by Brenda Ford
“But that’s something I can’t help.” I shrug. “I can’t help how old I am. I didn’t do it on purpose.”
“I know, and that’s the problem. Because it’s something that you can’t change. There isn’t a solution here. That’s why… well if I had known, then I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near you.”
“Exactly!” I step closer to him, praying that we can fix this. “And we would have missed out on the best relationship of our lives. You can’t deny that we had the most amazing time together. You can’t want to throw away everything that we shared because it was perfect. Even you said that it was perfect.”
“Maybe, but that doesn’t mean we can carry it on. Just because it was great, doesn’t mean it can still be a thing. You may say that technically you didn’t lie to me, but you weren’t honest either. We can’t carry on when we can’t trust each other. You must understand how important trust is to everyone.”
I do. I nod because I understand it more than anyone else. I feel bad that I broke the trust between me and Oliver, that I made him feel even a percentage of what I did then I feel terrible. I would do anything to take it back. But the way that he’s looking at me gives me everything I need to see that there isn’t any coming back from this. He really doesn’t see me in the same way. It’s over.
It’s like a punch to my chest. I actually bend double under the weight of it, but even that doesn’t change Oliver’s mind. He walks backwards towards his house, backing away from me, leaving us exactly where we are. On the same night that he asked me to be his girlfriend, I wrecked everything. I hate myself.
Everything washes over me at the same time, all the emotions that I have been trying to suppress come flooding to the surface. I’m not just heartbroken over losing Oliver, my heart has shattered over losing my mom as well. This is the moment where it all crashes through me like a tsunami and I sob. I have been able to cope because my life has been so much better here but now it isn’t going to be, is it? Without Oliver, it isn’t going to be what I want, it won’t have that same magic about it. It’ll make me sad rather than over joyed. I don’t know what I will do from here, I’m not sure how to cope. This is just… the worst.
Chapter 19 - Oliver
I don’t think I even close my eyes, never mind go to sleep. I have been hit by a shock wave and I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to comprehend it, never mind process it. This changes everything, doesn’t it? This makes my whole relationship with Ellie take on a different edge. If she’s only seventeen years old, or eighteen yesterday, then it’s seedy, isn’t it? It’s me basically taking advantage of a younger girl.
Urgh, I throw the pillow over my head while I remember what I was like at seventeen. Vulnerable, stupid, no idea about love or anything. Okay, so maybe Ellie doesn’t seem like that, she definitely has her head screwed on which is why I never doubted that she was at the very least over the age of twenty, but she isn’t. However old she looks or seems; she has only been on the planet for eighteen years.
“Fuck.” It’s hard now to look back at what we shared and to not to see it through new eyes. Now, in all of my memories I’m like a predator and she’s the innocent victim. God, that view of myself is absolutely horrible, I hate it. What I thought was beautiful and perfect was actually just a mess. “Fuck!”
I guess it’s my fault as much as it was Ellie’s. I mean, there were plenty of chances for me to ask her what her age was, I didn’t even ask when I heard that it was her birthday. How crazy is that? It never even crossed my mind to ask, so I suppose I do hold some of the blame and I shouldn’t forget that. She didn’t even really lie. Or did she? Was it a lie by omission? Was it purposeful deceiving? God, I don’t know. I’m a mess.
I swing my legs over the side of the bed without a scrap of energy inside of me and I pad over to the wardrobe. I don’t know if I can even be bothered to put clothes on, never mind get my sorry ass to work, but what else am I going to do? Mope around here all day trying to solve a dilemma without any answers? No, I don’t think so. If I haven’t managed to come up with any solutions while being awake for hours, then it isn’t going to happen. Probably because there is only one solution, and it’s one that I’m not too keen on. I don’t want to have to forget it ever happened because it’s been so life altering, but I don’t see what choice I have. I think I need to.
