Worst Valentine's Day Ever: A Lonely Hearts Romance Anthology

by Kilby Blades

  Both Hendrix and Clapton shot their hands up, and Orrie tried not to panic. A hug?

  “Babe? Are you going to be okay?” Dalton whispered.

  Orrie nodded, unable to speak around the dryness in his mouth. Dalton had rescued Orrie in the bathroom one morning when Orrie had disturbed a spider in the bottom cabinet. The brown wolf spider had popped out and Orrie had hopped on top of the counter, naked and afraid.

  Orrie had known Dalton was the man he’d spend his life with when the gentle ginger had rescued the spider, carried it outside, then come back and helped Orrie down without laughing once.

  “Phobias may be an irrational fear of something,” he’d said. “But the fear itself is real. I’m sorry, babe. If you want me to call the exterminators to make sure we don’t find any more—”

  Orrie’d cut him off with a kiss, thanked him profusely, and then showed his appreciation the rest of the morning. That memory was almost enough to get Orrie through the next few minutes.

  Tasha brought the hairy arachnid around the circle and instructed the kids to hold their hands out flat.

  “Tallulah will give you a little hug with her front legs. Are you ready?”

  Orrie tried to breathe normally while Tasha brought the creature closer.

  Hendrix looked over his shoulder at Orrie and frowned. “What’s wrong, Uncle Orrie?”

  “Nothing, baby. Go ahead. Hug the little spider.”

  Sweat ran down the side of Orrie’s cheek despite the chill in the room.

  “Unkie Oh-wee why you face red?”

  “Um…”

  “Now just hold really still, and Tallulah will—”

  Hendrix yanked his hand back and held it close to his chest. “Uncle Orrie?”

  “It’s okay,” he said, not meaning a damn word. The proximity of the spider had him nearly hyperventilating.

  “Maybe you could place your hand under his to keep him steady,” Tasha said to Dalton, raising her eyebrow knowingly at Orrie.

  Dalton smiled at him—and just like that, Orrie was back in the bathroom, and Dalton was saving his life.

  “Here, Hendrix. Put your hand out and I’ll help you, okay?”

  Hendrix gave Orrie one last fearful glance before placing his trusting hand in Dalton’s.

  “There we go, now just hold still.”

  Orrie held his breath as the delicate demon crept closer to his sister’s oldest child as though she were tasting her next meal. Hendrix sucked in a breath, and Orrie gave him what he hoped was a reassuring squeeze.

  “Ow, Uncle Orrie, that’s too tight.”

  “Sorry.”

  The tarantula held its front two legs in the air for a moment before gently tapping the tips of Hendrix’s fingers. He gasped, and then a huge a smile lit up his face. Orrie was so proud of him. He wished he could be so brave—

  “Me turn!”

  Clapton stuck his hand out next to Hendrix’s a little too quickly for Tallulah’s liking. She scurried back onto Tasha’s hand and curled her legs in.

  “We need to move very slowly around the animals, remember?”

  Clapton nodded, wide-eyed and repentant. “I sowee Tawuwah.” He reached his hand out so slowly it was comical and placed it in front of Tasha. “Pweeze?”

  There really was no resisting his cherubic face. Orrie knew he was going to be harder to resist than his brother. His sister Olive was going to have her hands full for sure.

  Tasha held Tallulah out once more and Clapton focused all of his three-year-old energy on being still. Dalton and Orrie made eye contact, and that kept Orrie from losing it in the presence of the furry fiend.

  She truly was a beautiful creature. Up this close, Orrie could appreciate how delicate each of her legs was and the graceful way the spider moved. Tallulah uncurled and crept forward, her beady little eyes focused on Clapton’s chubby fingers. She moved slowly, letting one leg dangle in the air for several seconds before taking two steps onto Clapton’s fingers.

  Clapton’s mouth opened in a silent O and he sucked in a breath. And then he smiled.

  “She’s pwetty,” he said and smiled up at his uncle.

  “Very good,” Tasha said, and she quickly scooped the tarantula back into her hands before the boys freaked out again. “Does anyone have any questions about Tallulah before I put her back in her den?”

