Trust Again_Dawn and Spencer's Story

by Mona Kasten

  Nolan nodded and smiled. “Good. Anyone else?”

  “Adjectives aren’t always bad, but they should be used strategically. The last few paragraphs that were read aloud were kind of monotonous and didn’t really work as creative writing.” As I spoke, I felt my heart speed up.

  “Exactly! Very good, Dawn.” Nolan clapped his hands and then tossed his hair back from his face.

  We spoke a while about descriptions, the difference between persons and objects, and before I knew it my third session of the writing workshop was over.

  “Dawn, I’d like to speak with you a minute,” Nolan said, as we all stood and picked up his blankets from the floor.

  I broke out into a cold sweat and my heart started to skip beats. What if he hated what I’ve written? I tried to calm down, but even the breathing exercises I’d practiced for my presentations didn’t help.

  Gradually the others left the room and I went up to the lectern, clutching the straps of my backpack.

  “Yes, Professor Gates?”

  “Nolan,” he corrected me again, automatically, while grabbing a few papers from the pile on the lectern. “I read the assignments you completed. They are really good. You have a very nice, picturesque writing style. I was especially moved by your piece on the theme of betrayal.”

  My heartbeat pounded in my ears and all I wanted to do was sit down so my shaky knees wouldn’t betray me. “You really mean it?”

  Nolan placed the papers on his desk and leaned back with his arms crossed. “Of course I mean it. You’ve done a great job and deserve recognition for it. Any idea what you want to do after graduation?”

  A bit embarrassed, I picked at my fingernails.

  “All I want to do is write. Every day. And be able to earn a living from it,” I said. It was the first time I’d said it aloud. Feigning a casual attitude, I shrugged. “But I know it’s a common dream and nearly impossible to achieve…”

  “Stop putting down your own dreams,” he interrupted me gently but firmly. “So you want to support yourself as a writer. Do you already know what you want to write? Prose? Literature for teens? For adults?”

  Since I certainly couldn’t tell him that I already had published my own erotic stories, I thought over my answer a bit and looked down at my shoes.

  “I’m looking forward to reading more of your work, Dawn. I’ve made a few notes in the margins that might help with the next assignments. Even though I was really impressed with your work already,” Nolan said, handing the pile of papers to me. “Keep it up.”

  “That’s amazing!” Allie said, grasping both my hands. “So something good came out of the craziness with Professor Walden after all.”

  It was the evening of Allie’s surprise party and my job was to distract her until it was time. Kaden and I had planned it all out: As soon as everything was ready he would send a text message to her saying that something was wrong with Spidey, and that we should come over and help him bring the cat to the vet. Not a very nice cover story, but at least it would keep her mind off any possible surprises.

  “I’ve never gotten so much praise from a professor,” I told Allie, as she made herself comfortable on my bed.

  “I’m sure you do great work and I’m so glad he recognizes it. You deserve it,” she said as if it were obvious. I was stunned.

  Would she think the same if she knew what kind of stories I was writing to pay my rent?

  We spent the next few hours giving ourselves spa treatments. I curled her hair, and we did facials using yogurt masks. Then we put on makeup, trying out some of Allie’s new products.

  Just as I was about to play some feel-good music on my computer, an email alert popped up, announcing a new message. Glancing at the subject, I saw that it was a new review of Hot for You. My euphoric mood evaporated the moment I saw the headline.

  Cheap, cheaper, cheapest, D. Lily

  I swallowed hard. Even though I knew it was a bad idea to keep reading, I couldn’t help myself. The words scrolled before my eyes and a dull ache started in the center of my chest.

  I don’t usually write reviews but this time it feels necessary. The terrible writing compels me to protect readers from wasting their money on this book.

  It’s fascinating how suddenly every bored housewife seems to think she has to write trashy bodice-rippers. D. Lily’s style leaves a lot to be desired and the characters are clichéd. The sex scenes are cheap and dull, and anatomically speaking, they’re impossible. Thank God this trash is not available in paperback—it would, however, make good kindling.

