His Woman, His Wife, His Widow

by Janice Jones

“Lindsay, please don’t get me wrong. I love Shauntae with all my heart, but she is not my only child. I also have two sons, one of which happened to come under some very painful circumstances. Nevertheless, I love all my children equally. I expect you, as my wife, to love them too. I am just as much a father to Sha’Ron and Kevaun as I am to Shauntae. So just trade places with me for one second. Imagine if someone ran off with your daughter. How much concern would you have about an anniversary present?”

  Shaun always had a way of turning things around and making me out to be the bad guy. But this time I wasn’t having it. I wasn’t about to let him guilt me into feeling bad.

  “That was a nice speech, Shaun, but you can save that bait for another worm ’cause I’m not biting. This is no longer about an anniversary present. It is about you disrespecting me and trying to blame me for your mess ups. How can you expect me to love your sons with the same passion that I have for my daughter?” Shaun tried to interrupt but I cut him off.

  “I’m not finished. Sha’Ron was born before you met me. However, because you chose to have a relationship with someone as juvenile as Rhonda, I was never allowed to bond with him. I never got the opportunity to learn to love him. As far as Kevaun is concerned, how can you expect me to be overflowing with love for a child that was conceived out of disrespect to me and our relationship?

  “Those are your children, Shaun, and yes, you should love them all equally, but you have no right to demand the same from me. I would never try to keep you from doing your best for your boys, nor would I disassociate my daughter from her brothers. But personally, I don’t give a hot ham sandwich if I ever see Keva, or for that matter, Kevaun again.”

  I knew I didn’t mean most of what I had just said. I was still very angry. But in all honesty, I had to recognize some truth in them. I truly hoped that Kevaun was fine, but that was the extent of my concern. Keva could rot in hell.

  “You evil witch! I can’t stand to be around you right now. I don’t give a ham sandwich, or whatever you said, if I ever see you again!”

  Those were the last words spoken to me on our fifth wedding anniversary. Shaun got up and left the house, slamming the door on the rest of our celebration.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “Mama it’s been three days since my husband left. I have heard nary a word from him.”

  “You sound just like your grandmother, talking about nary a word. You two are so much alike until it isn’t even funny,” Mama said, chuckling.

  I couldn’t believe it. My world was falling apart, and she was sitting here laughing and joking. Okay, Shaun was not one of Mama’s favorite people, but I was hoping she could muster up a little sympathy for me.

  I had stopped by my mother’s house to talk to her about my predicament with Shaun after I picked Shauntae up from school. She fell asleep in the car, so I laid my baby down in my old bedroom, which Mama kept the same as when I lived here.

  When Shaun walked out on me the other day, I was so furious I couldn’t care less if he ever came back. I remained mad too, until bedtime the following evening. That’s when I started to calm down. I began to think about how very much I still loved my husband. Shaun and Shauntae were the most important people in the world to me. The three of us were a team, a package deal. For me there was not one without the other.

  In my calmer state I also accepted that Shaun was right about a few things he said that night. If I loved Shaun as much as I claimed I did, I should have been more sensitive to his situation with Keva. When I forgave him five years ago, I should have begun letting go of the animosity I felt for Keva and even their baby. I held on to my resentment just like she held on to her jealousy for all this time. My actions could have possibly cost me my marriage. If it did, it would be entirely my fault.

  Shaun may not have had a true relationship with God, but he was absolutely correct for calling me out about my behavior as a Christian. I should have been more supportive of my husband, and I should have tried to get along better with Keva. I was unaware of Keva’s spiritual affiliation, but I suspected that she was lacking in the knowledge of God’s ways. I’m a Christian and I knew better. Knowing better meant I was supposed to do better. Last night after I prayed for Shaun’s return, God set me straight as He spoke to my heart. Now I just wish I knew where my husband was so I could make it up to him.

  Yesterday morning, I really became concerned. Shaun hadn’t even called to check on Shauntae. He had never gone more than twenty-four hours without talking to our daughter. When he occasionally leaves town for business, he does his best to at least call Shauntae before I put her to bed. I understand that he is upset with me, but I can’t believe he would turn his back on Shauntae.

