“Cole.” I put my finger to his lips. “You don’t have to say anything more. Let me get my head around everything.” I gave him a little smile. My first reaction was to squeal and throw my arms around him. That was followed by wanting to run screaming as if I was on fire.
“Just consider it.” He said when I took my hand away.
Then reality hit me.
“Wait, so we’re clear…you’re not asking me to…”
“Do you want me to answer that question? Because I feel like I might be right on the edge of freaking you out again.”
“Right. Well, I better get ready and make a phone call.”
He hopped out of bed and shed his pajama pants…better than Chris Isaak. “I’ll see you in the shower.” He said on his way out of the room, very comfortable with his nakedness. “Tell Aimes I said ‘Hi’.’’
“Well, after that display, it’ll be a cold one.” I laughed and called after him.
Once safely tucked away inside his bathroom, I called Aimes.
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t M.I.A. Anika.”
“Aimes?”
“Yes?”
“Too soon to be in love?” Her squeal almost broke my ear drum.
“Oh, tell me everything…wait, where is he? No, wait, wait, okay, tell me, go.” I loved it when she got so excited she couldn’t make up her mind.
“I have to make it quick. We’re having brunch with his mom at eleven. First of all, his mom? Awesome. I met her last night at this cocktail thing, black tie; she lent me her earrings…real sapphires, Aimes. Real. They were huge and heavy and she told me to keep them! Second, his dad…biggest asshole I have ever met in my life, hands down. I had a showdown with him and left him speechless. You would’ve been so proud of me. His mom called after we left and she told Cole he should marry me. That’s what he said anyway. And dude, he’s been dropping all these hints about the future and how it would be when we’re married. He’s wonderful and the sex, oh my God, the sex, Aimes, is amazzzzing! Oh! And he has baggage too.” I said it offhandedly, like it was no big deal.
“What kind of baggage?”
“When it’s okay to tell you, I will. You know that.”
“Fair enough. So, in love?”
“Let me put it this way. I have no hesitation at all telling him anything about my past. I don’t feel any shame when I talk about it with him. After Friday night in the pool when I freaked out, I don’t know, something shifted in me. He didn’t give up; he just kept pushing me to get the answers from me. So happy I didn’t marry Evan. I feel like I should send him and Lisa on a cruise to thank them.”
“Well, you could, I suppose. Or you could come to Vegas with Gus and me when we get hitched next month. I mean, if you’re gonna start throwing around cash…”
“You’re…you’re serious?”
“Yep. You should’ve seen him, Inky. He was so sweet about it. He made these big paper stars and laid them on our pillow and wrote, this star doesn’t want to be ‘lone no more. He was going for that whole Texas lone-star theme. Anyway, he asked me if I wanted the big wedding thing and I called my mom and asked if she’d be bummed and she said no. That shocked the hell out of me. I blue tacked the stars on the wall above the bed. So cute.”
“So I guess in answer to my question, you don’t think it’s too quick?”
“If it’s right, it’s right. Life’s too short to be scared all the time.” I could hear in her voice that she was beaming.
“I’m really happy for you, Aimes. I like Gus and I love seeing you guys together. It’s like you’ve been together for fifty years.”
“I know. He’s just, he’s perfect.” I knew she was smiling.
“I know the feeling.”
“Should we make that a double Vegas wedding? Maybe they have some kind of two-fer deal and they throw in a free buffet or something?”
“Uh, no. However, he did ask me to stay and he set up a make-shift studio here. Oh, can I borrow Gus’s truck this afternoon? I wanted to take that painting to the gallery. And I need to pick up some stuff if I’m really gonna spend some more time with him. He has bought me this beautiful lingerie... Aimes, you would go crazy over it. Wow, I have so much to tell you I don’t even know where to begin.’
“Okay, well, first things first, you need to get ready. Time’s a wastin’.”
“Aimes, I think we fit. He’s…it’s like I met my actual soul-mate or something. And he loves me, or he thinks he does and he’s pretty damn convincing about it.”
