Worse Things Happen at Sea!

by Alan Snow

  “Oh, yes.”

  “And you were happy with it?”

  “Very much so. We’d like some more, a lot more. So we thought we’d come in person. Deal direct, if you get my meaning. But we have a few problems. I don’t think the producers are going to cooperate with supplying our requirements. That is why we’re here. We thought you might be able to help us.”

  Snatcher gave Guillemot a wink with his good eye. “I think we might need a bit of extra manpower to get things done.”

  Guillemot was starting to get the picture. “Did you ‘borrow’ the monster?”

  “Yes.”

  “And were its owners aware of this?”

  “Not exactly.”

  Guillemot smiled. He didn’t like his own islanders, but he disliked the other islanders more. “So you need help in, shall we say, ‘fulfilling’ your order?”

  “Exactly. It might take rather a robust approach.”

  Guillemot could see that this could be the chance he’d wished for. That island was rich with things he could trade. And what was more, if he played his cards right, he could make some money from this “Snatcher” in the process.

  “So you would like me to provide you with the means to collect what you’re after? Perhaps some hired help?”

  “Exactly. I think we understand each other very well.”

  “And what might you be willing to pay?”

  Snatcher liked this man. “Are you interested in a job?”

  “What kind of job?

  “One that might be very, very lucrative.”

  Guillemot could smell money.

  “Once we get what we want, we’ll be off back to England, but we’ll still need more seed. I’ll need all I can get, and I need someone here in charge.”

  “You’re on!”

  “So can you provide the help?” Snatcher demanded.

  “I think so. It might take a few trinkets. The people around here won’t get out of bed unless there is something in it for them.”

  Snatcher thought about it. “Is there anything we might offer them?”

  “It’s really easy. All you have to do is make them want something they don’t have. What have you got?”

  This baffled Snatcher. He didn’t have anything. Was there anything he’d brought with him? Then he remembered . . .

  “Do you think they’d like some trotting badgers?”

  Guillemot’s face dropped. “Trotting badgers? You’ve brought trotting badgers halfway around the world?”

  “Yes.”

  Guillemot thought. If he was on the other island and well out of the way, then he’d rather enjoy the idea of the trotting badgers wreaking havoc on his old “trading partners.”

  “We just have to work out the angle.”

  Guillemot’s face dropped.

  chapter 34

  THE HARD SELL

  Next morning a very large sign hung over the door of the beach supermarket.

  Once-Only Special Offer!

  Advance Orders Taken!

  Very Limited Supply!

  No Cash Needed!

  BUY NOW! PAY LATER!

  At nine o’clock, unobserved by anyone, a solitary islander approached the shop, read the sign, and disappeared again. Fifteen minutes later, Snatcher, who was waiting inside the shop with Guillemot and the rest of the crew, heard a sound that at first he couldn’t make out. It sounded like a cross between a repeated war cry and a relentless squawking. Then, as the sound got louder and clearer, he smirked. Guillemot’s sign had done its job.

  “SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP!”

  Snatcher peered out of the shop door to see the approaching islanders—and got a huge surprise. They were large birds, the size of turkeys, swathed in jewelry and hats, and each carrying a large shopping basket.

  Each carrying a large shopping basket.

  “SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP!”

  The clamoring mass of shopping birds came toward the supermarket.

  Gristle spoke. “Look at ’em all. Loads of them! Do yer think they will be any good in a fight?”

  “Not sure,” muttered Snatcher. “But might be good roasted.”

  “SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP!”

  The birds stopped and fell silent as Guillemot raised a hand.

  “As you may have heard, I have a very special offer today, and for one day only. A shipment of unequaled value is arriving, and it falls to me to offer advance orders. What is more, I am not asking for money now . . . or ever!”

  The birds started clucking in surprise. It was not what they had come to expect from Guillemot.

  “No. What I am asking is for you to sign up to give me just a little help with collection. You’ll receive some truly remarkable items, and you will be at liberty to do what you want with them. Do I have any takers?”

  There was a single squawk of “YES!” and this set off all the other birds. Guillemot raised his hand again and shouted.

  “QUIET! If you want to take advantage of this offer, I insist that you form a queue!”

  A disorderly queue formed at the gate. There was a lot of pecking as birds tried to outmaneuver one another to get closer to the front of the queue.

  It only took half an hour to sign them all up, each bird making a beak print on a piece of paper. Snatcher and Gristle were put in charge of this, as Guillemot was trying to stop the birds from stealing things from his shelves. This was difficult, as the shop was packed and the birds were taking full advantage. After a while Guillemot just stood at the door and patted down the leaving birds and made them raise their wings. He still lost a lot of stock.

  It only took half an hour to sign them all up.

  By eleven, nine hundred birds had signed up and were waiting outside on the beach.

  “I think you’d better tell them what they’ve got to do,” said Guillemot.

  “Yes.” Snatcher smiled. “By the way, Guillemot. Can they fly?”

  “No.”

  “So how do they get from island to island?”

