by Brenda Ford
Or at least she did anyway. She made me weak yesterday, but I have made the active decision not to feel that way anymore. Let them spread rumors and say whatever they want about me. That doesn’t matter. What does matter is me holding my head up high, getting passed it all, and doing the best job that I can do. The best people always have to face resistance, that’s a big part of life and being successful. I can handle it, I have to.
I should be thankful to Hannah anyway because at least she has shown me what sort of man Wesley is. I might not like what he has done to me, but at least it’s happened now before we’re too much in love and we have our baby. I would rather be let down and disappointed right at this moment than later on. It’s better for everyone.
“You can do this,” I tell my reflection in the mirror. “Look at you. You even look like a boss today. You can.”
I smooth down my pencil skirt and fiddle with the collar on my blouse, trying to ignore the anxiety zig zagging in my stomach. The pep talk is working… just a little bit. But it isn’t quite enough.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
I panic as my phone starts ringing, my initial fear is that it’s going to be Wesley calling me again. My hand actually shakes as I lift it up again. But then I see Jessica’s name and I immediately relax. This is good, what I need. If I can’t drag myself out of this crazy pit of worry, then she will be able to.
“Hey, Jessica,” I answer happily. “How are things with you? It’s been a while.”
“I know, right! Sorry about that, it’s totally my fault. Work has just been crazy.”
I glance at my watch while I listen to more details about celebrities I don’t know, and I note that I have plenty of time for one last coffee before I have to leave. So, as I listen, I pour myself a mug.
“Anyway, what’s going on with you?” she finally asks. “How are you doing? You’ve been a bit down…”
“Er, yes,” I admit. “It’s been a bit of a crazy time to be honest. I just haven’t had a chance to tell you about it.”
“Is it to do with that dick head ex of yours? Because I can come and kick some ass?”
“No, nothing to do with him.” I sigh loudly. “It’s actually more complicated than that.”
“Uh oh. Probably a good job that I’m sitting down then. Tell all because I am seriously worried about you.”
I take a seat myself and sip my coffee while mentally preparing myself to start at the beginning. “Okay, so this all starts a few months ago, just after I was left at the altar.” She makes a pissed off noise, which she really doesn’t need to. I know exactly how she feels about the whole situation. “I… spent the night with a colleague.”
“Spent the night? What the hell do you mean? You can’t mean… well, what I think you do?” My silence must speak volumes. “But I thought that you were waiting for marriage. Wasn’t that your whole thing?”
“Waiting for marriage didn’t exactly work out for me,” I reply wryly. “And it wasn’t exactly planned. I ended up getting drunk and just kinda falling into bed with this guy who I fight with a lot at work.”
“Okay, so this is the one that you were telling me about before, right? This is the hot one.”
I let out a little laugh. “I guess so. Hot but trouble. Well, after that night, we didn’t exactly talk to one another and I thought that was going to be the end of it. But it wasn’t.”
“You slept with him again?” she asks me knowingly. “And now you can’t stop?”
“Kind of, but it’s worse than that.” I suck in a worried breath. As soon as I admit this to Jessica it’s going to become even more real than it already is. But I’m going to have to. “I’m pregnant.”
Nothing. I get nothing back. I don’t know what I was expecting Jessica to do, yell at me maybe, but she’s giving me nothing back. If I couldn’t hear her breathing, I would think that she has hung up on me.
“So, yes… I’m having a baby.” I decide to carry on because otherwise I might not get the rest of the story out. “And it was bad at first, but then he started being nice to me. Treating me well and we ended up sleeping together again… only it didn’t really feel like we were just sleeping together, it was a relationship. I thought that despite our bad start we were going to be together and be a real family. I assumed we would make it work.”
“I am getting red flags all over the shop.” Jessica replies croakily. “What did he do?”