  “Dawny? Everything okay?” Allie asked, sitting upright.

  I bit my cheek. “Yeah. Everything’s fine.”

  This was Allie’s night and I had to focus on that, not on the flood of harsh criticism sitting in my email. Man did that hurt! Especially since I’d put so much time and effort into my writing. Maybe it was for the best, spending this evening with friends. I was looking forward to the surprise party.

  “I just accidentally deleted my playlist,” I said and pointed to Watson.

  “Aha.” Allie didn’t seem totally convinced. Luckily, at that moment her phone buzzed. She dug it out of her bag and checked the message. It was awful to watch the color drain from her face, and I wished I could just tell her the truth right now. But Kaden and Spencer had sworn me to secrecy.

  “I have to go home,” Allie said, jumping up. “Something’s wrong with Spidey. Kaden said he’s not eating and he hid under the sofa after throwing up. That’s not like Spidey.”

  Her eyes looked suspiciously shiny, and I could have punched us all in the nose. How could we have thought, even for a second, that it was a good idea to use this, of all excuses, to get Allie back home?

  “He’ll be okay. Sometimes cats hack up fur balls,” I said, resting my hand on her arm. “Give me your keys. I’ll drive.”

  Chapter 17

  We got to Allie’s and Kaden’s apartment in record time. My friend had her seatbelt off before I could shut off the engine.

  Thanks to her frequent hikes with Kaden, Allie had become pretty fit. She took the steps two at a time and reached her apartment door before I’d even gotten up the final staircase. She didn’t seem to care that I had her keys—she started banging on the door. Kaden opened it just as I made it up the stairs. He was holding Spidey, scratching the cat under the chin. Spidey was actually wearing a party hat.

  “What the…” Allie managed to say before everybody gathered inside cried out: “surprise!”

  It wasn’t like in the movies, and wasn’t totally in unison, but it did the trick.

  Allie burst into tears.

  Running to her, I embraced her from behind. “Surprise!” I chimed in and held her tight.

  “Do come in!” Kaden joked, with a grin.

  Allie sounded like she was choking and I let go so she could move forward. Immediately she was surrounded by our friends, who overwhelmed her with hugs.

  Monica had done an amazing job: The whole living room was draped with paper garlands, lanterns, and strings of lights. A huge silver “20” and a bevy of other balloons floated above the dining table.

  Music filled the living room and there was pizza and finger food on the table. My mouth was already watering.

  “The surprise party was Dawn’s idea,” Spencer said.

  “Come on, you and Kaden had just as much to do with it,” I added, returning Allie’s beaming smile.

  “Thanks so much, you guys. You didn’t have to do this,” she said, her voice breaking. She leaned against Kaden and wrapped her arms around him.

  “Oh yes, we did have to,” he said, his lips forming a grin against her forehead. “Just wait till you get your gift.”

  “Hey, I thought the party was the gift!”

  “Aw, Bubbles.” Now Kaden looked at me. “Isn’t she cute?”

  �
��And how! The sweetest almost-birthday girl for miles around,” I agreed.

  “I can’t believe you guys planned this all behind my back.”

  “The look on your face was worth it. Even though I nearly spilled the beans after you read Kaden’s message,” I said, with a guilty look.

  “Spidey is fine, so all’s well that ends well.” She sighed. “But what did I do to deserve all this?”

  I stroked her hair. “You deserve everything good in this world, Allie Harper.” Her eyes were looking suspiciously wet again and I raised a finger in mock warning. “Don’t you cry again, girlfriend!”

  Pressing her lips together, she flapped her hands in front of her face, willing her tears not to fall.

