The Missing Husband

by Amanda Brooke

  ‘Thanks, Mum,’ Steve said with a half laugh.

  Irene turned around to find Steve at the door wiping his yellow stained hands on a rag. ‘Oh, you know what I mean.’

  ‘If that’s the way you feel then I might disappear along with him.’

  From the way he winced, Steve was already regretting his thoughtless words but it was too late. Irene had turned away again and they both watched as her body tensed. Her son came over and wrapped her tightly in his arms before kissing the top of her head. ‘Sorry, Mum. That was a stupid thing to say.’

  Jo felt distinctly uncomfortable as she watched the exchange between mother and son, partly because she imagined Steve’s spattered overalls smearing yellow paint over his mother’s cardigan but mostly because the devotion on display was something she couldn’t imagine sharing with her own child, not any more. She felt impossibly disconnected from the foetus growing inside her. The only connection they shared now was the responsibility for David’s disappearance.

  16

  ‘He’s done a good job, I’ll give him that,’ Liz said.

  Jo remained on the threshold while her mother stepped into the nursery, which was bathed in rare winter sunshine. The bedroom furniture wasn’t new but had been transformed with a fresh coat of brilliant white paint that was almost as dazzling as the bright yellow walls. The double bed had gone, replaced by the cot Sally had given Jo. Irene had laid out the bedding and attached the mobile Liz had bought from the charity shop as a finishing touch.

  ‘Hmm, I suppose,’ Jo said, staring at the sunflowers dangling over the empty cot. Their mocking smiles seemed to know how hard she was trying not to think of the day when the room would be filled with baby smells rather than paint and turpentine.

  Liz pulled open the wardrobe door. It was packed tightly with suitcases, sunhats and ski equipment. Horrified, she started pulling open the drawers to the dresser. ‘You haven’t cleared anything out yet! Where are all the baby things? Please don’t say you haven’t got anything yet, Jo.’

  ‘Yes, of course I have. It’s all in the garage.’

  ‘You’ve left baby clothes in the garage to get all damp and mouldy?’

  ‘Sally sealed them in bags and it’s not like I won’t wash everything beforehand.’

  ‘Sally? You mean you’re relying on hand-me-downs for everything? Have you bought any new clothes?’

  Jo shrugged. ‘Let’s hope it’s a boy.’

  ‘It’s not good enough, Jo. You, of all people, should be prepared by now.’ Liz was shaking her head as she checked her watch. ‘We’ve still got a few hours before the pantomime starts, why don’t we cram in a bit of shopping first?’

  Jo folded her arms and refused to move. ‘Hand-me-downs are no different than buying things from charity shops,’ she said, glancing over at the cot mobile. ‘And I can’t afford to go shopping, in case you’ve forgotten. I’m perfectly happy to make do and mend, Mum.’

  Liz clenched her jaw but she couldn’t hold back her opinion for long. ‘I know we’re all supposed to keep our thoughts to ourselves until we know exactly what’s happened to David and why, but that man has a lot to answer for! He is one selfish bastard!’

  Jo gasped in shock. It wasn’t as if she had never heard her mother swear, but it was a rare event and she had certainly never heard her curse a member of her own family before; until recently David had been a much-loved and well-respected son-in-law. ‘I expect that kind of language from Lauren but not from you,’ she said.

  ‘But doesn’t it make you angry, Jo?

  ‘It did,’ Jo admitted. ‘It still does. But I don’t have the energy to hold on to that kind of anger, not after two months. I’m exhausted – and besides, there’s still room for doubt.’

  ‘There’s no room at all, Joanne. The police have all but stopped the search.’

  ‘I didn’t see his face, Mum. It might not have been David at the cash machine.’

  ‘But it was David who withdrew £3,000 before he disappeared with his passport,’ Liz reminded her.

  ‘Yes it was, and I can’t explain why he did that, but after speaking to Irene, she’s made me remember the man I fell in love with, the one who wouldn’t run away and do this to his family. The David I know wouldn’t leave at all. So until I have absolute certainty, I’m never going to stop tying myself up in knots trying to find the answers to an endless list of questions.’

