by Jane Linfoot
There are those lovely creases in his cheeks again as his hand lands on my shoulder. ‘Just go. Once you get there, I promise you’ll find the words.’
As I jump into Gucci, and zoom along the lane towards Heavenly Heights, I only hope he’s right.
Chapter 45
Wednesday, 13th September
At Heavenly Heights: Cancelled cakes and geometric patterns
‘What the heck happened to Trevor?’
It wasn’t what I planned to say as an ice breaker. But as my mum opens her door a crack, the gap next to the orange begonia where the gnome should be standing is so gaping, I can’t let it go.
My pumps are off ready, so I drop them on the shoe rack behind the door, and follow her saggy fawn jogging bottoms into the lounge. As she turns and sinks onto a sofa, my heart sinks too. Her cheeks are as washed-out as her leisure suit, and without her foundation and popping pink lips, she’s aged twenty years. Worse still, I’m in my gardening capris, and she hasn’t made me sit on a throw.
‘The gnome’s gone.’ Her voice is flat as she pulls her cardie round her. ‘The For Sale board too. And I cancelled the cake, and gave the wedding dress to the Cats Protection shop.’ She’s also ripped the wallpaper off an entire feature wall, but for now, that’s the least of my worries.
As I pull out a rug, and edge onto a chair, I’m struggling to catch up. ‘So what happened?’ This might be what I’ve secretly been hoping for the last six months, but now it’s real it couldn’t be more horrible.
She pulls a tissue from up her sleeve. ‘David and I argued. I’ve made so many mistakes, and rushing into getting married was only one of them. I was such a fool to think I could ever carry off sequins.’ She dabs at the corner of her eye. ‘But I’ve been thinking a lot. The last few days I’m finally facing up to everything I should have considered months ago. You’re right, I have been very selfish. The way we got engaged, we weren’t right to spring it on you like that. We were just so excited, we didn’t think.’
I’m not sure I’ve ever heard my mum admit to being wrong before. ‘I suppose you were in love …’ At the time I was so shocked, I wasn’t exactly sympathetic.
She blots her nose. ‘It’s okay, I’ve put it behind me.’
I’m biting my lip because she’s so deflated. ‘But you look like you did when Dad died.’
She clutches her shoulders. ‘Actually that’s what I feel like. It’s as if the last five years never happened at all.’
‘I’m so sorry if I caused this. I didn’t mean to.’ When I accidentally lost it the other day, I had no idea this would be the outcome.
My mum drags in a breath. ‘It’s better that it happened now. And I’m glad I listened to how you felt.’
I owe it to her to try to explain. I’m thinking back to the night in the boat with Kip. ‘I think the house is so important to me because if it hadn’t been for him trying to deal with my divorce news, Dad wouldn’t have died. Worse still, the last thing he knew before he died was what a mess I’d made of my life. And as much as I try, I find it hard to move on from that. All I want to do is cling on to the past when I was happier.’
My mum leans forward. ‘But it wasn’t like that.’
I’ve no idea how she can forget something this important. ‘He was up on the golf course the afternoon I rang and told you about me and Thom. He always went up there when he wanted space to think.’
My mum’s face wrinkles. ‘I’m so sorry. He never knew about you and Thom, Lily. You rang me in the morning, and I spent all day trying to pluck up courage to ring him. But I couldn’t find the words to tell him. I was going to break it to him when he got home.’ Her voice cracks. ‘But he never came.’ She hesitates. ‘Sorry, I should have said before. There was so much chaos. It never occurred to me you’d think that.’
‘I never thought to ask.’ In the weeks after, my mum was so dazed, she could hardly speak at all. And when she seemed to be moving forward, I never wanted to remind her. I’m sighing, because the stone of guilt I’ve carried round in my chest for five years has just been lifted. ‘It was an awful time. But thanks for telling me. It makes it hurt a tiny bit less.’ I reach across and clasp her wrist.
