by Brenda Ford
“Is that right?” I can tell that she doesn’t trust me. “I thought you’d want someone…”
“Not now, no.” I tense my whole body up. I have to shut this down as quick as I can. “I’m happy to just be by myself. I need to get a job, get a place for me and Seth to live, sort out finances… that sort of thing.”
“You’re still thinking of moving out then? I would like you guys to stay here, and I’m sure that Mom feels the same. It’s been nice having you guys around. It makes me realize how close we all were.”
This statement warms me up and reminds me of it too. “Do you remember that big tree at the end of our road? By the park where we always used to climb it and pretend to be monkeys.”
“Oh yeah! I do remember that!” She tosses her head back and laughs. “God, we were so weird.”
“I know. I think we probably still are; we’ve just got better at hiding it.”
Rosie eyes me curiously, before rising up to her feet. I actually don’t want her to go, I’d like to spend some more time with her. To stave off the loneliness and also to reconnect.
“I might go and get us some drinks and face masks. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a girl’s night.”
“Yeah, me too.” I don’t think I have ever had a girl’s night. “Sounds like fun.”
When she leaves my room to gather everything up, my mood lightens considerably. See, maybe I don’t need Oliver to make me happy after all. Perhaps I can find a way to enjoy my life all by myself. I might not even have to move as quickly as I initially planned. I can still get my own place with Seth eventually, but it might be fun to spend more time with Auntie Amelia and Rosie. Have some family for a while. When it comes to getting my head together, it could be beneficial to do it here where there isn’t any pressure.
I don’t know. I don’t want to make any wild choices right now. I can just think about it. It’s nice to have choices. I can’t forget that a lot of people in my situation don’t have that. Me and Rosie might have had a rocky start, but it looks like a friendship is finally coming out of it which is good. Friends are making Seth’s time here easier and if I let Rosie in, she can do the same for me. Well, I can only let her in so much, but it could be enough.
Rosie lies snoring on my bed with a peaceful expression on her face. Make up streams down her face, but for the first time in a long time, that’s because we’ve been laughing so much, she hasn’t been crying. The wine combined with chocolate and face masks has been perfect for the both of us. It’s just a shame that she has crashed out and now I’m here, wide awake and by myself. For some reason, the booze doesn’t make me sleepy.
I pace up and down the room, still sipping my wine, wondering what I should do now. I kinda want to carry on talking to someone, but I’ve already been around the house and everyone is sleeping.
I end up wandering out into the hallway and leaning on the window sill to stare at Oliver’s house. Urgh, I hate that I’m still so obsessed with this man, even after he blew me off, I want to hang out with him. It’s his voice that I want to hear really. His arms that I want around me. His lips on mine…
“Screw it,” I mutter to myself, the alcohol making me braver. “I’m going to call him.”
The thing is I haven’t reached out to him yet and maybe that’s what he’s waiting for. For me to extend an olive branch. There is always the hope that he hasn’t spoke to me because he’s so ashamed of his behavior. Because he thinks that I won’t want to speak to him if he tries to call me. He could be hurting just as much as I am and sitting by the phone to wait for it to ring. This might be the best call that I ever make in my life.
I cling on to that idea, maybe more than I should, as I dial. I keep thinking that he’s going to pick up with an apology, but nothing. It just keeps ringing and ringing until it goes right through to the voice mail machine.
“Fuck,” I mutter, sad and frustrated. “He really does hate me.”
If he wanted to speak to me then that was his chance to do so and he chose not to. He chose to continue ignoring me which means my age really is a big problem for him. He isn’t letting it go. Much as I have been trying to come to terms with losing him, I don’t think I have really accepted it. Not totally. Now I’m going to have to. I will really have to accept that me and him are done. Over. Finished for good.
I slide to the ground, my ass hitting the floor hard, and I do what I can to fight back the tears. I can’t shed another tear over this guy because it isn’t right. He’s shattered me. Even if I didn’t do something right, that doesn’t excuse him being like this about things. Urgh, or maybe it does, I don’t know. I’m in such a confused state.
