“Oh, I got it.” He said taking a pull of the beer.
“So, anyway, sometimes he would come in on a Friday or Saturday night…the only nights I work there…he always seemed to talk me into leaving with him. He’d give me a ride home, one thing would lead to another…I know this doesn’t put me in the best light, but I thought you should know what kind of person you’re dealing with here. Especially since I suspect your marriage didn’t end well.”
“Anika, you’ve mentioned this to me before. You resisted a very real, very tempting I should add, opportunity to be intimate with me and I was fairly confident you wanted to. You should give yourself some credit. He just wasn’t right for you, and neither was that Gerry guy. Want another beer? I’m gonna grab one.”
“If you’re trying to get me drunk and take advantage of me, I’ll tell you straight; the view, the ocean, the pool…I don’t think I’m gonna need a whole lot of convincing.” I wasn’t trying to be slutty. I was trying to be funny and, luckily, he got the joke and laughed all the way to the kitchen.
He returned with two beers and sat down on the chaise next to me again. “And you?” I asked.
“You didn’t finish your story. How did you go from engaged to bar fight?”
“Lisa was my roommate. She and Evan apparently used to date. Well, I guess they never really stopped. I thought she was a good friend but I thought he was a good friend too.” I looked out for a moment over the black water. No moon tonight. A good night for star watching.
“What are you thinking about?”
“How I trusted them both with something very personal and how they both, well, she threw it in my face and he allowed her to do it.”
“That’s what that painting’s about. The one in your studio? The betrayal.”
“You’re pretty good at that. You get it.”
“It helps when you have a soundtrack.” He smiled with the mouth of the bottle resting at his lips.
“Okay, I’ve done enough talking. Quit stalling. Spill.” I demanded.
He took a very long pull of his beer but didn’t quite finish it.
“The short answer. She married me for money. She convinced me she was one person and the longer we were together, I discovered she was somebody else. I never changed. My father insisted on a pre-nup which was a good thing in hindsight although I compromised with a contract and an agreed amount if the marriage failed. She didn’t love me. She told me she never loved me. The sad thing is, I knew. I knew she didn’t love me but I liked having the company. I just wanted someone to hang out with but she wanted to go to all the parties and events. Like that exhibit. She lived for that crap.”
“You don’t, I take it?”
“It’s part of my job. My father... well, why don’t we save our family stories for another time?”
“Agreed.”
“Do you still love her?” He looked out, a far away look I knew only too well.
“I don’t think I ever did, not really. Did you love him?”
“That’s just it. My whole idea of what I thought love was has changed.”
“What changed it?” He asked. I didn’t answer. He knew very well what changed.
“Come inside for a minute. I wanna show you something. Bring your beer.”
I followed him in and he veered to the right. A solid wall of pale gray was the backdrop for my painting. Pride of place, it was the focal point of the entire room. Below it was a wooden mantel and fireplace. It should have felt masculine but it didn’t. It felt warm and inviting. It felt like home. A long cream couch faced it. I sat down and stared at my creation. To my left was the ocean, how fitting that Cole should have his own soundtrack to this painting. To my right was a doorway to another room. But this area, this was probably meant to be a sitting room, maybe he read books or the paper here, or worked on his computer or something.
“Do you like it here?”
“It’s perfect. It’s so strange to see something I painted in someone’s home. It was one thing to see it in the gallery, and then the exhibit but this…it’s…special.” A lump had firmly planted itself in my throat. I wasn’t sure if I could keep myself together. I hadn’t even reacted to all the events of the evening. However, I had to give credit where credit was due, “Cole?”
“Yes, Anika?”
“Thank you.” A little sob escaped me. I tried to stop it but I couldn’t. He was suddenly next to me, taking my beer and setting it on a small end table.
“Look at me.” I looked up into his eyes, eyes I hadn’t really looked into since that day at the bar. “Do you know why I brought you here?” I shook my head, knowing what would happen if I tried to talk again. “I brought you here for the same reason I keep coming back to the bar in the hope of hearing you sing, the same reason I bought this and your other paintings. I need you. It scares the fuck out of me but I have never felt this in my entire life. I need to be near you, to hear your voice and see your face.” He never touched me as he spoke, but his eyes seemed to be making a map of where he was going to explore me. I longed to have his hands on me but he somehow refused.
“Why won’t you touch me?” I asked breathlessly.
“I’m savoring you.” I let the breath I was holding in anticipation go and pulled myself together.
“I have to tell you something; actually, more importantly I want to tell you but it might freak you out.”
“I doubt that very much.”
“I’m not sure what Lisa told you that day you came in…after I was …attacked?”
“Not much. She lacks discretion but she said a man you knew attacked you. She did say that it wasn’t a big deal.”
