Until I Fall

by Claudia Burgoa

  Yes, with you. Those three words scare me because they’re true. I can picture myself waking up next to Aspen in our bed for the rest of my life; having at least one baby and of course, Hugo. “As the days pass, I’m convinced that I would like to have a family of my own. So yes, when the time is right.” The answer I give her is the closest to the truth.

  “You surprise me.” She takes off her bulky shoes and unties her hair, letting the dark waves fall onto her shoulders. “Your mom described you as a loner. When I met you, I couldn’t read you. You barely spoke and I hated those five word answers. Now . . . it’s hard to explain.”

  “Is it bad?” The question isn’t out of insecrurity, but curiosity. Her mind is halfway across the world, the other is thinking hard; planning ways on shutting me out, placing new walls. I can feel them as they appear around her heart, just as I feel when they melt with my touch or my words. “Maybe you should stop expecting the worst out of me.”

  “No, it’s not the worst, just . . .” Her body relaxes as I nuzzle her neck with my lips, her voice is sleepy. “Since the day we met, you have a way of pushing me out of my safe zone without thrusting me to the abyss.”

  “The thing is, Aspen, this exchange is mutual. You’re changing my game plan, driving me into a different direction. I’m holding onto you tight, making sure neither one of us falls to a sudden death.” I pull the blankets, take off my shirt and hand it to her. She loves to wear them at night, I love to see her wearing them. At least, that’s what she’s said for the past few days. Later today we’ll make love. For now, it’s time to put the conversation to rest.

  I press her close to me, kissing her eyelids, nose and lips. I close my eyes, wishing for more days and night like this one.

  Heaven. Paradise. Nirvana. A few ways to describe the place I’m in since Aspen and I became . . . are we a couple? We certainly act like one. We spend every day together and sleep in the same bed. Yesterday morning was spent in hers, today it was mine. Everything has worked well between us, except she’s not a fan of my room. The lack of blinds or shutters covering the big windows, she hates the bright light casted by the early morning sun. It rouses her, and her fucking morning attitude, out of slumber.

  “You need curtains,” Aspen complains walking to the other side of my room, away from the windows. “Did the women you bring home never complain about the view?”

  Why complain?

  There’s nothing too exciting about my apartment, but I like the simplicity of the place. I pace closer to the window overlooking the street. Everyone is walking, minding their own business. Over the horizon, I spot Mt. St. Helen. It’s so far away, and the sky is so condensed with clouds that I can make out it’s white summit. A woman nearby pushes a stroller. Looking up as she walks, she stops in her tracks as she stares at my bare chest. It had never bother me before that someone would peek into my windows. There’s nothing to see. The walls are bare, the windows are bullet proof, and I’m barely here.

  “You’re the first woman I’ve ever brought home, Aspen.” I turn around, pleased to see her in my space.

  “Thirty-eight years and you’ve never . . . I just don’t understand.” She lets her long skirt fall. It covers her lucious ass, and long legs.

  “I’ve never had a girlfriend before.”

  Her eyes grow wide. Fuck, I said the word. Is she going to run because I gave us a label? What is it about us that drives her into a panic? Things are so easy between us. Yes, we argue about her romantic shows and my bloody movies. About greasy foods instead of healthy shit, it’s hard for her to comprehend why I only let myself eat junk once a week. Sweets and sugar are her downfall. Somedays I feel self-consious. I look nothing like the last dude she dated. I don’t shave often, my car is a beat-up truck that works for what I need. My clothing are mainly jeans and a t-shirt, a henley if it’s too cold. Tattoos are my passion, and I don’t look like eye candy to take to a fancy party.

  “We’re exclusive, aren’t we, Aspen?” We’re establishing something today, I don’t give a fuck if she tries to jump out the window.

  She nods twice, her lips twisting.

  “Do you want to tell me what is it that you’re afraid of?” I lean closer to her, taking her in my arms. Her arms get ahold of my biceps, grasping them hard. I stare into her eyes, searching for her soul. It’s hiding behind fear. “Everything about you is special. I enjoy our talks, our rants, our silence. The only part I hate about being with you is when you raise those walls.”

