Nodding he says nothing, instead pulling me through the crowd until we reach the side of the grave. Mike stands next to me, Danny at my side with Rubén at his. I don’t look at the other mourners. I don’t see the point. They didn’t really know her, and I have no interest in chatting, this isn’t a social function. I feel only slightly guilty that I don’t really listen to a word Pastor Wilson says, being lost in my own thoughts. I ignore the casket, sitting opposite the big hole in front of me.
I’m brought back to the here and now when the coffin is lowered into the ground. There’s a sharp pain coursing through my heart, and I clutch my throat wondering if I’ll stop breathing at any moment. Danny rubs my back gently and calms my body. But my mind is totally in its own world, not quite believing what my eyes are seeing.
Mike moves from my side, I immediately feel the cold. He holds a white rose between his fingers throwing it in the hole. Mumbling a few words, then taking a step back, his shoulders shake and I know he’s silently sobbing. Simone walks to his side, wrapping her arms around him.
“Here,” Danny says passing me a white rose. I look between the flower and him. Almost robotically, I pull the rose from his hand and stiffly walk to the hole. Looking down, I see the shiny brown box. I wonder why they make it so pretty. It’s going to be buried in the dirt. What’s the point? My ribs feel like they’re cracking under the pressure on my chest. Feeling cold and hollow, I drop the rose but say nothing. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say in front of a bunch of mourners, who are probably just here for a day out.
I edge backward while Rubén moves in for his turn. Dragging my feet more and more, I only realize how far away from the grave I am when I can’t hear Pastor Wilson anymore. I can see Danny’s eyes on me, he wants to come to me, but he’s stuck in between Rubén and Mike and it would be very obvious if he left now, right at the end.
A few people glance over to me, but I don’t know them so I don’t care. I edge backward a bit more. If I can’t see it, then it doesn’t exist, right? It’s as I stumble, I realize I’m on the road. My heart thumps faster and faster. Looking around, I spot Amanda’s car. The one Mike used after… I know Mike always leaves the keys under the visor. So quickly, I run and jump in the car. As I start and reverse out of the parking space, I see Danny running toward me. I just have time to mouth ‘I’m sorry,’ before I drive away.
Amanda and I used to go to the park when we were younger, but there was another place we escaped to. Somewhere that was quiet, peaceful. And when we needed space, time to think or just to watch a wicked beautiful sunset, we would come here. This is where my subconscious has brought me. I drove for an hour just mindlessly moving from street to street, then back again. I ended up at old creek bridge. I’m not sure if that’s what it’s called. It’s a small bridge, only big enough for one small car to drive over, right next to an old creek, with a rundown shack which sits in a big field. We used to run through the field, holding our arms out and letting the sun beat down on our faces. I’m not sure anyone has been here for years. It looks the same as it did when we were kids. I remember asking my pop if he knew the story behind this place. He didn’t even know this place existed. And he lived in our town his whole life.
I abandoned the car across the field and walked here. It’s the only way I know how to get to the creek. Sitting on the wall of the bridge, looking down into the shallow river about thirty feet below, the ebb and flow of the water mesmerize me. I feel cold, like I’m a shell, numb and empty. Amanda and me used to say we’d buy this cottage one day. Do it up and make it look pretty. Then we’d always have a hideaway, one that only the two of us knew about.
I’m not sure how long I sit, but I do so until it gets dark. The stars in the sky are always welcome. Especially when they’re this bright, because there’s no light pollution. I feel inside the pocket of the black jacket I’m wearing, and exhale as I pull out my small wallet. Instantly opening it, I ease out the dog-eared photos I always keep in there. Pushing the others back in, I keep the one of Amanda and me firmly grasped between my fingers as I allow my eyes to scan every morsel of her face. I gasp for air as I heave. It’s like my body is trying to expel the agony.
“I miss you,” I whisper. “When you lived in Paris I missed you, but this is different. I’m never going to be able to speak to you again. You’re never coming back. I’m sorry I was mad at you. I’m not anymore. There’s just a hole in me, and I don’t know if it will ever close.” I look up to the stars. “You’re my North Star, Amanda. You always were. I want to let Danny in, but I’m scared. I know he loves me, and he knows I feel the same. But I can’t… I’m not sure I could survive it if I lost someone else I love. I need some of your strength. I love you, Mandie Moo. Who am I without you?”