“She would. Well…” This was the moment. I was going to be completely straight with Cole. I wasn’t going to sugar coat things. I wanted to be honest and if he couldn’t take it, then what Aimes told me a month ago was right. If he can’t handle this, how’s he gonna handle marriage, and this guy wasn’t going to just be a fling for me, I already knew that. “The man that attacked me was my mom’s boyfriend. For years, he and my mom would do things to torture me. Mostly psychological stuff but when my mom would go out to buy booze or pick up drugs for them, she left me with Joe. He was this older Italian guy. I’m sure he had a family somewhere because he wasn’t always around. If he was interrupted, he would find a way to get to me again usually after my mom passed out... should I stop?”
“No, I want to know you, Anika. All of you and this…this is important.” His hand was stroking my leg softly, comforting me.
“I know exactly how many times he…well, the last time, I was fifteen. My mom walked in and she beat me pretty badly. I missed a week from school and stayed with Aimes. After that, I tried to never be there when Joe was there but one day he cornered me and told me he was gonna finish what he started. He said it was a promise and I knew he meant it. Now, all these years later he managed to come to the bar where I work. He didn’t finish, the police came and he got away but when he attacked, I knew I couldn’t escape him. He’s too strong so I went to my safe place…but this time, Cole” I met his eyes and stared at him, this was the moment “that painting on your wall is what I saw and your face and your song. I kept repeating it over and over again. I wasn’t afraid because you were there with me.”
His hand brushed the hair from my face that had fallen over my cheek and rested behind my neck. He just looked at me for a long time, saying nothing. When he spoke, his voice cracked with emotion, “Anika, thank you for telling me this. I know that was difficult for you but thank you. Thank you for trusting me.”
I didn’t even know that I did trust him until that moment.
“Is there somewhere I can freshen up?”
“Sure” he smiled. “Follow me.” He rose from the couch and led me by the hand through the door behind us. “I was gonna go for a swim. The pool is heated. And if you’re shy I can turn the lights off. There are robes in that cupboard there. I’ll get some towels and meet you out there. Take your time.” He left and
closed the door behind him.
I entered a very lush bathroom that was like walking into a day spa. I wondered briefly if he hired an interior designer for this place. I’d have to ask him. I was thankful I still had my phone in my pocket. I checked the time, eleven thirty. I needed to call Aimes.
“Rusty’s”
“Aimes” I whispered.
“I can hardly hear you.”
“Heated pool. Underwear or bare-ass.”
“Bathrobe?”
“Yes.”
“Make that robe your bitch and let it fall around your feet.”
“Okay.”
“Have you kissed him?”
“No.”
“Work on that.”
“Bye.”
When I came back into the lounge area, Cole stood up. He’d been waiting for me. I knew my mouth was open and I was standing there like an idiot.
“Everything okay? I already put some towels outside. I didn’t take you for being shy after you stripped down to your bra in front of a crowded bar but I can wear trunks if you’d prefer.”
“Do you happen to have a red room of pain in this place?” I asked.
“A what?” He tilted his head in confusion.
“Are you wearing underwear?”
“Uh, no.”
“You’re standing in front of me, no underwear, in button fly faded Levis with that body?” He looked down and back to me.
“Yes.”
“Do you read much Mommy-porn?”
“Uh, no? I wear these around the house. They happened to be the first thing I grabbed. I live alone. I’ve never brought a woman here before, Anika. You’re the first but I always swim naked. What’s the point of paying for privacy if you’re not going to take full advantage of it? Again, would you be more comfortable if I put trunks on?”
“I have no problem with your state of potential undress.” Hot. Damn.
“I’m glad to hear that, Anika.” He grinned.
Chapter 19
Cole stripped off his jeans and I was overwhelmed with the vision before me. Every fantasy I’d ever had about him didn’t come close to the real deal. He was lean, fit and tan, a sparse trail of hair just below his belly button led to what appeared to be a pretty significant asset. It was obvious he took advantage of living at the beach and his aforementioned privacy because he didn’t have a single tan line. He walked to the side of the pool and slowly lowered himself in.
“Your turn,” he said. I began to take off the robe and remembered what Aimes said, letting it fall to my feet. I decided to keep my black thong and bra on. I thought I should leave a little bit to the imagination. I noticed he’d lit a few candles here and there, creating what looked like a photo shoot for a magazine. There was just enough light to enhance his chiseled features and darkened skin. I, on the other hand, probably glowed like a lighthouse saving wayward ships from a watery death.
Tentatively introducing my toe to the water, I was surprised that the pool felt more like a bath tub. “I didn’t expect it to be so warm.” I could just make out his features, his mouth turned up into a smile.
I lowered my entire body into the dark water and dunked my head underneath. It was glorious. My dream house was getting better and better all the time. “You know that expression ‘how the other half live’?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“You’re the other half, aren’t you?”
“I suppose so.” He let out a disappointed sigh.
“Don’t worry, Cole. I’m not like that. I like room service at a fancy hotel but I come from humble beginnings.”
He swam toward me but kept some distance between us. I was happy to finally see his face. “I want to touch you if that’s okay.” He asked.
