by Jack J. Lee
Reach out and touch her. But it very definitely has to be the right kind of touch.
Classical actors use their body language, words, and tone to convey emotions they don’t have. Method actors display the thoughts and the emotions they’re actually feeling. We are born method actors. We have to study and train to become classical actors. Unless you’re a great classical actor and have the skills to pretend otherwise, every emotion and thought you have is displayed in your voice, face, and touch.
Every guy has experienced a phenomenon I call the spontaneous stiffy. Teenage boys who experience this reaction almost always get an ‘Oh shit’ expression on their face and they jerk forward to decrease the pressure on their crotch. You are immediately self-conscious because it is embarrassing. It is not sexy or attractive.
The girl you’re slow dancing with knows what’s happening even if you can keep your bulge from touching her. Men eventually grow out of physical stiffies; the mental ones never go away. It doesn’t matter if your wood is physical or mental, a woman can usually tell. A man with lust in his heart has a different touch than a man who doesn’t.
You’re friends with a girl with an awesome personality. You really like her but you aren’t physically attracted to her at all. One day you’re giving her a friendly hug good-bye and you get the feeling she’s imagining you naked. How do you feel? I’m going to bet it’s not good.
Being desired by someone we want is wonderful; being desired by someone we don’t is repulsive. Men and women are different. I’m speaking in generalities here and there are always exceptions to the rule, but if a woman is physically attractive, we usually want her. A woman has to like a man—no matter how attractive he is, before she wants him.
If you put your arm around a girl while mentally undressing her, you’re making a sexual pass. It’s a really awesome way to make her uncomfortable.
So why am I encouraging you to touch her? Before I answer this question, I want you to imagine a happy family on a picnic. Form the mental image of the dad affectionately rubbing his son’s head and giving his daughter a quick hug has he rough houses with them. The mom calls the family to the meal by name and she lightly touches them as she sends them off to do this and that. The brother laughingly insults his younger sister and she playfully slaps him in return.
Now imagine a dysfunctional family eating a meal in silence. There are no displays of affection. The family members hardly ever touch each other—it’s really hard to show affection without touch. That’s why you want to touch the girl you like.
The greatest players are amazing actors; they can fake affection and caring. If you’re reading this book, statistical probability indicates you’re not a player. In which case, you’re better off not trying to fake anything because you’re bad at it.
If you don’t like a girl, don’t touch her. If you like her, be affectionate. If you’re happy to see her, give her a hug. Pat her on the shoulder when you want her attention or want to make a point. We all want to be liked. We all want affection. It is extremely difficult to be happy if you’re not liked.
It’s ironic, but beautiful women have a harder time getting affection than not-so-beautiful women. Other women are jealous. Men are often too intimidated or too lust-filled give them a simple friendly hug. Learn how to use this technique and you might be surprised how much of a positive response you get.
It’s almost impossible to NOT think of something. Don’t try to NOT think of her physical looks. Instead think about how happy you are to see her. Think about why you like her—her sense of humor, her kindness, or how interesting she is—as you touch her.
In the same way there are physical laws of the universe, there are emotional and spiritual laws. Eventually what you send out into the universe comes back. There’s a reason why the best players are almost always miserable and unhappy.
When you pick up a girl, try to be in a game where both of you win. Being with you shouldn’t mean she loses. When I write, “Be the gift that keeps on giving,” I’m trying to be funny—but underneath the joke is a core of truth.
Chapter 8: The golden rule, white lies, and nagging
If you’ve only dated one girl, you won’t be able to tell if her flaws and good points are individual to her or if these traits are universal to all women. The advantage to dating multiple women is that you’re soon forced to lose all hope. God promised man He’d leave incredible women in all the four corners of the Earth. And then He made the world round.
Most of the feminine traits that drive men crazy are universal to all women. If you’re heterosexual and you want to be with a woman, you have to learn how to deal with the differences between us and them.
We all know the golden rule; treat others like you want to be treated. Under pressure we instinctively treat the people we love or hope to love the way we’d want to be treated. If you treat a woman like a man, you’ll die alone—even worse, end up trapped with a pissed off woman for a very long time.
Why are divorces so expensive? They’re worth it. You don’t want to be the guy who knows through personal experience why they’re worth it.
When’s the last time you wanted to be treated like a girl? Growing up when you saw your father kiss your sister and call her beautiful, did you feel jealous? Did you long to be called handsome by your dad?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you don’t want what I’ve got to sell. I’d encourage you to return this book and get a refund. If you answered no to all three questions, please read on.
Let’s take it for granted that you don’t want to be treated like a woman. The woman you love or hope to love doesn’t want to be treated like a man. You need to treat her like she wants to be treated; you need to help her treat you like you want to be treated.
This is easier said than done. Following the golden rule is easy. You instinctively know what makes you happy; you don’t instinctively know what makes her happy. The things that please you often annoy her.
Men, especially nerds, tend to be analytical. We want to understand why things happen. You’ve likely been trying to understand since childhood why women do what they do. And you’ve been failing.