I sit still, the cold whipping around me, just allowing myself to work through things in my head, while my body only seems to get weaker, my limbs tingling either from the cold or the pain.
“Bel,” my name is whispered from his lips and for a second I think I’m dreaming his voice. That is, until his signature move. His arms wrap around me, and he pulls me down from the bridge wall. “What are you doing, baby? You can’t sit up there. You might fall in.” The tone he uses is soft, but he’s angry and I’m not used to dealing with an angry Danny. Not these days. He pulls back and turns me to face him. But he doesn’t touch me, not this time. He takes a step away from me. “I didn’t know where you were, everyone’s been worried. It’s not fair Bel, you didn’t give a second thought to anyone. Mike’s been worried sick. He’s just buried his daughter and you’re the closest thing he has to family. Not only do you leave him swinging in the wind at the funeral, but then you disappear. We’ve been looking for you for hours. It was selfish, you think you’re the only one hurting?“
His words are sharp and they cut me. He’s right of course, but nothing I did was out of spite and I didn’t run away to be the center of attention. I step away from him. “Why are you here? Because you need to reassure everyone? Well, you’ve seen me, I’m fine. You can go back and tell everyone I’m fine, that I’m just being melodramatic. Although, just FYI. I might be overly emotional right now, but I wasn’t sent the memo on how to act when your best friend dies. Sorry, maybe I should be stronger. I’m not. I don’t have grit.”
His eyes widen and he realizes I heard the conversation earlier. “Bel.” My name is warm on his lips now. But I’m not interested, my stomach twists as I bite back the sobs trying to escape.
“It’s fine. Go. I’ll be fine on my own. I’ve survived this long,” I tell him. The pain is evident in my voice, even I can hear it. I walk away from him, moving across the gray-stoned floor of the bridge and the tears that had dried up, that I was keeping in check, free-fall now. Danny grabs my hand, hauling me back to him.
“Baby,” he whispers and I turn to face him.
“What!” I shout. “What do you want from me?”
“Nothing!” he shouts back. That’s when the heavens open and the rainstorm starts.
My tears mix with the rain and every part of me is soaked and numb. “Nothing? Then why are you still here,” I ask.
He lets his head fall back and stares at the dark sky. I follow his lead and look up too. Some of the stars are covered by the clouds that carry the rain, but others shine bright white, almost blinding against the pitch black. I wonder if Amanda is looking down on me. Finally sending the rain, telling me I’m being stupid. I can almost see her face. The thought twists something in my gut and my knees give out. I only realize what’s happening as my body jolts on impact with the ground. Within seconds, Danny is there crouching down and patting my body checking I’m okay. But I can’t think past the fact that I didn’t even realize I was falling. Not until it was too late and then there was nothing I could do to stop it.
“Are you hurt?” Danny asks grabbing my chin and turning my head toward him.
I have no choice but to focus and answer, “I’m fine.” My voice sounds robotic and cold, even to
my own ears, but I just can’t seem to add any warmth when my insides feel like they’re hollow.
“Here, have my jacket,” he says shrugging it off his body and wrapping it around mine.
I look up at him. “What do you want, Danny?” And he knows my question holds weight. He opens his mouth to speak, but I quickly talk over him. “Don’t say nothing, we both know that’s not the truth.” His eyes search mine then drop down to my lips momentarily before he returns back to my eyes and I can see the resignation in them.
“Just you, Bel. You’re all I need.” At his words my very fragile dam breaks and I tuck my face into his chest, as he wraps me in his arms and lets me grieve.
The next morning I wake alone again. Hearing movement downstairs, I throw on a robe and wander to the kitchen. Mike is sitting at the table, a coffee in his hand and the paper in front of him.
“Mike,” I whisper, taking a seat.
“Anabel,” he says, looking up from the paper with a sad smile.
“I’m so…” I sigh and shift so my chair is next to his. Throwing my arms around him, I close my eyes and breathe in his scent. “I’m so sorry about yesterday.”
“Don’t apologize, sweetheart. We all deal with things differently. I’ve had a while to come to terms with this, and I have to say girl, I don’t think you ever really come to terms with it. Still, you did your thing. Feel better now?” he asks and I think for a few minutes, letting the different emotions flow through me.