  “It’s you. You’re intense, larger than life.” She blinks twice, laughing. “It sounds so much better inside my head, and not as stupid.”

  “Nothing you say sounds stupid, please, trust me.”

  “There’s something burning about you. Every action cuts deep, altering the person on the receiving end.” I stare at her not getting her words. “When you kiss, you really kiss. Your laugh makes every cell of my body vibrate, making it happy. All the emotions I try to avoid intensify when you’re around. It scares the fuck out of me—I feel like I’m going to lose control.”

  “So, you’re not ashamed of me?”

  Her eyes darken a little, her cheeks rising as she laughs. “Sometimes, when we’re grocery shopping, I want to punch the women checking you out. It’s more like I’m ashamed of myself.”

  “Trust me.” I can’t emphasize those words enough. My gut says to be patient, my heart insists I continue working to win her. “Losing control isn’t bad if you’re with the right person. The fire inside you is as intense, Aspen. If only you’d let it burn with mine—we would be unstoppable.”

  Her eyes close momentarily. As they open, they have the coldness I hate. Aspen fights what’s happening between us at every waking hour. She opens her mouth, I press mine against it, avoiding her words. Kissing her with the intensity she proclaims I have inside, with the intensity of my own fears. Facing the biggest one I’ve comfronted in the past years. Like her, I am afraid. I distress when her actions theaten to terminate the best thing that has happened to me. What she’s not counting on is that the warrior in me won’t stop until this fight of powers ends the rightful way, with her being unconditionally mine.

  ANDERSON

  FUCK. I BANG the wheel. This traffic is killing me.

  “She’s at home with Brynn,” Aspen reassures me, placing her hand on my thigh. “According to her text, your Mom is doing well.”

  Maxine, the nurse who traveled with Mom, called me just now to inform me that they are back in Seattle. My mother didn’t want to upset me. How absurd is that? I’m angry because my she flew across the world to take a vacation she cut short and wouldn’t tell me she needed me. She’s sick and getting weaker by the day. I know she came back because she isn’t well. ‘It’s too hot, and there’re too many people around to enjoy the landscape’ isn’t an excuse Mom gives lightly. Any other person believes the story. I know better. This is the woman who waited hours in line so her sons could ride Space Mountain on Independence Day. The same one who drove thousands of miles from Tacoma to Arkansas in the middle of the hottest summer so her children could visit their paternal grandmother.

  Why can’t we find a cure for her? I exhale my frustration.

  Aspen grabs my left hand and kisses it. There’s no need for her to say any words, I feel them. I’m here with you. I wish I could do more. Share your pain with me. They’re as clear as the phrases she tells me daily.

  “Have you hired the nurses yet?” I park the car in front of her house. “Do you have everything you need?”

  Aspen suggested at-home care for Mom’s last days. It sounds like something Mom would love. Except, we are moving her to Aspen’s house. That way, Aspen and Brynn can be there for her. We are renting equipment to make those last days comfortable for her. Mom loves her girls, so I know she’s going to be thrilled to be with them.

  “Everything’s ready.” Aspen unbuckles her seatbelt, sliding onto my lap. Hugging the back of my neck, she stares at me with sad eyes. “Deep breaths, we a
re going to get through this together, okay?”

  I wrap my arms around her shoulders pulling her closer to me, feeling her soft body against me. We’re so close I don’t know where she starts or I finish. Despite the heaviness in my soul, my heart remains warm, and it’s all because of her.

  In her embrace, the outside world doesn’t exist.

  Time stops, the pain disappears.

  My mind is at peace.

  When I think about my mother’s future and the raw emptiness nibbles at my heart, Aspen comes to my rescue. I trusted my men to have my back. My brothers to protect me as I did during our mission. Not once did I thought I would need emotional support, or that someone smaller and more delicate than me would be my shield when reality is unbearable.

  “Thank you” I kiss her neck, combing her curly hair, “for being my strength.”

