Men in Control: Special pack: The Smith Brothers Series

by Brenda Ford

  I am the only one who lives alone in my apartment. Brad remains in our old home now with his own ever growing brood, and we are all welcome there at any time, but it isn’t mine anymore.

  Normally, I am okay with the single life that I have chosen for myself. It feels right for me. I don’t need the complication of letting anyone else in after what I went through in the past, but watching my brothers coo over another ultra sound picture, it makes me want more. It makes me want what I never had.

  I never told anyone what happened with me and Zoe, I never mentioned that I once almost had a child, so now I think that they just assume I don’t want children. At least not yet. Maybe they are right, perhaps…I don’t know. After all, I don’t exactly have good memories when it comes to pregnancies now, do I?

  “So, this will be number three and four for me,” Brad laughs. “Since we’re having twins. And you have three, Angelo. Alex and Oliver both have two children each. Nelson and Amelia just have a bunch of dogs which keeps them happy, but what about you, Wesley? I know we are always going on about this, but when are you going to settle down? You can’t screw about forever. It won’t keep you happy, will it? Eventually, you will want something permanent. Someone to keep you warm every single night. Love rather than sex.”

  They still have the impression that I still find a different random woman every night, but that isn’t me either. I gave that up a very long time ago. But better for them to think that than to know how lonely I am. I don’t want them to think about me sad and alone. It will give them the wrong impression, because really, I am all good.

  “I’m still young.” I shrug my shoulders. “Why would I want to settle? You can’t comment on that, Brad, because you were a decade older than me when you finally found someone…”

  “Maybe so, but that’s because I was always raising you guys. After our parents died, I was basically the parent for you all, so I had too many responsibilities to be thinking about myself.”

  “Yeah, and now you have given yourself a million kids,” I chuckle. “You must like the dad role. And okay, so maybe I’m not embroiled in responsibilities, but I saw how much drama it took for you guys to be happy. Don’t forget, I helped a lot of you on your way.” I wiggle my eyebrows to remind them. “I used my tech skills, didn’t I? So, I know firsthand how messy it can all be, I just don’t want that yet.”

  God, what a lie. When me and Zoe were good, I would have given up everything for her. I never would have even considered it an issue to give up my freedom or to go through dramas… but she wasn’t the right one. She can’t have been, or we would have spent the last five years in blissful contentment.

  “Oh, you will,” Angelo reassures me. “Believe me. You will. One day, someone will come along…”

  “No one is coming for me, and I’m good with that,” I snap back.

  “Woah, you’re saying that like it’s already happened, but it didn’t work out. Did it, Wesley? I know that you are a bit of a dark horse, but have you kept all of that from us? Have you already had love?”

  I part my lips, about to snap back my typical response that I don’t believe in love, but I can’t say that to my very loved up family, so I shrug instead. Hopefully they will see that this isn’t something I want to discuss.

  “Well, who is she?” Brad jumps in, ignoring every social cue, all of my body language. “Huh?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about. So, tell me about the twins. Are they non identical boys like Angelo and Alex or don’t you know yet…?” But he isn’t about to let me distract him like that. Funny how all he wanted to talk about was his children a moment ago. But now I have accidently said something more interesting.

  “Come on. Tell us and we can help you. What are families for?”

  “I definitely don’t need your help, thank you very much. Not that there is anything to help with.”

  She’s gone and not coming back, and she isn’t who I thought that she was anyway. Any residual feelings that I still have for Zoe are purely for the person that I thought she was, not who she really is.

  Chapter 20 - Zoe

  It all started with Father’s Day. Just an innocent celebration in kindergarten which has turned my life upside down. As all the children in class went around talking about what their father’s do for a living, Maddie got caught out. She told the class with great delight that she doesn’t have a daddy, which made all the other children laugh. Not only did they laugh, but they mocked her all day with some of the older kids calling her the test tube baby.

