Anything for Danny

by Carla Cassidy

  She moved over to sit on one of the benches a short distance from the landing pad. Funny, she and Luke had never discussed Danny's illness. Over the past year, since his diagnosis, she had learned to cope, learned to accept whatever the future held, and for the first time, she wondered how Luke was coping.

  Luke had been out of the country on assignment when she had first gotten Danny's diagnosis. She hadn't wanted to tell him over the phone, but he hadn't been due back home for another three weeks and she knew she had to tell him. It was the most difficult phone conversation she'd ever had. She'd told him about Danny's illness, her words greeted by a horrible, heavy silence. She'd felt his horror, his grief over the line, but after that moment, although Luke spoke to Danny's doctors, they hadn't really talked about Danny's sickness again.

  She somehow sensed that Luke was in a different stage of the grieving process than she was, and she ached for him, knowing the most difficult part…the final-acceptance part was yet to come. She ached with the knowledge that he would have to go through it alone…just as she had done.

  Leaning her head back, she raised her face to the sun, trying to sort out her confusing feelings toward Luke. She'd begun this trip with a clear picture of her ex-husband, a picture blurred with unpleasant memories and tainted with the bad taste of failure.

  Yet, in the days since, the unpleasant memories were slowly fading, being replaced by new memories of her and Luke and Danny together. They were memories she knew would sustain her through whatever the future held.

  She couldn't deny that there was a part of her that still desired Luke. When he touched her, even inadvertently or casually, her blood thickened and her heartbeat quickened.

  Nostalgia, she told herself firmly. Surely that was all it was. Nostalgia was a strong aphrodisiac, one that created a powerful tug on her heartstrings. Surely it was only the pull of yesterday's memories that kept playing havoc with her emotions where Luke was concerned.

  Her mind was merely playing tricks on her…sending her false visions of what might have been…what could have been had they not given up, quit on their marriage. She'd be a fool to allow herself to start believing the fantasies, in the what ifs.

  It would have been easy to fall into the fanciful yarn he'd spun the night before…easy to get caught up in the spell of what might have happened on their tenth wedding anniversary. But she knew her version was much closer to the truth than his had been. If the past had the power to foretell the future, she had been right in her assessment of what would have happened. She sighed, realizing her introspection was merely intensifying her confusion rather than bringing about clarity. That's the way it had always been with Luke. There was something about him that muddied her thoughts, heightened her senses, made her crazy.

  She pushed thoughts of Luke aside and instead focused her thoughts on Danny, and his excitement as he flew over the massive canyon. He was finally getting one of his wishes, he was really flying.

  Danny. She had to think about her son. She had to remember that this trip had nothing to do with her and Luke. They were here, together, solely for Danny's sake. And she'd do well to remember that. She leaned forward, eagerly anticipating their return.

  * * *

  "Mom, you should have seen it," Danny exclaimed the moment he danced off the helicopter and ran to Sherri's side. "It was so totally awesome…and we were like a big bird flying over it all." He opened his arms, as if to embrace the entire canyon. "At first my tummy tickled, but then I got used to the helicopter and it was fantastic." His little face was flushed with his excitement and his eyes radiated a reverent awe. "Dad said it took about two billion years to form the canyon. Two billion years!"

  Sherri looked at Luke, who had the same sort of reverence coloring his eyes. Never had father and son looked more alike than at that moment. "Are you sure you don't want to go?" Luke asked her. "It's really a sight to see." He gestured to the helicopter waiting for the next passenger to brave a flight.

  Sherri laughed. "No thanks. I'm adventurous, but I draw the line at flying in a helicopter over one of the biggest ditches in the world."

  "Ditch? You're irreverent." Luke laughed. "You don't know what you missed," he continued with a grin. "The pilot certainly gave us our money's worth. He flew us not just over the canyon but down into it."

  "Heart failure…that's the only thing I missed," Sherri exclaimed.

  "As we were landing, I saw an observation ledge that looked like it wasn't too far from here. We could get a good view from there. Are you game for a little walk?"