“One of the girls in the office told him that I make up pregnancies all the time. That this is something that I do all the time to get promoted at work.” Shit, I missed that bit out. “Oh, which was made worse because I got picked for a promotion over him even though he is way more qualified for it than me.”
“You must be more deserving. It’s as simple as that. And who the hell is this gossiping bitch?”
“She’s called Hannah, and she’s a bit of a nightmare to be honest. But this is the worst thing she’s done.”
“But your guy didn’t have to believe her,” Jessica argues. “Why would he take her side over yours? That doesn’t make any sense. He must know that you wouldn’t lie about this sort of thing… God, ‘this sort of thing’, I can’t believe I’m saying that about you having a baby. I haven’t skipped over that part.”
“Don’t worry, I know,” I laugh. “It’s just a crazy story. I don’t know why he believes her. It’s awful. It leaves me not really knowing what to do about the whole thing. I want to just get away from him.”
“You should come here!” Jessica gasps with excitement. “I keep telling you to come but you always have an excuse not to. Well, you don’t anymore. You sound like you really need to get out of that place which is the perfect time to come for a vacation here. You can come for a short time or a really long time, I don’t mind.”
I love the idea of escaping, even just for a little while. Getting the hell out of here and all the way to New York where I can regroup and properly decide what I’m going to do. With my actual best friend who I can trust with my whole life. But I can’t turn my back on the job now, just when I have been given it, can I? Plus, Grandma needs me as well. I can’t just abandon her during her hour of need. I would like to run away from all of my problems, but it isn’t possible. There is too much of my life that needs me here.
“I will think about it,” I tell Jessica vaguely. She can read between the lines, she knows that this means no, but it’s my way of letting her down gently. Only because it really isn’t possible at the moment. “Let you know.”
“I hope you do. New York could be good for you, you know. It has really transformed me.”
It has as well. She is a much more confident well rounded person these days. The city has been good for her. But I’m a different person to her. I don’t know if it’s going to work out the same for me. I don’t feel like the sort of person who could flourish in a place where I will become faceless and nameless, just another body in the crowd. Maybe I’m wrong and it would actually be good for me, but I can’t see it.
“Anyway, I need to go in and check in Grandma now. Check that she’s okay because I only called her last night. I didn’t have time to pop in.” Something that I became a bit shit at with Wesley in the picture. But I will make up for it now. Not that I ever neglected her, I just didn’t go twice a day like I did before. Grandma didn’t mind, she was glad for me to get a bit of a life, but now looking back I feel bad about it. “I have to be sure that she took her pills and everything. But I will call you soon and we can chat about it then.”
“Good. Well tell your Grandma hello from me, and make sure she kicks the ass of your useless baby daddy.”
“I will,” I lie since I never bothered to introduce her to Wesley. Perhaps deep down I knew that it was going to end up this way which is why I kept them apart. “Speak soon. Thanks, Jessica.”
As I hang up the phone, I leave my house without even bothering to take another glance in the mirror at myself. Speaking to Jessica has given me the much needed
boost that will get me through the day. Once I have seen Grandma, I will be able to face all of them head on. I want Hannah, Wesley, and the rest of them to see that they can’t take me down anymore, that I am going to fight them back with everything that I have, and that I am going to win. Like Jessica said, I was given the promotion for a reason. It didn’t just happen for nothing. Now I need to prove to everyone that it was the right thing to do.
I will do the job that Andy gave me, and I’ll do it well even under all of this pressure. I will make all of them regret the day that they decided to try and take me down. Because I kick ass… I do. Or I can…
Chapter 15 - Wesley
“What the fuck is going on with you?” Andy yells practically right in my ear. “Wesley, you have barely been here all week. You are hung over to shit again. It really isn’t good enough. Do you need a warning?”
What I need is a damn strong coffee and a sleep, but I don’t think that answer will go down too well. I am far too fragile for an argument at any rate. I just want to be left the hell alone by everyone.
“I’m working,” I croak back. “It isn’t like I am here doing nothing. Give me a break.”
