Beneath Innocence (Deception #2.5)

by Ker Dukey

  “I understand that, Martha, honestly I do but maybe those choices were the very reason for the agony you were in.”

  I smile softly at Chris and reach my hand out for her as I allow the tears to trickle free. I should allow them, they only padlocked down my emotions and to set them free allowed me to challenge my thoughts. “One of my milestones was facing how I feel about Jenson.”

  “Well that’s good right?” Mary asks.

  My heart hurt, the pain making my veins feel restrictive to my blood flow. “It’s too late for me now. Jenson has made his choice.”

  “Only because he thought he couldn’t have you, Martha. Freaking hell, you can’t just give up. That’s not you!”

  “No, that was the old me. The new me needs to take life as it comes now and not expect too much. I need to breathe through each day and make it without falling back into old habits of coping.”

  “You do know that he’s not marrying that girl?” Chris asks me quietly.

  “What?”

  She shakes her head firmly, her eyes widening on me. “That was just a joke apparently, something to feed to the dogs when they were hounding them while out shopping. Jenson isn’t getting married, just as much as you aren’t over him.”

  I wasn’t sure how to tackle the quickening beat of my heart. “I thought…”

  “As per usual, you thought wrong, you should know how crazy the press is and all the lies they get fed.”

  “That doesn’t mean he still wants me, he’s over me. Hell, he did the unthinkable for me and I just…”

  “He did what?”

  Shaking my head, dismissing her questioning, I rub my eyes, not sure how to take this little revelation. “It doesn’t matter. It’s too late, and if fate wants us to be together, then we’ll see.”

  Mary scowls at me, scoffing angrily as she folds her arms over her chest at my resigned attitude.

  “So, what happens now?” Chris asks as she takes a mouthful of her wine.

  “Well,” I smile back, “It’s not over yet. It will be a long road but I’m in a good place, ready to face life and… my problems.”

  Mary smiles, quickly getting over our quarrel and squeezes my hand. “I’m glad. We missed you.”

  “I have a few jobs lined up.” Sensing my hesitancy they both frown at me. “In California.”

  They both blanch but Mary sighs. “Martha, you are more than ready for that. Your life was back there and you need to accept that and deal with it head on and you can’t do that from here. You can’t let them win, hun. Have you talked to your therapist about how you’re feeling?”

  I nod. “Yes, she says it would test me but she thinks I’m ready.”

  “Well you still have your apartment there, your dad kept it maintained. That’s one less thing to worry about,” Mary offers.

  It was a worry though, that apartment was where my nightmare began but the crippling fear that was once there at the thought of going back to my apartment isn’t as powerful as it once was. I steal a glance at her, my eyes narrow but there’s a smile on my face. “Anyone would think you want me to go.”

  She shrugs. “Well,” she winks at me, “you were handy for vacations.”

  I reach across the table and slap at her. She laughs but grabs my hand. “Seriously Martha, Chris and I are behind you one hundred percent. Hell, if you want us to come back with you, you know we would.”

  “I know,” I whisper, my heart swelling with love for my friends. “But this is something I have to do on my own.”

  And it was. To wake up from your nightmares, you had to face them, accept them. And surprisingly, I was actually ready for that, to take the next step and to put the shit behind me.

  My attack in places that would haunt me forever wasn’t exactly the problem and finally facing up to it, I felt my heart tighten at the thought of once again seeing Jenson.

  He’d booked himself into rehab after my accident. My dad had filled me in how Jenson had been at the hospital. I still wasn’t too sure why. He hated me surely, he must do after I dumped him after what he had done for me.

  I was glad he’d undergone treatment, it proved to me that he was still the strong man I had fell in love with. I knew I had treated him worse than dog shit, but my mother had always taught me, ‘treat them mean, Martha. If they’re still there after then you know they’ll still be there to hold your hand on your death bed.’

  And Jenson had been there through it all, he’d even killed for me. And the guilt I felt from that was unreal, consuming. I’d sent him on the path of drugs, whores and destruction. I knew his nightmares would be as real as mine, who wouldn’t suffer the aftereffects of killing someone. Jenson had the heart of a lion but the gentleness of a lamb, that’s what had made me fall in love with him, even though I tried so hard not to and lied to myself and him about the fact I was completely consumed with loving him.

  I just hoped I hadn’t destroyed the good parts of him.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Laying it all on the line

  Blue

  “What do you think?” Melissa the hairstylist asks. I look in the mirror and inhale; the girl looking back at me isn’t the broken girl who needed to cut herself to cope with the feeling of drowning in the aftermath of a violent crime. I wasn’t the old Blue either, I was the new Blue, a woman who had overcome darkness and learned to live through the shadows, breathe through the lost feeling and hold on to the hope I would one day feel happiness once again, like I did in the arms of Jenson.

  My black hair feathers around to frame my face, highlighting my high cheekbones, the best of my features. The striking blue streak through the side makes me smile and I reach forward to touch the image.

  “I love it.” I tell her.

  ****

  Dad had already shipped all my belongings here for me, I’d accumulated a lot of junk over the two years I hadn’t been here. My nerves were causing my hand to shake, my key jingling in my hand as I try to steady it to insert it in the lock.

