“What did you tell Noah about your plans for Christmas break?” I demand.
No point in beating around the bush. I’m in no mood for games, and I just now consider that it would have been a good idea to bring a jacket with me. I can’t tell whether Ketchup is surprised by my question, or if he is trying to come up with a plausible lie.
“What do you do all night when you’re with Noah, talk about me?”
“Hardly.” I shift, not so accidentally cracking my knee into his. He groans, but takes my frustration in stride. “Why did you tell him you’d be out of town all break?”
Ketchup shrugs. “Because I will be.”
“Liar. Your mom can never get off during the holidays.”
“So I told Noah I was visiting my uncle…”
“The uncle you haven’t spoken to since your parents divorced?” I ask, sarcasm adding an extra edge to each word.
“He doesn’t know that.”
I want to shake him! “Why did you lie to Noah?”
“I only lied about where I was going, not that I’d be gone,” Ketchup says. It’s a flimsy excuse.
“Are you going to tell me where you’re really going?” I ask.
Silence. It’s about what I expected. I look up at him and sigh. My eyes have adjusted to the dim light. I can see his features, or at least the outline of them. It’s enough to know that he’s frowning and staring down. His expression is somewhere between frustration and sadness. I reach out and set my hand on one of his knees. When his hand lands of top of mine, I don’t pull away.
“Ketchup, you can’t come with me.”
He looks up. The fierceness in his eyes surprises me. “Do you really think you can trust these Godling characters?”
After the conversation I just had with David? I shiver and try not to think about it. “Not really, but…”
Ketchup shakes his head. “But nothing. I know that physically I’m no match for any of them, but you’re too trusting. You want to see the good in everyone… like Noah, and I’m afraid you’ll miss something and end up getting hurt. I can’t fight them off, but I can see what you don’t. It’s the only way I can protect you, and nothing you say is going to change my mind about that.”
“Are you insane? Do you even understand how dangerous going to the compound will be?”
“It won’t be any more dangerous than being here,” he argues. “You even admitted that except for people like Ivy, a person can only draw the hunger of one Godling. Hanging out with Zander here isn’t any different than doing it in a secret location.”
I want to argue that point, but he’s right about that one. Either way, Zander wants to kill him. Ketchup has gotten pretty good about keeping his distance and staying out of his way, while still managing to be around me, but that’s hardly the only problem.
Two weeks alone with Ketchup might be too much for me to deal with right now. David already attacks me for being too distracted during training. He would be thrilled if I became a recluse and relied on him completely. I don’t like the idea of leaving Ketchup behind, but I may need these two weeks away from everything to really figure things out, to test the waters with the Godlings, and see if I can get some kind of idea about who they are and what a future would look like with them. I need answers before I can do anything else.
Aside from my personal issues with this, there is another huge roadblock to Ketchup’s plan.
“Do you really think an ultra-secretive group like the Godlings would just let anyone wander into their camp and hang out for a couple of weeks? They’d probably kill you just for showing up!”
“No, they won’t.” The confidence in his voice is bewildering.
“Yes, they will!”
“They won’t kill me,” Ketchup says, “because David already said I could come.”
My brain freezes, and then melts into a puddle of slush. He’s got to be lying. David is a horrible person, for one. He would never let Ketchup tag along just to be a nice guy. Not to mention, the man seriously hates me. No way would he do anything that would seem even remotely like a favor to me. Absolutely not.
“You’re lying,” I state firmly.
Ketchup’s fingers tighten around mine. “I’m not lying. I asked David about coming with you a few weeks ago. He actually thought it would be a good idea. He’s already arranged everything. He said he’d have me housed well away from Zander. I guess they have apartments for non-Godlings to stay in when they visit or come to train.”
“That makes no sense,” I complain. “How on earth did you convince him to let you come with us?”
Ketchup looks away, a familiar tell. That simple gesture sets me on edge. When he speaks, I know he’s lying. “David thought if I was there, you might be less likely to get out of hand. For some reason, he thinks you’re a loose cannon. I can’t imagine why,” he finishes, that last part under his breath.
“I’m only like that with him because he’s so horrible to me,” I say, “but that’s not why he’s letting you come.”
Ketchup still won’t look at me. His eyes are glued to the grass beneath the tree. Yanking my hand away from his, I cross my arms over my chest. “If you’re not going to be honest with me, I’m leaving.”
I rarely make threats I don’t intend to carry out. When I stand up and turn back toward my room, Ketchup knows I will leave him there. He probably also knows that I won’t be speaking to him until he does tell me the truth. I have had enough lies for an entire lifetime. I refuse to listen to any more. I take the first step away from him, but even that is too much for Ketchup to stand.
He lurches up awkwardly and grabs my arm. “Wait, don’t leave,” he begs.
“I want the truth.”
Frustrated, Ketchup’s free hand slaps against a tree branch. The force makes the branch he’s holding onto for support sway. I would have no problem adjusting my balance, but my heart jumps when Ketchup is forced to grab hold of another branch to steady himself. Taking a deep breath, I remind myself that I’m mad at Ketchup. I am not jumping to his rescue if his arrogance knocks him out of the tree. Well… I know I’d catch him, but not until the last second.