With that heaviness hanging over me, I get dressed and make my way to work. I can’t shake off the horrible feeling though and I think that must be obvious because everyone gives me a wide berth. Barely anyone even meets my eye. It’s annoying but also probably for the best. I don’t know how I’d react today to anything.
“Oliver, do you think I could catch you for a chat?” Unfortunately, Brad doesn’t seem to get the message.
“Er, sure, what about?” I cock my head to one side and stare up at him. This better be work related.
“Just come into my office, please.” He wiggles his finger at me. “I want it to be private.”
I roll my eyes before I do as he commands. There isn’t any point in avoiding it with Brad, I don’t want to make a scene at work. Drama never solves anything. But as I slump in the chair opposite him in his office, I hope he gets the hint that I’m not against creating some drama in his office if needs be.
“What’s going on with you, Oliver?” he demands. “I think you should tell me.”
“I’m, just tired, Brad. I haven’t been sleeping too good recently. Nothing is wrong.”
“Oh yeah, sure. That’s it. You’re tired. Nothing more. I bet.” He shakes his head sadly. “Why don’t you feel like you can just be honest with me, Oliver? I don’t feel close to you at all. I know that there has always been a little bit of distance between us, but now I feel more apart from you than ever. I want to help.”
I want him to help as well. I would love his help on this one, but I don’t know what to tell him. I don’t know how to word my issues without him thinking that I’m sleezy. Plus, I absolutely hate the idea of him telling our other brothers and them just laughing at me, talking about me, distancing themselves from me more.
No, it’s my dirty little secret and that’s the way that it has to stay. I don’t have any choice.
“I don’t need any help, Brad, but thank you. I appreciate it. If you want to get closer to me then maybe we should go out for a few drinks one night, something like that. Have a chat somewhere but at work.”
“Yes, I like that idea. That would be awesome. Then maybe you will open up.”
“Right.” I bolt up from my chair, needing to escape before he says anything else. I might just about escape this conversation unscathed if I’m lucky. “Well let’s arrange that then. I’m good with that.”
“You know…” But Brad isn’t about to let me escape that easily. “Violet on the reception desk was asking me if you were single the other day. I thought that could be a nice match making opportunity…”
Huh, Violet. She’s sweet enough. She’s nice and very uncomplicated. Pretty too, but I already know that she isn’t the sort of girl who will give me that fire. Now I’ve experienced the spark with Ellie, I know that nothing else will do. I need to have those flames, or it just isn’t worth it. It’s a shame because that notion always makes me fall for the wrong girl. First Rosie, my attached best friend who isn’t ever going to see me that way, who hasn’t ever given me any sign that she likes me romantically, then Ellie who is much too young.
“You aren’t saying anything,” Brad jumps in, interrupting my thoughts. “Is there something wrong with Violet? I thought that she might be just your type, but I could be wrong. I can just say something to her…put a word across, maybe.”
“No, you don’t need to say anything,” I shoot back sharply. “At least for now. I can’t even think about anything like that.”
He holds his hands up in a surrendering gesture. “Okay, I’ll say nothing. But if you change your mind then let me know so I can set something up for you. It would be nice to see you happy.”
I almost argue that I am happy, thank you very much, but those words don’t quite come out. Up until yesterday, that was the case, but now my whole world has been turned upside down and I don’t know how I feel. Without Ellie, I don’t know where my happiness lies anymore and that’s a real issue.
I shouldn’t rest my happiness all on one person, I should be able to be okay without her. But I’m not. Maybe that will come with time, but right now, it’s like I will explode without her. Even knowing all that I know, I still feel like I need her. It’s a really confusing range of emotions to suffer through.
“Yeah, well I want to be happy as well,” I reply. “And I will be. I’m working on it.”
“You have five brothers. At least one of us should be able to help you. It doesn’t only have to be me…”
I don’t know what to say to that. I should have someone to talk to, but it just doesn’t work that way. Not when my secret is what it is. Instead of saying anything more, I nod and half smile at Brad before exiting his office.