  A hand runs through my hair. Her head turns, brushing my lips with hers before taking my mouth. There’s nothing gentle about the kiss. It’s hot, fiery, and filled with raw passion. The world disappears while she runs her fingers down my spine, warmth spreads to my body. I want to pull away before I lose my shit and fuck her inside my truck.

  “You don’t have to thank me, Hawk,” she whispers, her breathing uneven after that soul-searching kiss. “I’m here to hold you when things aren’t pretty, just the way you do when I’m breaking down. Couples do that. They stick together during the bad times, and celebrate the good times. Understanding each other, fighting for the last piece of bacon or the remote. Sharing what matters to the other even when it might be insignificant. We’re becoming an us.”

  I open my mouth, ready to say the words when her phone rings.

  “It’s Brooklyn,” she announces moving away from my lap. “Smile, Hawk. Bright, cheery. Enjoy these days because they could be over at any moment.”

  I chew on the words, staring at the beauty in front of me. The millions of emotions I feel every second of the day because of her. Each and every one altering my thoughts, taking me somewhere different than I ever expected. My heart beats harder as I decide to make some drastic changes in my life, like steer away from the missions where I spend months away from home. My pulse accelerates as I have a glimpse of an alternate life where I spend time with Aspen for as long as she allows me. Forever, if that’s even possible.

  “Come on, Hawk,” she redirects my attention. “You’re going to be fine.”

  “Yes, we’ll be fine.” I copy her smile, ready to face the most painful days of my life.

  “Baby clothing?” I stare at my mother, then at the pile of clothing she brought me. Thank God Aspen isn’t here to see them. “Why would you bring me baby clothing?”

  She folds a blue blanket, handing it along with the pink one. “One day you’re going to have children. At least, I hope you do.” Bending lightly, she searches inside her duffle bag that seems to have no bottom to it. “They are going to need knitted clothing from grandma. I won’t be here so . . . just make sure to tell them I love them.”

  “Mom, please don’t do this today,” I beg her. Only a few hours ago, my stomach dropped to the floor when I received the call that she’d come back early. Pale skin, skinnier, tired. My heart hurt to see my mother changing so fast. “I’ll be happy to save these presents. There’s no guarantee that there’ll be children in my future. But if we have any, be assured they will wear what you gave me.”

  She smiles, staring at me with satisfaction. Happiness. Peace. “You love her, don’t you?”

  Love.

  Do I? There’s this strange feeling inside my heart that grows every day, taking over my mind and my body. Unknown to me and overwhelming in the same absolute way it exists. The emotion filled up a hole I didn’t know existed. It’s frightening to think how I survived without it for so long. From being a loner, I find myself next to a person I can’t imagine living without. Is that love?

  Mom gives me a knowing stare, yes, you’re in love.

  “It’s too early to say,” I confess. “We just started going out.”

  All lies. It might only be a few weeks, but it feels as if I’ve known her since before the universe existed. As a matter of fact, I requested a meeting with my boss. We need to discuss my future with the company. My life changed when Aspen appeared, and I like the person I’m becoming. I want to spend more time with her. Even though the distance wouldn’t change what I feel for her, I’m not willing to see her only a few days every other month.

  “You two deserve each other. I’m glad you found her.” Her hand reaches out, squeezing mine.

  We found each other, I don’t say.

  ANDERSON

  “SUBJECT HAS ARRIVED,” Tiago’s voice comes over the ear piece. “Everyone in place, the mission is a go.”

  I hate suits, crowded rooms, and bright lights. “Why am I here?”

  “You wanted to talk, I needed a wing man in this operation,” my boss retorts as we push open the doors to Noir Gold Paris, the newest Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. “Don’t complain. I’m missing dinner with my family and bedtime.”

  We stand in the lobby where I take in the glowing machines: the loud chattering, beeping, honking, and buzzing. Hundreds of people dressed up with their best formal attire. According to the information Bradley gave me, the owner is well established with the Russian mafia. That explains why I’m here. Among my qualifications, I speak Russian.

  “What’s the play?”

  “Our guy is Aleksei Babkin,” he murmurs.

  “Selling guns to some new organization who is trying to take over the world?”

