by Jack J. Lee
Women have the same oxytocin patterns as men. You may be the monogamous type but if you’re thinking about committing long term to a woman who was out of control when you were first with her and now she’s yawning, you may want to re-think that commitment.
If you’re lucky enough to end up with the perfect woman in your first or second relationship, I’m happy for you. If you aren’t, learn from your failed relationships. Science is a fancy name for trial and error. You’re a nerd. You should be open to using science to improve your life. Try not the date the same kind of women over and over again. Try to learn what you really want. Figure out what works for you.
Chapter 10: Learn the difference between real and fake friendships
A true friend likes you exactly as you are. They know all your flaws and they don’t care. You never have to worry about putting your best foot forward or hiding your real opinions when you’re around your friends.
It’s easy to tell who your guy friends are because you don’t want to have sex with any of them. If a guy is annoying, he isn’t a friend.
It’s harder with women. Sexual tension makes it difficult for us to see what’s real and what isn’t. A woman may be annoying but if she’s hot, you might be reluctant to avoid her.
It doesn’t matter whether they’re male or female, physically attractive or unattractive: if you want to sleep with someone, that person is a potential lover and not a friend. We always treat our lovers and potential lovers differently than we treat our friends.
Most men aren’t good listeners. We love to complain about women. We love to converse about sports and gear but we don’t really listen to anyone except people we want to sleep with. Even with them, most of the time we’re pretending we’re paying attention. If you’ve never patiently listened to a friend weep and patted his hand with sympathy as he explains how his girlfriend hurt him, you’re probably not acting like yourself when you do the same for an attractive girl. You’re being a fake friend.
I recommend you stop doing that for reasons both moral and practical.
I’ll review the moral reason first. It isn’t good Karma to fake being someone you’re not. You may be able to fake being sensitive and caring while you’re horny, but as soon as you’re satisfied you’ll revert to your old self. You won’t be able to help it; that’s just how the male brain works. If the girl fell for your act and started dating you, you’d never be able to keep it up. It’s always unethical to pull a bait and switch.
The practical reason for not being a fake friend is it will never lead to what you want. In movies and novels, fake friends often end up with the girl. This happens because almost all male script writers and novelists are nerds who make livings writing about their fantasies. It doesn’t happen in real life.
If the girl really wants to be your friend, she REALLY isn’t attracted to you. The best you can hope for is being loved like an adopted brother. If she’s anything close to normal, she will not be attracted to family members.
“But”, you protest, “being a fake friend is working! Just the other day she said, ‘I wish my boyfriend was more like you’. She’s totally into me!”
Let’s analyze her statement. First what were you doing when she said that? The odds were good that you were doing something men almost never do—you were carefully listening to her. You were also caring and empathetic. To put it bluntly, you weren’t acting like a man; you were acting like a girl.
When men get frustrated with their girlfriends, they often say, “I wish she’d be reasonable!” Men often wish women would be more like men.
When a girl gets frustrated with her boyfriend, she often says, “I wish he’d stop being so stupid and insensitive!” She’s wishing that her boyfriend would be more like a girl. So when a frustrated girl compares you favorably to her ex or current boyfriend, she’s comparing you (an honorary girl) to him (a real man).
Unfortunately for you, in a competition for a heterosexual girl’s affections, an honorary girl never beats a real man.
You don’t have to be an asshat or treat a woman badly to be a real man. There’s a fine line that separates ‘nice guy’ from ‘honorary girl’. You just need to avoid stepping over that line.
If you don’t want to be effectively neutered in a woman’s eyes, you mustn’t let her complain about ex or current boyfriend to you. Seriously, do you really want to hear this?
So how do you stop her? My initial suggestion is to yawn. It’s not hard to make a yawn when you’re really bored. Most women will get the message and let you change the topic. If a yawn doesn’t stop her, say this: “I’d much rather talk about us than him.”
It’s a bold statement that cuts through all the bullshit. It tells her exactly where you stand. A woman wouldn’t be talking to you about another guy if she was interested in you. The odds are high that she’ll reject you, but at least now you will no longer be wasting time and energy on a false hope.
Chapter 11: How to talk to a girl
The pick up line is the first step. The girl is now willing to hear your spiel. What are you going to say?
I’ll list a few techniques that I used to make small talk with women. If they fit your personality, you’re welcome to use them. If they don’t, try to come up with other techniques that better fit your style.
My goal isn’t to turn you into a mini, less-original version of me. I’m trying to give you the tools to turn you into the best you possible. I’m attempting to help you find the girl you want to be with long term. Your relationship is doomed if you start it off by pretending to be someone you’re not. Whatever technique you use, it has to be consistent with the real you.
