Men in Control: Special pack: The Smith Brothers Series

by Brenda Ford

  I can’t stop my eyes from darting towards the Smith house though, thinking about Nelson. The image that I have of him is one from four years ago. When he was only eighteen years of age. There’s no telling who he has become now. I’m sure that he’s changed a lot. He will have grown. He’s probably broader. He might have changed his look… hell, at college his personality might have altered as well. Who knows? I mean, he’s been in New York which is very different to here. Anything could have happened…

  No one ever said that he was coming home alone as well. I don’t know who he’s met while he was away. He’s bound to have had girlfriends or flings at the very least. I can imagine many young hot female writers clinging to him and claiming him as their own. He might have even brought one back with him to start his new life here.

  Someone he can really have a life with. A marriage that people will be accepting of, that won’t have media coverage because they aren’t such an odd coupling. Someone he can have children with. Grow old with. Love forever. He will have someone who he can have something much more serious with than with me.

  “Stop thinking like that,” I warn myself. “It doesn’t matter. After four years, it doesn’t matter. Plus, you might be strong now, but you have to remember what you lost for him. A lot more than he lost anyway.”

  I want to get myself angry and wound up so I’m not sad anymore. I want to be pissed off rather than upset, but it doesn’t seem to be working. I’m more just sad that it hasn’t worked out the way that I wanted.

  “I already decided that it’s okay,” I say aloud to remind myself. “I knew this would happen.”

  But my God it’s killing me. Absolutely destroying me. Knowing that he’s here, so close but so far, it’s impossible. If I’m not careful, I’m going to drive myself crazy. The last thing I want to do is end up driving myself so wild that I race over there and make a fool of myself. The old woman who he used to foolishly screw around with still hung up on him. Nelson might not laugh at me, but I’m sure his new girlfriend will.

  My head falls into my hands and I let out a little scream of frustration. I don’t like feeling this way, all out of control like anything could happen. That isn’t who I am. Not anymore. Maybe I have been more than that once but not now. Now, I’m supposed to be a better version of me. But as I bang my head on my hands more than one time, I know that I’m weak again. Falling apart because of Nelson freaking Smith. Honestly, time might pass, but some things never change. Even when I think they do; I’m proven very wrong.

  I can’t remain still anymore. I need to wander around. So, I rise to my feet and I wander around the house. I long lost interest in whatever I was supposed to be watching on the television anyway, so I turn it off. My feet won’t remain still. I keep them moving the whole time going everywhere around the house.

  Eventually, just as I suspected I might, even though it’s dumb for me to do so, I head up the stairs, slowly, towards my bedroom. My heart races at the speed of light, my lungs seem to pound and ache, I feel all weird inside, but I keep on going. I know that I won’t see Nelson because he’s at the party that’s being thrown just for him, but I can’t resist myself. That damn magnetic pull is tugging me back towards him. I can’t stop it.

  “What are you doing?” I stand at the window, looking into his empty room, and certainly not for the first time. When he first left, I couldn’t stop myself from staring like this, half willing him to stay away forever to enjoy his life, half wishing that he would come back for me. A part of me wanted to chase him to New York. I’m sure it wouldn’t have been difficult to find out which college he was at, but I didn’t want to. I couldn’t interfere in his life like that. “Why are you interfering with him right now? What’s the point?”

  But I can’t drag myself away from the window. I just can’t do it. I would rather sit here by this Goddamn window torturing myself, wishing that I could travel back in time four years for just a few moments. Just to be with him one more time. I can remember what it was like even now. There hasn’t been anyone afterwards, so it isn’t hard, and I miss it. I miss it a lot. Of course I’m going to miss the incredible sex that we had, but I miss him as well. I miss him so much it actually creates a deep ache in my chest.

  “Just go.” I rise to my feet again and try to resume pacing, but there isn’t anything that I can do to drag myself away from the window. “He isn’t coming. This isn’t going to happen.”