  ‘Maybe it’s time you started asking yourself some new questions, then.’

  ‘Like?’

  ‘Like, what can you do for the new person in your life?’

  ‘But that,’ Jo said pointing an accusing finger at her protruding stomach, ‘is more than likely the reason David ran away.’ She was picturing the crumpled note he had left which she was glad she hadn’t mentioned to anyone. Liz would be quoting it chapter and verse by now in an effort to make her daughter despise her husband, but that would be futile. She reserved such feelings for herself and little FB. ‘He couldn’t face the future and I’m not sure I can either, not any more.’ When Jo saw the look of alarm on her mother’s face, she released a sigh of surrender. ‘I will start preparing for the baby. Of course I will. I just need a little more time. Please.’

  Her mum’s eyes softened. ‘OK, but when you’re ready we’re going on a spending spree – my treat.’

  ‘So if hand-me-downs aren’t good enough for your new grandchild does that mean we’ll be going to proper shops?’ Jo challenged.

  Liz caught Jo looking at the smiling sunflowers again. ‘That mobile was brand new! And you have to admit you can get some good bargains, especially baby clothes. They grow out of them long before they’ve had a chance to wear them out,’ Liz said but stopped herself. ‘OK, I admit I’m a penny pincher—’

  ‘And then some.’

  Liz chose not to notice the sharp edge to the remark and said, ‘The pennies I save are put away for a rainy day and I think you’d have to agree that it’s pouring down right now. I can’t remember the last time you needed me, Jo. I want to help now if you’ll let me, I think it would be good for us both.’

  Unlike her mother, Jo could remember quite clearly the last time she had sought out her help. It was back when the doctor had failed to diagnose her anxiety attacks and accused her of attention-seeking. Perhaps Jo had been crying out for attention, but her mum hadn’t been prepared to confront the reasons why her daughter was so desperately unhappy. Yes, Jo had just broken up with her first boyfriend, but it was her home life that was the root of her anxiety. With her dad off travelling and her mother left to her own devices, Jo had good reason to believe her parents were facing their own break-up. Her mum was never going to admit what she had been up to and so had preferred to side with the doctor and told Jo that her heart would mend of its own accord in time. Now Jo’s heart was breaking again and she wished she could count on her mother’s help – but she still hadn’t forgiven her. ‘Thanks, Mum,’ she said if only to appease her.

  ‘Good. Now, if we’re not going out shopping why don’t I measure up for some new curtains in here? I’ve got some green fabric that would work perfectly and I could add some appliqué sunflowers. Unless you wanted to …’

  Jo could barely muster the enthusiasm to turn up for her antenatal appointments, so she had no desire to even think about the finishing touches to the nursery. ‘No, your idea sounds lovely and it’ll make the room just perfect,’ she said with a winning smile.

  Reassured, Liz set to work and sent Jo in search of a measuring tape. Jo took her time searching, even though she knew exactly where she would find it, lined up perfectly between a set of screwdrivers and a roll of duct tape in one of the kitchen drawers. But she couldn’t prevaricate for ever, and eventually she dragged herself back upstairs where she could hear her mum winding up the mobile. A tinny music box started to play, ‘You Are My Sunshine,’ and plump bumblebees began their endless pursuit of smiling sunflowers.

  Liz had her back to the door and had started humming along to the
cheerful tune. Jo could remember her mum singing the song to her when she was a little girl but the words held a new, darker meaning now.

  ‘You’ll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away,’ Liz sang along as the mobile turned, her soft voice faltering at the last as she too realized the poignancy of the lyrics. She turned to catch her daughter staring at her wide-eyed and teary.

  Jo wanted to turn and run but her feet had been cast in cement. Liz felt obliged to talk, if only to drown out the sound of the music still playing. ‘He’ll come to his senses soon, Jo,’ she promised. ‘And if not now, then surely when the baby’s born.’

  Jo was shaking her head. ‘No, please don’t say that. I don’t want to cling to false hope. I don’t want to be waiting for him to turn up at the hospital with a bunch of flowers and an apology. I couldn’t go through the agony of waiting for him again, I couldn’t bear the pain of him not showing up. I’d rather accept now that I’ve lost him. He’s gone, Mum, and he’s never coming back.’