She pats my hand. ‘You’ve got no idea how awful it was being on my own, even after the shock wore off. I was so lonely. When you lose your partner it never stops hurting. You never get used to it. You just learn better ways to carry the ache around with you.’ She’s rubbing her hands. ‘I’ll never be able to replace your dad. I wasn’t looking to. It’s just somehow David and I clicked. We both knew what the other was going through. We supported each other. And then when we realised maybe life was going to be worth living again, we got a bit carried away. But I’ve come to my senses again.’
I’m not completely sure that’s a good thing. ‘David came to see me. He said you lit up his life.’ I have to tell her. When he said it he sounded so sincere.
‘He told me that too.’ She gives a wistful smile, before she goes on. ‘I loved your dad. But the thing was, you and Zac were so clever, I often felt like you were all laughing at me.’
‘Oh Mum, that’s awful.’ It was how we were. The family dynamic. We never really stopped to think.
She pulls a face. ‘I know I always embarrassed you. I couldn’t help feeling I was left out, that you were only putting up with me. And maybe that made me extra critical.’
‘Dad and I were close because we enjoyed the same things.’ I can see why she might have felt excluded.
My mum’s looking seriously thoughtful. ‘The thing is with David, for the first time in my life I felt as though he liked me for me. As I am. He didn’t want me to change. Except to be nicer to you, and go with him to the gym, of course. But the things I’ve done lately, like the computer classes and the dating, I didn’t feel like anyone was looking down on me.’
‘That’s so good, Mum.’ Maybe for the first time in my life, I’m looking at her as a person too. Not just as my rather annoying mum. ‘And look at you with your spinning and your fitness, and all your new interests. You’re like a whole new version of yourself.’
A watery smile comes after her next nose blow. ‘If your dad came back and saw me, I think he might be surprised.’ Her smile strengthens. ‘Quite a lot of the time I surprise myself. I’m not saying I’m glad. Just that in the end it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be at first.’ She rubs her eye. ‘David will never be your dad. But he makes me feel very loved and very special in a different way altogether.’
My eyes are filling with tears. ‘I’m so glad we talked.’ The warmth inside me is something I haven’t felt. Possibly ever. ‘You know I never saw your new engagement ring. Have you got one?’
Her eyes fill with tears too. ‘It’s still in its box. When it came to it, I couldn’t possibly wear it. So much is so hard when you’re trying to move on. You try to embrace new things, but sometimes it’s too painful to let go of the past.’
‘It’s difficult.’ I can hardly believe what she’s saying. Or that I’ve got her so wrong. That I couldn’t see past her exuberance to see how much she was still hurting underneath.
She swallows loudly. ‘A while after I met David I took off the rings your dad gave me, and I’ve been wearing them on a chain around my neck. But somehow I could never bear to wear the new ring on my finger at the same time.’
My mouth’s stretching into a wail I can’t stop. ‘I do miss Dad so much.’
‘Me too.’ My mum buries her face in my shoulder, and we have a long and very wet hug. It’s a while later when we both let go, go back to our seats, and sniff at each other again.
‘You know your dad and I never argued.’ She’s staring out at the garden, and David’s row of pink and blue sweet peas along the fence. They’re a different variety from Dad’s. The blooms are smaller. And the foliage isn’t so bushy. Which is kind of how it should be.
It’s good to bring up their lack of arguing. ‘I’m not sure how healthy that was. Dad someti
mes gave in to you just to get an easy life.’ All the time, really, but I’m not going to say that. So it’s no surprise the row with David has knocked her sideways. ‘Arguments can let you resolve issues though. Like with us, I didn’t mean all the nasty things I said the other day. But without it we wouldn’t have talked. And I’d still like it if you’d stop going on about me getting a boyfriend.’
She’s putting her fingers together, looking down as she speaks. ‘I’d hate you to end up being as lonely and unhappy as I felt. But I appreciate you’re an adult, it’s your decision. David’s convinced me you wouldn’t be on your own if that wasn’t the way you wanted it. In the same way bright pink lipstick isn’t for everyone.’
It’s so great she’s the one to bring this up. ‘Definitely not me, okay? The same with Phase Eight clothes. They’re great on you, but I’m not ready for them yet.’
‘Understood.’ Her meek nod is very unlike her. ‘I only wanted to help, because you always looked so miserable. But you’ve changed. You smile a lot more now.’