“A break? I am paying you for this shit. Is that supposed to be some sort of joke?”
“No, I…” My eyes fall closed as my head pounds like crazy. “I’m not in the mood for joking.”
“Well, I am not in the mood for your constant slacking off.” Andy tuts and shakes his head. “You know, I have been bracing myself all week long for you to storm into my office to demand to know why you haven’t been hired for the manager position. Why Zoe was promoted over you, but I can only guess from your behavior that you already know why I couldn’t choose you. Because of this shit.”
Okay, now I’m annoyed. “So, I am here, working, and sill getting cursed out, being treated like shit, and the so called amazing manager that you have hired isn’t even here. She hasn’t even been here since you gave her the job. What the fuck is that about? Why isn’t she here being yelled at like I am?”
Andy gives me a look as if I’m the one being stupid here, but as far as I am concerned, I’m right. I don’t get why Zoe is just allowed to not be here and there aren’t any consequences. If I had been the one promoted, then I would be here all the time really proving myself to be worthy. To be honest, this just proves what I already suspected. That Zoe is manipulating everyone. I might have had a moment of doubt while I was wasted last night and there might have been a moment where I left her a drunken voice mail that I can’t remember at all, but now I’m sure. She has all of us duped and we have all been fooled by her. That’s the only explanation.
“You are a fool, Andy,” I tell him as I shake my head. “I have been a fool and now you are too…”
“Me and Zoe are not sleeping together,” he shocks me by biting back. “I don’t know who started this rumor, but I want it to stop right now because it is going to end up affecting my marriage soon enough…”
“I didn’t know that was a rumor.” I shut him down instantly before he tells me anymore. The way that my mind is working at the moment, I will end up believing that him and her have been at it the whole time since everything else was a lie anyway, and that is an image I definitely don’t need in my head. “That wasn’t what I meant.”
“Oh.” His whole face flames, from his head to his toes he goes red which screams guilt to me. Maybe Zoe has been fooling around with everyone stupid enough to fall for her charms. Who the hell knows? “Well, that isn’t the case anyway. This whole place needs to stop with the talking and get on with work. In fact, I might make that a rule because if I don’t, then it will end up a very toxic place to work and no one wants that.”
“Whatever, Andy. I don’t care,” I tell him bitterly. “Please just leave me alone so I can get on with things.”
He snaps back in to the room, almost as if he has only just remembered why he was yelling at me. “Yes, well you better get back to it because I have my eyes on you. I don’t want this to continue.”
I roll my eyes in an overly dramatic fashion. “Fine, whatever. Can you go now?”
As he finally leaves, I find myself wanting to let out a scream of frustration. Yes, this is a bullshit toxic place to work and I am back to wanting to escape it all over again. I don’t know why I let Court and Hannah convince me to stay really because I’m no longer happier. Taking Zoe down and trash talking about her hasn’t helped, so I don’t know what to do. Seeing her and not having her around isn’t easier either. I don’t know what I want.
“What a dick.” Court is next to me, patting me on the back before I can get even a moment of peace to work things out. This friendship has gone from just a work related thing to a bit intense. I need a break from all of it. “I can’t believe he just came at you like that. You held your own though. Everything you said was right.”
“Too true!” Hannah joins in. I give her a look, but she just stares blankly back as if I wasn’t forced to reject her last night. Perhaps Court is wrong, and she doesn’t like me like that, or maybe she just isn’t serious about her feelings. Chances are she doesn’t remember last night at all. Thank goodness. “You called that bitch out, thank God. Someone needs to talk about how she hasn’t bothered to turn up for work since she has taken over Old Bill’s place which only proves that you should be the one ruling the roost. You will be better at it when you get it.”
“Yeah well, Andy doesn’t seem to give a shit about what I say, so it doesn’t matter. I’m not getting anything.”
“He will care,” she promises me smilingly. “I will make sure that he cares. Don’t you worry about that.”