  I just about manage to get myself on to the bed where I lay for a bit just staring up at the ceiling, trying to find all of my life’s answers up there. I drift back to my dream once upon a time where I thought about me and Nelson living on the beach. Loving the life on the shore. I still could have that, I suppose. By myself it wouldn’t be quite the same, but I could still do it, couldn’t I? It wouldn’t be terrible. Rosie certainly doesn’t need me here as much anymore. She has her own life. I could do it. I would make friends; I might not even be lonely…

  All of a sudden, I get a weird prickling feeling down my side. A strange sense that chills and excites me all at once. I almost know what’s going on before it happens. Before I turn and see the eyes looking at me.

  Nelson. I jump up, my whole body reacting to the sight of him. He does look different. He looks four years older and freaking good for it. I actually have to rub my eyes a bit to check that I haven’t fallen asleep… but no, I’m not dreaming. He really is there standing up by the window smiling at me. He has left all the people at the party downstairs to come and see me. What does that mean? Oh my God, what does that mean?

  I walk towards the window as if I’m in a trance, just staring at him, wishing so desperately that I could reach out and touch him. It’s like I have gone back four years, just like I wished, and he is right there. The tree still hangs between us, he could climb across it if he wanted to, and we could pick up where we left off.

  “Hi,” I mouth, a smile creeping up on my face. My palm presses against the window.

  “Hi,” he replies, his face looking adorably sweet. “How are you?”

  I just nod, I’m not sure how to answer that, I’m simply mesmerized. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but there doesn’t seem to be any girlfriend with him. I can’t imagine any woman lucky enough to have him would be stupid enough to let him go upstairs alone to communicate with his ex. But he might not have told her, or she might not be worried about me at all. I’m probably so unthreatening, nothing to her…

  Oh God, just stop it, will you? Stop being a freak. Just smile and wave.

  “You?” I ask back, just wanting to cling on to the conversation for a little while longer.

  “Good, good.” It seems like he doesn’t want to leave either. “Come over?”

  He gives me a side smile which melts my heart and almost makes me want to do as he commands. But much as the Smith brothers have been amazing to me, I don’t know if I can face them all at once. They will have something to say for sure, and even if it’s good, I don’t want to be the center of attention.

  “No.” I shake my head. “I don’t think so.”

  He doesn’t look happy about it, but it’s the right thing to do. Just because it feels like it’s four years ago, it isn’t. We can’t fall back into the same trap as before. Much as I do, I can’t still want him. I have to refuse and continue keeping away. It’s the right thing to do, isn’t it?

  Isn’t it?

  Chapter 33 - Nelson

  She won’t come here, but I can see in her eyes that she wants to see me. Even after all of this time, I know her too well. I know that she wants to speak to me. I have no idea what her life situation is like at the moment, but the only way I will find out is if I go over there to see her. Of course, that will mean leaving the party just as it’s kicking off, but it’s okay. I have talked to everyone now, I think. They won’t miss me.

  So, without thinking too much about it, I swing the window open like I used to do, and I climb out on to the tree branch. I wobble and struggle as I try to climb across t
he branch, struggling far more than I used to before.

  “This used to be fun,” I laugh as Amelia throws her window open. “I remember enjoying it.”

  “Oh, that’s because you were so young then,” she teases. “Now you’re an old man.”

  I toss my head back and laugh, agreeing with her. “Sure, I am. I know, twenty-two now, can you believe it.”

  As I step into her room I have to admit it feels weird not to step across and hug her. Not to pull her to me and kiss her. Not to be able to have her in my arms like I used to… but it isn’t four years ago. Time has passed. Back then, we were something. We were heading somewhere… now, I don’t know what we are.

  Amelia runs her eyes up and down me and smiles. As she looks at me, I feel something all too familiar zig zagging through me. A sizzling chemical reaction that’s undeniable. I guess that won’t ever change, no matter how much time we spend apart or how far away I go. I will always want this woman.

