The Infernal Optimist

by Linda Jaivin

  I checked out what was going down in the Rec Room. I wouldn’t a minded a game a billiards but these Islander dudes was already playing. A few a the guys what is strict with the religion and don’t go out to hear no music was sitting on chairs between the children’s play room and the building what held the mosque. They nodded to me and I nodded back but I walked fast cuz I wasn’t sure if they heard me making this joke the other day. See, Hamid was telling us that in his country, the Taliban went around checking the length a your beard and if you couldn’t make a fist a the beard they’d beat the crap outta you. Hamid’s one a them boys what don’t grow much beard anyway, so it was particulately hard on him. Once, after he got a warning, he cut off some a the hair off his head and glued it onto him face, but the glue weren’t too hot and the fake beard fell off as he was walking out the door. Lucky for him, there weren’t none a them Talibs round to see. ‘It’s stupid,’ he said, ‘judging people to be good or bad on the basis of the length of their beards and not the way they behave before God and the people. This is not Islam.’

  ‘In me Old Country,’ I told him, ‘we got a saying—“If beards were a sign a wisdom, we’d all be looking up to goats”.’ Hamid laughed. Only then did I realise that them strict dudes, what had long beards, was right there. Dunno if they heard or not. I didn’t mean nuffin personal, but it was hard to explain, so I’d been avoiding them ever since.

  I thought about doing some exercise, running round the soccer yard or something, but I only had to think about exercising and I felt puffed. I used chocolate as a constellation after She Who Had Every Right dumped me, and when She Who Loved Me After All came back, I had a good appetite on a count a being happy. Besides, it was midday and hot.

  Before I knew it I was at the fence with Stage Three. After all that shit went down the other day, Hadeon got moved back to Stage Three. Sure enough, there he was, sitting and smoking a cigarette with a look a pure evil on his peach. He was staring into space. He hadn’t seen me so I ducked into one a the doorways a Manning Dorm, what is by the fence. I flattened meself against the wall, what wasn’t easy considering me stomach be the opposite a flatten. I was waiting for an opportunity to sneak away again when Clarence busted into view, walking real fast and looking round him like he didn’t wanna be seen. Hadeon looked up with a smarmy grin and said something to him like he be asking him a question. Though they wasn’t far, I couldn’t hear on a count a them talking real low. Clarence said something what made the Hatchet stand up. I knew something heavy was going down cuz when another blue walked by they looked real stiff and uncomfortable till the other blue was outta sight again. Then Clarence handed something to Hadeon. I got the camera out again and pressed the shutter.

  Hadeon looked around sharp at the sound but didn’t see me. Then he said something else to Clarence, turned and pissed off. Clarence stood looking broken, what I never seen him look. He rubbed his face with his hands, swore, and then spun on him heel and he pissed off too. Once they was both outta sight I made like a scuttlefish. I went into Azad and Hamid’s room and stashed the camera, what was small, inside the hollow rod what was for the shower curtain. I tried to guess what was going down, but nuffin made sense. Soon I was back at the gate to the Visiting Yard.

  ‘Back for more punishment?’ Anna asked as she opened the first gate.

  ‘Yeah, mate. Punishment’s me middle name.’ As I went out into the Yard, Lili and her kid, what was crying, were heading back inside.

  ‘She no like the music, I think,’ Lili said like she be apologising. ‘Stupid girl.’

  ‘A girl a taste,’ I said. Lili handed her over and I gave her a peck on the cheek. She sniffed and looked at me with sad eyes. She’d never known nuffin but what be inside the razor wire. I picked up her shirt and blew a raspberry on her tummy, what made her laugh. Lili smiled.

  ‘You should have kids, Zek,’ she said. ‘You good with kids.’

  ‘I can’t hardly look after meself, mate,’ I said. ‘Anyway, who’s gonna have me kids?’ Her words gave me a pang. She Who In Factuality Wants to Have Me Children is back but it’s not like I can do nuffin about it. Some people gets it on in Visits under them tablecloths but Marlena got too much self-steam, what is a good thing even if it means we can never get jiggy.