  I went to the school and complained. I let them really have it, because as far as I am concerned, we don’t live in the world where the nuclear family is seen as the norm anymore. There are plenty of family sets ups, no one has it the same way, which is completely fine because there is no particular way for a family to have to be. As long as everyone is happy, that’s all that really matters, and I yelled at everyone who would listen.

  I think that the policy might have been changed, I don’t really know, but it hasn’t altered anything for my little girl. Now, Maddie is worried. She has no idea who she really is, why she doesn’t seem to have a father, and she’s scared of being weird. I want her to know that it’s okay to be different no matter what happens, but that is a massive concept for a four-year-old to understand. All she really gets is that she is being picked on because her life isn’t the same as the others and that hurts her. There is a hole inside of her that needs filling.

  She has asked me about her father ever since. Non-stop actually. It’s been pretty hard to deal with. I have spent the last five years constantly looking forwards, never seeing behind me because I don’t want to think about the past again. I left it back before I got on the plane and that’s where I want it to remain at all times. That includes Wesley. I have kept the same cell phone number for the last five years, just like I always knew I would, and he hasn’t been in touch even once. Even to check how I am. As far as I am concerned, he doesn’t deserve to get to know Maddie. She is way too good for him in every single way. But this isn’t about what he deserves.

  Maddie wants to know her father and she has a right to. She can make her own decision about him after spending some time in his presence. If she wants him in her life permanently, we will have to figure it out, but if she sees him for who he really is and she doesn’t want to know, then at least I tried. She can’t resent me because I gave it a go for her, and she is the one who cut him out for good. Which is what I hope she does.

  And if we get there and he rejects her… well I will kick his ass and so will Jessica. My best friend didn’t want me and Maddie to come here, she has been trying to persuade me against it ever since I bought the tickets because she is so afraid of me and Maddie being hurt all over again, but I know this is what I need to do.

  Woah. The air feels weird as I step off the plane. Immediately the weight that I left behind is back on me. It seems that I didn’t shed it completely, I just left it here to wait for me. I’m back five years ago, scared, alone, and pregnant, trying to convince myself that everything was going to be okay. This is hard…

  The thing is I was right. The last few years have been good, New York has been surprisingly good for me. I thought that I would vanish in the crowd and lose myself along the way, but Jessica was right. I found myself. Okay, so not quite like her. I haven’t found myself at celebrity parties, even dating a famous basketball player, and living a glamorous life. I work in an office on the technology side and I bring up Maddie in a much quieter existence, but still I feel like I have found my feet. At twenty seven years old, I am finally who I was always supposed to be. Or at least I was until I came back here. Now, I’m a mess all over again.

  “Are you okay, Mommy?” Maddie asks me curiously. “You look all weird.”

  Shit, I can’t let her see how much I’m struggling with this. I need to keep up the illusion that everything is okay. I have done well so far, I haven’t let her see any of my emotions when it comes to Wesl
ey Smith, but it’s much easier to distance myself when I’m away in another state. Now, I feel everything all at once.

  What if he’s married? I suddenly realize. What if he has more children? Another life.

  It’s possible, isn’t it? I don’t know why I haven’t considered that before. Just because I have been living the life of a nun, it doesn’t mean that he has too. He hasn’t had our child to keep him distracted. Any nerves that I was feeling before have intensified and now I don’t know how to keep myself standing. I’m a mess.

  “Er, yes, I’m fine, Maddie,” I lie. “I’m just looking for where we pick up our bags.”

  She tugs on my arm and drags me towards the baggage claim where everyone else is walking. But as we go, I become a paranoid mess, glancing around at everyone to see if I recognize them at all. I fear who else I might bump into, not just Wesley. Andy, who I ignored after I blew off the job despite the number of times that he tried to get hold of me. Hannah, who I screamed at like a nutter before I left. Sure, she did some shitty things herself, in fact she was a massive asshole, but I could have dealt with it better too. Seeing her now would be very embarrassing. I can only hope that she got her dream and found a rich husband to leave town with. She didn’t want to stay working at the office forever, she was only doing it until something better came along, so fingers crossed the last five years have done that for her because I really don’t want this trip to be a mistake.