  My head actually spins. I have only been here for a couple of moments and I already feel like I’m losing my mind. The control and composure that I normally have over myself slips off me like droplets of water.

  “So, you’re back?” she says in a happy tone of voice. “Back for good or just a visit?”

  “For good, I think. I have finished my course now, so the world is my oyster.”

  “Yeah. Of course. And with your writing talent… well I’m sure you did very well.”

  It’s weird to remember now that as well as my lover, she was also my teacher. My English teacher who saw a lot of my writing and enjoyed it. Hearing this compliment makes me swell with pride. I have heard a lot of it during my time at college, but from Amelia, it means so much more. Her words carry so much weight.

  “I did, thank you.” I smile widely. “It was a crazy time, but I’m also excited to move on with my life.” I feel the need to explain why I haven’t been back at all. I owe Amelia that much. “I spent a lot of my summers abroad and working for writing companies, getting all of the experience that I can.”

  “Oh wow, I bet that was exciting!” She doesn’t look as angry as I thought she might. “Where did you go?”

  She takes a seat on the bed and I sit beside her, the fizzing practically blowing me away. I try to focus as I talk about all of my adventures but it’s honestly quite hard to focus on anything other than her. I might have changed a lot over the last few years, but she hasn’t one bit. She is still just as beautiful.

  I might have been on a few dates while at college. I did try to broaden my options, to see what else is out there in the world, but I’m proving yet again now that nothing is as good as this. There isn’t anyone as wonderful or who fills me with this same sensation as just knowing that something is right. That’s how I feel with Amelia.

  “Anyway, what have you been up to?” I finally ask. “I feel like I have been talking forever.”

  “In the last four years?” she laughs. “Well that is a big question, but I suppose I should start with my new job.”

  “So, you aren’t in the high school?” Much as I was informed of this, hearing it from her is something else.

  “No, but it’s okay. I mean, it was a shock at first, but I like my job now. I work in an office and I like it a whole lot better. It gives me a much better work life balance which I didn’t get before.”

  I nod silently, wondering if she’s telling the truth. She does look happier which is something, but I don’t know if she’s just trying to make me feel better. “Well, that’s good. I do hope you are happy.”

  “Yes, and it seems like you are as well. That you had a good time at college in New York.”

  “I am glad that I went to New York,” I tell her honestly. “I think I needed that to sort myself out. To grow. My brothers were right, I did need that much, but I do regret having to leave you behind in the process.”

  “Oh, it’s okay. I’m sure things could have gotten really bad if you’d stayed. I didn’t end up in jail, but I’m sure that’s because me and you ended… it just wasn’t the right time, you know?”

  I suck in a breath and hold it tightly, wondering if she means what I think she does. Does she mean that now could be the right time? God, maybe I did come back for Amelia after all. I don’t like to think that I would be that crazy, but perhaps I have. Come back for the one whom I always loved, to claim her at last.

  “Hmm, the right time. Yes. Right person, wrong time.” I try to laugh but the sound is strangled. She shoots me a strange look. “So, have you managed to find the right time… you know, with anyone else?”

  Oh God, why did I ask that? Do I even want to know? As I flicker my eyes all over her, I brace myself for the result. Either way, whatever she says, I will have to just accept it. I have absolutely no choice.

  “No, I haven’t. I haven’t found anyone else. It hasn’t been quite like you.”

  Relief floods me. It’s visible. “That’s the same for me. It hasn’t been the same for me either. No one will ever be like you.” I reach out and touch her gently. Watching her react makes my heart sing. “No one.”

  The chemistry flows strong between us. It’s powerful and overwhelming. It makes my heart race fast. It makes me realize what my life has been missing. In New York, I didn’t feel like I was missing anything. I have been so busy with my head buried in the sand, focused on writing and my career that I haven’t realized it. But now I can feel it so strong and powerfully that it’s all of me. But I don’t know what to do about it.