Just out of curiosity, I once performed a simple experiment. I asked men and women what they’d do if they just got married and only had enough money to furnish one room at a time. Would they buy an entertainment center they’d use every day or a dining room set they’d use once or twice a year? They had to choose one or the other; they couldn’t have both.
Every man I asked told me that they’d buy the entertainment center. More than ninety percent of the women told me they’d buy the dining room set. I understood why men wanted to buy something they’d use every day over something they’d use just once or twice a year.
I tried to grasp why anyone would want to buy a dining room set. I asked women to explain. Imagine someone trying to describe colors to a person who’s been blind from birth; that’s how I felt while these women described the logical progression behind their choice. As much as I tried, I couldn’t follow their logic. I couldn’t see what they were seeing.
Men like to claim that all women are crazy. Who is crazier, the insane person or the man who’s trying everything possible to be with the insane person? Don’t throw stones; in our own way we’re just as crazy as them.
I decided, after my experiment, not to waste time trying to understand WHY women were different. I focused instead on HOW they were different. Once I started looking at ‘what they did’ rather than ‘why they did.’ I found out that women are surprisingly consistent and easy to predict.
Men hate being lied to—even if it’s a white lie. Women not only like white lies—they ask for them.
When a woman asks you, “Does this dress make me look fat?” The right answer is NEVER, “Honey, dresses don’t make you look fat. Fat makes you look fat.”
If a woman asks you, “Do you ever fantasize about other women while we have sex?” Answering, “Sometimes” will result in
pain, I promise you. She’ll never forget this answer.
If your wife asks you, “What would you do if I died?” Don’t tell her, “It’ll suck at first but eventually I’ll move on.” She’ll never forget this answer, either.
When a man asks a question he generally wants the truth—good or bad. If he asks a woman, ‘does this jacket match my pants’, he really doesn’t know if they match or not—he wants the truth. There are times when women answer men with white lies because that’s what they’d want. When we find out we’ve been lied to, we get pissed. If a man doesn’t want a real answer to a question, he doesn’t ask the question. No man who has the delusion that he’s hot ever asks a woman, “Am I good looking?”
With women, there are times where they want the truth and they’re times where they expect white lies—it’s obvious to them which are which. Unfortunately, it’s not always so obvious to us—this often leads to problems because it’s difficult for them to understand how hard it is for us to know when to lie. When we get it wrong (How can you get it wrong? It’s so obvious!), they think we’re insulting them on purpose.
When a woman gets upset, she usually wants to talk because that’s what makes her feel better. When a man gets upset, he tends to withdraw because that’s what makes him feel better. It’s sad and ironic, but the things that make a woman feel better tend to make a man feel miserable and vice versa.
It’s through our fights with women that we ultimately learn if we love them or not. Only a man in love can truly be miserable. If the woman you’re with doesn’t have the power to make you truly miserable, you probably don’t care enough about her. If you haven’t wanted to kill a girl at least once, you shouldn’t marry her.
A couple that never fights, a relationship where there isn’t any conflict, is boring. Boredom kills relationships faster than pain. But pain and misery need to be like garlic on a steak. A little bit adds spice and interest; too much destroys the meal. You don’t need to be afraid of conflict and disagreements, but you also shouldn’t let arguments get out of control.
The most common sign of an unhappy woman is nagging. When a woman nags, it’s a sign that she isn’t getting enough positive attention. When a woman doesn’t get enough positive attention, she’ll instinctively seek negative attention.
If a puppy goes potty in the corner of your room, it’s not enough to spray air freshener over the doggy doo. You have to remove the poop. You have to address the root problem. When a woman nags, it’s not enough to do what she asks. You have to give her the positive attention she needs.
The best way to give a woman who is nagging positive attention is to lie. It’s unpleasant to be nagged. When a woman is angry with you, it is extremely difficult not to be angry back. The greatest gift you can give a woman when you’re angry is a lie; you have to tell her you love her when you don’t—at that moment.
Women may be crazy, but they aren’t stupid. When you tell them you love them when you really want to kill them, they know that you’re telling the Mount Everest of white lies—and they’ll love you for it. You’ll be amazed at how quickly they stop being angry.
I know this sounds insane. The only way you’ll believe me is if you try it and it works. If you’re being driven nuts by the woman you love, what have you got to lose?
Chapter 9: The value of experience
There are men who are content to be with just one woman for their entire lives. I wasn’t one of them. I’ve dated hundreds of women. By the time I was in my late twenties, the standard pick up became so easy that it was almost boring. The more experience I got, the more jaded I became. I dealt with this by becoming more and more extreme. It wasn’t until a prostitute wanted to have a relationship with me that I realized I needed to change my path—that the extreme wasn’t working for me.
After that, I became much pickier about the women I asked out. It took a lot of trial and error but I eventually learned that I preferred quality over quantity. For some men, two fives make a ten—for others it adds up to fifty-five. It helps to know which one you are.
