by Brenda Ford
“Hannah told Court and he told me. I know all about your games.” My blank face must let him know that I’m confused. I must have missed something here because my head is all over the place. Unless I’m being slower because I’m just so damn tired. “I know that you will do whatever it takes to get to the top. You will stomp on anyone to make sure that you go far in life and you don’t care who you hurt along the way. I know that you have done things like this before and I guess it always works out for you, doesn’t it?”
All the anger is gone. Or just simmering underneath me. Under all of the confusion here because Wesley isn’t making sense at all. I want to stop him because I’m the one who is supposed to be ranting here, I am the one in the right, but he’s on a roll now and I can’t seem to stop him from going on.
“So, was all of it a lie? Huh? Do you always do the fake fiancé bit? The fake relationship to distract a guy so you can trample all over him and steal his dreams? Or is it just the fake pregnancy? And before you even try to deny it, don’t forget that Hannah has already told me that you have pretended to be pregnant before.”
“Hannah said this?” I gasp out, my brain spinning wildly as I try to process this. “Why would she…?”
“Why would you more like?” he barks. “How could you do that to me? Why would you wreck me? The baby thing… that was a lot for me. I’m a commitment phobe who never wanted to get in to anything serious. Especially with someone that I don’t even really like. But I was willing to oversee all of that…”
“Wow… what a way to make me feel special,” I snap back. “So, it was all a lie from you? You didn’t want me at all because you don’t even like me, but you were willing to stick it out?”
My baby deserves better than that. Even I deserve better than that. I could tell him that Hannah is the only one doing the lying here but if he’s going to speak to me in such a disgusting way, then he doesn’t deserve to know the truth. If he is willing to believe that of me… well, I don’t even know how low he thinks I am.
“I guess we are both liars,” he replies coldly before stalking passed me. “Don’t ever speak to me again.”
At first, I’m frozen to the spot, unable to process what has just happened, but soon the emotion rushes through me and gets the better of me. There is no way that I’m going to cry in the office. Manager or not, it isn’t the done thing. So, I head straight for the bathroom and I lock myself away in one of the cubicles to cry.
Shit, I think sadly as the tears leak down my cheeks. What the hell just happened?
I can’t believe that I was mad with Wesley at the same time he was angry with me as well. But at least my reasons for being annoyed are genuine. His are ridiculous. A rumor started by someone who is supposed to be my friend here. Someone who I didn’t trust but I thought that I could like.
But how did she know about the baby? That’s what I don’t get. I guess that Wesley must have told someone, and it’s all gotten twisted from there, which makes it even more offensive really. We agreed to keep it between us, so that’s just another way that he has proven himself untrustworthy. How did I read him so wrong?
I slide downwards and grab on to my stomach, crying now for my baby as well as myself. If this is what he thinks, then it seems like I’m on my own all over again. Only this time I will be really alone because we won’t even co-parent. He can’t decide to just believe me when our child is born, and he realizes that I faked nothing, because the way that he has treated me is too bad for that. Both of us. We need better.
The creaking of the door has me sucking in and holding a breath. I don’t want anyone to hear me crying either because then they will want to know what’s going on with me and why. I don’t want to talk anyway, much less to people that I definitely can’t trust. And that includes every damn person in this office. There isn’t a single person who could be out there right now who I would want to talk to. The only person that I could even begin to speak to right now lives in New York, and she doesn’t know anything about my baby as yet.
I’m going to have to tell her now because I need Jessica’s help more than ever.
“So, did you hear?” Hannah’s nasty voice freezes me. I can’t move, I’m stuck to the spot. “About Zoe?”
Shit, she’s about to gossip about me again. This would be the perfect time for me to leap out of here and confront her for what she has done, but I don’t. It’s like I’m consumed by lead and it’s holding me in place. The world is spinning around me, everything is impacting on me, and I am powerless to stop it.
Do something, I beg myself. Don’t just sit here, don’t let that happen… but I can’t. I just can’t.
“I heard all sorts,” comes the reply from a voice I don’t even recognize. “What’s the truth?”
“Well, she has been sleeping with Andy for ages now, which is how she ended up promoted.”
“Oh my God, isn’t he married? How do you even know about that? Did she tell you?”
“God no.” Hannah laughs loudly, the sound stabbing in to me like blades. “I imagine that she was far too embarrassed to tell me. But I walked in on them. She was under his desk giving him a blow job.”
“That is disgusting! I can’t believe it. I don’t think any job is worth that…”
“I know. Me neither. But I guess some people are willing to do whatever it takes to get to the job. However horrific it is. Personally, I think that she is an absolute fool for going anywhere near him but…”
I block my hands over my ears. I can’t listen to these lies anymore. Maybe Wesley hasn’t said anything about the baby then, perhaps Hannah is making up all sorts to take me down for some strange reason, and it’s just a coincidence, but it doesn’t matter. None of it matters. I know that once rumors get spread around there isn’t any way to stop them. If you ignore them, you look guilty and it gets worse. If you confront them… well, it gets worse again. There isn’t any way to handle them. And now I am a real target. I’m stuck here with all eyes upon me. My belly swelling as the baby inside of me grows isn’t going to help things, is it? There will be rumors that the baby is Wesley’s, that it belongs to Andy, probably that I’m a slut who could be having a child with anyone. I don’t want to face that, especially since Wesley clearly isn’t prepared to support me so I am alone.