  I had already disabled the alarm for the movers via my laptop. I didn’t have Greg or anyone else tailing me anymore despite Dad nearly stroking out at the thought of me being out there without protection. I had to let him give me a hand gun for my purse and lessons on how to shoot the balls first and then the head and I was good at shooting which made him proud.

  CLICK

  The door slowly opens with a push of my hand. I expect to be engulfed in memories paralysing me but I wasn’t. It’s like walking into the past but there was no fear, and that fact was nearly enough to make me collapse in relief.

  Dropping my purse on the counter I smile to myself, I can hear music faintly through the wall adjoining my apartment with the one next door that was always empty in the years I lived here. An artist owned it and only used it for storage. I follow the sound and place my ear against the wall. My heart stampedes in my chest when I recognize the voice accompanying the music; they’re listening to Beneath Innocence’s track, Blue. Fate had a way of dropping hints and my plan was to seek out Jenson, beg his forgiveness and tell him how grateful I was to him for everything he did for me but I was putting it off, using excuses because I was terrified of his rejection, which is ironic because that’s all I offered him time and time again.

  I startle when there’s a soft tap on my door and a note is pushed underneath it. What the hell? I walk over and pick the piece of paper up.

  Welcome neighbor,

  Hope the music isn’t too loud but I love this song it’s about an incredible woman I call Blue.

  Butterflies take flight in my stomach at the words written and I need to shake my head and reread to make sure I’m reading it right. I open the door and meekly peer outside but no one is there. The music however is louder due to the door being open next door. I take the few steps separating our front doors and it’s then I realize the music is live and acoustic and… Jenson.

  I go inside, tears flood my eyes and fall, wetting my checks; he’s sitting on a stool in the
centre of the apartment playing his guitar and singing.

  ‘I’m scratching, clawing at the surface but you’re impenetrable. Your taste on my tongue, your scent on my skin but your mind you won’t let me in.

  Let me inside, let me see you stripped of your mask, no more don’t tell, no more don’t ask.

  I want to swim in you but I’m drowning in the blue hue.’

  My arms wrap around my own waist to comfort and ground myself to this moment. His beautiful eyes look up to mine and an amazingly cheeky smile graces his lips, making my heart skip and then drum in my chest.

  “What are you doing?” I ask, confused.

  He winces at my words but puts down the guitar and strides towards me, unclenching my hands from around my waist to take them in his palms. He guides me to the stool he just vacated and in autopilot I let him. He drops down to his knees in front of me and keeps my hands in his.

  “I know back when we used to fool around that, that was all it was to you Blue, but to me it was so much more, you were in my skin, in my blood, I couldn’t think straight because I was so consumed in you. I know you felt it, I’m not good at hiding that shit and I didn’t want to, but you weren’t there with me.”

  I can’t speak, the lump in my throat is restricting my vocal cords.

  “When those motherfuckers stole and hurt you, I’ve never felt rage so overwhelming and guilt so unbearable. It destroyed a part of me because I could kill them but I couldn’t give you back the piece of your soul that horrific attack stole from you.” Tears mist his eyes making the blue look like diamonds.

  “All I’ve ever wanted is for you to let me in, let me love you because I do so fucking much. I know that’s hard for you and why you run from it but I can’t let you keep running Blue. If you feel even a fraction of what I feel for you then I need you to be brave and let us explore this. We can go as fast or as slow as you like but we need to do this, we need to try and see if what I feel is something you can feel too?”

  It looks almost painful for him to speak, his face is contorting as he speaks and the long lashes complementing those eyes of his are moist with his tears and it’s freaking heart breaking. How can he still have feelings for me? God and how can he not know how I’m combusting with love for him?

  I fall forwards into him, knocking him backwards with an oomph, my body covers his, his eyes widening. I waste no more time, I bring my face to his and kiss his full lips, nipping and biting until I’m gasping for breath. I pull away and gaze down at him,

  “I feel all those things for you, I love you and I’m so sorry for never having the courage to tell you that.” He searches my face for the truth of my words and a relieved breath leaves him, his eyes close and a small tear leaks free. I kiss it away and make a promise to myself to never hurt this man again, to never stop loving him and to always tell him I love him.

  Chapter Fourteen

  This is it

  Jenson

  Six Months Later

  I look the mirror and adjust my tie for the fortieth time that morning.

  Faye slaps at my hands and rearranges my tie for the fortieth time. “Will you stop!?”

  “I can’t help it,” I mumble. “It’s strangling me.”

  “It’s not strangling you,” she grumbles with a stern face. “It’s you that keeps strangling yourself.”

  The door opens and Kenny pops his head round. “The target is in the building.”

  I glare at him. “It’s not a Bond movie, Ken.”

  His face drops as though disappointed with my chastisement. Offering no more words he disappears and closes the door.

  Cade turns to me. “Ready?”

  “Oh yeah.”

  He nods. Faye nods. And my knees buckle.