  “Boats. Well, I say boats. More like rafts . . . well, actually more like big nests. They use their wings as paddles.”

  “Is that how you got across to the other island?”

  “Yes. It’s not very dignified, but it works. Lost a couple of nests to sharks, but I was in the biggest nest and there were no problems.”

  There were no problems.

  “Didn’t that upset the birds?”

  “Not really. Any chance they get to inherit one another’s things is seen as positive.”

  Snatcher walked outside. He had the measure of the birds.

  “Right, then. We’re off on a little shopping trip.” This was greeted by approving clucking.

  “On the other island over there are your new purchases. I’ll need a little help getting you your orders.”

  “What we got to do?” called out one of the birds.

  “It is like this,” explained Snatcher. “The people on that island might stand in the way when they see what a bargain you’re getting. They might put up a fight to stop you from getting what’s coming to you.”

  The birds started squawking in outrage. They liked a fight but usually only got the chance at the opening of the January sales.

  “As you may have noticed, we have borrowed their walking monster. We’re now going to walk back, and I’ll need you lot to follow so you can get your bargains. Do you think you can manage that?”

  “After the fight do we get our special offer?”

  “Oh yes!” Snatcher smiled.

  Lone Cheese Fiend Evades Capture

  The net is closing as the “house to house” search continues by day, but by night the fiend is still driven by his evil desires. Police and dogs chased the fiend back into the woods last night after he emerged on what was thought to be yet another of his evil forays. He again escaped down one of the badger tunnels, but not
before losing his woolly hat.

  In a statement from police it was postulated that this last miscreant had avoided detection by making sure he was free of cheese traces before returning to his lair, thus avoiding detection. But with the woolly hat the police now think they have all they need to trace and forensically link the criminal to the crimes. Large numbers of police are being drafted in from across the county to assist in the sweep of the town, and it is thought that by tomorrow night the fiend will be in custody.

  The courts of justice have issued a statement that this last and most evil of the “Cheesy Crims” will receive the heaviest of sentences and that no mercy will be shown.

  We here at the Gazette say, “HEAR! HEAR!”

  Suddenly he felt himself pick up speed and rush toward the beach.

  chapter 35

  THE QUIET BEFORE THE STORM

  Arthur was woken by the sun shining on his face. He jumped out of his hammock, feeling totally refreshed after a night in the open air. Smiling, he gazed out toward their ship. It floated calmly in the lagoon and looked at peace.

  “I think I will start my day with a swim.” He lifted his clothes over his head, rushed over the sand, and dived in.

  Coming up for air, he thought he might try to catch a wave, and bodysurf in. He had seen some of the island children doing it yesterday, and it looked fun. So he swam out a little farther. When he saw a wave coming, he turned and prepared to catch it. The wave reached him, and he paddled as fast as he could. Suddenly he felt himself pick up speed and rush toward the beach. As he did, he noticed something was missing.

  At first he was not sure what it was, and then it struck him. The monster had gone. He wondered if the islanders had moved it. Then he saw Fish come down to the beach. He called out to him.

  “Come in and try riding a wave.”

  Fish didn’t need to be asked twice. As they played, more and more of their friends came to join them in the water. Tom discovered that he could get a very good ride standing on Kipper’s stomach, and soon all the rats were riding on bellies.

  Tom discovered that he could get a very good ride standing on Kipper’s stomach.

  The noise didn’t take long to wake the islanders. But when the first of them came down, they also noticed the lack of monster. Instead of joining the surfers, they ran back to the village to sound the alarm. Arthur and the other surfers saw that something was up and gathered on the beach. Soon the islanders arrived.

  “This is bad. It takes quite a few people to operate the monster,” observed Queen Flo.

  “And I have a funny feeling I know who they are,” added Bert. “Shall I go and check?”

  “Yes. I think you better had.”

  Bert climbed the rock and looked down the hole.

  They all watched as Bert ran across the beach and over to the rocks where the cave was. Bert climbed the rock and looked down the hole. There was the ladder. He signaled a “thumbs down.”

  “I think we have our answer,” said Willbury.

  “What do you think that Snatcher is going to do?” asked the queen.

  “Whatever it is, it’ll not be good. That you can count on.”

  “Where do you think he’s gone?”

  “The other island. There is nowhere else he could have gone without the ship,” offered Arthur.

  “Yup!” said Kipper. “And he’ll be back for the ship, and I reckon he might come after the Black Cabbage Seeds as well.”

  Bert stood and drew out his sword. “Well, we won’t give them to him.”

  “Knowing Snatcher, he will use any means he can to get what he wants. Are there any weapons on the other island?” asked Arthur.

  “No. Just an awful lot of awful birds.”

  “What about the shoppers you were telling us about?”

  “They are the shoppers.”

  “Yes. And how!” answered the queen as she shook her head.

  “Would they help Snatcher?”

  “Only if they thought something was in it for them.”

  “Well, I think we should expect the worst,” said Willbury sadly.