  The choir was singing something about tyrants and soldiers and cannibals what got me attention, specially the cannibals. One a me favourite movies is Cannibal Apocalypse what is about Vietnam Vets what get a cannibal virus and eat people. ‘They soon shall hear the bullets flying. We’ll shoot the generals on our own side.’ Now, I had to admit this song was kinda interesting. Catchy too. Some a the detainees was nodding and tapping their thighs like they knew it. I slipped back into the chair next to Azad.

  ‘Last song,’ Azad whispered. I gave him the thumbs up.

  The choir’s voices rose in a thundering finale. ‘So comrades, come rally, and the last fight let us face! The Internationale unites the human race!’

  It was like everyone was zombies what suddenly came back to life. ‘More! More!’ The detainees was applauding, and whistling and stamping them feet. I stuck two fingers in me gob and whistled too.

  Cuz a all the noise we was making, we didn’t notice right away that the blues was talking into them walkie-talkies and some a the ones what was in the Yard was running towards the gate. Then we heard Lili screaming from the other side a the fence. ‘Hamid! Hamid!’ Lili was waving her hands and jumping up and down. ‘It’s Angel!’

  Hamid turned pale. He was off like a flash and we followed. We got to the gate but the blues was so detracted they weren’t letting no one through for the moment. They was also busy hurrying the choir out the other gate. Some a them choir people was protesting that they was sposed to be able to visit with us after the concert but the blues kept shoving them towards the gate. ‘Let me in,’ yelled Hamid what was desperate. ‘Please. Please.’

  We saw Anna through the fence. She was running towards Lima Dorm. ‘Anna, what’s going on?’ I yelled. She ignored us and kept running.

  Twenty-Eight

  Later that afternoon, Hamid climbed up onto the fence and threw himself on the razor wire. He did it so quick none of us was in time to stop him. Abeer and Noor, what was playing by the fence, saw it first and screamed. Their mums came running over and grabbed the kids, covering their eyes with their hands, but they were screaming too. I wanted to scream meself when I seen him, blood coming outta everywhere, his face white and his brown eyes like someone switched off the light in them.

  You know, when I was in the nick, I once heard someone talking about the history a razor wire. It’s not like barbed wire, what was invented for to keep sheep and cows in paddocks. They don’t use razor wire for animals cuz sheep and cows be considered too valuable and they can really hurt themselves on it. They only use it on people what they don’t care if they hurt themselves on. The Germans invented razor wire in World War I cuz they didn’t have enough wire to make barbed wire for them trenches and fortifications. So they punched thin strips outta sheets a steel, making steel tape what had upside-down triangles on what be the razor parts. But the enemy soldiers worked out they could cut through the tape with shears. In the seventies the Yanks started using it to enforce the perimeter fences in them prisons. Being Yanks, what always invents new things and what got plenty a wire, they figured out that if they wrapped the steel tape round strong wire every place except for those triangles what be the razors, then it would be strong enough to stop anyone who wanted to keep their hands and skin on. According to this prisoner what told me all this and what read books sometimes so he knew what he was talking about, in the eighties there was two brand names for the stuff—Man Barrier and Razor Ribbon. I reckon Man Barrier sounded too much like Man Bra what George’s father had to wear in that episode a Seinfeld. And ribbon is a girly word. So it ended up getting called razor wire.

  There’s another thing you gotta understand about the razor wire. The shape a the razor part makes it like hooks. So i
f you do what Reza did on him birthday—hit it and pull away in one straight line—you can end up with a clean cut. But there wasn’t nuffin about what Hamid did to himself what was clean.

  The next thing I knew, more alarms was ringing, more people was screaming, and I was puking me guts up. By the time the ambulance came to take Hamid away, I what haven’t really cried since I be ten was weeping like a girl. Then I got thinking and then I got angry.

  See, Angel was dead.