Chapter 21 - Oliver
I press my hands to my ears, ignoring the call. It’s Ellie, again, for the third time. When I first spotted her name, I decided this wasn’t the time and place to pick up, but now it seems like she won’t give up and I don’t know what to do. I really want to speak to her, I can’t help myself, but I know I can’t. If I allow myself to speak to her then I might get sucked back in to being with her again. The temptation is all too real.
“Oh God, stop it,” I moan. “I want to get some sleep. I really can’t speak to you.”
But the resolve is cracking. I can feel myself falling apart like an egg. My fingers are itching to reach out and grab the phone, I’m absolutely desperate to say hello, to hear her say it back. I can practically feel her voice tickling in my ear already, my chest swelling with happiness, my heart singing with joy. I know that speaking to her will feel amazing, that it will be a shot of joy to grasp on to, but that will soon dissipate. The moment we stop talking again and I remember that we can’t be together, I will be overcome with sadness again.
“Be strong,” I tell myself. “Be strong, stand tall. Don’t give in.”
I roll over on to my side and press a pillow over my ear so I can’t hear it anymore. But it doesn’t make any difference. The sound keeps infecting my ear drums over and over again, pulling me in with a magnetic force. Much as I attempt to fight it off, I can’t. I struggle against it hard, but it wins out. I find my body turning around way before I’m ready for it, and without opening my eyes I pick up the phone.
“Hello?” I murmur into the receiver, my voice croaky, the emotion hitting me as I wait for Ellie.
“Hey, Oliver,” a drunken slurry voice replies. “I’ve been trying to call you for ages.”
“Rosie?” I sit up straighter, shock bolting through me. I wasn’t expecting that. “Are you okay?”
“I’m good. I just wanted to talk to you. But you weren’t picking up the phone. I wanted to… to hang out with you like you said we were going to, but then you never followed through on it.”
“Oh right, of course.” I also haven’t really had my night out with Brad either. “Yes, we can hang out soon.”
“You want to come over right now? I was having a girl’s night, but I think I fell asleep and now I’m alone. I just need to get back to my room, then me and you could… you know, catch up?”
“You don’t want to go to sleep?” I laugh. “You sound pretty tipsy and shattered.”
“No! I don’t want to sleep. I just want you to hang out with me, I miss you.”
“Yeah,” I reply sadly. “I miss you too. It’s just… well, it’s late, isn’t it?”
“That never used to bother you before. We always used to hang out late. What’s going on with you at the moment, Oliver? I feel like you’re pushing me away and I don’t like it. Me and you have been through a lot together. I’m going through something pretty huge now too and it’s like you aren’t here.”
She’s sad, really sad, and I have been the cause of it. Or not the cause, but I haven’t exactly helped. I’ve let my own problems and hang ups get in the way. I’ve been so wrapped up in my stuff that I forgot about my friend.
“Yes, of course we can hang out,” I resign. “But not at your place. Come over to mine.”
“Ooh, but I’m drunk, Oliver. C
an’t you come to me? I want to see you here.”
I fall my head forwards and rub it with my hands. I’m not going over there for anything in the world. I can’t face Ellie. I can’t deal with it. It’s good in a way that I haven’t been able to speak to her, that it is Rosie on the phone, but the temptation nearly came for me. Seeing her would be too much for me I just know it.
“I will wait outside for you, Rosie, but you have to come here. I need you to come here.” I can’t keep the desperation from my voice. “It will just be a lot easier if you can come here.”
“Oh, so we can have some privacy? Yeah, you’re probably right. My house is a bit messy. Too many people in it and all that. But you have all that room where me and you can just hang out.”
“Right, exactly.” That works for me. Whatever gets her over here works for me. “So, you’ll come?”