  “Are we going to your house here?” Maddie asks me while the suit cases spin around on the conveyor belt in front of my eyes. “You used to live here, didn’t you? With Great Grandma.”

  Urgh, another gut punch. I so wish that Grandma could have met Maddie. She would absolutely love this little sassy kick ass girl. They are so similar; they would get on like a house on fire. I get that sass gene just skipped me. I mean, I feel much stronger these days now that I have found myself, but I have spent most of my life blending, hiding away, balancing on the edge of things, scared to really be.

  “No, I don’t have a house here. We’re going to stay at a hotel. Won’t that be fun?”

  “Will my daddy be at the hotel?” she demands. “Is he excited to meet me?”

  Emotion balls up in my throat, I don’t know how to answer that. How do I even tell her that he doesn’t know we are coming? I can’t, so much as I hate to, I’m going to have to lie to her again. I really don’t like giving Maddie and untruths, but if it is to protect her, I will say whatever I need to.

  “Daddy will be working at first,” I say in a hushed tone. “So, we will get settled in first.”

  Thankfully she nods and accepts this but as I look at her, the perfect blend between me and Wesley looks wise, my heart bleeds for her. She is so sweet, such a lovely kid, she doesn’t deserve to be rejected by anyone. The memories that I have of Wesley are mostly bad ones, him being a shit to me, but there must be good sides to him, or I wouldn’t have fallen for him at all. It just wouldn’t have happened. He has to have a heart in there somewhere. I just hope that he can extend it wide enough to let Maddie in.

  “I can show you the town first anyway,” I tell her much too brightly. “Show you where I grew up.”

  “I might like it.” She nods and smiles. “I might want to stay here.”

  Oh God, now that I don’t want to happen. I promised myself that I wouldn’t even set foot back here again, never mind come to live. Now that I know what it’s like to exist without the weight of this pain resting on my shoulders, I don’t want to go back to it. No way. I will need to go back to New York at some point.

  “Mommy, did you turn your phone on yet? Because I think that it’s ringing?”

  As I scramble through my bag to get it out, I half expect this to be Wesley, finally calling me after all of these years. As if he somehow knows that I’m back and he is ready to torment me again. But it isn’t.

  “Oh, hey, Jessica,” I answer with a smile. “We just landed. I’m still waiting on the suit cases.”

  “So, you are okay? Sorry, I know that I’m being a freak, but I’m so worried about you being back there. I can’t stop panicking that everything is all going to go wrong once you see him again…”

  “You know that this isn’t for me. I will be absolutely fine. He isn’t going to bother me.”

  “I would love to believe you, but I don’t know if I can.”

  I don’t know if I can either. Not now. I don’t know if I will be able to see Wesley without feeling pain because no one has hurt me like he has. No one has done anything to make me feel the way that he did. But I won’t be strong for myself. I’ll be strong for Maddie because she is all that matters here.

  “I will be fine. Honestly. I promise you.” Finally, I see my suit case and I grab it off the conveyor belt. “I will keep you up to date with everything that is going on. I promise. I won’t be here for long anyway. Just long enough to keep Maddie happy and then we will be back. Back to real life.”

  “But you didn’t book a ticket back, did you?” she whines. “And you told your job you aren’t exactly sure when you’re back as well. That’s what worries me. What if you don’t come back?”

  “You think that I’m going to be fooled by him again?” I reply scathingly. “And that I’m going to stay? No way. There isn’t a chance that Wesley Smith will ever fool me. This is just… you know, for me to do the right thing. For Maddie’s sake. I have already explained to you why this needs to be done.”

  “I get it, I do,” Jessica shoots back. “But until you’re back in New York, I will be worried.”