  Twenty-Nine

  I gotta explain something about what I’m gonna tell you next. I can figure out crimes what other people can’t cuz I been around crims so much a me life. That’s what I been calling me criminal instincts. Once, I had this job in a petrol station what had a mechanic in. It was before everything went to selfservice. One day we was very busy—pumps, lube jobs, tyre changes, the works. We was tidying up that evening when I noticed paint peeling off the wall a the garage, near where the tins a brake fluid was stacked. ‘We been ripped off, mate,’ I told the mechanic.

  ‘What are you talking about?’ Joe goes, scratching his head. He was getting bald and was doing the comb-over. When he scratched, he sent the long bits flopping down below his ears.

  ‘We just painted in here, yeah?’

  ‘Yeah,’ he said like he wasn’t so sure, even though we did it together.

  ‘Okay, so what’s this about?’ I pointed to the part a the wall what was peeling like an onion.

  He shrugged. ‘I dunno. What’re ya getting at?’

  ‘Watch your uncle Zek.’ I picked up the tins at the top a the stack one at a time, checking their weight. Sure enough, there was one what was a lot lighter. Someone had opened it. I splashed some on the wall, what peeled. ‘Some stooge came in and stole some brake fluid, dumping it into another container and splashing some on the wall by accident. And by the way…’ I made a motion like I be slicking me hair back over the top a me head. He pulled a comb outta his back pocket and fixed the hair back over the shiny bit, giving me the thumbs up and a rise at the same time.

  That was a good job and Joe was a good boss. If I hadn’t had to go and sublimate me income all a time, I might not a gone to prison the second time, what was the time before the last time what was the time before I got here.

  Like that day with Joe, this time I was gonna use me powers for good and not for evil. Of course I never use them for evil, really, just not always for the best what I could use them for.

  Thirty

  ‘I’m busy, Zek,’ Anna said. Her voice was tense.

  ‘I know,’ I said. ‘But I got some information you might want.’

  She studied me face for a minute. ‘Your room in five,’ she said.

  I boiled the jug for tea and offered her some bickies. ‘No, thanks,’ she said. In factuality, even I didn’t feel like eating anything, what was for once. ‘I can’t stay long.’

  ‘Okay, I won’t beat round the George W,’ I said.

  As I explained me theory, I saw the colour drain outta her face like there be a plughole in her collar. ‘What d’ya reckon?’

  She pointed to her arm. All the hairs was standing up. Then Anna—me mate, a blue, a tough chick what once took another five-oh-one down to his knees in a second and had him singing for mercy—began to cry.

  ‘I can’t take it any more,’ she said. She wiped her eyes and then her nose on the back a her sleeve.

  I gave her a tissue. ‘You looks like you need a hug,’ I said, what she did and what I gave her.

  ‘You know,’ she said after a while, straightening up and wiping her eyes, ‘she was one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen. Even dead. You wouldn’t have known about the…the other thing just looking at her face. Her expression was so peaceful.’

  ‘That’s the smack,’ I said.

  ‘But there’s no question about it. It’s true. And they want the whole thing covered up.’

  Me phone vibrated in me pocket. I forgot where I was for a second. I pulled it out and looked at the number what was calling before I remembered about Anna being a blue, what was sposed to confiscate mobiles.

  Anna put her hands over her eyes, then her ears and then her mouth, what be saying she was a monkey what didn’t talk.

  It was a private number what come up.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Hi, Zeki? It’s Marley. April’s daughter.’

  ‘Oh, hi.’

  ‘Azad told me what was happening and told me to call you. That’s so fucked. So so fucked. I wanna talk to you about helping you. What I said in the Visiting Yard. I meant it. Just don’t tell my mum. I’ll never get the car keys off her.’

  ‘Oh, mate. We need to talk. But not now,’ I told her. ‘There’s officers around and I don’t wanna get caught with me mobile.’ I winked at Anna, what sorta smiled. ‘Can I call you back?’

  ‘Sure.’ She said Azad had her number. Sly bugger. ‘Just let me know if and when and what. I’m so there.’

  ‘You know all that stuff I said?’ Anna asked after I hanged up.

  ‘What stuff?’

  ‘About asylum seekers.’ She winced.