“Why did David say you could come with us?” I ask again. The sharp tone of my voice implies this is the last chance for him to answer.
Sighing, Ketchup says, “Because he knows I’m right.”
Um, okay? “You’re right? About what?”
“I’m right about us.”
I can feel my pulse speeding up. “What is that supposed to mean?”
Now Ketchup meets my eyes. His grip on my arm pulls me to him. I only manage to put up a resistance when we’re about six inches away from each other. “We belong together,” he says. “I know it, and you know it. Noah is… he’s just a distraction.”
A burst of anger makes me push Ketchup away. “He’s not just a distraction,” I snap. “He’s a good friend, that’s it.”
“A better friend than me?” Ketchup demands.
“It’s not like that and you know it. I’ve already told you that I’m not interested in Noah like that.” I shake my head in frustration at Ketchup. “The time I spend with Noah is the only time I feel like a normal person. It’s one of the few times I feel like my world isn’t trying to crush me! I need a break from all of this, sometimes.”
Ketchup’s hands drag through his hair as he tries to contain his frustration. “Fine! He’s your friend, but why can’t you depend on me when you need to get away from all of this, instead of him? I’m the one you’re in love with, Van. I know you are.”
“This isn’t about who I love or don’t love,” I say, fighting to keep my voice strong. “It isn’t about you or Noah, either. It’s about me.”
“What does that mean?” Ketchup demands.
I shake my head, frustrated and bordering on angry. “Does it really seem like I’m in a place to start a relationship with anyone right now?” I ask him. “I am on the verge of my hunger erupting, which terrifies me. I have a psychotic Go
dling watching my every move. All of my free time is spent training with said crazy Godling, working, or doing schoolwork. I haven’t had five minutes to myself since the night Zander almost killed Ivy. I can barely stand to look at my grandma, who I used to be incredibly close to, after finding out about all the lies she told us and all the help she denied us. Zander’s dealing with his own stuff and not exactly there for me even though he’s the only other person who could possibly understand what I’m going through right now. I feel like I’m walking around with the weight of the world on my shoulders all the time, and if I make one false move—which we all know I’m likely to do—I’ll lose everything.”
My arms flop down at my sides, defeated. “I’m sorry, Ketchup, but I don’t have room for anything else right now. I can’t afford any distractions, and that includes you. I’m sorry, but I can’t. I just can’t.”
Ketchup stares at me with a slightly stunned expression, obviously unsure of what his next move should be. He’s hesitant as he reaches toward me. It takes him a couple of tries before he manages to speak. “Van, I’m sorry. I know you’re dealing with a lot right now, but I can help you get through it. I want to help you. I want to be there for you no matter what, but you’re not letting me.”
“This isn’t something you can fix, Ketchup. You can’t make this decision for me.”
His brows pull together in confusion. “What decision?”
When I don’t answer, Ketchup leans back against the tree to give me some space. When he speaks, he does so cautiously. “Whatever it is, Van, you can trust me. I’ve always been there for you. I know you, who you are and what you are, and I didn’t run. I don’t care about all this Godling stuff. I love you, and I’m ready to stand by you through whatever it brings.”
“I know,” I say tearfully, “and that’s what scares me.”
Ketchup looks up at me, more confused than ever. “What?”
A million fears cram into my mind. Everything I’ve been thinking for the last month all wants to tumble out at the same time. My thoughts are begging to be heard, but letting them escape is not easy. It takes me a moment to start talking.
“You’re not afraid of all of this,” I say slowly. “You accept the fact that I’m… whatever I am. I’m dangerous. Being with me is a risk. I’m not even sure I’m completely human. You know all of that, and you’re still willing to stay with me.”
“Yes,” Ketchup says, clearly not seeing the point.
A sad smile forms on my trembling lips. “What if learning to control my hunger changes me? What if becoming a Godling turns me into something I don’t want to be?” The corners of my mouth turn down. “You’ll either walk away to spare yourself from whatever I’ve become, or you’ll stay because you love me… but I won’t be me anymore. I’ll be someone you never would have loved if you hadn’t known me before. I know you’ll support me through my training with the Godlings, but maybe that’s not a good thing.”
Ketchup’s head shakes back and forth slowly, but I know he understands what I’m saying. I also know that he would never leave, and it hurts me so much to imagine him staying with me when I’ve turned into whatever David wants me to become.
“Van,” Ketchup says slowly, “that’s not the only option. Nobody says you’ll become anything other than who you are. You’re strong enough to stand against the changes they may try to force on you.”
“I don’t know if I am,” I say. “It may not be an option. Becoming one of them might be the price of control.”
“Then you don’t become one of them,” Ketchup says firmly. “You can do this without David. We could…”
I shake my head, cutting him off. “Maybe,” I admit, “but that’s not the only problem.”
“Then what?” Ketchup asks. “What else are you scared of?”