If you try to talk to her about the things you’re interested in—sports, electronic equipment, cars, et al—the odds are high you’ll bore her in seconds. There are girls who are interested in this kind of stuff, but they’re extremely rare. Please don’t ask her deep probing questions about herself. We’ve talked about that before—that’ll just turn you into an honorary girl. It’s bad enough when a girl is trying to neuter you—don’t castrate yourself.
If I wanted to try humor, I’d sometimes use this opening line, “What does a man with a twelve-inch penis eat for breakfast?”
Most times, she’d be taken aback—not knowing how to deal with a guy who starts a conversation about penises. I’d just sit there with a grin on my face waiting for her to say, “I…I don’t know.”
It’s essential you put on a ridiculous look of pride on your face as you say, “Well, I eat oatmeal.”
Don’t laugh after you say this line. When she starts laughing in surprise, pretend to be offended.
If your timing and facial expression is just right, she’ll begin laughing even harder. When she finally stops, you claim, “I’m not joking!” If you time this right, she’ll lose it, again.
If the joke goes well, stop talking about penises—one risqué joke is funny and unusual. It’s funny because it’s unexpected. Multiple dirty jokes in a row to a girl you don’t really know is creepy.
You’ve broken the ice; now tell her all the funny stories you know. Talk about the time you almost got arrested and then ask her if anything like that happened to her. Your goal isn’t to be a standup comic; it’s to get to know her in an entertaining way. Every joke and story you tell should lead to a light-hearted question prompting her to tell a story of her own.
Almost everyone has a story about how they snuck out of their house without their parent’s knowledge. Get her to tell you if she ever did that.
If the opening joke didn’t go well, find another girl to talk to—first impressions are important and you’ve just blown it.
Let’s pretend that you’re not funny and way too uptight to ever tell a penis joke—especially to a girl you just met. You can still learn something. Let’s analyze why this was one of my favorite opening lines.
1. It was unusual. Very few men tell risqué jokes to women they’re trying to pick up.
2. It was self-depreca
ting. I was encouraging the girl to laugh at me.
3. It takes a lot of confidence to pull a joke like this off. Women are attracted to confidence.
Any conversational approach that is unusual, self-deprecating, and exudes confidence will work.
What if you’re dead set on learning something about the girl? If that’s how you want to play it, try to keep the usual boring questions like, “Where are you from? What do you do?” to a minimum. Try to ask questions no man has ever asked them before. One of my favorite opening lines was, “Everything about you screams ‘Virgin’ to me.”
Whenever I said this, I’d get embarrassed laughter. Then they’d ask why I got that vibe. I would list every trait that made the woman look like ‘a girl next door.’ I’d talk about the pastel colors she was wearing, the minimal, subtle make up she had on, and how her entire vibe gave me the impression, she wasn’t experienced.
I’d ask her if she’d picked the colors she was wearing on purpose. I’d get her talking about what kind of style she had and what kind of guys she thought she attracted with that style. I knew that things were going well if I could get the girl to tell me if she was a virgin or not.
Again, let’s pretend that you can’t ever see yourself telling anyone she looks like a virgin. What can you learn from this technique?
1. I wasn’t asking questions the girl had answered thousands of times before.
2. I was making her think. Women usually don’t consider why they’re picking one color versus another. Everyone knows that different colors convey different emotions. I made these women think about the message they were sending. Because of our conversation, the girl was learning something new about herself.
3. I was giving her a subtle compliment. Few women, especially women who have the ‘girl next door’ style want to look like sluts.
4. By bringing up what her appearance told me about her and getting the girl to confirm if I was right or not, I was provoking an actual back and forth conversation. Too often discussions between men and women devolve into just one person talking and the other relegated to saying ‘Uh-huh’, ‘yes’, ‘no’, and ‘how interesting’. These one-sided conversations are almost always deathly boring.
I’ll make these points over and over again: Be different! Be creative! And don’t be slimy. Body language is actually more important than the words you’re using. Instinctively we all know words can be lies. Instinctively we all know that very few people can use body language to lie. If you are undressing the girl in your mind, if you’re imagining having sex with her, she might not know why she’s uncomfortable but she’ll definitely be uncomfortable.
If all you’re focusing on when you talk to the girl is how to make your conversation fun for her, she’ll be able to sense that.
So what do you do if you aren’t funny or creative? You study and learn a topic that bores the hell out of most guys and interests most women, like palm reading, astrology, and fashion. The average guy will scoot away from you if you offer to read his palm. Most women are fascinated by this stuff. Buy a book on palm reading and astrology and learn enough about it that you actually know your stuff. Too many women actually know enough about these topics for it to be safe for you to bullshit your way through it. The women that know something about palm reading and astrology will be the ones who are most impressed by your knowledge. They’ll think, “Finally! Here is a man who knows something interesting.”