  Lauren’s first-night nerves were infectious. Jo’s heart was hammering as she and Steph sneaked backstage to check her costume. There was a look of disapproval from the teacher in charge of the production, but when Jo held aloft her sewing kit and offered her services to make a last-minute repair to Cinderella’s sleeve, she was allowed through the cordon. Lauren was fighting for space in front of a full-length mirror along with a gaggle of other girls. She looked stunning.

  As Jo set to work on the torn sleeve of poor Cinders’ dress, Steph turned to her daughter. For a heart-stopping moment, it looked as if she was going to say something embarrassing, like how beautiful she looked or how proud Steph was of her. Fortunately Lauren was saved from humiliation by her mum’s inability to speak.

  ‘Steph, could you hold this for me,’ Jo asked as she tried to reattach the offending flap of material.

  Her sister said something akin to yes and Lauren visibly relaxed. She was about to turn back to the mirror when someone else spoke.

  ‘Oh, Lauren, you look like a supermodel,’ gushed Liz.

  ‘Mum,’ Jo hissed, ‘you were supposed to stay in the hall and save our seats.’

  ‘Oh, Gerry can manage on his own and I couldn’t resist coming backstage to wish my granddaughter good luck.’

  Liz was too busy giving the rest of the cast the once-over to notice the looks of disapproval from her daughters or the dismay on Lauren’s face. She sniffed. ‘I don’t understand why she didn’t have the starring role,’ she said but as she settled her steely gaze on her granddaughter her voice hardened. ‘But then I hear from Jo you’ve started swearing like a trooper, so I suppose you couldn’t be trusted.’

  ‘I was joking, Mum!’ Jo cried. ‘And as I recall, you were the one swearing your head off at the time!’ Her counterattack was too little, too late. The damage was done and Jo could only imagine what expletives were on the tip of Lauren’s tongue at that precise moment.

  Jo finished the emergency repair in record time and dragged her mother and Steph away before any more harm could be done, but she couldn’t help giving Lauren a piece of advice before they left. ‘Hold on to that anger,’ she whispered. ‘You’re the wicked stepmother remember. Let Cinderella feel your wrath.’

  Before slipping backstage, the school hall had been practically empty but upon their return, almost every seat was taken, including the ones they had claimed at the back of the hall. ‘I thought you said Gerry was saving our seats?’ Jo asked her mum.

  ‘He has. Look,’ Liz said pointing to seats two rows from the front.

  ‘But we needed to be further back so we could see the full stage. My neck will ache from there,’ Jo said.

  ‘These are the best seats in the house, Joanne. Where better to heckle from?’ Liz said as she pulled along her reluctant daughter.

  ‘There will be no heckling,’ Steph warned her mum. ‘You’ve upset Lauren enough for one day.’

  ‘Me?’

  As Steph and her mother continued their whispered argument, Jo squeezed down the row towards her brother-in-law. The plastic chairs looked hard and unforgiving but Jo was feeling uncomfortable even before she sat down. The skin on the back of her neck crawled and she tried not to think how someone might be watching her from the back of the hall as the lights went down and the show began.

  Lauren was in the first scene and seeing her niece in her acting debut was almost enough to distract Jo from her unease. Lauren was ferocious as a stepmother and when Cinderella cowered in front of her, Jo suspected there wasn’t much acting involved from either. It was only when the wicked stepmother made her dramatic exit that Jo found her mind wandering.

  She started thinking about the countless meetings she had attended with David. They never sat next to each other, even after they were married, because David said he liked to watch her from afar, but knowing his eyes were upon her could be as distracting as if he was next to her, trailing a finger down her spine. David was looking at her now, she was sure of it and she began to fidget. Her hand rubbed the back of her neck as if to sweep away her husband’s gaze.

  ‘Is your back hurting?’ Steph whispered.

  Jo offered a smile and said she was fine but she wasn’t. She pretended to stretch her neck so she could look behind and peer into the darkness, scanning the audience for a familiar face. David wouldn’t have missed Lauren’s performance for the world and he would have known that Jo would be here.