  “We can fight Snatcher and his mob . . . and a bunch of birds.” Kipper tried to lift spirits.

  “You have to remember that they have our monster, and might have an awful lot of awful big birds, with awful big sharp beaks.”

  “What’s more, we don’t know how to fight. We only scare people away,” said the queen.

  “Come on, everyone, we can do it!” said Bert. “We’ve been in a fight or two. It’s only Snatcher . . . and a bunch of birds . . . and a monster . . . and Snatcher’s men, of course. . . . How many birds?”

  “Could be as many as a thousand.”

  Even Bert was silent. Everyone looked at one another in dismay.

  Then Marjorie spoke. “Well, they are going to come if we are ready or not. So it might be better to be as prepared as we can. Any ideas?”

  “How many birds?”

  Bert was stationed with a telescope in the crow’s nest of the ship.

  chapter 36

  THE BATTLE OF THE BEACH

  Everybody pitched in. There was an awful lot to be done if they were to stand any chance of repelling an attack.

  To get as early a warning as possible, Bert was stationed with a telescope in the crow’s nest of the ship. It was agreed that he would signal to the beach as soon as he saw anything.

  Arthur was to watch for the signal from Bert, and he was hidden with Fish up a tree on the edge of the beach.

  “I hope Snatcher doesn’t come back,” he said nervously.

  Fish looked gloomy. The prospect of a battle had brought his mood down.

  All about below, there were frenetic preparations for what was to come. The pirates and rats searched every corner of the ship for weapons of any sort. Swords, knives, and even wooden spoons were collected and rowed back to the beach. There were not enough to go round, so they made spears from bamboo that grew near the beach, clubs from suitable pieces of driftwood, and battle-axes from sticks and anything sharp they could find.

  Bert saw that Marjorie was standing on the beach thinking.

  “What’s up?”

  “I think we could handle Snatcher and his mob in a fair fight, but with them having the monster, they have the advantage. We have to slow it down or stop it.”

  “What should we do?”

  “Build defenses.”

  “Let’s get to it, then!”

  Marjorie told Bert to gather everyone they could, including the children, and soon homemade shovels and coconut shell “diggers” were hard at work with sand flying everywhere.

  Soon homemade shovels and coconut shell “diggers” were hard at work.

  After an hour Marjorie said that it might also be very dangerous for the children to be on the beach when the attack came, so they were gathered up and led away to safety deep in the jungle.

  Once the children had gone, a gloom set over the beach and work slowed, until Willbury arrived with some of the villagers who had prepared “battle rations.” This was a very large tray of coconut shells filled with the last of the chocolate from the ship mixed with hot coconut milk and honey. It tasted very good and filled them with new energy as they dug. Soon Marjorie declared the front defenses were ready.

  “I think they will do. Now it is time to build personal defenses and wait.”

  “Personal defenses?” asked Kipper.

  “Yes. You should be good at this. Everybody make themselves a sandcastle big enough to hide behind.”

  As the sun grew hotter, the beach became dotted with mounds of sand.

  The beach became dotted with mounds of sand.

  Kipper, who had proven Marjorie correct about his talents at sandcastle building, had even built an extension to his castle using palm fronds so he could keep in the shade while waiting. This was copied by the others, and as it reached midday, it became very quiet on the beach as everyone settled to wait in the shade behind their personal defenses.


  In the crow’s nest Bert was sweltering and very uncomfortable under an umbrella. He was trying to keep his tail in the shade. He’d been hanging it over the side of the barrel in the wind, but with the strong sun it had burned, and the skin under the thin hairs was already starting to peel. His mother had warned him about burning his tail, but the cool breeze had seemed so tempting. After tipping a little water from a drinking flask over it, he resumed his watch and slowly swung his telescope across the horizon.

  There it was! It was still a few miles away, but the monster was coming. He took a small mirror from his pocket and checked the position of the sun. Then he signaled to Arthur. The sun’s beams reflected off the mirror, and Bert could see a spot of brighter light on the palm tree below where he knew Arthur was. He moved the mirror, and the flash of light flickered over Arthur.

  Tipping a little water from a drinking flask.

  Arthur was startled as the flash of light almost blinded him. Then he realized it was the signal. “He’s seen them. He’s seen them. They’re coming!”

  “Signal back to Bert to let him know you’ve seen his signal,” called Kipper.

  Arthur flashed his mirror back at Bert.

  Bert saw the reply and then turned back to watch the approaching attack. He could clearly see the monster and behind it an armada of small boats. As they got closer, Bert saw what type of boats they were and what was in the boats.

  “My sainted aunt! It’s the birds. Blooming loads of them! And in blooming floating nests.”

  Paddling with wings and simple oars, the birds were doing their best to keep up with the mighty monster, but not all of them were faring so well. The swell was having a bad effect on the nest boats, and the smaller and more badly built were coming apart and dumping their crew in the sea. Bert noticed that this didn’t seem to worry those in the better boats, who paddled on without them.

  “Blooming loads of them!”