“Hey, Oliver,” Violet calls out to me as I walk past her desk. “How are you today?”
Knowing that she likes me makes it a little awkward. Especially when I know that I should like her right back. She isn’t linked to anyone in my life, aside from my work place, so she would be much simpler to date, but I can’t make my heart yearn for her. It just isn’t going to happen ever. Damn no spark, it’s terrible.
“All good, Violet,” I reply blandly. “How about you? Everything good with you?”
“Oh yes, everything is fine thank you…” Her words trail off when she realizes that I’m not going to stop.
I continue walking all the way to my own desk where I sit and smack my head against it hard. So hard I’m pretty sure that it’s going to leave a bruise, but that really is the least of my problems right now. I miss the days when a little bruise would have been my biggest problem. All of this is just too much.
Ring, ring… It seems like I can’t even get a moment of peace by myself in my office. Ring, ring…
“Hello?” I answer wearily. I don’t even know who it is, I didn’t bother to look.
“Hey, Oliver, it’s Rosie.” She sounds more upbeat which is good. “How’s work?”
“Urgh, don’t ask. How about you? How is everything going?”
“Okay. I mean, okay-ish. I’ve been spending far too much time online stalking Tristan which obviously isn’t healthy. Now, he’s posting all kinds of pictures with that girl, so they are clearly still together.”
“That sucks, I’m sorry, Rosie. I would tell you to stop looking, but I know it isn’t that simple.”
“I keep trying, but it’s like I’m addicted. It’s horrible. Which is why I thought that I might ask you if you want to come for a movie night at mine tonight. We need a catch up, it’s been a while. Even when we have been together, I’ve been talking only about me. I’d like to know what’s going on with you.”
No, you really wouldn’t, I think sadly as Rosie becomes just another person that I can’t confide in. I know what her questions are like too and I’m afraid that she will crack me. I can’t go in her house either for fear of seeing Ellie. I am definitely not in the right head space for that. I still don’t know how I feel about her and it has my head spinning. It makes me feel all weak at the knees even thinking about it.
“Er, I can’t tonight, I’m afraid. I have plans tonight with Brad. I’m really sorry. He wants me to come with him so he can catch me up with some things, I think he might be having some drama.”
“Oh, that’s a real shame. I miss you, Oliver. When can we hang out then?”
“I… I will have to get back to you on that one. But soon, I promise.”
She doesn’t sound impressed, but at least she makes an agreeable noise. “Okay, fine. Let me know. Just remember that not only do I need you for much needed emotional support at the moment, but I miss you too. You’ve been a bit distant lately and I want to check in on you.”
“I appreciate that.” I really do as well. It’s nice to remember that I do have friends around me. With everything that’s been going on with Ellie, I suppose I have pushed Rosie away a bit and I can’t wait to reconnect. But not today, not now while my head is all over the place. Soon though. “We will do something soon.”
As I hang up the phone, I try to get my head back in the game, but I don’t know if that will happen today. There isn’t much point in me trying to concentrate, I might as well just think. And think, and think, until some sort of answer comes to me.
Chapter 20 - Ellie
The chattering radiates around me, barely even passing over my ear drums. Most of it is Seth, talking about his new group of friends at the school. It’s safe to say that he’s happy and in a good place here and that he will want to stay. It’s a shame because I’ve half been considering moving on when all the money finally comes through. Not back home and nowhere here, but somewhere else entirely. I can’t do that to Seth though. He’s settled after the upheaval and I can’t put him through anything else. It isn’t fair on him at all.
I sigh and rest my hand on my forehead unable to even consider eating another bite. Every second that passes is torturous. It’s like an hour, all because of him. Oliver Smith, the man that I was falling head over heels with who now doesn’t want anything to do with me all because of something that I can’t change. It isn’t fair.
“Are you okay?” Auntie Amelia asks me. “You look a little sick, Ellie?”