“Please don’t think this is an admission of sluttiness but I was kind of hoping you would.” I laughed. It was strange when his body met mine. He was completely nude, it couldn’t be more intimate but this wasn’t sexual, it was comforting. He swam behind me and lifted my body to lie on top of his, floating in his arms but he was careful not to let anything below his waist touch me.
“Just relax, Anika. As much as I want to make love to you, I want to savor every moment before it and after it as well. I want you to trust me. I want to be your destination, not your distraction.”
Whoa!
“There doesn’t seem to be much axe-murderer potential in you so I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that I do trust you. Although, I’m a bad judge of character apparently and you’re by far the most intense person I’ve ever met.” Then I registered everything he’d actually said to me. “Pretty presumptuous to think I’d sleep with you. Although I did insinuate as much when we arrived, didn’t I?” Again, I hoped he appreciated my humor.
“You’re almost naked in my pool. You brought your toothbrush. I feel like my chances are fairly good.” I felt his cheek rise into a smile. His chest supported me in the warm water, allowing me to float weightlessly above him. His rhythmic breathing was light against my ear, his chin resting on my shoulder. “Your friend Aimes seems like a trustworthy person. Your friend at the gallery, Abe, also seems trustworthy. When it comes to matters of the heart, it’s difficult to keep one’s common sense in check.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“I haven’t held back yet, have I?”
“No” he laughed, “you haven’t. Why did you say yes to Evan?”
Whack!! Verbal assault.
I’d been thinking about this a lot myself. I was pretty sure I’d figured out the answer. It was easy. He’d asked me to marry him without me having to reveal the dark, shameful parts of myself. It seemed as soon as I did show the real me, he bailed. But it was a lie; our relationship was built on an illusion. I enjoyed his company and I did love him, or thought I did. But how can you love someone who keeps tossing you aside over and over again? If anyone had asked me yesterday or even earlier tonight if I thought I had a future with Cole, I would’ve said no. Not because I didn’t want one, but I was scared. I hadn’t held anything back from him. I wasn’t sure if it was such a good idea to keep exposing myself like this, but hiding my past was exhausting. I didn’t want to feel the pain of heart break, of real heart break. With Evan, it was easier to get over than I thought it would be. I knew with Cole it would be different. I needed to regain control of my life. Everything was fine before Evan, before Cole, before the attack. I wanted my simple life back and for that to happen, I couldn’t be vulnerable like this.
Holding out my arms, I swam away from him. This was too much. It didn’t matter if I trusted him or not. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t take the risk of him not loving me. Or worse, me thinking he did and finding out later that I was, once again, an idiot. I let the swarming thoughts in my brain get the best of me and now my panic was starting to rise and take over. I couldn’t do this. This was never going to work. What the hell was I thinking? I swam to the edge and started to get out of the water.
“Anika, please don’t go. Whatever it is, just tell me. Just talk to me. Don’t be afraid.”
“I can’t do it, Cole.” I choked out.
I didn’t turn to look back at him, I couldn’t. The tears came then, the awful, burning tears. I felt my breathing quickly get away from me and fought to stay in the moment. I’d opened myself up. I thought I could be normal. I stood in front of all those people and sang. The delayed reaction started to take hold and I was there.
“Go on then, Annie. Sing us a little song. I hear you have a wonderful singing voice. Isn’t that funny, Joe? Everyone else seems to know so much about my daughter but she doesn’t see fit to tell me, her own mother, what she’s been up to? You have all sorts of secrets, don’t you? Well then, let’s hear something. That nice teacher said you were going to be a soloist? What are you going to sing?”
“Oh Holy Night. It’s a Christmas Carol.”
“It’s a Christmas Carol” she mocked. “I want to hear it for myself before you embarrass me. Sing, you little asshole.
”
I’m so scared of her, and of Joe. I’m more scared of what will happen if I don’t sing. My voice is shaking but I begin anyway, “Oh Holy Night, the stars, the stars are…” Smack.
“Are you scared, you little shit? You can’t even do this right. They probably just feel sorry for you because you’re so ugly and stupid. Do it again!” She bellowed. I had to sing or it would be worse. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t let my voice wobble. She’s holding onto the skin under my ribs and twisting and pinching me. She does it until I start bleeding. At least Joe is only laughing this time.
“You’re not done yet, Annie. Why don’t you come into the bathroom, the acoustics are better in there.” I follow her, silent tears falling down my face. “Now, start again from the beginning. We’re going to practice until you get this right.” I’m hoping the blackness will come quicker this time. Sometimes I start to breathe really deep and everything goes black and I fall down.
“Is that better?” I dare to ask.
“Ha! You will never be good enough. You will never be worth anything. That’s why your Daddy left you here with me, so I could suffer your stupidity. He was worthless just like you.”
I wanted to ask her. I’d wanted to ask her for a long time, so I did. “Why don’t you love me?”
She threw her head back and laughed.
“No one will ever love you. You little shit. There’s nothing about you to love.”
“Joe, I need a drink. I can’t stand to look at her anymore. I’m gonna run down to the liquor store. Just watch her for a few minutes, will ya?”
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