“Yeah, actually I think I do.” I’m surprised by the revelation. It’s completely honest. I know I’m not past losing Amanda, but I also know I never will be. “I’m not fixed Mike. I still wake up, and for those few seconds until I remember, life’s good. But I’m not crying every five minutes anymore either.”
“You remember how you felt when your pop, then your momma died?” he asks and I nod my head. “You feel that badly now?” My stomach dips at his words. I don’t feel as bad now as I did when they died, but maybe I should? My face must give me away because Mike chuckles and places his hand on mine.
“It’s okay darlin’, it’s supposed to get easier, there’s nothing wrong with that. We’d never move on if it didn’t. You’re good, you have the support of a good man. Hold onto him.”
I nod in response, not having any idea where Danny is today.
“He about went crazy when he couldn’t find you yesterday. Never seen a man so shook up with worry. Go easy on him. He loves you. Seems like he’s loved you forever. You deserve that. Amanda thought so. I think so. Hell, even Pastor Wilson thinks so, and that man is all about the sanctity of marriage. I’m heading out today. Can’t be here in this town much longer. Do me a favor, okay?” I nod again. “Remember, life is short. We have but one, that we know of. The good Lord may grace us with more, but while we don’t know, we have to live this one like there’s no other. You’ve known Danny for a long time. I know you hadn’t seen him for a while, but take a leaf out of Amanda and Rubén’s book… don’t waste a second. ‘Cause you just don’t know, baby girl.”
I smile and squeeze his hand. “Where’s Rubén?” I ask him.
“Not sure. Danny said he didn’t come back here last night. Simone and I crashed here last night, though. I was in no state to drive, Rubén was AWOL, Danny was with you and Simone can’t drive here.”
“Sorry,” I whisper.
“Nothing to be sorry for Anabel. Anyway, we need our stuff from the hotel and to check out. I asked Danny if he’d take Simone so I could talk to you.”
“Oh?”
“Part of it was that what I’ve already said. Wanting you to know I love you, that I want you to grab a hold of life, and to tell you I’m leaving. The offer I gave you before still stands. You want to get away, you’ll always have a room in my house, wherever I am.” I smile and bite the inside of my cheek so I don’t get emotional. Again. “The other part is this house.” I draw in my eyebrows confused. “It was Amanda’s. She put it in her will for you.”
“What?” I shriek.
Mike chuckles. “She said that you didn’t have anywhere to live, that she wanted to be able to still look after you.” The emotion I was keeping a check on flows out of me as I bite my lip. “The other thing was this, she wanted you to have it.” He pushes a big book my way. I look between him and the book. “Well, open it, sweetheart.”
I carefully pull it open and gasp, my stomach twists as tingles run over the whole of my body. It’s a scrapbook of sorts.
“Amanda started that when we moved to Paris. She firstly put photos of this town, you and your friends, then she started adding little notes underneath. I asked her what she was doing and she said it was a memory book, and a wishes book. Baffled me then, but now I get it. As the years went on she added to it. I didn’t see it again until a few days ago when she told me I needed to give it to you. I had a flick through. It’s pictures she took from then until now. I’ll leave you with this. I’m gonna go wait in the front yard for Danny and Simone.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Know that darlin’, just want some fresh air.” I nod and he gets up, then leans down to kiss my cheek. “Love you, Bellie,” he whispers, using Amanda’s nickname for me. The pain crushes me when I register that I’ll never hear it from her lips again.
As soon as the front door clicks shut, I finger through the pages, occasionally stopping to sigh at us or our history, then to laugh at a picture with a thought attached. Like the Eiffel Tower, with ‘We better be sitting on blankets, on the grass, with a glass of champagne one day Bellie. You, me, and two hot dudes.’ My heart jumps into my throat when I reach a picture of Danny and me, a photo that could only have been taken two or three weeks ago. Danny is sitting on a chair and I’m on his lap. I’ve fallen asleep and Danny has his eyes closed as he kisses my head. Amanda has written underneath. ‘Marry him. He loves you. Nobody will ever love you more than this man. Don’t waste precious time.’ My stomach clenches, but with happiness and warmth this time.