  Hendrix’s hand shot up and Orrie squirmed, wondering what the precocious child would say this time.

  “If you keep Tallulah in a cage, how is she going to find her true love?”

  Orrie sighed. He recalled Olive mentioning that he seemed overly fixated on people finding their true love these days. She’d had to gently advise him that he didn’t have to find his true love in Kindergarten, that he had plenty of time, but he was convinced everyone had a true love and they needed to find it right away. He wondered if he and Dalton getting engaged had anything to do with it.

  “Well, Hendrix, we’re not sure she could survive on her own. That’s why we keep her here at Sulphur Creek.”

  “But can’t you find her a true love?”

  Tasha smiled at Orrie and Dalton like this was the most adorable thing ever.

  “I don’t think someone else can find your true love for you. Even tarantulas need to have a choice. It might not work out too well if we put a male in with Tallulah.” Tasha’s smile dropped, and she snapped her mouth closed as though she’d almost spoken out of turn.

  “How come?” The ever-persistent Hendrix continued questioning her.

  “They just might not get along and that’s not safe. Now, for our last visit tonight, we’re going to meet a mated pair who have found their true love. Does that sound good, Hendrix?”

  He nodded vigorously, his curls bouncing into his eyes.

  “Alright then, everyone follow me outside. You might want to put your coats on; it’s a little chilly.”

  The kids all jumped up and dashed for the doors while parents scrambled to catch up to them. Clapton and Hendrix were at the back, so Orrie figured he had a moment.

  “Can I give my best guy a hug?”

  Dalton turned to embrace him and sighed happily. “It’s so good to see you,” he whispered.

  Orrie inhaled Dalton’s cologne and his mouth watered. He hoped this program was over quick or he was going to explode.

  “Are the boys spending the night?” Orrie asked.

  Dalton pulled back and his expression was regretful. “Yeah, I told Olive I’d keep them since it looked like you wouldn’t make it. I feel bad; you came all this way.”

  “Babe, you taking the boys is awesome. I’m grateful you did. Me and my needs can wait. I’ll just reschedule the getaway I had planned.”

  Dalton sucked in a breath. “A getaway? Oh, honey, that would have been fantastic. I’m so sorry! We should be done here soon. They’ll be tired, right? Like, they’ll go to sleep? Eventually?”

  Orrie didn’t want to jinx it by saying yes. “We can hope.”

  Dalton linked hands with Orrie and led him toward the door just before the boys dashed outside.

  “It’s hella dark out there. I don’t want to lose them.”

  “Good call,” Orrie said.

  There were a few more lights at this end of the compound but it was pitch black not too far from where they were.

  “If you’ll all follow me, we’ll visit our lovebirds. Catrina and Cass are a mated pair of coyotes—”

  The boys darted into the darkness ahead of Tasha, and Orrie heard them squealing in delight.

  “Lord, don’t let your nephews get eaten by coyotes on my watch.” Dalton quickened his pace and Orrie trotted to catch up with him.

  “I don’t see anything,” Hendrix said. “Hello?” he called into the darkness several times, until a flash of golden fur darted past him. He shrieked and pulled Clapton back from the fence with a jerk that sent them both tumbling to the ground.

  “Boys!” Dalton reached them first and did an initial assessment. Some dusting off was all that wa
s necessary, thankfully. Dalton always worried, but Orrie knew they were pretty tough little dudes.

  “Would you all like to say hello? Catrina and Cass like to have boisterous conversations. All you have to do is call to them.”

  Tasha demonstrated how to make a coyote sound and soon all of the kids did their impressions. It wasn’t quite a howl, more like Oooo, and after several moments of the group calling, the coyotes darted forward and threw their heads back, answering with calls of their own.

  “Coyotes, like a few other species, actually mate for life. Cass and Catrina haven’t had any offspring, but it’s always a possibility. Can anyone tell me some other creatures that mate for life?”

  The other kids shouted out answers.

  “Wolves.”

  “Barn owls.”

  “Bald eagles.”

