecting him might finish him off. I have managed to recover from things that have happened because it was already over. I don’t think the same is for Alex.

  I glance at Rachel, wondering if she’s right. Maybe I do need to speak to Alex after all.

  “I don’t know, Rachel,” I admit. “I want to help but I don’t know if I can. I mean, the last time I saw him, we were fighting badly. There’s no guarantee that we won’t end up in that state again.”

  She reaches across the table and holds my hand in hers, giving me a sympathetic look. “You can’t guarantee it, sure. But isn’t it worth a try? I just don’t want to get in to anything when there is still strife. I don’t think that it’s healthy for either of us. You know that I work with Alex and that’s going to get complicated.” She leans back and stares at me. “Plus, we aren’t exactly pure, are we? We kissed and fooled around when you weren’t fully over with Mandy. That isn’t exactly something I’m proud of, but it happened. We got carried away, and on more than one occasion too. Things can get messy. Things did get messy. Now they need to be straightened out.”

  “Hmm, yeah I suppose you’re right. I get what you’re saying, but it is different. You weren’t with Alex; I didn’t betray him. Couldn’t we just keep your work with him and your relationship with me separate?”

  She shakes her head, immediately shutting any thoughts like that down. “It wouldn’t work.
Not long term.”

  The fact that she’s thinking long term when it comes to me and her after everything that’s happened, gives me a bolt of hope. I suppose if she’s willing to really jump in to this head first, then I should give her what she wants. Even if it feels impossible at the moment. Even if being around Alex scares the living hell out of me.

  “I will think about it,” I finally cave. “I will see what I can do.”

  “If you do, then I will take you out on a date.” She grins brightly. “Then we can start again on a fresh slate.”

  I do like the idea of starting things with Rachel having a clean break from the past. It was shitty to begin with, but what we had was amazing. If we can get that back again, then surely anything will be worth it. Looking at Rachel now and remembering just what she means to me is overwhelming. I want to be the man that she needs me to be. I want to give her the world, and I guess this is the place I can start.

  Chapter 35 – Rachel

  I can’t believe that I am letting Angelo walk away from me again, this time on my decision. I almost had him back in my arms and I have pushed him away… but it’s the right thing to do. He does need to be okay with Alex again before me and him can start. I can’t see them fall out forever. I don’t know if they will ever be back to what they once were, but anything is better than nothing. Tolerance is better than hate.

  I shake my head sadly, trying not to fall apart with the acute sense of loss, but I turn away regardless and walk back home. I suppose in a way it’s good that happened and so soon after I returned as well. It means I don’t have to worry about randomly bumping in to Angelo at every turn and it being incredibly awkward.

  I tug out my cell phone, needing to end the silence, and I call my partner in crime from last night.

  “Oh my God,” Sheri groans as soon as she answers. “I feel like I’m dying. What the hell happened to me?”

  “We drank too much!” I laugh, feeling a little clearer now that I’ve been out. “It got messy.”