“Wow,” I murmur. “I think you were right honey, I need to marry that man,” I say the words out loud and they make me smile. A noise catches my attention and, still smiling, I look to the window just as the rain starts pouring. “Okay Mandie Moo, you’ve made your point.”
“Rubén.” I’m almost shocked when he walks through the door. I waited for him all day yesterday. Saying goodbye to Mike was even harder without him here. It was evident Mike wanted to speak to Rubén before he left, but he just couldn’t bear to wait any longer. I stayed in the house, my head swimming with a thousand thoughts. Danny tried to take me away, out to the lake or the beach. My mind was set, I needed to wait for Rubén. I still have the note with Amanda’s vows on them. I haven’t really seen him since she left us. So I haven’t had a chance to pass them onto him. I know he told Danny that he was heading out ASAP. I’m surprised and happy he’s still here.
As yesterday floated into last night then the early hours of this morning, Danny fell asleep on the sofa. I think the fact that over the last few days, I’ve slept more than I’ve been awake, helped me to wait up for him. I’d just about given up hope that he was coming back at all. It’s nearly six a.m. now and his creeping in makes me think he wanted it like this, he wants to avoid everyone. Especially if his startled look, when I called his name, is anything to go by.
“Anabel,” he whispers looking over to Danny. I glance across at him too. His face soft in what I hope is a beautiful dream. I move my head, signaling for us to go into the kitchen. We both walk that way and take opposite seats at the table.
“Talk to me,” I say, reaching across to grab his hand, but he pulls it away sharply.
“Nothing to say,” his reply is hard and cold.
“She wouldn’t want you to go through this alone,” I tell him softly.
“Well, she’s not here to kick my ass is she? She fucking left.”
Ouch. He’s so angry, I can see the fire in his eyes, but it’s not warm or inviting. It’s like look
ing into the pits of hell.
“Rubén…”
“Stop fucking saying my name and tell me what you wanted to say, so I can get out of this shithole town.” I nod, but pull on my strength, the strength I’m determined to build back up.
Reaching into my pocket, I grasp the note she gave me. “Here,” I say, passing it to him.
He takes it from my hands. “What is it?”
“It’s Amanda’s vows.” At my words, he drops the paper like it’s a hot potato. “What’s wrong?”
“I-I c-can’t… it’s… my… the…” His words die in his throat as he stares at the paper.
“You want me to?” I ask. Rubén looks between the paper and me, then back again. Finally, his eyes meet mine and he nods. I clutch the paper and will myself to stay calm, control my emotions because Rubén needs me to. I unfold the creased note, smoothing it out between my fingers and staring at the words, the ones I haven’t read since the day Amanda showed them to me.
Taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly I begin, “If I knew this was how my life would have turned out, would I have done things differently?” After the first line I look back to Rubén, all I see is a pained expression covering his face and it hurts to look at him. I tilt my head back to the paper in my hand and continue.
“If I’d have known that I would be dying so young, would my desires, wants or needs have changed?” I take a breath, but don’t look back up at Rubén, scared of what I’ll see on his face. If he’s breaking apart, I might not be able to read the rest of this note, and he needs to know this. Amanda wanted him to know.
“If I was aware that my time would be limited, would my choices have been different? The answer to every question is no. I would not change one thing about my life. This time was a gift, and I have used it in the best way I know how. Making one change could mean I’d lose myself, the person I’ve become and I like me. Making one change could mean I lose the people that I love, the people that have filled my life to the fullest, with nothing but love and happiness. But more than anything, making one change could mean I’d lose this moment. This one right now. The one where I get to say ‘I do.’ The one where I get to devote myself to you.” I steel myself, bag up my emotions and look up at Rubén. His eyes are closed and I can see he’s clinging to his control. “I choose this.” His eyes open and he stares at me, not really seeing me. “And if I had my time again I’d still choose you. If I were to be told right now that I’ll have another fifty years to live, I’d still choose you. You’re my choice. You’re the one I’ve been running toward. If I had to have cancer to bring me to you. Then when my time comes, I’ll lay down happily, knowing I got to have the best few weeks of my life because of you.” I bite my lip, as a lone tear escapes my tight control and finish. “Because you loved me.” I carefully fold the paper back up and watch Rubén.
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