  Taking a couple of deep breaths to settle her nerves, Jo returned her attention to the stage. Within moments, Lauren was back in the fray but Jo couldn’t be distracted this time. Rather than her neck, Jo began to rub her chest, which felt tight. Her breathing was becoming shallow, more so when she realized how clammy she felt. Her hands were damp with sweat and the tide of panic she had been trying to ignore since the lights went down swelled deep within her. She had an all-consuming urge to run and checked the row of seats on both sides of her to plan her escape. Steph and her mum were to her left with at least another ten people beyond them. To her right there was Gerry and a marginally shorter route to the central aisle.

  There was a chorus of boos from the audience as Lauren delivered another cutting remark. She was really building up her part, but rather than revelling in her niece’s success, Jo couldn’t wait for her to storm off stage again. If Lauren didn’t leave soon she would be distracted by her aunt stumbling out of the hall. Jo didn’t want to do that, but the growing pressure against her chest was making it almost impossible to breathe.

  Jo grabbed her handbag and tensed her already taut muscles as she prepared to stand up.

  ‘You will not go the ball!’ Lauren yelled. ‘Now get to work polishing every pot and pan in this kitchen. I want to be able to see my beautiful face in the bottom of them all by the time I return.’

  Jo stood up without warning and had the perfect view of Lauren’s back as her niece raced off stage. Jo moved just as quickly. ‘I need to get some fresh air,’ she said to Gerry. ‘Make them stay here.’

  There were mutterings and a few notes of concern as Jo shuffled down the row, trying to keep her balance with the extra weight she didn’t think she’d ever get used to carrying. She kept her head down as she rushed down the aisle, only to face interminable sets of double doors before she was out. She came to a stumbling stop in the middle of the forecourt, gasping for air. Through the ghostly clouds of her own breath, Jo’s eyes darted from one exit door to another, expecting someone to rush out of the school at any moment. She wasn’t sure if she was more terrified of that ‘someone’ appearing or not appearing so she ran from her fears and hurried towards the side of the school building to huddle in a corner. Pain bloomed in her chest and stars danced across her vision. Each breath became a battle and at first she was convinced that this latest attack might be her last. She was surprised how much she wanted to survive. She still needed answers and, even though she was loath to admit it, she still needed David. She couldn’t stop loving him no matter how
much she wanted to hate him. He had been her anchor, the calm that would help her survive any storm. If he was out there now, she needed him more than ever.

  Although Jo hadn’t suffered full-blown anxiety attacks since her teens, she had come close. Those early days of travelling with David had certainly brought her to the brink, starting with their honeymoon. She had been frantically trying to pack and had a bikini clamped in one hand, a pair of flip-flops in the other when her chest began to tighten. She had stood in front of her suitcase, completely frozen by fear when David came up behind her. He had known instinctively what to do.

  ‘Hey, it’s all right,’ he said, placing the palms of his hands on her diaphragm, ‘there’s nothing to panic about. I’m here. I’m going to keep you safe, I promise. Now take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Breathe with me, Jo.’

  It may have only been the heat from her own body as she dealt with this latest assault but she felt now as if the warmth was coming from David’s arms. Jo closed her eyes and imagined him rocking her gently until her breathing slowed and she was able to face the world alone …

  ‘Are you all right?’

  Jo peeled her eyes open slowly as if clinging on to the hope that little bit longer that it had been David speaking, but she had already recognized the man’s voice.

  ‘Hi, Gerry,’ she said, deftly avoiding the question.

  ‘I should warn you that Steph and your mum won’t be too far behind unless you think you can make it back inside with me.’

  Shuddering at the thought, Jo said, ‘I don’t think I can. It’s so hot in there and I’m feeling a bit queasy. Delayed morning sickness, probably.’

  ‘Oh, OK,’ Gerry said. He looked unsure about what to do next, but it didn’t look as if leaving was an option he was considering.

  Taking a deep, juddering breath, Jo straightened up, rubbed her back, and put on her best smile. ‘I tell you what, why don’t you go back in and calm the others down. Tell them mother and baby are doing fine but that I’d rather stay out here. I’ll sit in the car and wait for you all.’