  “No. He supplies young women and men around the world.” His fancy way of saying we’re dealing with a fucking human trafficker. My stomach clenches, these fuckers make me sick. There’s no end to them because there’s no end to the demand of prostitutes and slaves. We put down one asshole, and there’s already another one setting up shop. “Are we scouting?”

  “No, this is the mission.” This is the last time I text with my girlfriend during the flight, how the fuck did I miss the intel? “Our sources indicate he has a big shipment in one of the ports and is looking for a buyer. Damian Travis might want the load.”

  “Let me guess, he owns a prostitution ring?”

  “The hotel has a unique service for high profile clientele,” he informs me as we continue walking toward the elevators.

  “We are here to stop the sale?”

  “No. We’re here to buy the merchandise.”

  I do a double-take, frowning. “What the fuck?”

  “We need the location to rescue the hostages,” he explains. “I’ll be tracing the money to recover it once we have them. Our second goal is to obtain the name of everyone inside that room. They’re our leads to uncovering more trafficking cells.”

  “Fun, and how did we get here?” I want some of the backgrounds, he only sent a text to head to the airport.

  “It’s by invitation only. An auction. James Howlett and Kyle Rayner were added a few hours ago.”

  “So Wolverine and Green Lantern are here, huh?” I chuckle with the stupid names he comes up with. Of course, he used superheroes alter egos. “You’re an idiot.”

  “Shut up, comic nerd. I’m not the one with a superhero last name. Hawk.” He grins because collecting comic books is something we have in common. “Got my hands on the new Justice League movie.”

  “Fucker, I hate you,” I joke, the nerd inside me hopes he’ll let me watch it before it comes out in theaters. His wife swears we’re like two little children on play dates. I’m sure she knows about the times I’m at home playing with him and his brother-in-law on X-Box Live. “Am I invited to the screening?”

  “As usual. What do you want to talk about?”

  Here goes nothing. “Infiltrating, pretending and living a second life was fun a couple of years back, but—”

  “Are you quitting or wanting short term assignments?” He cuts to the chase.

  “Short term assignments?” I want to say more, but
his frown is scaring the fuck out of me. He’s going to fire my ass before we start this mission. “I love what I do. And I’d like to lead a team through the jungle to rescue hostages—from home. I can break into a bank to make sure the security systems we install work or do temporary undercover work like we’re doing tonight. My goal is that after work I can go home right after. I want to be able to sleep in my bed every night, spend a few hours in the tattoo parlor and have a standard life.”

  “You’re fucking with me right now?”

  “Afraid not, boss.”

  “Fuck, I had big plans for you.” He shakes his head. “We have more projects, you’re one of my best men when it comes to long-term missions.”

  “Tiago is your man,” I remind him of the guy who came before me.

  “No. You keep him leveled. He’s too volatile.” He presses his lips together as we reach the elevators.

  I tap the up arrow, then turn to look at him. “Should I take it as a no?”

  “Once you finish your current long-term mission I’ll reassign you, move a few assets around.” He steps into the elevator. “You’re talented, I want to keep you around for as long as you’d like to stay.”

  Mason swipes a golden card, then hands me over a second one. “It’s your invite, the paper has your account information. You have half a billion dollars to play with. We’re bidding against each other. I don’t care who wins as long as one of us gets the merchandise.”

  We reach our floor and step off the elevator to find two guards standing outside a set of wood carved French doors with bronze handles that match the frame. We flash the golden cards. They nod, each grabbing a body scanner. I lift my arms, letting them search for weapons that they won’t find. Our company also develops gadgets, like the unique fibers that conceals weapons.

  “You’re the last two, the doors will be locked from the outside until the show is over,” one of them says.

  As we enter a conference room, the doors shut; I hear electronic locks engaging. The other bidders are already sitting around the oval table. There are about fifteen guests plus this tall blond wearing only a jacket with patches on his elbows and a pair of jeans. He looks like a teacher. “Gentlemen, I’m glad you were able to join us tonight. You may call me Babkin,” he greets us as we take the empty chairs.