If you can’t force yourself to learn mystical mumbo-jumbo, try being the first heterosexual man she’s ever met who knows the difference between Manolo Blahnik and Jimmy Choo shoes. Heterosexual men who know fashion are extremely rare. You’ll stand out. If fashion doesn’t work for you, find another topic women like.
Genius is one percent inspiration, nine-nine percent perspiration. It takes hard work and a lot of practice to become a great conversationalist. Being able to talk to girls is a skill like any other. It isn’t a trait that will effortlessly, miraculously appear from inside you. If you think, study, and practice, you don’t have to suck at it.
Chapter 12: Pay attention to body language
Dr. Louann Brizendine, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco, claims that a woman uses about twenty thousand words per day, while a man uses about seven thousand. The corollary to this statement is that a woman can actually hear and process up to twenty thousand words a day while a man can only hear and process seven thousand. I’ve never read her work so I don’t know how robust her research is, but intuitively her claims make sense.
My life experiences tell me that the male and female brains are different and that the average woman uses way more words than an average man can hear and process.
I asked my wife to conduct an experiment with me. Like most wives, she has complained for years that I don’t hear a single word she says. I asked her to try to tell me the things she wanted me to remember in the mornings rather than the evenings. I wanted her to tell me important things before I’d reached the upper limits of words I was able to hear and process in a day. Our little experiment worked. I was much better at remembering things I heard in the morning than in the evening.
Since it is impossible for you to hear every word that a girl is saying to you, I’d advise you to stop trying. Men have a limited ability to listen to women. As long as a woman’s attractive, we have an unlimited ability to watch her. Since it’s inherently impossible for you to hear and remember every word she says, use her visual cues and her body language to determine what you need to hear and what you don’t.
Let’s be honest here—most women bore us in the same most men bore women. It is interesting to watch an attractive woman. More often than not, it is not interesting to listen to her. If you’re doing something interesting, you’re less likely to fall into a daydream. By watching her, you’ll be able to tell when you have to listen.
When people say something important to them, they tend to go completely still or they make a forceful motion. Watch for these signs; when you see them listen carefully. When you don’t it’s probably okay to let the woman’s words flow past you.
When you’re picking up a girl and when you’re on your first date, you’ll want to remember everything she thinks is important. Watch to see if she is leaning toward you or away from you—away is bad. Is she moving her hands as she talks or does she have her arms crossed—arms crossed is bad. The best of all signals is if she runs her fingers through her hair when she looks at you. This usually means she’s physically attracted to you.
When she shows you the bad signs, change what you’re doing—it isn’t working. When she shows you the right signs, you’re on the right track—keep it going.
After you’re married or if you’re living with a girl, life will be a lot easier for you if you take a second to take in the light of your life’s body language when you come home. If she gives you a quick kiss hello and then turns her head away from you talking to you as she does other stuff, you’re fine—it’s safe to let her words become white noise.
If she keeps eye contact with you—worse has her hands on her hips or arms crossed—you’re in deep shit; you’d better listen to what she has to say. She’s already pissed; you don’t want to piss her off more by making her repeat herself.
Chapter 13: There’s a better way to kiss her good night
The end of the date tends to stressful for both men and women. The woman’s thinking, ‘Is he going to try to kiss me?’ The guy is thinking, ‘Is she going to let me kiss her?’ It doesn’t have to be this awkward.
You’re at the girl’s door and she hasn’t asked you in. If she asks you in, don’t be a fool—go in.
She’ll probably thank you for a nice night out. You tell her it was your pleasure and then you make eye contact and slowly enter her personal space. If she steps back, she doesn’t want to be kissed. Give her a polite smile, wave good-bye, and leave. You’ve been rejected with the least amount of awkwardness possible. Depending on how good the
rest of the date was, you may or may not want to call her again.
If she doesn’t step back, she wants to kiss you. Congratulations, now get it done as confidently as possible.
There aren’t that many opportunities in real life to watch other people kiss. I’ve noticed that in movies, the guy seems to always move forward for the kiss rather than pulling the girl toward him. Most women at one point in their life have had a fantasy of being swept away by a man. Pulling the girl toward you plays into that fantasy.
There’s only one first kiss in a relationship. You might as well sweep her away. Reach out with one hand and place it on the small of her back, pull her toward you, and kiss her.
Chapter 14: Say the right words before she does
Please skip this chapter if you’re not interested in premarital sex. I seriously considered leaving this chapter out because it’s the only chapter where I’m going to teach you something that’s completely manipulative. After much thought and internal debate, I asked myself if I wanted my own son to know this trick. My answer was yes, which led to another question. Would I want my daughter to know this trick? Every player I’ve ever met uses this technique. I decided I absolutely wanted my daughter to recognize when this trick was being used on her.
It’s a simple secret. If you tell a girl, “I don’t want to sleep with you tonight. I want to take it slow” before she does, the chances of you being able to sleep with her that night will skyrocket.