“I’m smiling really big over here. Gus is looking at me like I’m an idiot.”
“I doubt that. Okay, I better go. I am so happy for you guys. Whatever you want me to do, let me know.”
“Okay. We’ll leave the keys for the truck on the kitchen counter.”
“Love you.”
“Love you too, Ink.”
***
Half an hour later, Cole knocked on the bathroom door, “How’s it going in there?” He never did join me in the shower.
“Did you measure me in my sleep or something? Everything fits perfectly.”
“I took a lucky guess. Can I see?”
I opened the door just after I’d pulled my hair back into a practical ponytail. “What do you think?”
“You look great. It’s what you’d normally wear, right?”
“Well, yes. That Anthony has been a busy boy, hasn’t he?”
“If you hadn’t stayed I could’ve returned them. I was hopeful. I saw you’d only brought a few things.”
“Well, I appreciate you being seen in public with me wearing Old Navy clothing.”
“You wound me, Anika. I’m wearing cargos from…well, I’m not sure but it’s not important. I wear a suit during the week because I often have to meet someone for something. Anyway, it’s fine.”
“So, what did Aimes say?” He sat on the edge of the tub while I put on a little makeup.
“She and Gus are officially engaged. Oh, wanna be my date? They’re getting married in Vegas though. I hope that’s not weird for you.”
“Will you be there?”
“I’m gonna assume I’m the Maid of Honor.”
“Then it’ll be great.”
“What else did you talk about?” His eyebrows both rose.
“Fishing, are we?”
“Honestly? Yes.” He smiled.
I’d been looking at his reflection in the mirror but now I turned around to face him. “I told her I wouldn’t be home this week.”
His face lit up and grew more handsome if that was even possible.
“Would you mind taking me down there to get Gus’s truck? I’ll load the painting and bring it to the gallery, then take the truck back later. I know it’s a lot of back and forth and…”
“I don’t care what we do. The important thing is I get to hang out with you.”
“Cole, are you up there?” It was Patricia. Right on time.
“We’ll be right down.” He stood up and kissed me on the cheek. “I loved waking up and knowing you were next to me. I’ll go keep mom entertained. Take your time.”
“I’ll be right down.” I was ready. I just couldn’t believe my luck. If he hadn’t come into the bar that day, none of this would be happening. I hoped I could keep him. Make him happy. Not freak out again.
“There she is.” I suspected Cole hadn’t stopped smiling since he left me upstairs.
“Come here you wonderful thing!” She took me in her arms and squeezed the life out of me. “God, thank you for coming into our lives, Anika. We better get going. We’ll talk on the way.”
***
We were seated outside. The ocean breeze was light and wonderful as the noon sun began to settle over us. “Oh, he was completely taken aback. I don’t know how you did it but I was convinced you must be some kind of Jeopardy champion with those little useless bits of information.”
“Honestly? I had a little help from Google in the car on the way there.” I confessed.
“And here I thought you were texting someone. Clever girl.”
***
It wasn’t long before we were seated and Trish dove right into another conversation.
“We are now allies and I feel confident I can trust you. Am I correct in thinking that?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Oh, psh! Call me Trish. We’re friends now. What I’m gonna tell you stays between the three of us, Anika. You must promise me your discretion.”
She was kinda scaring the hell out of me so I was going to promise anything. “Of course. I promise. I’ll pinkie swear too if you want.”
“That won’t be necessary. Cole, go get some Mimosas or something and take a really long time doing it. Give us girls a chance to chat, will you?”
He laughed and stood up, “So subtle, mom. Of course.” He left the table, but not before kissing me on the mouth before God and everyone.
Patricia watched her son walk away before she spoke. “He likes you.”
“It seems that way.” I grinned stupidly.
“No dear, I mean, he loves you.” It could’ve been her intense gaze or her words but my insides were doing that jumpy thing again. Swooning. If I’d been standing, there would’ve been swooning.