I don’t know if I can do this by myself. I don’t know if I can do it at all.
Chapter 13 - Wesley
“I don’t want to go out again tonight,” I moan to Court and Hannah. “I’m still hung over, you know.”
“Which is exactly why you have to come out!” Court shoots back, proving that he isn’t about to take no for an answer, no matter how many times I shoot it his way. “Hair of the dog. It’s the best cure.”
“I’m pretty sure that going home and sleeping it off would be the best cure.”
“No way.” Hannah tugs on my arm. “Come on, we had fun last night. Don’t you want to have fun again? It seems like our plan to take down Zoe is working anyway. She hasn’t been in work all day.”
I dart my eyes frantically between Hannah and Court. “That was just talk though, right? We haven’t actually done something to ‘take her down’, have we? Because much as I’m pissed off with her, I don’t want to turn it in to some big hate campaign at the office. That isn’t really the way to handle it.”
I don’t miss the look that they share before Court answers me. “I think she left this morning after you argued with her, Wesley. That got pretty ugly quickly, didn’t it? If you called her out on her behavior, then she probably didn’t want to stick around as everyone found her out. Liars don’t like to be confronted.”
“Hmm, I guess I didn’t see her after that argument. But I did tell her to leave me alone…”
“So, she did.” Court shrugs. “That’s good news. But serious, I don’t want to spend tonight talking about Zoe fucking Portwood. I want to go out and have fun and I’m sure that you two want the same thing.”
Hannah grins and nods before they
both stare at me expectantly. I know that they want me to agree, so as much as I don’t really want to, I feel myself nodding. I only have to go out for one, don’t I? Then I can make an escape. Once the two of them have started drinking and they are distracted, I can head home guilt free.
“Come on then,” I say wearily. “Let’s head out. Hair of the dog, could be fun.”
They cheer and high five like teenagers before we leave the office and we head back to the bar where we spent most of the night last night. Well until we headed to some club where I puked on someone… dear God, why am I so weak that I’m allowing myself to get dragged in to this all over again? I don’t even enjoy it; I have already made the decision that this isn’t the life for me. But it’s the only way that I can block out my pain. The pain that has been caused by the only woman that I have ever fallen for and her damn lies.
My fists curl up by my sides, I feel like I could lash out at any given moment. I have to really resist the urge to keep this anger and hurt inside. I can’t let anyone see that this shit is still affecting me. Court is right. We need to stop talking about Zoe, stop thinking about her. I need to get over her already…
Once at the bar, the three of us sink drinks quickly. Shots, pints, spirits, the whole shebang. To be honest, it does help my hang over a bit because it teeters me back in to drunk very quickly, but it doesn’t make me happy. The more liquid that Court and Hannah consume, the happier they become. The louder and more bubbly, the more sociable and fun. I was like that last night as well because it was what I needed, but tonight the booze makes me sink in on myself. Every sip makes me smaller and sadder, less able to talk to people. The more people that Court and Hannah invite over to our table, the more irritated I become.
I need to go. I should get the hell out of here just like I planned. But I need some more drinks first. Lots more drinks so that when I go back home, I can get straight in to bed and sleep this shit off.
“Hannah likes you,” Court suddenly whispers to me, making me jump. “She has always liked you.””
“Huh?” I can barely even work out what he’s saying right now. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that you should ask her out on a date already. She’s hot, isn’t she? She’s fun as well. The two of you get on well. Why don’t you get over your last bad… situation by having a good time with someone who is straight forward and actually gives a shit about you? Because believe me, that is Hannah.”
“Hannah?” I haven’t ever considered that before because I haven’t ever really gotten on with her. I don’t even know if we get on well now. Drunk fun isn’t exactly a real life bond, is it? “I don’t know…”
“She’s good in bed.” He wiggles his eyebrows a me. “Believe me. She is a freak.”
“You have slept with her?” I demand. “Do you like her? Why are you trying to set me up with her?”
“We just fucked a couple of times. No feelings there. Nothing serious. But you two…”
Urgh God, is that how Zoe sees me and her? That we ‘fucked’ a couple of times with no feelings behind it? Because that is really sad. Especially when I always saw it as so much more. There is no chance in hell that me and Hannah are ever going to be a thing, but if I’m going to have to hear Court talk about it for even a moment longer, then I’m going to need a lot more to drink. I don’t even care if it makes me throw up again, I just want to forget. To block it all out until my mind is blank again.
Everything is spinning. The whole building is moving like crazy, making it impossible for me to remain upright. Plus, the loud music and the bright lights aren’t helping. How the hell am I supposed to work out where I am when everything is conspiring against me in such a crazy way?
“Come on, Wesley.” Hannah tugs hard on my hand. “Come and dance with me already.”