I shrug, and give a grin. ‘I’m not sure if it’s work, or the garden. But I think these last few months here I learned how to be properly happy again. By reconnecting with the person I was before I met Thom, it’s as if I’m starting again. Letting my bad times go. That feels good.’
And finally I can get onto the decorative devastation.
‘So what’s with the wall? I thought you liked your geometrics.’
My mum rolls her eyes at the half stripped paper. ‘That’s the funny thing. My whole life in this house, I’ve been obsessed with redecorating. But since I’ve been with David, we’re so busy doing other things, I barely notice the paper, let alone have time to change it.’
‘Although you will have to do something with that.’ Given she’s pulled off the top layer of paper, and there’s bare plaster peeping through in places too.
She gives an exasperated blow. ‘It was a mad moment. I could always put the same pattern back on again.’
‘Or maybe you could let David choose?’ It’s a radical suggestion, given how things stand. When she doesn’t shout me down, I carry on. ‘I do think you should think carefully about marrying David. It sounds to me like it could be what you want. After talking to you both about how you feel, I do think it’s right for you.’ Is this really me saying this? Who’d have thought it, but yes, it damn well is. ‘You make each other happy. And you really are too young to be on your own for the rest of your life. Especially if you love him.’
‘You really think so?’ My mum’s voice is small.
As I nod, I’m biting back the tears. ‘Yes, I really do.’
My mum leans forward, and her voice drops to a confidential whisper. ‘You do realise he’s only six months younger than me? He’s just very fit …’ There’s a gleam in her eye as she wiggles her eyebrows. ‘And exceptionally well toned. It’s not just his buttocks either.’
I’ve got my hands over my ears. ‘Please stop there, that’s way too much information.’
‘So changing the subject …’ My mum’s sitting up again, waiting for me to take my hands off my ears, suddenly much more perky. ‘About the house …’ Brave woman for getting on to this. ‘I’m not blaming Fred, but Rock Quay was more his idea than ours.’
I drag in a breath. ‘Fred can be very persuasive.’ As I know too well, resisting him is like standing up to a tank assault. He’s also very driven in pursuit of his own goals.
My mum nods in agreement. ‘When the offer came on this place, I hated the idea of anyone else living here. But as David said before we argued, if we did want to move onto something smaller eventually, you and Kip could always live here.’
I wrinkle up my nose. ‘What’s Kip got to do with this? He’s got his own mansion.’ Although I do owe him hugely for making me come round for this chat. Who’d have thought he’d be so wise? Or perceptive.
My mum’s inscrutable smile is back. And I’ve never been so pleased to see it. ‘I’ve absolutely no idea where David got the idea from. You’ll have to ask him about that.’
‘Talking of whom …’ I’m staring at my mum’s leisure suit, really not understanding how she ever came to own anything so beige. ‘If you go upstairs, have a shower, and get your lippy on, I could give David a ring, and suggest he pops over?’
‘Lovely idea, dahling.’ She’s beaming as she scurries out of the room. ‘If there’s going to be some make up sex, I’d better find my Fitbit.’
Okay, I know. We’ve come a long way in the last hour. But this is real life, not a fantasy world. There are still going to be times I need my vomit bag. On the upside, it turns out David’s a lot more than just a fab pig catcher. When I ring him and suggest he might like to come over and marry my mum after all he just says, ‘Brill.’ When I suggest he might like to bring five rolls of geometric paper, and his wallpapering scissors, and pick up a gnome on the way, he says ‘Gotcha. Give me thirty, I’ll be there.’
For the first time ever, I forget to wince. When it comes to it, my mum would have to look a long way to find anyone who loved her more. And I’m so happy I can finally see that.
Chapter 46
Saturday, 16th September
At Rose Hill Manor: Wedding belles
‘All ready then?’
It’s a silly question to ask your mum when she’s one room away from her wedding. But we descend into nervous whispering as we come down the stairs from where she’s been changing in the Bridal Suite at Rose Hill Manor. As we pause for Jules to take pictures at the bottom of the broad oak staircase, my mum turns to me.
