“Of course I’ll watch Annie.”
When the door closed, always when the door closed, “Sweet, sweet Annie, so much like my Serena…do you still taste as sweet as yesterday?”
“Anika! Anika!” Breathe, just breathe for me. Slowly…remember…by the sea-side-slowly…by the sea… that’s it…I’ve got you. It’s okay, you’re safe. Just listen to my voice…”
His voice was beautiful, like a crooner trying to seduce through song or, in this case, trying to bring me back from my own personal hell.
“Anika.” He brushed the wet hair from my face and tried to keep eye contact with me. I hadn’t even realized I was looking at him. How long had I been like this? Oh my God, the embarrassment. Always an embarrassment.
“I have to go,” I said, trying to stand up, “Let me go, Cole. Please.” He held me tightly against him.
“No,” he said calmly. “I’m not going to let you go.”
“I can’t, Cole. This is too much.” I could feel the tears coming again like a storm brewing inside me. I needed to get out of there so I could fall apart in private. I needed to paint this out. Just be on my own. I was better on my own.
“Anika, don’t fight me, please. I want to help, let me help.”
“You can’t help me, I have to go now. This was a mistake. This is why I said yes to Evan. This would never have happened with Evan. I shouldn’t have tried to be something I’m not.” I struggled against him but he was too strong for me to break his hold on me.
“And what aren’t you? Tell me?”
“Please…” A sob broke through. He wasn’t letting me go, “Please, Cole.” I began to cry. “Please stop pushing me…just let me go.”
“Tell me, Anika. What aren’t you? Just say it. Say it.”
“Lovable!” I spat. He winced at my admission. The shock on his face prepared me for my departure from Cole Carlyle. I thought that would’ve done it. He’d know he was in way over his head with this chick and her baggage. Oh, and all the money he spent on my paintings. He was gonna regret that for sure. “Let me go.” I said calmly. “Aimes will come pick me up.” With all my strength I tried to get up but he held me even tighter.
“Look at me.” He demanded.
“Please just let me go now. I answered your question. I’ve had enough. This is me. I’m completely fucked up. This is why I never told Evan about my past. It’s so much easier to say I get stage fright. Why are you pushing me?” I tried to gain my freedom by pushing my legs against the deck. I didn’t even realize he’d taken me out of the pool.
“Stop fighting me. I’m not going to let you go. Do you hear me? Let’s go inside, it’s getting chilly out here.” He lifted me up and carried me into the house. Pressing a button on the wall as we entered, the fireplace came to life. He dimmed the lights, all the while holding me.
“You’re stronger than you look.” I said quietly.
“Thanks.” He smiled.
He lowered me to the floor, onto the softest lush rug I’d ever felt. He lifted the cushion on a chair behind him, took out a large throw and wrapped it around us both. I didn’t look at him. He was holding me against his side, his arms still wrapped around me.
“I don’t want to be rescued, Cole. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I hate to feel weak. Most of my life I’ve spent taking care of myself. I said yes to Evan because I was able to get away with not showing him everything. He never asked me questions like you do. He never tried to expose my pain like you do. But I know he stayed with Lisa ultimately because I didn’t tell him everything. I came here tonight because, yes, there’s a connection between us.” I turned around, suddenly aware of his nakedness, “but it’s easier for me if we just have a casual fuck and get whatever this is out of our systems.”
His intensity unnerved me. I expected him to really dislike me now. What woman says they just want to fuck, no strings attached? The perfect woman, that’s who, “It’s better this way. You get laid, I get laid, and you don’t have to deal with all this emotional bullshit…”
“Stop talking.” He cut me off abruptly.
“Excuse me?”
“I said, stop talking. You’re lying. You think I’m like every other guy you’ve encountered. I’m not. I’m falling in love with Anika Redding. You think I’d let you go that easily?” He lifted one dark eyebrow and waited for an answer.