“I believe the feeling’s mutual. Although it’s new, you know.”
“Not for him. At first I worried he was on ‘the rebound’ (she air-quoted) but I don’t think he loved Emma. I think he was just tired of being alone.” She took my hand and held it. I knew she was going to say something serious but I wasn’t sure what. I prepared myself for the emotional slam.
“He told you what happened?” She said discretely.
“You mean…?”
“His wrists?”
I was so happy she didn’t say suicide attempt. I had no problem discussing it openly with Cole, but this was new uncharted territory.
“Did he tell you why?” Oh, deep breath.
“The why doesn’t matter to me…Trish.”
“He said you were different. He also said you have your own demons and he thought when he did tell you, that you’d understand.”
“He was right about that.” Alone with his mom who knew everything and she seemed more than willing to speak openly with me. I might as well take advantage of the situation.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.” She said taking a sip of water from her glass and letting my hand go.
“This feels perfect and it’s scary and intense and I know it was a long time ago but do you think he, he said he wouldn’t, but do you think he wouldn’t try to…”
“Do it again?”
“Yes.” I said it in such a small, timid voice, I hardly recognized myself.
“The short answer is no. The more in-depth answer and the reason I wanted to be alone with you is this: I hated Emma. I hated everything she stood for and I saw her for the wolf in sheep’s clothing she is. Last night, I saw who you are. You’re no wolf and you’re not a sheep either. You’re a beautiful girl that has stolen my boy’s heart. He needs a partner, an ally, someone in his court and aside from me, Olaf and Olaf’s father, he has never had that. Especially from the one person that should’ve been that for him; his own father.
Whew!
“Anika, I’m a pretty good judge of character and nothing in life is certain but I wanted you to know what you’re getting into. If it’s too much, well…” I was happy she didn’t continue that thought.
“I get it. I can honestly say he helps me as much as I help him.” What exactly was I committing to? I pondered that a moment until I wondered, “Did he tell you about the painting?”
“Not exactly. He said you would tell me someday. He said it was something you should tell me together. It’s quite beautiful though. You have a wonderful vision.”
“Thank you. And I will tell you, Patricia.”
“You better go get him. He must be panicking somewhere by now.”
Interesting choice of words.
I found him at the bar, drinking some sort of juice concoction, “She said I should come get you.”
“Did she give you the whole, he needs a partner in life and, oh by the way, did he tell you why he tried to off himself speech?”
“As a matter of fact…are you wearing a wire or something?”
“No, but I know my mom.”
I smiled at him. I wasn’t scared at all by her abruptness because it came from a place of love. She cared about her son and what happened to him. One day I’d tell him how lucky he was to have that.
Once back at the table, brunch was casual and carefree as was the conversation. It was like we did this every Sunday morning. I could see how easy it would be to fall into this lifestyle. Not the fancy parties and chauffeured cars but the fact that I could be someone’s true partner and he could be mine. The fact his mom liked me helped too. More than that, it was being with Cole. No matter where we were or what we did, in only a couple of days, he seemed to break down my reservations about protecting my heart.
“Sorry, Anika, are you with us dear?” I must’ve been zoning out.
“Wow, you must be rubbing off on me Cole.” I was joking, it was a joke but I’d unknowingly hit a nerve. Both Patricia and Cole looked at me like I was an asshole. “Oh.” I said in a small voice, “God, I didn’t mean anything by that. I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”
His brow furrowed but with a sympathetic smile he took my hand, “It’s okay, really. Anika, you don’t have to apologize.”
Mom was a different story. “Has this been happening a lot, Cole?” She looked between us for an answer.
“In the last ten years, mom, not that often. But one of those times happened to be last night on our way back home.”
“And how did you deal with it?”
Hmm, how to answer that one?
“Anika and I have a kind of deal. She knows my trigger and I know hers.”
“But you’ve seen your father several times and that hasn’t happened.”