‘How ever did we think we’d fit in wallpapering?’ She’s right. Compressing a week’s worth of wedding preps into two days has been manic. Especially given the arrival of my brother Zac, who jetted in late Thursday night. Weddings are fraught enough. A prodigal making an unannounced return when the emotional cauldron is already bubbling over is plain mean. Just saying. While it’s brill he turned up, at the same time my poor mum lost hours of valuable run-up time due to apoplectic shock.
‘Decorating in wedding week was always a crazy idea.’ I stoop to adjust the back of her skirt, where the hem ripples onto the floor in the subtlest hint of a train. ‘Your dress is perfect though, the satin’s gorgeous, it’s moving with you.’ Jess and Sera really came through for her with this at zero notice.
She smiles down at the silky shadows of her skirt. ‘In the end it does feel classier than the sequins.’
They persuaded her into the simplest style in cream, with a pale grey edging to the flattering off the shoulder neckline. With the satin skimming her curves and falling like waves, she looks truly amazing.
She puts her hand on mine. ‘You’re the surprise though. I knew deep cherry would work for your jacket. Against your dark waves it couldn’t be better.’ Okay. It’s only one teensy raw silk shrug. Somehow once it was my decision, I was happy to go with it. And yes, I gave in on the giant rose print bodycon too. Thanks to the curls I feel like Crystal from the old cartoon Crystal Tipps and Alistair, but whatever. It’s for one day only. Although hopefully the colour’s way more burgundy than the bubblegum she first flagged up. And thank heavens next-day delivery has finally reached Cornwall.
Her fingers close even more tightly around mine as we catch a view of the sun sparking off the lake beyond the terrace, then pause for a second to gasp at Poppy’s cake. Three smooth white tiers, with a glorious cascade of ivory roses. Then as we cross the lounge we glimpse the waiting ballroom.
‘It’s beautiful, dahling. All beautiful. You’ve worked so hard for us.’ My mum’s dream turned out to be cream roses, candles and lanterns, and masses of eucalyptus. That’s what we’ve given her in the Winter Garden too, which is where we’re heading now for the ceremony. And if Kip’s gnome has been sneaked back in to nestle by the double doors into the ballroom, I’m not going to be the one to complain.
By the last sofa there’s a tug on my hand. My mum comes to a halt, and dips into her bag. ‘Just a
minute …’
For a moment I’m worried that she’s got cold feet, and she’s about to turn and run. But she’s too engrossed for that. As she holds something out to me, her hand’s shaking. ‘I want you to have these, Lily. It came to me the other day after we’d talked. I’m giving you the rings from last time. You’re the perfect person to look after them for all of us.’
I hold out my hand, and the chain dangles onto my palm. As my fingers close around the wedding ring and engagement ring I’ve seen on her finger all my life, the lump in my throat swells to the size of a melon. ‘I promise I’ll keep them safe.’ I fumble through my tears to put the chain around my neck.
She gently closes the fastening, and pats my skin. ‘I know you will. That’s good.’ Then she dips into her bag, pulls out a ring, slips it onto her right hand for now, and holds it out for me to see. ‘White gold this time. Not quite as blingy as Nicole’s.’
‘It’s lovely.’ A small solitaire, in the simplest setting.
She fastens her bag, and as she spreads her fingers, the diamond catches the light. ‘It looks very new.’
I smile. ‘Exactly right for a new woman, making a new beginning.’ I clasp her hand. ‘I’m very proud of you, Mum. What you’re doing is so brave.’
My mum smiles, and squeezes back. ‘Thank you. Right, now that’s done, I really am all set. Look, the boys are waiting for us.’
Over by the door to the Winter Garden the two dark heads with wavy hair are almost identical. Zac’s shorter, and stockier, hands in pockets. Kip’s all cheekbones and stubble shadows, holding tight to my mum’s posy, which he insisted on bringing down for us. Probably just to prove what a perfect wedding host he’s become.
Zac offers his arm. ‘Ready then, Mom?’ His transatlantic twang is a new shock each time he opens his mouth.
My mum hesitates. ‘Actually, it’s lovely of you to offer, but you go on in. We’ve got this sorted.’