  "I am, I am," Danny said, jumping up and down with enthusiasm.

  "Sure, why not?" Sherri agreed.

  Together the three of them took off hiking in the direction Luke indicated. As they walked, Danny chattered about what he had seen as they'd flown. He talked of the colors, the reds, the purples, the blues of the canyon walls. He described in detail each and every one of the gorges they'd passed over.

  "Dad took pictures of everything. Boy, I can't wait to see them!" he said excitedly.

  Sherri smiled, locking the vision of his happiness deep in her heart, knowing there would come a time when it was those visions of joy that saved her very sanity.

  She gazed over at Luke, saw the covetous expression on his face as he looked at his son, and knew he, too, was capturing Danny's expression for some distant future.

  She thought again of Karen's words from the night before. "Hang onto that handsome husband of yours," she had counseled, adding that it was that love that would see them through anything. Of course, Karen hadn't known that Luke and Sherri weren't married. She hadn't realized that they had divorced and that ultimately they would grieve separately…alone.

  Shoving these painful thoughts aside, Sherri directed her attention back to her son, who raced ahead of them as the observation platform came into view. "He'll sleep well tonight," she observed to Luke.

  Luke smiled. "He seems to sleep well every night."

  Sherri laughed. "I think he takes after his father on that score. It used to make me mad, the way you could instantly fall asleep the minute your head touched the pillow no matter what had gone on in the evening."

  Luke's eyes crinkled at the corners as his grin widened. "You mean, those dreams I used to have of being beaten were actually prompted by you hitting me over the head with a pillow because I was able to sleep and you weren't?"

  His smile reached inside her and coiled around her heart. He had such a beautiful smile. "I confess," she replied, and for a moment she wanted to reach out and take his hand in hers. She wanted to feel the warm clasp of his hand surrounding hers as potently as the warmth of their shared laughter surrounded her heart. She balled her hand into a fist at her side.

  "Mom…Dad…hurry up and see this!" Danny yelled from the platform, effectively breaking the dangerous trend of Sherri's thoughts.

  She and Luke picked up their pace, hurrying toward where Danny awaited them. Sherri stepped up on the platform and her breath caught in her chest as she viewed the splendor before her.

  The platform hung over the edge of the canyon, giving the illusion of being suspended in midair. All around were the deeply etched walls, the layered colors, the overwhelming magnificence of the canyon.

  "It's absolutely breathtaking," Sherri finally said, knowing her face mirrored the awed expressions on Luke's and Danny's faces. She pulled up her coat collar against the stiff wind that wafted up from the canyon.

  "Isn't it?" Luke agreed. "It kind of makes you feel small and insignificant, doesn't it?"

  She nodded, knowing exactly what he was talking about. Staring at the beauty wrought by nature over millions of years, it was easy to realize that man's presence on earth was indeed insignificant…like a mere speck of dust in a cavernous room. Danny's illness, her confusion about Luke, all the problems of living, both large and small, seemed to fade in importance as she gazed over God's architecture in the natural sculpture.

  "Hey, look," Danny said, pointing to an out
cropping of rocks in the distance. "Don't those look like an old man?"

  "Nah, it looks like a naked lady to me," Luke said, laughing as both Sherri and Danny elbowed him in the ribs.

  "Over there, I see an elephant," Sherri said, pointing across the canyon.

  "Where? I don't see it!" Danny exclaimed, squinting in the direction where Sherri had indicated.

  Sherri pointed again, smiling as the men tried to see what she saw so clearly. It was like watching clouds, finding shapes in their cotton-ball whiteness. The canyon with its rugged crevices let their imagination soar.

  "Look, Danny." Luke pointed up in the distance where an eagle soared, his massive wings outstretched against the brilliant blue of the sky. Sherri caught her breath at the majestic sight.

  Danny watched wordlessly for a moment, then sighed as the eagle winged its way out of sight. "When I die, I won't need a helicopter to fly over all this," he said softly. "I'll use my angel wings."