  More of Kaden and Allie’s friends arrived while I busied myself with food prep. The party was fun, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the bad review of my latest novel. True, Professor Gates had complemented me for my writing style today, but the negative voice in my head was louder. It was dumb to obsess about this one bad review instead of basking in the opinion of a professor who knew what he was talking about. But I couldn’t help it.

  “Psst!”

  Looking up, I saw Spencer standing in the doorway to Kaden’s office. When I reached his side, he took me by the arm and pulled me close as he shut the door behind us.

  “You still have to sign this,” he said, pointing to Kaden’s desk. A beautiful card with a photo of Coos Bay lay there in front of the two computer screens; in a looping script, the message on the card instructed Allie to save next weekend for a group trip to the coast.

  “It’s so pretty,” I said, signing the card and drawing a little heart under my name. “That was such a good idea, Spence.”

  He returned my smile. “Yeah, right? We’re a good team.”

  Before I could respond, he lifted his hand.

  “I have something for you, too.”

  “But it’s not my birthday.”

  “I know. It’s just a little something. Wait.” He turned toward the closet across the room and then pivoted back to me. “Close your eyes.”

  I made a sour face.

  “Close ‘em or you won’t get your surprise.”

  Sighing, I closed my eyes. I heard him open the closet door and fumble around in it. Then the door clicked shut.

  “Open your eyes,” he said abruptly.

  Spencer was holding a huge balloon that was printed with the faces of the boys from One Direction. I was dumbfounded for a moment but then I had to laugh. He poked his head out from behind the balloon, and his crooked grin made little dimples appear in his cheeks.

  “I thought it would be unfair if Allie was the only one to get balloons while my girl goes away empty-handed,” he explained, holding out the balloon.

  I reached out for the blue ribbon and looked down. Oh no.

  No, no, no.

  Now was not the time for tears. I squeezed my eyes shut and held my breath. Exhaling audibly, I dared to look up at Spencer again.

  “I’m sure Allie’s going to be jealous.” I pulled the ribbon a few times to make the balloon jump. “Thanks.”

  “Any time,” he joked. His smile had slipped a bit, but he quickly recovered. “Let’s get back to the living room—we wouldn’t want the others to think we’re getting up to something in here.”

  My cheeks grew hot again, and my eyes narrowed. He just laughed, and went to the door.

  “After you, m’lady,” he said and bowed.

  “Why? So you can stare at my behind?” I shot back.

  “Never underestimate the power of your sweet behind, Dawn.”

  Scott kept on trying to get me to drink, to no avail. I’d seen Spencer with a beer in his hand; it was still half full when he switched over to water. Come to think of it, I’d hardly ever seen Spencer drinking alcohol, and even if he grabbed a beer he rarely finished it. It only made the night he had gotten drunk seem more out of character for him.

  I found myself wondering again about his family, but then drove those thoughts from my mind. In recent weeks I’d been driving myself crazy thinking about it, and it couldn’t go on like this. At least not tonight: It would soon be Allie’s actual birthday. I should concentrate on that, not on Spencer.

  But I couldn’t help it.

  He’d caught me looking at him several times. Once it was when he was talking to a guy I didn’t know; then there was the time when he was standing in a crowd of girls who were all laughing at something he’d said.

  The third occasion was when he was talking with Kaden and just happened to unbutton the sleeves of his checked shirt and roll them up. He took his time, and I only noticed that he’d caught me staring when he was done. He glanced at me sidelong with a hint of a smile, which made me look down again at my pop.

  Less than a minute later I saw his gray Chucks approaching; he plopped down next to me on the couch.

  “You’ve been staring at me all evening,” he said softly.

  “Really?”

  “I’m pretty sure about it, yeah.”

  “Couldn’t I also be staring at whoever you’re talking to?”

  He bumped his shoulder into mine. “Then you were just looking at Kaden like he was a piece of raw meat.”

  I snorted and hastily took a sip of my pop to avoid having to respond. Looking around the room, I couldn’t help noticing Allie throwing her arms around Kaden’s shoulders and kissing him. God, I wanted to be kissing someone! And I wouldn’t stop there, either. How long had it been since…?