  “Well, it’s nice to know that I always have a good friend in you, but I will be fine. I need to go now though so me and Maddie can get a cab. It’s time for us to get started on this… well, this journey.”

  I smile at Maddie and she grins back at me. I just hope that we are both still smiling at the end of this.

  Chapter 21 - Wesley

  “You headed out for lunch again today?” Wesley asks as he spots me grabbing my wallet. “Only, because it’s Friday and we’ve had a really great time recently, like I said to you on Wednesday, I brought some donuts.”

  “Donuts?” I ask with a cocked eyebrow. “Andy, please. I like sugary treats as much as the next person, but donuts aren’t enough to make me want to have lunch here. I’m going out to get something to eat.”

  Andy nods sadly. “It’s a shame. You always used to eat here with the rest of before the promotion.”

  What he doesn’t say, or what he doesn’t notice, I’m not quite sure, is that I haven’t eaten in the office since Zoe left. I just got all bitter about the place and the people within it. I don’t want to spend any more time than is absolutely necessary among those people who caused so much trouble for me. I will be around them when I have to work, but any more than that is just too much for me. I do not need the drama.

  “Well, maybe that’s why we’re doing so well, Andy. Because I don’t mix with the staff who work for me. I don’t want them all to be my friend.” I shoot him a pointed look. “So, yes, that’s why I go out.”

  He looks at the bagged lunch in his hands a little miserably before he meets my eyes again. “Maybe I should come out with you. You’re right. I shouldn’t be eating with the people who work for me.”

  “But I work for you,” I remind him, not wanting him to come with me. “So, that negates the point.”

  “What, then I should just eat alone? That’s a bit shit, isn’t it? I don’t want to be by myself.”

  “It’s lonely at the top, Andy. I can’t believe you haven’t worked that much out by now.”

  I can tell that he wants to say more to me, but I’m really not in the mood for any more conversation. I don’t have anything else to say to a damn person in this place. I need this me time. I need to be alone. Unlike Andy who seems to relish the attention of others, I am quite happy to be with just me.

  This is the shit that I don’t want to tell my brothers because they wouldn’t understand it. They don’t get that
growing up around five brothers and constant noise, aside from the few months after our parent’s death, has made me want peace and quiet. It might have had the opposite effect on them, but I’m different.

  “Anyway, I’m off.” I give Andy a wide smile. “I will see you when I get back.”

  I move quickly before he can force himself upon me and I head for the front doors. Only just as I’m about to make my escape, something halts me, and I freeze. For a second it’s like I’m captured in here, trapped behind bars, unable to escape however much I want to. This has to be a nightmare, some kind of hell, I don’t get it. All I know for sure is that I can’t actually be seeing what I think I am, because that’s impossible…

  Zoe Portwood. I would recognize that blonde wavy hair anywhere. Even if it is a bit longer than it was before. And that style. Harem pants as a part of her uniform, and a tight fitted top showing off her curves. She looks good. Even better than she did five years ago, if that’s even possible. Just seeing her does things to me. It twists up my stomach and makes my heart ache. I want to reach out and touch her, just to check that she’s real, but I’m also afraid to because the feel of her might shatter me. I might be left with nothing but dust at the end. She left me that way half a decade ago, and I know that she’s capable of doing the same. But when it comes to Zoe, it’s very difficult to let my rational side win out. My emotions always get the better of me.

  What the hell is she doing here? My brain screams at me. Why is she back? And why do I feel this way about her knowing what I know? She isn’t a good person; I should be more than over her by now.

  Just because the good times flood my mind; the kissing, the laughter, the fun that we shared, that intense feeling of love which I didn’t think would ever go anywhere… doesn’t mean that there weren’t bad times as well. I can’t forget that she tricked me and stole the job right from underneath my nose, that she lied to me and made me fall for her, made me think that we were going to have a family, just to beat me. Just to win out and climb above me. Of course, it didn’t work out and she ended up leaving, but she still did it. She still tried.