“I’m getting off my sorry ass right now. I will be in a moment. Oops, I just fell.”
“Are you sure this is a good idea? Don’t you want to just sleep it off?”
“No, I told you I can’t. I can’t sleep it off. I need to see you and I need to do it right now.”
“Ooh, you said that like you have something to talk to me about,” I half tease but I quickly realize that this could all be linked to Ellie. She might have found out and now she wants to murder me.
“I do… yes, I do actually. So, you just wait there. No, don’t wait, come outside and meet me outside. Outside is better. Because then we can… then we can have a little talk, can’t we?”
“Could you stay outside anymore?” I laugh. “Okay I’m on my way out now. See you there.”
“Yep! Oops, fell again. Hold on. I’m okay don’t worry. I’m on my way.”
She hangs up the phone quickly and I make my way down the stairs to get there before she hammers the door down. I haven’t seen Rosie drunk very often but during the times when she is, it’s always a nightmare. I have tried to sort out her mess on more than one occasion and I might be facing that right now. I don’t want her waking thee whole house up and causing way more drama than there needs to be.
The night is dark and the wind is chilly. I don’t actually know how late it is, but I should be inside. I should definitely be sleeping. I have work in the morning, and I don’t want to be exhausted. But I haven’t been the best friend recently and I want to make up for it. I need to make up for it. Rosie needs me.
I wrap my arms tightly around myself, almost as if I’m holding myself together, and I wait. I wait and try my hardest not to stare up at the building which contains Ellie. It’s damn near impossible not to think about it every time I see her house. I remember all of it. Everything that we shared, and it hurts. It aches because I want it again, I need it again, and I don’t think there will be anyone like her for me. I won’t ever get that again. God, I can’t think about that right now. I can’t remember how great things were because it’s done. Done. Nothing will change the reasons why we had to break up, so I can’t analyze them again, I need to just move on. So does she.
Urgh, not that I want to think about Ellie ever moving on with anyone! Even the idea makes me feel sick. The idea of her giving that smile to anyone else, kissing him, giving herself to him… the faceless stranger who I don’t even know and I’m jealous of him. I hate him already because he can have what I can’t.
I don’t even want to think about it. I just want to imagine that won’t happen. I hope that before it does, one of us has gone from these claustrophobic houses that are far too close to one another.
It takes too long; I almost start to think that Rosie isn’t coming. I nearly give up and head back inside but the door swings open and out she comes. As she stumbles through the door and almost hits the ground, I feel bad for her. She is drunk because she’s in pain because of what her asshole ex did to her. God, I want to get my hands around Tristan’s neck to wring it on her behalf. He is the worst guy ever. To treat his lovely girlfriend the way that he did is absolutely disgusting. I hope he gets what’s going to him. I want karma to kick his ass because I can’t. To be fair it will probably do a much better job.
“Rosie.” I wave my hand and smile at her. I’d go closer to her if I could, but that pulls me dangerously close to Ellie’s home. I need Rosie to hurry her ass up and get here. “Rosie, come over here.”
She smiles at me before bolting in to a run. She’s surprisingly light on her feet and agile, no longer tripping up at all. I must be a goal for her, someone she’s desperate to see, and that helps her to keep going. I shake my head with bemusement, without a clue what to say to this. What to make of her.
“Oliver, I have missed you so much,” she calls out much too loudly. “Yay, this is so good.”
She jumps up and leaps into my arms, nearly knocking me backwards. I wasn’t expecting this at all. Much as me and Rosie are best friends, we aren’t all touchy feely like this. We don’t hold on to one another and hug, she certainly doesn’t wrap her legs around me and grip me hard. This is definitely strange, there’s no doubt about it.
I part my lips, wanting to say something to her, but nothing comes out. It’s like I have actually been left speechless by her which is a real first. Either that or she’s completely winded me, I’m not quite sure.
“Thank you for coming to meet me outside,” she whispers. “This is awesome. A bit like a date.”