“Since you don’t seem able to come back with any witty retort, I’ll continue. Tomorrow I’ll tell you my story, but for now I’ll tell you why I keep pursuing you. The first day in the bar, the day I was an asshole, Emma officially left me. When we were first together, I thought I loved her. I looked at her and saw a future... kids, a home, all of it. She was a very good actress, just like you. She hid the truth from me. She saw an opportunity, saw a vulnerable man and pretended to love me. Unlike you, I opened myself up to her, I told her my sad story and because of it, she broke me, but only for a little while. We’d gone to Vegas to get married. All very quick. My father had insisted on revising the ‘terms’ of our marriage contract so she couldn’t take me for millions. Instead I agreed, I compromised actually, to give her two million dollars if our marriage didn’t last, instead of a pre-nup. I never believed it would fail. She said she understood and was happy to sign a pre-nup. Apparently my father saw her for what she really was. The day I saw you at the bar was the day I hand delivered her the check for two million dollars. “Know what she said to me?”
“I’m afraid to ask.”
“’That was the easiest money I’ve ever made.’ She had absolutely no feelings for me whatsoever. I felt so stupid which was made worse when my father said, ‘I told you so’ in front of his board of directors.
So I went for a drive. I just wanted to forget the humiliation of the whole thing. My heart wasn’t exactly broken but I was embarrassed. Once I’d discovered who she really was, I just felt like a fucking idiot. I stopped randomly for a drink but only because the hotel next to your bar was up for sale. I thought I could enquire about it, maybe add it to my business, anyway, then I decided I didn’t want to work, I wanted to forget. I walked into your bar, I saw you. You told the story of your engagement with such hope but there was something else I recognized in you, a part of myself. You were a kindred soul. I wanted to see you again and you happened to have that panic attack and it confirmed it. I knew who you were; I knew what you’d suffered. I hoped that whoever that Evan guy was knew what he had and hoped he understood you. Am I freaking you out?”
“A little bit, but keep going.”
He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. “After that, I couldn’t get you out of my head, even though I knew you were spoken for. The next time I came in, you weren’t there. Lisa was. That’s when she told me…”
“She told you everything, didn’t she?” I hung my head. I knew I shouldn’t feel ashamed but I did. I was sure I always would.
“She told me enough. It was what she didn’t tell me though. Do you know why I took you to the harbor that night?”
“Indulge me.”
“She said you cared more about your paintings than people. I suspected your paintings were how you healed and I was right. She said if you paid more attention to your surroundings than your imagination, maybe it wouldn’t have happened. She was venomous. She excused herself and some man took over while she went on a break. I watched her look around and then pull another man by his collar into a room at the back. When she returned, she looked…disheveled. When that man left, she said, “bye, Evan. See you at the house.” I assume there aren’t two Evans?”
“You assume correctly. I suppose you couldn’t really tell me.”
“I could’ve but I didn’t want us to happen that way. I wanted to capture your heart, your painting, your process... your eyes. I wanted to capture you. I wanted to give you time to grieve for the love you lost but I can’t wait. I want to be with you, even with all the fucked up stuff, because I’m equally fucked. I assure you.”
“If you’re gonna
be fucked up, this is a nice place to do it.” I let my eyes wander around the room. I had to find the humor in our situation.
“Please stay. I can’t force you to stay, but please?” He tipped his forehead to rest against mine. “Spend the weekend with me. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to scream, scream. If you want to paint, I can arrange that too. Just, please don’t leave…and Anika?”
“Yes?”
“I’ve been where you are now. I promise you that whatever happened to you won’t make me love you any less.”
Whoa! His eyes and his words were pleading with me.
He said he was falling in love with me.
“Don’t ask me about my tattoo.” I said. “I’ll tell you when I’m ready.”
“Don’t ask me about my father. I’ll tell you. Eventually.”
“Don’t try to fix me. I don’t need to feel dependent on anyone.”
“Don’t break my heart, Anika and I won’t break yours.”
“Deal.”