I don’t want to dance with her anyway. I’m not a dancer at the best of times, but ever since Court told me that Hannah is after me, I know that I can’t. The dance floor can be a sexy place where people try to kiss one another, and I don’t want to get in a situation where I have to reject Hannah. I have enough problems as it is.
“I need to go outside,” I tell her firmly. “I need to get some fresh air. I feel sick.”
“But you can’t leave me here alone. Court is over there making out with some random girl…”
“If you are jealous, go and stop him.” God, I will try anything by this point.
“I’m not jealous,” she snaps, managing to sound a little jealous. “I don’t care about him. It isn’t him that I like.”
“Oh, but look he’s waving you over,” I lie while pointing in to the crowd. “I think that he needs you. I just need to go outside and get some fresh air and I will be back. I can’t be sick on you.”
The idea of me puking on her like I did that poor girl last night has her pulling away from me. “You come back soon though,” she purrs. “Because I miss you already. But I think you already know that.”
Has that always been a thing? I wonder as I push through the crowds. Has Hannah always wanted me, and I haven’t noticed because I haven’t wanted to? I don’t want to assume that her reasons for taking down Zoe have more to do with her feelings than helping me, but it’s in my mind now and I can’t stop. I really am worried.
“She wouldn’t make this shit up, would she?” I ask myself as I break out in to the refreshing cold night air. “She wouldn’t destroy me and Zoe for her own good? No, no one would ever do that.”
But I can’t be one hundred percent sure, which I seriously hope is because of the booze. I guess there is definitely someone in my life that I can’t trust, but who the hell is it? Is it Zoe or Hannah and Court? My friends or the woman that I assumed I was falling for? Fucking hell, I’m too drunk to figure this out.
“Zoe didn’t deny it,” I remind myself. “She didn’t deny that she was lying. Why not?”
“Are you talking to me?” some drunk girl asks me. “Or you are like some sort of freak?”
I don’t answer her, but I do move away, not wanting to get mixed up in any other conversation tonight. That starts me on my journey home, which I decide to just roll with. It isn’t like I want to go back in to that club anyway. It’s a nightmare in there. I need some space to figure it all out alone.
I didn’t let Zoe deny it; I realize as I move. I just yelled and then stormed off. She had no time.
My yelling sent her home from work. But that might not be because I called her out. Instead it might be because I was an asshole to her. Not just the once, twice. Perhaps, even though it’s scary, I should give her a chance to talk. I should let her explain her side of the story, even if I don’t want to hear it.
“You are drunk,” I complain, speaking aloud to myself again. “This is a drunk idea.”
But that doesn’t stop me from pulling out my cell phone and calling her. It’s stupid and I know that I’m making myself vulnerable by inviting her games in to my life again, but apologizing for being a dick seems like the right thing to do. I guess even if it turns out not to be, at least I will have tried.
But I don’t get to speak to her because the call rings right through to the voice mail. I guess she isn’t speaking to me for which I really can’t blame her. I wouldn’t want to talk to me either. Probably never again.
“So, I was a dick,” I slur into the machine. “And I am sorry about that. I should have… listened. But Hannah… well, Hannah. She likes me so I guess that changes things. At least, I think it does, I don’t know. Because you never said… you never told me either way. So, I don’t really know. But I wasn’t quiet, was I? So, you didn’t get the chance to… to tell me whatever.” Am I even making sense? I have no idea. In my drunken state, I know what I want to say but I don’t know if it’s coming out right. “Sorry, this is all just… I’m talking but not really saying much. I’m not saying what I want to say really. I want to know… I want to know why you did that. Why you picked on me like that. If. I guess that’s a question as well. I don�
�t know, I’m all fucked up about this now.”
I hang up quickly, wishing that I hadn’t bothered. I don’t think that message is going to help things at all. I don’t think anything I have done will. I just keep making it worse at every single turn, everything I do is stupid. I grab my forehead, willing the head ache away, desperately wishing that some answers would replace that pain instead. I don’t know what to do next and that is destroying me.
Chapter 14 - Zoe
“What the hell are you trying to say to me?” I demand at the voice mail message, as if that’s actually going to get me some answers. “It is way too early in the morning for your drunken shit, Wesley.”
Actually, I guess it wasn’t when he left the message just before midnight. But since he’s clearly wasted in it, I can only assume he didn’t really want to call me anyway. It’s only because he’s so damn drunk. It doesn’t really matter what he has to say to me, I shouldn’t even bother to listen to it. But I have to admit that his words have gotten under my skin and I’m kinda messy because of them. It feels like he was trying to communicate something important with me and I don’t know what. Even if he’s been an asshole to me, I want to know what.
“Damn it, you idiot,” I murmur to myself. “Why can’t you just leave me alone already? All of you.”
Everyone has hurt me, and that’s the problem. All of them. Everyone has been gossiping, which is utter bullshit and very upsetting, everyone has been spreading these rumors and making them spin further. No one has done anything to stop them. Not even my best friend at the office. Or the person that I thought was my best friend anyway. But I guess not since she has stabbed me in the back more than all of them by starting this. She has said all sorts about me, the worst things that someone can say about another person, and she’s loved every moment of bringing me down. Hurting me over and over again. She wants me weak and that’s what she’s made me.