“A date? What the hell are you talking about, Rosie?” I laugh. Well, I try to laugh but the sound comes out strangled. It’s painful in the back of my throat and I’m sure that she must be able to hear that.
“You know, like you’re picking me up for a date. Or maybe I’m picking you up, I don’t know.”
I release my grip around her a little, allowing her to fall to her feet also while trying not to drop her completely. This whole conversation is weird, as is the atmosphere surrounding us. Something has changed and I can’t tell what it is. I take a little step back and cock my head to one side as I examine her face, trying to work out what’s going on behind Rosie’s eyes. She doesn’t look like herself, she’s more than just drunk.
“What did you want to talk about, Rosie? What’s going on? Why are you acting all crazy?”
“Don’t you get it?” She touches her hand to my cheek softly. “Don’t you see what this is?”
“What… what is?” I pull back a little. “I don’t get what’s going on here.”
“You really don’t?” She hooks her arm around the back of my neck and yanks me closer to her. “Because I think that this is something which has been coming for a long time.”
I go to answer her again, to demand yet another explanation for her drunken rambling, but I don’t get any words out. Not because she’s left me speechless all over again, but because she’s crashed her lips hard against mine to silence me with a kiss.
Chapter 22 - Ellie
I need to see him. I know that he didn’t pick up the phone the time I called him, but he might see me. In fact, face to face may well be even better because we can really get everything out there. I can make him see my emotions and make him understand that I care enough about him for age to not be an issue.
I think I’ve sobered up a bit as I head outside. The booze doesn’t seem to be swirling through my system quite as violently as it was before. I’m ready to face this and to tackle this head on. I actually feel a little lighter as I walk down the stairs. I know this is a good decision. It’s going to work out okay…
Huh, the front door is open a crack. That isn’t like Auntie Amelia, she’s usually really good at safety things. I think she might have gotten even worse with Seth around. But it might have been a slip up. Anyone is allowed to make a mistake, that’s just what happens. It’s just a good job that I’m still up and heading out.
I tug the door open quietly, trying not to make too much of a creak as I do, and I tip toe outside. My breath catches in my throat because it’s so cold. I do what I can to suck it up though, because I want to see Oliver so badly. The need t
o hang out with him completely over shadows any cold.
I glance at my watch to check the time. I don’t want to offend anyone by banging on the door too late, but the shadow of a person outside the Smith house hold captures my attention first. Whatever the time it, that seems weird. Even stranger when I take a step forward and I see Rosie – who I thought was still in my bed – with her legs wrapped around Oliver. And not in a friendly way, but in a romantic looking way. In a sexual looking way, actually. It really looks like Rosie wants him, and while I can’t see Oliver’s face, he probably wants her to. Why wouldn’t he? She’s absolutely gorgeous. A real heart breaker… only she’s nice too and doesn’t break hearts. She has her hear broken by assholes who don’t know how to treat her right.
Oh God, she was talking about getting with someone new, wasn’t she? Someone who would treat her right, and Oliver is that guy. Sure, things ended on bad terms, but he was amazing until then. A real gent. A guy who thought of me like a princess and brought me jewelry. Made me smile every minute of every day. Would send me cute texts to cheer me up, even if he didn’t know I needed cheering up, who was just perfect.
He’s the sort of guy that I would want for Rosie, but not him. Why does it have to be him?
My blood runs ice cold and my heart damn near stops beating. What the fuck is this? Am I dreaming? But no, a quick rub of my eyes confirms that no dream is being had right now. This is really happening. I am actually looking at Rosie and Oliver in a cinch. I half suspected that Rosie might have a thing for Oliver, but to see it with my own eyes is gut wrenching. Especially when he doesn’t seem to be completely rejecting her.
Maybe he has always had a thing for her as well. Perhaps I was just there to make her jealous. And it’s worked because Rosie and Tristan have broken up, she’s available for him, and I’m out the picture.