  I nodded. ‘Don’t worry about it,’ I said. ‘It’s a free country. Everyone be entitled to their opinions.’

  A knock at the door made us both jump. It was Thomas.

  Anna was on her feet by the time he pushed open the door.

  He spoke so quiet we almost didn’t hear him. ‘They just gave me a letter,’ he said. ‘The Minister. He gave me a visa.’ It took a few seconds for the factuality of it to sink in.

  ‘My man!’ We embraced.

  Anna shook his hand. ‘Congratulations, Thomas,’ she said in a voice warm as fresh pide. ‘I’m really happy for you.’

  ‘I wish…it just doesn’t feel like the best time. I wish there was good news for everyone.’

  ‘We’ll miss you, mate,’ I said.

  ‘You too, Zek. I’ve given you a lot of shit, haven’t I?’

  ‘We’re used to it, mate.’

  ‘I’m going to call April and thank her. I haven’t been very nice to her. I feel really bad about that.’

  Later, Azad came to me room. ‘Did Marley call you?’

  ‘Sure did, mate.’

  ‘I have reached my limit,’ he said.

  ‘You in, then, mate?’

  He nodded. We did the bruvvas’ handshake. He could do it good by then.

  The next day, Hamid came back from hospital with bandages on. The doctors at the hospital told him he shoulda stayed there a few more days. But the Shit House was paying for it and like I told you before they was cheap as a two-dollar shop, except cheaper. We was glad to see Hamid again, though it be like getting a shadow back instead a the man, I swear.

  Thirty-One

  ‘Bogan.’

  ‘That’s Togan,’ I said, standing in the doorway a the office. ‘I wanna word.’

  ‘And what’s in it for me?’ Clarence scratched his belly and leaned back further in his chair. ‘My words ain’t cheap. Not like your mother.’ He licked him ugly lips.

  ‘My mother runs the place where your mother spreads hers. Anyway, I think you’ll find there’s something in it for you.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Like maybe you won’t get what you deserve to get. What is life.’

  ‘That’s what it feels like I got when I have to look at your fugly face every day, Bogan.’

  ‘Togan to youse, mate. And you’ll be seeing a lot more a the likes a me when they send you up the proverbial.’

  ‘Why don’t you fuck off outta my face, Bogan-ville. I got real work to do.’

  ‘Like writing incident reports, mate? There been a few incidents lately, eh, mate. You gonna be writing about how you fucked her for the smack what you been getting through Hadeon?’ I pulled some jellybeans outta me pocket and popped them into me mouth.

  A shadow passed over Clarence’s creepy girl eyes.

  ‘You really do have an arsehole for a mouth. Shit just pours out of it.’
<
br />   I chewed and swallowed, taking me time. ‘I have evidence. Photos, mate.’

  Clarence stared hard at me. I stared hard back.

  He snorted. ‘No way…’

  ‘I’m not joking. I got you coming outta Lima Dorm at the time a the crime, and I happens to know you didn’t exactly sign in neither.’ Thank you, Anna, I thought. ‘And I got another happy snap of you handing something to your mate Hadeon right afterwards. Anyway, as me mum likes to say, it’ll all come out in the wash. What be a met-oh-four.’

  ‘What the fuck are you talking about, Bogan?’

  ‘A met-oh-four be when—’

  ‘Cut to the fucken chase, Bogan.’

  ‘Well. Sometimes you put a red T-shirt in together with white socks and undies. And then, when all them colours come out in the wash, well, it ain’t so good in factuality.’ About halfway through me explanation I began to wonder if I’d picked the right met-oh-four after all, but I forged on like I knew where I be going with it.

  ‘If you’re fucking with me…Show me these photos.’

  ‘They’re already Outside. With a friend. Undeveloped. All I need to do is say the word.’

  I had time to eat a few more jellybeans while I waited for him to say something.

  ‘Who else…who else have you told this bullshit to?’

  I shrugged.

  ‘What do you want from me exactly, Bogan?’

  ‘Now we’s talking business. Jellybean?’