  “Penguins!” Hendrix said. “There are even boy penguins that find true love together. And there’s a kind of penguin that brings special rocks to each other. My mommy told me about it.”

  Dalton and Orrie shared a look of OMG could he be any more precious?

  “That’s correct!” Tasha bent down to speak to Hendrix. “I just read that in Australia, there is a same-sex couple of penguins that have been fostering an egg together. Pretty cool, huh?”

  “And Tango Makes Fwee.” Clapton hopped up and down, clapping his hands. “We has that book.”

  Olive had bought the book for the boys for Christmas this past year. Orrie was so grateful his mom and sister had been so supportive. Since he and Dalton had been together, they’d gone out of their way to encourage their relationship. They knew how happy Dalton made him.

  I just hope it stays that way.

  Orrie really hated to worry, but anxiety was part of his makeup. The more he tried to change, the more he perseverated. His tour manager, Joshua, was great about tending to his idiosyncrasies while out on the road. Joshua had been with him since he got signed to a major label and he took very good care of Orrie. He also made sure to keep Dalton apprised of Orrie’s plans, which Orrie very much appreciated.

  The group moved back inside to make a craft and have hot cocoa. The boys were more interested in the marshmallows than the craft or the hot chocolate, and soon Clapton had the gooey mess in his hair.

  “Peanut butter will get that out,” Orrie said, and the boys giggled.

  “Siwwy unkie, you no put peanut buttuh in hayuh.” Clapton couldn’t control himself and ended up rolling on the floor, getting his hair even more tangled and landing him a case of the hiccups.

  “I think it’s about time to go home,” Orrie said, ready to put them to bed and at least have some cuddle time with Dalton.

  “Let me see if Terrence needs a ride home,” Dalton said. “We picked him up, and I told him I could take him home if need be.”

  “It’s fine,” Orrie said with a sigh. A night of endless cockblocking.

  “Unkie Dawton, I wanna make a buhdie feeduh pweeze?”

  Tasha had set out seed, peanut butter, and pinecones for the kids to make natural feeders. The boys struggled out of Dalton’s grip and pulled on his hands to get him to help.

  “We have time?” Dalton looked so touched that the boys wanted his help. They usually only asked Orrie for help.

  Orrie smiled. He could never say no to Dalton.

  “No problem. You guys make some feeders. I’ll go see if I can find Terrence.”

  Dalton blew him a kiss, and Orrie felt that warmth in his chest that he’d been missing while on the road. Yeah, he’d needed to come home, even if it was just for a night. He was on tour through May this time, and then he’d spend the summer in the studio. He couldn’t wait for the time off the road.

  “Be right back, okay? And then it’s time to get you crazy kids to bed.”

  The boys paid no attention to his stern voice. He was going to have to work on that.

  Orrie went to the back of the classroom, where he’d seen Tasha and Terrence minutes before. He heard voices through another doorway and followed them. He entered a room with aquariums set into the walls and murals painted around them. He followed the sound of laughter and found Terrence and Tasha talking quietly in a corner. Terrence had his arm up on the wall over her head, and her smile said she was perfectly fine being this close to him.

  “Then the owls just get busy?”

  “Well,” Tasha said. “Owls have what’s called a cloaca. They take care of all of their business in one spot. Male owls have testes, but yeah, it’s different.”

  “So no owl boners, huh?”

  Oh my god, Terrence.

  Orrie cleared his voice before their discussion got any creepier.

  “Oh, hey, Orrie. Tasha, this is my brother’s fiancé, Orrie Jones.”

  Her eyes bugged out. “The Orrie Jones? Like, Be Your Man Orrie Jones?”

  Orrie smiled and held out his hand. “Guilty. Nice to meet you. That presentation was great, by the way.”

  “Thanks,” Tasha said, blushing. “I love the kids, but it’s more fun to give that talk to the older crowds.”

  “Why is that?” Terrence asked.

  A mischievous glint sparkled in her eye. “Well, with the littles, as soon as I start talking cloacas, they lose it. And with older kids and adults, I can tell them the real reason Tallulah won’t be having a mate.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Yeah. Because female tarantulas frequently kill the males, either if they don’t want to mate with them, or sometimes after they mate, they use them for a snack.”