I don’t need him to care. Right now, I don’t need anyone to care. I’m too hung over to even want the stupid job. What I really need is for things to go back to where they were, back when I didn’t know how things were going to turn out with Zoe. I might have been fake, but that time with her was the happiest of my life.
I guess that just proves how pathetic I am that a lie made for such a good time in my existence.
What if it never gets better than that? I ask myself desperately. What if that is it for me?
“I agree, Hannah.” Court nods seriously. “If he doesn’t start listening, then we can take Andy down next.”
As I listen to them, I start to wonder if their help has anything to do with me at all. Maybe they care more about ‘taking people down’ and creating drama in their own lives than helping someone out. I would ask them if I could be bothered to, but right now I can’t be bothered with anything.
I feel like I have been sucked in to things left, right, and center. Zoe has pulled me in to her little game of lies, the web that I can’t seem to escape from no matter what I do. Then to make it harder, Court and Hannah have gotten me dragged in to their weird thing as well. Well, not anymore. I need to pull myself backwards from all of it. I won’t be spending even one more night out in the stupid bars and clubs with them. I’m done with it all.
God, I can’t seem to find a life style that suits me at all. Nothing seems to fit.
Well, that isn’t exactly true, but the life that I enjoyed wasn’t real, so that’s out.
“I’m going to lunch.” I scrape back my chair and I move away from them both. “I’ll be back soon.”
“But it’s only ten thirty,” Hannah calls after me, but I don’t turn back. I chose to ignore her. If she can’t get the hint that this break has nothing to do with food and everything to do with getting away from her, then I don’t know what else to do. I’m not going to bother trying either. I will just leave them to it. Let them carry on and work it out in their own time. For now, I am completely and utterly checked out.
I pass Andy on the way to the canteen and he gives me a pointed look, but thankfully he doesn’t say anything else to me. I wonder if he can see how much pain I am in. If he knows that I have been swept along by everyone. I don’t know if I want him to know that actually because it makes me look childish and pathetic.
No wonder he didn’t hire me for Old Bill’s position. Maybe he was right to do that because I’m not mature enough. I have been telling myself that I could do it with ease, but now I’m not so sure. Perhaps Andy could see that I would fuck it up which is why he over looked me. I have been far too confident, bordering on arrogant, and now that has come back to kick me in the ass, and deservedly so as well. I need to sit back and focus on the job that I do have first while growing up at the same time. If anything can come from this shitty situation, it’s that. If I can learn a lesson, then perhaps it will all be worth it. It might not feel like it right now, but that will come. Hopefully…
Is that her? I wonder as I spot a figure sitting at Zoe’s desk. My heart stops beating as I even consider that it might be her. I shouldn’t be feeling this way when I know the truth about her, but I can’t stop myself. I also notice a giant lump in my throat which wasn’t there before. Oh God, what the hell do I do?
Without making eye contact with anyone, I take a seat at my desk and I try to get on with work, but of course there is still an intense magnetic pull between us that I can’t keep away from. I keep staring at her without even meaning to. I’m just about resisting the urge to head over there and demanding to know if she got my voice mail message or not, and if so, why did she just ignore it? I don’t know what it said, but it’s rude to just avoid me.
Has she been crying? Her tear stained face stops me from going anywhere near her. Why? Because of me? Court and Hannah? The job? Something else entirely…?
I shouldn’t care. Not when she lied to me about having my child, but I do. I guess I can’t help myself. I don’t like seeing her all broken and sad. All I want to do is throw my arms around her and tell her that everything will be okay because I’ll help her… but I won’t. I will just continue to ignore her the way that she has me.
If only I could ignore the pressure that’s surrounding me, the obvious tension now that she’s here, shattering my rationality. When she isn’t here, I can hate her with ease, but when she is and I’m forced to look at her, all of that goes out the window. That isn’t sustainable. One of us will break soon enough. Probably me.