“I… I’m fine.” I try to force a smile on my face but it’s hard. “Just a little tired, that’s all.”
“Do you want to talk? Because I’ve been worried about you for a while now. You haven’t exactly been very active since you arrive here, have you? Your lack of direction has been troubling…”
Because I don’t know what to say to this problematic, probably accurate, statement, an anger burns through me and I lash out because in the heat of the moment, it’s the only logical response that I have.
“I’m grieving, okay?” I bang my hands down hard. “I’ve lost everything recently, my whole life plan has ended, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. I want some goal, but I don’t know what.”
“Well, this is what I want to discuss with you. I can help you if you want me to…”
“I don’t think that I need any help, thank you.” I shake my head hard. “I can figure it out on my own. I just need time. I just need to… to have some space, that’s all. I’m in the middle of sorting myself.”
“Oh, of course…” She calls after me as I try to escape the room. “I don’t want to put any pressure on…”
But it isn’t really her putting the pressure on, it’s me. I’m piling everything on my own shoulders and weighing myself down, slowly pushing myself towards the brink of anxiety. I don’t know how long it’ll be before I pop.
“I need to…” I whisper. “I need to go to my room. I need to…”
I feel like I might vomit as I take the stairs two at a time. The thought of getting a job and putting some direction in my life is making the room spin around me. It’s one of those things that I know I need to do but now it’s been pushed right to the fore front. Auntie Amelia has created a nightmare.
I flop on the bed, pain radiating through me, and I wail loudly in to the pillow. It can never be just one problem at a time, can it? Everything has to come at me all in one go to try and destroy me.
“Ellie?” I hear my bedroom door open a crack and Rosie’s face peek around it. “Can I come in?”
I would much rather she didn’t because I want to be on my own, but I don’t want to be any more rude, so I nod. She wanders in and takes a sea opposite me, giving me a curious look.
“I’m sorry about my mom,” she finally says. “I know that she’s a bit too much at time, but believe me she only wants the best for you. She’s trying to be helpful in her own special way. I know that it isn’t great though, believe me I have been dealing with this my whole life.�
�� She laughs and I join in a little. “But she doesn’t want to upset you.”
“I think that I might be more upset with myself to be honest. I’m annoyed that I haven’t done anything.”
“I wouldn’t worry. You’re in the middle of grief. You shouldn’t have to make these life changing decisions while your head is all over the place. You just take the time to figure it out.”
“You’re wise,” I say with a smile to Rosie. “How did that happen?”
“I don’t know if I am, really. Especially not when it comes to matters of the heart. But that’s a family trait, isn’t it? All the Clark women get attracted to assholes. Your mom, my mom, me…”
“How are things with you and Tristan?” I ask as her head hangs low. “Sorry, with the break up, I mean.”
“Well, we’re still broken up, that’s for sure. Me and him anyway. He’s still with the other girl. And it doesn’t matter how many times I try to convince myself that it’s for the best, I don’t feel it. I just miss him.”
She’s sad. I race to her side and wrap my arm around her. “I’m sorry, Rosie. That really is awful. I wish I could tell you what to do to get over him, but I think that time might be the only cure.”
“Yeah, that or moving on with someone else,” she shoots back wryly. “I just need to find an eligible bachelor.”
“You say that like there aren’t any around here. I’m sure there must be, right?”
Her face darkens and she gives me daggers, but only for a second before she straightens her expression right back out again. “You’ve been here for a while now. You’ve seen… haven’t you?”
This feels like it might well be the first time that she is tackling the subject of me and Oliver which is terrifying and also not needed now. We’re over, there isn’t any point in affecting their friendship. Also, I might be a little scared of her tearing her temper in to me all over again. I just don’t need that.
“I don’t know about the guys here really.” I’m sure to avert my eyes. “I don’t know if I’m in the right place to be with anyone anyway. I can’t offer anything to a relationship when my head is everywhere.”