I don’t answer right away, because I’m afraid admitting my biggest fear will reveal me. I take a deep breath before I finally say, “What if the Godlings won’t let me walk away? What if I try and… and they use you against me, Ketchup? What if they hurt you to make me do what they want? I could never live with myself if that happened. If my choice is between living without you and watching you be hurt…”
Tears roll down my cheeks and Ketchup immediately pulls me into his arms. His fingers brush away my tears with such tenderness, it nearly breaks me.
“That’s why I know they would never be able to change you like you’re afraid they will. Your heart has always been bigger than your hunger.”
His complete faith in me is too much to live up to. I’m terrified that I’m not as strong as he thinks I am. How can I risk letting myself love him when it could lead to his death?
Long moments of silence stretch between us. One lone cricket chirps somewhere in the grass, despite the fact that it is too cold for it to be out. There is more I need to say to Ketchup, but it takes me a few minutes to gather my thoughts enough to speak.
“When I said you couldn’t make the choice for me, I wasn’t talking about the choice of whether or not to be with you,” I say softly.
Ketchup looks over at me, his head cocked to one side. “You weren’t?”
“I meant the choice of who I want to become and what kind of life I want to lead,” I say.
“I’m not sure I know what you mean,” Ketchup says.
Tired after such a long, emotionally exhausting night, I lean back against the tree. “Everyone wants me to be something different. Zander wants me to be harder, tougher, like he is, even at the expense of losing the parts of myself that I like best. Grandma wants me to be a survivor, turning away from anything Godling and living a life of strict obedience to the rules so I can pretend I’m normal when I’ll always know I’m not. Noah wants me to be free, to be myself, but he doesn’t really know who that is. You want me to be a cross between Superwoman and Lara Croft.”
Ketchup chuckles at that comment. “That would be pretty awesome,” he teases.
I smile back at him, but my thoughts quickly turn serious. “David wants me to become something, but I don’t know what, yet. I know he has plans for me. He sees something when he looks at me. He knows what I can become, if I’ll only give in to his training, and embrace the power he believes I have.”
“He hasn’t given you any idea of what he expects from you?” Ketchup asks.
I shake my head. “He told me tonight that I have to complete my training before I’ll understand.” My head falls into my hands. “Experience makes me think that whatever David wants me to become must be bad… but what if it isn’t? What if I could do something great, but I shy away from it because I’m scared?”
Ketchup gently pulls my hands away from my face and looks me squarely in the eyes. “Van, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize how much you’ve been going through lately.” He sighs, pulling me over next to him. “Of course you’re scared about the future and about how working with David might change you. It scares me, too.”
“It does?” I ask.
He nods slowly. “Don’t you think I’ve thought about all of this, too?” He pulls me closer until I am tucked under his arm. “I hate that you have to rely on someone like David, but I also recognize the alternative. Being scared that working with him will change you is understandable, but you’re not seeing everything clearly, Van.”
I look up at him, skeptical. “What do you mean?”
“For one,” he says, “you’re a lot stronger than you’re giving yourself credit for. David is going to be in for a fight if he thinks he can shape you into his puppet so easily. Secondly, I’ll be here when you can’t do it on your own. I didn’t let David take you away from me the night he showed up, and I’m not going to let his training take you away from me either.”
Ketchup’s fingers run slowly through my hair, his touch making me shiver. “You’re wrong about what I want you to be. I don’t want you to be Superwoman or Lara Croft, not only because you’re hotter than either one of them, but because I have only ever wanted you to be one thing. Happy. That’
s why David is letting me come to the compound with you.”
I shake my head, overwhelmed by his admission, but not sure I know what he means about David’s reasoning. “What?”
“David agreed to let me come, because whether you’re ready to admit it yet or not, I’m not the only one who knows you’re in love with me. David sees it, too. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Van. I don’t know what a future together will bring, but I want to be prepared. Whether that means learning how to fight by your side or knowing how to help our children if they have the same hunger you do, I’m ready to learn.”
My eyes blink slowly as I struggle to take everything in. Is Ketchup actually talking about getting married and having kids? I sink into his embrace and breathe. It’s too much to take in right now. Part of me is screaming with joy, but part of me is terrified of what that would mean. Ketchup deserves some kind of response, but I honestly don’t know what to say. I opt for changing the subject until I can process this.
“Why didn’t you tell me about coming to the compound before?” I ask.
Ketchup doesn’t seem upset that I didn’t respond to his confession. Perhaps he understands that it will take me a while to accept it. Instead of frustration, a soft smile graces his lips. “It was meant to be a birthday present.” He shrugs. “I thought it’d be a better surprise than it turned out to be.”
“Ketchup,” I say, feeling guilty, “I didn’t mean to make you feel like I didn’t want you to come with us. It just scares me.”
“Why?” Ketchup asks.
“I don’t know what it will be like there. What if you see what the Godlings really are, and you realize you don’t want any part of it?”
“Van,” Ketchup says, “I’m not going anywhere. Be scared of all the other stuff, but don’t ever think for a minute that I’m going to leave you.” He brushes my hair back from my face, lifting my chin so I am forced to meet his eyes. “Don’t look at this as a test to see whether or not I’ll run. I’ve already made my decision when it comes to that. Look at it as a test to see if we can be together, be who we want to be, even when we’re smack in the middle of their world. We can do this.”
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