  Before, it was so much, so desperate, that it was heart breaking when it collapsed. Especially when it wasn’t either of our faults. If we were going to dive into this again, it would have to be for real and forever. We couldn’t go on with any sense of uncertainty from either of us because it will destroy us.

  “So… err, do you need to get back to the party?” she asks me while rising to her feet., clearly trying to get away from the feelings before they swallow both of us fully. “Or would you like a drink?”

  “Yes. A drink would be lovely, thank you. I don’t think anyone is missing me.”

  She walks towards the stairs and I follow her, marveling at the rest of her house as I go. When I was here before, we didn’t really do the normal stuff that couples do… walk freely in her house. The only day we acted like a normal couple was the day that everything ended up getting destroyed.

  In her kitchen, I don’t know where to position myself. I feel all awkward like I don’t know where to put my body. Now that me and Amelia have basically told one another that there are still feelings there, we don’t know what to do with them and it’s uncomfortable. I want to put an end to it and now.

  I watch her pour the drinks with an ease and confidence, like she isn’t struggling as much as me. Or perhaps she’s just so much better at hiding it than me, I don’t know. Instead of worrying about admiring her curves I need to get myself in order instead. I really need to calm myself down before I act a fool.

  “Thank you.” I take the drink from Amelia and smile. “At least this is a legal drink now.”

  We both chuckle together, knowing that making a joke out of things is the best way to deal with it. Something about the glimmer of her smiling reminds me of the day she span around and danced on the beach, when for a brief moment everything was perfect. I want to go back there to that moment for just a little while.

  “Were we crazy?” Amelia asks me. “Thinking that it could work? I mean, we started having an affair when you were my student in high school. We conducted that affair in my office! God, no wonder I got fired…”

  “They never found out about that, did they?” I gasp, feeling even worse.

  “There were rumors, but no one knew for sure. Thankfully, somehow, we managed to keep that a secret.”

  “People didn’t treat you well, did they?” No one ever told me this, but I can just tell. “I’m sorry.”

  “Look, like I said to you at the time, I’m a big girl. I can handle anything. I was fine.�
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  I don’t think this is totally true. I’m sure she had some very challenging times, but she’s shielding me from it. I wish she wouldn’t, but if that’s what she needs to do then so be it. I will just know.

  “I’m surprised you didn’t go,” I say. “Move away. Escape from it all.”

  “I thought about it. Many a time. Going to live on the shore. But I didn’t want to leave Rosie. I didn’t want to move away because of Lux’s actions and miss out on my daughter’s life. He didn’t deserve to win.”

  “That’s true. Yes, I…” All of a sudden, she silences me by kissing me. Her lips crash hard against mine and she wipes the words out of my mouth. I don’t even know what I was talking about. She’s scrubbed my brain clear of any smarts and I instantly become a slave to the sensations she’s darting through me instead.

  At first, I freeze. I don’t know what to think. My body stiffens and I’m consumed by a sense of panic. I don’t know what to do. But soon, my hand automatically cups around the back of her head and I kiss her back, really feeling every scrap of passion explode within me. I really am transported back four years and I feel as thrilled and excited as I did back then. I’m reminded of how everything was so perfect between us.

  Amelia pulls back, looking shocked even by her own behavior. She parts her lips a couple of times, searching her brain, trying to find the right thing to say… but no words come out. She ends up kissing me all over again.

  Chapter 34 - Amelia

  What am I doing? I ask myself as the kiss deepens, his fingers knotting up in my hair. Why can’t I stop?

  I pull back once more and look into his gorgeous eyes. There are some things that I really want to say, but I’m not sure what. It doesn’t matter anyway because Nelson is caressing my lips with his, being gentle and tender as he sweeps me off my feet all over again. I shouldn’t relax and mold into him, but I do. This might well be another mistake. It could end up going horribly wrong all over again, and none of us want that…