  Sherri's heart convulsed in her chest at her son's words and for a moment she grappled for a reply. As no appropriate words came, she looked at Luke but realized that he, too, didn't know what to say or how to answer.

  "It's okay," Danny said, smiling at them both as if he understood their silence. He looked at them with a wisdom far beyond his years, as if his illness had granted him knowledge others still sought. He grabbed first Sherri's hand, then Luke's and squeezed them tightly. "I'm not scared, you know. I mean about dying. I know I'm goin' to heaven and I know I'll be able to fly." He tilted his head, his smile fading. "It will be the baddest for you guys. I'll be all right but you're gonna have to help each other." He took Sherri's hand and linked it with Luke's. For a long moment, he stared at them both, his expression suddenly wistful. "I just wish…" He broke off in frustration. "I wish," he began again. "Ah, never mind." He kicked at the dirt, then stepped away from them and off the platform. "I'm gonna walk back to that water fountain we passed."

  Sherri started to follow him, but Luke stopped her. "Let him go. He'll be fine."

  She hesitated, then nodded, knowing Luke was right. She leaned against the iron railing, once again gazing out at the natural beauty, but her thoughts were on their son. She knew what he wanted, what it was he'd been unable to say. "You know what it was he was wishing for," she said softly, not looking at Luke.

  He moved so that he was standing next to her, his shoulder softly brushing hers. "Yes, I know. He wishes we'd get back together, that the three of us would be a family again." Luke sighed, a heavy sigh that seemed to echo off the distant canyon wall opposite them. "I'd do almost anything in the world for that kid, and I know you would, too." He hesitated a moment and stared off into space. "But there are some things we can't do…not even for Danny's sake. And we'd be fools to get together again just to make him happy."

  "I know that," Sherri retorted, finding herself irrationally irritated. The wind suddenly seemed colder, more brutal. "I wasn't suggesting that we actually do it…as if I would want to get back together with you. No thank you. Once was quite enough." She stepped away from him. "I think I'll go get a drink of water, too." Without a backward glance, she stomped away.

  Luke watched her go, appreciating the wiggle of her derriere in her tight jeans, the sway of her hair across the top of her shoulders.

  She needn't have sounded so damned adamant about their not getting back together, he thought irritably. She'd acted as though the very idea had filled her with revulsion.

  And why not? a small voice niggled. He hadn't been the easiest person in the world to live with. He frowned, thinking of the many times he'd been thoughtless, popping in with dinner guests at the last minute, forgetting plans they had made. He'd zipped in and out of the house as if it was a hotel and she a convenience provided for the guests. His work had been all-encompassing, his top priority, and it hadn't been until after their divorce that he'd realized his life was empty. He'd tried to fill the emptiness with his traveling, but even that hadn't been able to fill the void. He missed having somebody waiting at home for him. He missed seeing Danny first thing in the morning and kissing him good-night each evening. But the answer wasn't Sherri.

  He leaned against the railing and watched as the eagle reappeared, gliding as if suspended by invisible strings. How long before Danny flew away on angel wings? How long before the disease took him away from them forever?

  He consciously shoved this thought out of his mind. Danny would get better. Somehow, some way, Danny would be just fine. They had plenty of time with him. Luke had to keep clinging to that thought, otherwise he would truly lose his mind.

  He looked over to where Sherri and Danny stood by the stone water fountain. Even the harsh sunshine couldn't detract from Sherri's prettiness. The brown-and-white-striped heavy sweater she wore made her eyes a rich coffee color and the sun picked up the blond streaks in her hair and made them shine brightly. If anything, she'd only gotten lovelier with the passing five years. The girlish beauty he'd fallen so hard for had matured into something even more splendid.

  He'd missed her. The shock of this swept through him, leaving him momentarily breathless. He missed her crankiness when she didn't get enough sleep. He missed her cheerful good morning smile when she'd gotten plenty of sleep. He'd spent the last five years of his life pushing all thoughts of her away. Now he embraced them, let them roll through him with their nostalgic bittersweetness. But it wasn't all nostalgia. It wasn't just thoughts of yesteryear with Sherri that filled him with warmth. It was also being with her now.