  Wait. For a second I really had to think when the last time with Nate had been. It definitely felt like forever since I’d sworn off sex. I’d turned down every guy who’d asked me out. I’d shut myself off and withdrawn to avoid ever letting a guy get so close to me again. This was the first time I was seriously considering breaking my rule. Not on the emotional level, no way. But physically? Oh, yeah.

  “You look like you might just take Kaden into the next room and do what Chelsea does with Jasper in Chapter 8 of Hot for You,” Spencer said, leaning in close.

  “The desk scene is in Chapter 7,” I mumbled absentmindedly.

  A second later I realized my mistake. It hit me like a ton of lead. After what seemed like an eternity, I turned slowly toward Spencer.

  “Dawn Lily Edwards… I knew it,” he said and smiled almost gleefully. “I’m a damn good detective.”

  Had that just happened? My day couldn’t end this way. Not today of all days. I stared at Spencer wide-eyed.

  His smile deflated a bit. “Dawn, I…”

  I stood abruptly and with mechanical steps crossed the living room to the kitchen. Supporting myself on the counter, I took several deep breaths. Everything was tight in my chest, as if a fist were clenching inside.

  “When we were at my place, you said a few things that I didn’t understand,” came Spencer’s voice from behind me.

  I turned toward him. My breathing was jagged, and I hated my body for losing control so easily.

  “You had no right to—”

  “No right to what? To Google the names ‘Chelsea’ and ‘Jasper’ because I was curious?” Spencer stepped toward me and I automatically backed away.

  “No.”

  “Okay.” He raised his hands in surrender. “All I wanted to say is that I love what you’re doing. That’s it.”

  “You didn’t tell anyone, did you?” I asked in a panic, my hand clutching my chest.

  Spencer frowned and looked at me darkly. “I’ll pretend you didn’t ask that.”

  “Can… can we please not talk about it?”

  “But, why not?” He looked completely confused.

  “Because it’s private. I don’t want to be judged by everyone.” I clenched my teeth. This was not the night for a mental striptease in front of Spencer.

  He took another slow
step in my direction.

  “Does it feel like I’m judging you?”

  “No, but…” My voice was hoarse. I felt totally exposed and ashamed. In my novels I’d used some of my fantasies about Spencer—and now he’d read them? This was the worst, most embarrassing thing that had ever happened to me.

  “If you had any idea what went through my mind when I read it, you wouldn’t look at me that way,” he said, stepping closer so I had to lean back to look up at him.

  “I’d rather not know.”

  His smile quirked into something wicked. “I don’t believe that, either. If you only let me, I’d do all those forbidden things that Jasper did with Chelsea. Starting with the shower scene.”

  I swallowed. “But that scene is at the end.”

  “I’ve always preferred to start behind and work my way forward.”

  We looked at each other for a moment and slowly my breathing steadied.

  “Who made you feel like you should be ashamed of your work?” Spencer asked suddenly.

  “Everyone has things they don’t want to talk about. And you know that better than anyone,” I snapped.

  He blinked while my words sank in. “Okay, I deserved that,” he murmured and rubbed the back of his neck.

  We said nothing for a while.

  How had he managed to banish one of my biggest fears with just one sentence? And why did he have to make it so hard for me to resist him?

  “Hey, it’s almost midnight, almost Allie’s birthday,” I said and slipped past him, into the living room. I needed to escape the end of a conversation that now seemed inevitable. Because if I didn’t? I was going to wrap my arms around him and hold him so tight we’d both gasp for air.

  “Ten, nine, eight, seven, six…”

  Allie jumped up and down and grabbed my arm so hard, it almost hurt. But I smiled anyway. Her happiness was contagious and I let myself catch it, hoping it would distract me from everything else.

  “… Five, four, three, three, two, one… Happy birthday!”