“Mom, I’d love to tell you that’s true, but I’ve just learned how to deal with it better. I didn’t intentionally not tell you but I needed to learn how to cope on my own. You can’t always be there and I didn’t have anyone else. Until now, that is.” The look he gave me was a mix of hope, fear and love. I could honestly say I was feeling all three and I was fine with that.
“So, Anika. What did you do?” She dabbed the sides of her mouth and settled in for a nice long chat.
“You mean when he got…dark?”
“Yes.”
“Well….?” I just kinda let the word hang out there for her to draw her own conclusion.
“So, sex is now the answer? Well, I suppose it’s a good enough distraction as any. Although I think you should really talk to someone, Cole.” She turned to me. “And did he do the same thing for you? I assume you’ve had an experience that required him to ‘help’ you?” You’d think this would be an awkward conversation but it felt almost clinical, like I was talking to a therapist or something. I did want it to end though.
“Trish, I want to tell you this and get it out of the way so we don’t have to talk about it again. I’m not trying to be rude, it’s just not something I want to dwell on. I know I have P.T.S.D. I try to think of having an anxiety attack like having diabetes. If my blood sugar is too low, give me some juice. In this case, the second time I saw Cole, I had an ‘episode’ or ‘attack’ and he gave me a tool I’ve used twice since. That painting? The one he bought that hangs in his beautiful home? I had an attack at work one day and he sang me a song and told me when he was little you sang it to him to soothe him. I had to use that song in a very real, very serious situation I’m not going to discuss right now. But it allowed me to cope and get through it and I have you to thank for that. Now, can we please talk about something else before I freak out in the middle of this beautiful restaurant?” I felt my body start to shake nervously.
Cole and Patricia Carlyle each had one of my hands. Trish’s eyes
were wet with tears and Cole’s were hidden behind sunglasses.
“I’m sorry, maybe I should go. I’m sorry Cole. Mrs. Carlyle, sometimes my filter doesn’t work very well. I…” Me and my big mouth. I started this entire debacle and here we were having such a nice time together. I’d been imagining this sparkling, shiny future with my gorgeous husband and super mother-in-law. Less than a minute ago I was absolutely fine. Now I was about to drown once again. I could feel the little waves of panic begin to boil in me. What the fuck started this? Oh yeah, that fucking asshole, Joe, and my fucking evil mother. Was it always gonna be like this? I tried to stop it. I thought if I just got it all out there and cut her off at the pass, just be honest and get this little fact of my life out of the way, everything would be smooth sailing from here on out. I was wrong. The thrum of sound was like cymbals crashing around my head, every sound of the restaurant amplified, the conversations of every other normal person around me, the sick feeling making me want to crawl out of my own skin. But a sweet voice, like an angel or something was becoming louder and clearer now…
“By the seaside ”…my eyes hurt…“By the sea … Anika?” Her voice was sweet and soft and gentle and all those things my mother never was. “Anika? Just take a deep breath, dear. Come on back to us. We’ve got you. Come on back now.” A glass was being held to my lips with juice. “Nothing to see here folks.” I heard her say as I drank the juice. “Her blood sugar just got a little low.” I could hear the smile in her voice.
When I had my faculties back, the embarrassment set in. “Oh. My. God. I’m so sorry!”
“Dear Anika. First of all, don’t you dare apologize…you’re exactly where you should be, sweetie. And second, Cole was right, you two are gonna be just fine.”
Neither one of them let go of me. I swallowed my infinitesimal pride and decided maybe it was okay for me to be vulnerable now and then. Maybe it was all just part of the healing process or something.
Chapter 27
Trish dropped Cole and me off at his house. He opened the front door and I went inside while he and his mom talked for a while. I went through the normal gamut of emotions: guilt, embarrassment, shame. Aimes always told me I didn’t have any reason to feel those things with her, that it was all totally fine but it didn’t matter what she said. It didn’t change the way I felt. I could only imagine what they were talking about so instead of eavesdropping, I decided to go upstairs.
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