  “You’re ready for this, you’ve wanted this since forever so suck it up and be a man,” Faye barks. Both Cade and me look at each other and then back to her in shock, she just shrugs and places her hands on her hips. Wow she was feisty today.

  “Good luck with her later,” I whisper to Cade and he nods in agreement.

  “I heard that,” Faye calls and we both hurry from the room. This was it, fuck I was going to surprise Blue with a wedding. She hated all the girly stuff and ever since I asked her to marry me last month her girlfriends had been driving her insane with requests of letting them help plan it and what she needs to do and where it needs to be, so I planned to surprise her, having it today at least that way she couldn’t get cold feet and bolt.

  I grin to myself at the thought of hunting her down, throwing her over my shoulder and carrying her down the aisle. I look up at my best man and see he’s lost in his own thoughts and there’s a huge fucking grin on his face too.

  “What you thinking about?” I ask

  “Faye, I love it when she’s all feisty and shit, means she’s going to want it rough in bed tonight and weddings always make her extra horny.”

  I’m not touching that one.

  “This is it, love you man and in an hour you’ll be in the married man circle.”

  “I can’t wait.” I say and mean it.

  He shakes his head. “Man who would of thought it. Damn, good luck, not that you’ll need it.” He grasps me in his embrace and then makes his way to where everyone else is waiting.

  Chapter fifteen

  Service is resumed

  Blue

  My eyes grow as I take in the high ceilings, the grand staircase and the monstrous furniture placed expertly around the foyer.

  “Miss Grant,” the hotel owner gestures towards a door to the side with his arm. “It’s the main ballroom we have the problem.”

  “And what exactly is the problem?” I ask still peering in awe around the wide open space.

  “I think it’s the rear window they keep breaking in,” he discloses with a sigh. “We’ve reinforced it time and time again to no avail. We’ve upgraded our security systems but even they don’t keep them out. Someone recommended you and I’m hoping you can finally install a system that keeps the place secure.”

  My brows lift this was quite a minor problem and minor job for me, if he wanted to keep their safe secure I could do them a great set up but the money they were offering was to appealing to turn down.

  “If you’ll follow me.”

  I nod, moving behind him. Something didn’t seem right. It was a hotel but it was deadly quiet. Numerous cars had been parked in the parking lot so where the hell were the patrons? My insides curdled slightly and a fear I’d battled hard to keep from taking over for a long time began to simmer.

  He swung open huge double doors and my eyes widened further. The room was decorated in whites and blues, the soft detail to rows upon rows of chairs simply breath-taking.

  “Oh wow, this is a stunning room,” I offer and look at him to gauge his demeanour.

  He nods and turns to smile at me. “Yes, we have a wedding in here this afternoon, so I’m rather eager to get started.” He points towards a large window at the back of the room and I follow him across the floor.

  A small platform with a rustic white wood backdrop is situated in front of the window and we have to walk around it to get to the problematic break in point.

  I frown at the frame, running my finger along it to check for draughts. A noise behind me makes me jump and I turn around. Mr Trafford, the hotel owner, coughs loudly and rolls his eyes, “Sorry, damn tickle has been driving me nuts.”

  The hairs on the back of my neck stand upright making me shiver. “Mr Trafford…” He smiles widely and nods, then coughs again when another noise behind the podium attracts my attention and I tilt my head to listen better. “I’m not sure what the problem is. This window is sealed tightly. There is no evidence of any break in at all.”

  He cringes when I glare at him, my narrow eyes fixed heatedly on him. My heart was beating too fast but no way would I ever be that little timid woman again. Pulling my purse higher onto my shoulder I slip my hand inside, curling my fingers around the gun my dad had insisted I
carry with me. I’d argued at first but right now I was mentally thanking him.

  “Oh,” he shakes his head and laughs falsely. “I think it’s the window in the other ballroom. How stupid am I?”

  I regard him, watching the flush creep over his cheeks as his fingers twitch nervously. He stumbles back when I pull the gun from my purse and point it at his head. All the color in his face drains away as he shoots his hands up in the air. “Miss Grant, please…” he begs as he takes a step backwards. “You don’t understand.”

  “You’re hiding something, you motherfucker. Who are you working for?”

  His mouth opens and closes as he gasps for air like a damn fish. “Please no!” he whimpers but then shouts. “PLEASE PUT THE GUN AWAY.”

  I gasp when the board of the podium wobbles and then a curtain next to it falls and Jenson sits in a tux on a stool, his guitar sat in place on his lap, what the hell?

  “You’re everything I dreamed of, you’re that and more.

  You light up the darkness; you’re molded to my core.

  The kiss of your breath, the stride in your step,

  The sound of your laugh is sound to be kept.

  The hiss of you pleasure, the sound of your heart,

  It’s always been you baby, right from the start.

  I’m tethered to you, wrapped up in Blue.

  My soul is yours and I’ll always be true,

  I love you more with each passing breath,

  I’ll love you forever even in death.

  Say yes again baby, don’t make me blue; I’m here to marry you.”

  I’m crying again, when did I become this emotional woman? I’m about to rush towards him but people begin appearing in front of me. Faye holds up a dress and my mouth drops. “We’re getting married now?” I ask, astonished.