And plain as day, I saw it; such a terrible loneliness. Maybe he was just as fucked up as I was. What a team.
Chapter 20
“Don’t go anywhere. I’m gonna get you something to wear. Promise you won’t try to leave.”
“I promise.” I held my fingers up in some sort of faux Girl Scout Symbol. He returned a few minutes later wearing one and offering me another robe.
“Here. I’ll divert my eyes.” And he did. He turned completely around and faced the windows behind us.
“Do you just keep a bunch of fluffy bath robes on hand?” I asked, wrapping myself in its fluffy goodness.
He laughed, shaking his head, “No, but I use the pool almost every day. I like getting out and putting on a robe. I’m not a pussy but it’s warmer than a towel.”
“Well, that’s a pity.” I laughed, thinking even a towel was too much clothing on him. He seemed to ignore my suggestive comment.
“I’m glad you’re feeling better. Come on. I’ll show you upstairs.” He held his hand out to me and I took it once again, letting his fingers wrap between my own. Beyond the small hallway and bathroom I’d used to change in earlier, there was a stairway. He walked slowly, moving aside so I could enter the room first.
“Oh…” I was speechless.
“You like it?” He was asking me like a child would ask about a handmade Christmas card.
“What do you think?” My eyes shot at him, my sarcasm in full swing.
“I think you like it.” He said proudly.
“You’d be right.
Wow, this is amazing.” The view was spectacular. Windows surrounded three sides of the room and there was a small balcony which wrapped around the entire floor. “You can watch the sunset in bed.”
“You sure can.”
“And you’ve never brought a girl here?”
“Well, my mom has been here. She helped with the decorating and re-modeling.” That answers that question. “The property was unfinished. I put in the flooring and had a few other features added. I needed someone aggressive to get things done quickly. No one says ‘no’ to my mother.”
“What’s that?” Something stood ominously in the corner covered with a large sheet.
“I’ll show you!” His excitement was contagious. It was also making me forget I’d had a little fit not ten minutes before.
“This” he whisked the sheet away like he was unveiling a statue “is the Meade LX850. It’s top of the line. Astronomy is a future hobby of mine. Future because I haven’t made the time to learn anything yet…aside from little things; for instance, how meteor showers get their name. I’m a cheater though. It’s computerized, so you basically punch in what you want to see and it finds it. You want the Crab Nebula? Type it in, you’re on your way. Well, that’s the idea anyway. My mother bought it for me as a house warming gift and to be honest with you, I find it a bit intimidating. I just need to sit down and read through the information and set up the program with my laptop.”
“Well, I know one stargazer who would gladly sell his autographed Rush t-shirt for it.” I smirked.
“Even with the added bows and buttons, it still wouldn’t come close to this.”
“Oh, I agree. I’m just gloating. Not that you would want to date Evan, right?” I daringly slid a finger across the shiny surface of the telescope.
“Uh, no. I dig chicks.” We both laughed while I let myself take in the rest of the room. Behind us was a king size bed, a wall behind it which housed what I assumed was another bathroom. To the left was a small door and walkway. I turned back around to see Cole was staring at me intently.
“Are you okay?” His voice was all concern and caution.
“I think so. I’m sorry…about before. I hate wishy-washy chicks; should I stay, should I go? I love him, I hate him. You must think I’m all kinds of psycho. Well, I kind of am.”
“Anika, like I said, I’ve been where you are now. The history is different and I had my mom to help me cope, but I know how it feels. I’m just a little further along in the healing or coping process, whatever you want to call it. But you have me now. I want to help if you’ll let me.”
“What are you gonna do, Cole? Follow me around all the time, in case something triggers it? In the last ten years I’ve had two panic attacks. They just happened recently and you happened to be there for both... lucky you. I know what the trigger is but the reaction is delayed. The first time it was days but this time it was hours.”
“Do you wanna tell me? About your trigger?”
“Tomorrow, Cole.”
“Let’s make a date. Tomorrow at two.”
“Okay.” I agreed.