  Terrence swallowed hard. “Wow, uh, yeah. I can see why you wouldn’t tell the little ones that story.”

  She leaned in a little closer, her eyes wide with excitement. “Other insects kill their mates as well. Like praying mantises? The female eats his head. Isn’t that cool?”

  Orrie couldn’t tell if all this mating talk was making Terrence amorous or squeamish.

  “Hey, Terrence? Dalton wanted me to ask if you needed a ride home?” Please say no please say no please say no.

  “Oh, well, I was going to stay and help Tasha clean up.”

  She totally melted. “That would be great. You know, I could always give you a lift.”

  Perfect.

  “Thank you, uh, I better ask Dalton—”

  “Totally fine,” Orrie cut in. “I’ll let him know. You can just, uh, stay here. Learn some more. We should really get the boys to bed, anyway.”

  “Yeah,” Tasha said, her excitement growing. “It’s no problem. I don’t mind at all.”

  Terrence, for once, was speechless. Orrie was waiting for one of his smarmy lines or asshole moves, but he seemed to genuinely be into this girl. Perhaps Sober Terrence was new and improved for real?

  “Great. Well, thanks again.”

  “Sure.” They were soon back to their conversation about owls and multi-use ports for entry and exit functions.

  Orrie shuddered. Who knew what other animal mating facts she had up her sleeve? Terrence better know what he’s getting himself into.

  Orrie reentered the classroom and found the boys and Dalton covered in peanut butter and birdseed.

  “Did you get any on the pinecones?”

  His answer was little boy giggles that never ceased to warm his often-cold heart.

  “You ready?” Orrie asked Dalton.

  Dalton gazed at him with that I’m trying really hard not to cry right now expression. Orrie hoped it was just the dose of the nephews that had him in this state and not that something was wrong.

  Orrie thanked Tasha’s assistant and gave her a hefty tip as a donation. She thanked him profusely and assured they should just leave their stations as they were. He placed the finished bird feeders in the provided paper bag and scooped up Hendrix. Thankfully he’d been hitting the treadmill hard to stay in shape for this tour or he would have been dying by the time they reached the top.

  Dalton carried a fussy Clapton up the steep hill. “My thighs are going to feel this tomorrow,” Dalton said with a
shy smile as he unlocked the Tesla’s doors.

  “I have several comments that will remain unspoken, as none are appropriate in present company.”

  “Who’s Present Company? Are they a band, Uncle Orrie?” Hendrix asked, his eyelids already drooping now that he was in his car seat.

  “No, but that’s a good band name.”

  “I still like Boney Jones. Can that be my band name?”

  “I think it’s a great band name.”

  “I wanna be Boney Jones tewwwww,” Clapton cried.

  “You can be in my band, buddy. You just gotta practice.”

  “I pwactice aw da times.”

  By the time Dalton pulled out of the parking lot and onto D Street, the boys were singing one of Orrie’s songs together, and when they reached the freeway, they were sound asleep.

  Orrie reached over and squeezed Dalton’s thigh.

  “That was real sweet, you bringing them tonight. I think I ovulated watching you with the boys.”

  Dalton barked out a laugh and then sniffled, his eyes glassy. “Shhh. You’ll wake them.”

  “Seriously, babe. Thank you.”

  Dalton smiled at him and then trained his eyes back on the road. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

  “Surprise,” Orrie said, feeling nervous all of a sudden. “Was this not a good idea?”

  Dalton frowned. “Of course it is! I just wasn’t expecting you, that’s all. I love that we get to spend Valentine’s Day—well, evening—together.”

  Orrie breathed a little easier. “Okay. Good.”

  They didn’t talk for a long time, and Dalton was surprised to feel tension in the car. Orrie seemed off, intense. Dalton thought maybe he’d just been tired from the tour and traveling. But then why did he come home for just a night? He’d never done that before. And he was acting like he had something to say, fidgeting in his seat in the car, picking at something. All Dalton could do was wait until they got home and for the hammer to fall.