I know many intelligent men. I’ve never met one who was smart enough to learn from other people’s mistakes. The best I’ve seen anyone do is to learn from his own mistakes after a couple of failures rather than hundreds, or never.
My goal isn’t to try to help you avoid mistakes. I encourage you to make them; no one gets better at anything without mistakes. My hope is that by reading this book, you’ll learn how to avoid making the same mistake over and over again.
We can choose how we act. We can’t choose what we want. If we could, would anyone pick being homosexual? Our society has become more tolerant, but life is still much harder for those who are different. I suspect that if people had a choice, very few would choose to be that kind of different. Since we don’t have the ability to choose what we want, the best we can do is to understand the parameters of our own desires. To do that, we need experience.
There are men out there who marry their high school sweethearts and are happy to be with that one woman for the rest of their lives. There are others who are miserable in the same situation. It helps to know which one you are before you get engaged.
When I was a player hopping from one woman to the next, I was never satisfied. I was always bored. I thought I didn’t have it in me to be happy or content. I may cause some of you to upchuck by writing this, but I didn’t know how to be happy until I met my wife.
Prior to meeting her, the longest I’d dated anyone was six months. My average relationship lasted three weeks. I had a lot of one night stands. All the time I’d spent in the past getting into failed relationships, all the work I’d put into figuring out why they failed helped me recognize I’d found the one I was looking for. I knew on our second date I wanted to marry her. I proposed to her exactly one hundred days after our first date and I’ve been happy ever since.
Most of the people who knew me before my marriage thought it wouldn’t last—that I’d never be content with just one woman. Now when I go out with my male friends, I don’t notice attractive women unless my friends point them out for me. Whenever I focus on a pretty girl I don’t know, I get PTSD flashbacks of waking up next to a woman I didn’t like. I involuntarily recall countless breakup conversations—all agonizing in their own special ways. I know in my deepest core, how NOT green it is on the other side of the fence.
I’m not recommending you follow the path I did. Looking back at my life, I can’t believe how long it took for me to realize what I wanted. As a guy who’s always taken pride in my analytical skills, I’m embarrassed that it took hundreds of failures for me to understand what worked for me and what didn’t.
Few players have the ability to hang it up like me. What makes me different? It probably has a lot to do with my oxytocin levels.
Oxytocin is a neurochemical that is also known as ‘the love hormone.’ The inability to excrete oxytocin has been linked to the inability to feel empathy. The science of oxytocin secretion is not completely understood, but it appears that the pleasure of orgasms is directly linked to oxytocin levels you get during sex. The higher the concentration of oxytocin you get, the better the sex is.
It’s common knowledge that some women reach orgasm easily and that others don’t. It isn’t as well known that there’s a similar level of variability among men. For as many men out there with problems with premature ejaculation there are others who are able to obtain an erection but have difficulty coming. Just like women, these men fake orgasms. Our oxytocin levels during sex have a lot to do with how enjoyable or even addicting sex can be for us.
Every study on human sexuality has revealed that infidelity is common, but it isn’t as common as fidelity. We can be cynical because cheating occurs frequently or we can be optimistic because there are more monogamous couples than non-monogamous.
There are two extremes of oxytocin production during sex. In one there is a low level of oxytocin the first time a person has sex with another followed by steadily increasing
levels as long as the person is having sex with the same partner until a high plateau is reached. If you have this pattern, you tend to be monogamous because sex with a new partner isn’t that good and sex with the old partner is great.
On the other extreme, there is a huge bolus of oxytocin produced the first time a person is with a new partner, followed by steadily decreasing levels of oxytocin each time the two of them have sex. There are case reports of people who claim that sex with a new partner gives them a better high than shooting up heroin. Not surprisingly, these people frequently become addicted to sex. If you have this pattern, it’s difficult for you to be monogamous.
Most of us fall somewhere in between these two extremes; more of us trend toward monogamy than otherwise.
Which pattern we follow is determined by our genes. In our lifetimes, it’ll likely be possible for us to get a genetic test to see if we’re prone to monogamy or not. Until then, the only way we can determine what kind of oxytocin pattern we have is to have sex and then see how we react.
I’m not religious but I’m also not anti-religion. For the most part, the happiest, most centered people I know are believers. The most irritating, un-centered people I know tend to be rabidly secular. If you have strong religious convictions that tell you to avoid premarital sex, please don’t break them on my account. There are too many advantages to living a life you’re proud of to give them all up for a bit of self-knowledge. But if you are having sex or if you’ve had sex outside of marriage, it’s a waste not to learn something from your experiences.
Biology is not destiny. I had no idea how good sex could be until I found a woman I loved. The fact that one night stands didn’t feel all that great didn’t stop me from having them over and over again. We have the ability to overcome our genetic preferences, but our lives are much better if we understand them.
If you’re the kind of guy that has incredible, mind-blowing sex the first time you’re with a woman and are bored out of your mind by the twentieth time, you have the ability to remain committed and faithful, but you’ll eventually lose interest in having sex with her. You have the prerogative to live a life without enjoyable sex. But is it fair to make that decision for your partner without her knowledge?