“Tomorrow then.” He said gently. I turned to the window. Who knows if I’d even make it through another emotion-filled night with him? I wanted to enjoy this though, commit it to memory. Looking out to the black Pacific, I wondered what song would be the accompaniment if I painted this memory. Nothing came to mind. At the moment, I felt peace. It was the calm after the storm. I knew he was behind me.
His hands reached around my waist, untied the large sash and pulled the robe from my shoulders. Once again, it fell to my feet leaving me exposed. His hands held me firmly and, for a few moments, he said and did nothing. As his grip softened, I felt his lips touch just lightly on the back of my neck and slowly, they descended my back, trailing the ink that told my story. His fingertips journeyed down my arms, his nails brushing my skin, sending chills through my body. When he moved them to my hips I felt a warm swell of anticipation in my belly and an ache between my legs. His hands and his fingers left nothing behind, sweeping across my legs and ass, reaching between them but never going any farther.
I let out a sigh, my signal to him that this was okay, more than okay. His touch was so different to Evan’s or Gerry’s, different to any lover I’d ever had. There was nothing meaningless about it.
My eyes closed and he physically disappeared. The abandonment I felt was palpable until his lips met mine for the first time. Startled, I opened my eyes to see him staring at me. He lifted his hand to my cheek, “So beautiful and you don’t even know it.” His soft full lips parted mine and explored my mouth, kissing me like I had never, ever been kissed before. I felt it everywhere. The sea had gone quiet and the only thing I heard were the sounds we made – jagged breaths, little sighs and moans growing more intense…all from a kiss. His hands were only on my face. He was still handling me cautiously, taking his time so he wouldn’t scare me like a wild animal he’d captured.
I knew he was holding back and part of me admired his efforts but something in me took over. Every emotion I’d had in the last twenty-four hours took over; the list was growing all the time, and I suddenly couldn’t get close enough to him. I deepened our kiss roughly and pressed my body against his. His erection stood between us, pressing directly against my sex.
Standing in the middle of his palatial bedroom, I had to ask, “Have you been tested since Emma?”
“What?” he gasp
ed, tearing his lips from mine. I was struggling to get the question out and not let myself go beyond my last bit of reason.
“Have you been tested? Are you clean?”
He stopped for a moment and we stood there, panting and trying to catch our breath like we’d just finished a marathon.
“Yes, all good…you?”
“Absolutely. I got tested a few days after we broke up. Oh and I have that implant thingy. God, it makes me sound like a stray you picked up at the pound!”
“Best investment I’ve ever made.” And with that business out of the way, once again we became a tangle of arms and legs and lips and hands. Lowering me to the carpet, he propped himself above me, straddled over my legs. “Where have you been?” His hands ran through my hair, then with one hand, he brushed my cheek lightly with tips of his fingers. Everything slowed, his dark hair hanging onto his forehead he moved his fingers to my lips caressing them with his thumb. “I hope you don’t change your mind.”
Me too.
Even though our passion for each other had been ignited, he seemed to relish every touch between us, as if he was afraid this would be his only opportunity to have me, to “make love to me” as he put it. But with each slow thrust, each time I felt him sink into me, I felt more and more that this was where I belonged. I was grateful he didn’t let me leave. I held his hips, keeping him still inside, taking my own moment being connected to him in every sense of the word. I ran my hand up his chest, pulled him to my mouth and bit his nipple gently, moving my hips slowly and grinding him deeper.
“Anika, if you don’t stop that soon…” he tensed, little beads of sweet gathering on his throat.
“Don’t worry, Cole, we have all weekend.” My decision well and truly made, I bucked against him, only needing that small amount of friction to send me over the edge.
“Oh, God. Now, Cole. Now!” I cried out, digging my nails into his back, I was sure I’d left marks on him.
“Ah fuck, Anika.” With one final thrust, he was done but apparently not finished. He continued to slowly move while my body quaked with aftershocks, “Do you need a minute to recover?” He smirked.
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