  He frowned as he remembered that kiss they had shared. She still had the ability to make desire sweep through him like the floodwaters of a burst dam.

  It would be easy to give in to Danny's wish, remarry Sherri solely for the boy's happiness. But Luke was a realist, and he knew in the end, it would merely complicate things.

  He still cared about Sherri and it would be easy to allow their wish for Danny's happiness and their expectation of the grief to come to force them into making a foolish mistake.

  He and Sherri had believed in forever-after once, and that belief had caused them both an enormous amount of anguish.

  They hadn't been enough for each other before. There was absolutely no reason for him to think that anything had changed. They would make the same mistakes, feel the same emptiness, and the thought of going through it all over again scared the hell out of him.

  Yes, he would do anything in the world to make Danny happy…anything except get involved with Sherri again. That was the one thing he couldn't do…not even for Danny's sake.

  Chapter Seven

  "Are we ready to head back?" Luke asked as he approached Sherri and Danny where they were sitting near the stone water fountain.

  Sherri nodded and stood up, brushing the seat of her jeans with one hand. Gone was the anger that had made her stomp away from him moments before, instead her forehead wore a wrinkle of concern. "Maybe you could piggyback Danny? He's feeling rather tired."

  Luke looked at his son, saw the flushed cheeks, the overbrightness of his eyes and frowned worriedly. "You okay, partner?" he asked, leaning down next to Danny.

  Danny nodded. "I'm just tired." He smiled crookedly. "And my tummy tickles a little bit. Maybe I just got too excited with everything."

  "Well, come on, partner, your dad has a strong back." Luke hefted Danny up on his shoulders.

  As they started back, Luke realized the sun had risen high overhead and shone down with gentle warmth, but a wind had picked up, a wind sharp and cold that was near-breathtaking. He hoped the cold wouldn't be too much for Danny. He'd already been fighting a runny nose, and Luke knew his immune system wasn't exactly functioning at a high peak.

  Danny's hands rested atop Luke's hair…small hands that held a wealth of trust and love. A shaft of guilt pierced through him and he hugged his son's legs closer against his shoulders.

  He'd spent so much of Danny's infancy and childhood traveling the world. He'd missed some of the best times with his son…times
that would never come again…times he could never get back. He ached with regret, wishing he could call back those years, those monumental moments of childhood.

  Danny had said his first words when Luke had been in Africa. He'd taken his first step when Luke had been in the Middle East. Luke had a wall full of photography awards…and years of missed moments and a deep regret that filled him with emptiness.

  He tightened his grip on Danny's legs, silently vowing that from this day forward he would spend every moment possible with his son. He owed it to Danny and he owed it to himself.

  He looked over at Sherri, who walked slightly ahead of them. She appeared preoccupied, her forehead wrinkled in thought. The brilliant sun caressed the pale highlights of her hair and the cold wind and exertion of their walk had brought an attractive flush of color to her cheeks. He was again surprised to realize she was still one of the prettiest women he'd ever known.

  When they'd first met, it had taken him about ten minutes to fall head over heels for her. It had been a curious experience for him. He'd managed to get to the ripe age of twenty-one without his heart being touched in any way by a woman.

  But something about Sherri had tripped him up and he'd fallen hard for her. Not only had she attracted him physically, but she'd had a kind of sweet vulnerability that he'd been drawn to. He'd wanted to cherish her and protect her. Immediately following their marriage, things had been wonderful between them, and Sherri's pregnancy had only heightened their happiness.

  So, what had happened? He frowned in thought. How had things gotten so screwed up between them? The first things that had attracted her to him became the things he wanted to run from. Somehow, love had turned to bitterness and bitterness to disillusionment.

  Would things have been different had he chosen another career? Worked a nine-to-five job? It was a question that would never be answered.