  I became so desperate yesterday that I broke down and called Patricia’s house looking for Shaun. I never call Patricia. Ever! She still hates me, so I avoid my mother-in-law at all costs. She certainly had no problem reminding me of that very fact when I called.

  “Hello, Patricia. This is Nay-Nay. I called to ask if either you or Sha’Ron have seen or heard from Shaun. He left the house a couple of days ago after an argument and that was the last time I spoke to him. I’m starting to get worried about him.”

  “You know you got some nerve calling here, little girl. If you ain’t the most typical, trifling female I know. You don’t call here no other time, but as soon things stop going the way you want them to, you reach out to somebody to help you. You know what? Even if I could help your sorry behind I wouldn’t. It’s a stone mess when a man lets a woman keep him from being a good father to his children. Shaun don’t go too many days without seeing or talking to Sha’Ron. My grandbaby has not seen his daddy since the day of your pitiful wedding anniversary. I don’t know what you have said or done to my son, but you’re getting just what you deserve if he ran away and left your tail for good.” She slammed the phone down so hard it took five minutes for the ringing in my ears to stop.

  How one woman can live with so much hostility and anger is beyond me. Then again, Patricia is probably not like that all the time. Perhaps it is only I that brings out the beast in her. What in the world did I do to make this woman hate me so much? Well, I didn’t have time to worry about her or her emotional state right now. I was on a mission to find my husband. So again I dialed a number that I otherwise never use. I called my sister-in-law, Francine.

  Francine and I have not had a decent conversation since I found out she was instrumental in getting Keva and Shaun together. I hated her and she hated me. This was at least a hate I could understand.

  “Hello, Frannie, this is Nay-Nay. I was calling to see if you heard from your brother in the last couple of days. We had a fight and he left. I just want to make sure he’s all right.”

  “My name is Francine. Unlike you, I happen to like my name, and I don’t mind using it. Besides, only my friends and family are allowed to call me Frannie. You are neither. My mother just called to warn me that you would probably call. She not so subtly said I should cuss you out if you did. But you know what, Nay? I am a bigger person than that. So I’ll tell you. No, I have not seen or heard from my brother in about three or four days. It’s my hope, though, that he finally went out of his way to find Keva and Kevaun. I hope he and Keva get back together. You don’t deserve him.”

  Click!

  It took everything in me not to push the redial button and cuss that heifer out, but I knew it wouldn’t end there. We would just end up going back and forth, and before I would be able to stop myself, I would be on her doorstep trying to get in her house to pound her head through a wall. Right now I didn’t have that type of time.

  My last call of the morning went to Uncle Bobby. This is who I should have called in the first place. It just showed how warped my mind had become since Shaun left. If anybody knew where he was, it would be Uncle Bobby since they worked so closely together. Shaun never neglected his work no matter what.

  However, my big idea proved to be just as fruitless as my first two calls. Uncle Bobby di
dn’t even answer his phone. I left him a voice mail message, but I have yet to receive a return phone call.

  That was yesterday. Today I sit in my mother’s kitchen no closer to finding my husband and seeking a shoulder to cry on. Mama was probably the last person I should expect to help me grieve over the shattering pieces of my marriage. I wouldn’t have been surprised at all if she gave me an I-told-you-so speech.

  “Mommy, I am so miserable. What am I going to do if Shaun never comes back? What if he did go searching for Keva and the two of them are together living happily ever after? How are Shauntae and I going to survive without him?”

  I put my head down on the kitchen table and cried. Mama got up from her chair and came to rub my back. She stroked me gently with both her touch and her words.

  “Nay-Nay, I think you’re making yourself sick for nothing. Honey, all married couples have fights, arguments, and times when they just don’t want to be around one another. I’m sure Shaun will be home in no time at all. I may not like your husband, but I know he loves you and Shauntae too much to stay gone for too long.”

  At that moment, I wasn’t sure if I actually believed Mama’s words, but just hearing her say them made me feel better. I felt so blessed that she was my mother. She could have easily and rightfully dismissed me and told me to get over it. She could have been a real monster like Patricia was to her daughters. Patricia never seemed to have a nice word for Francine and Tameeka. Stupid little tramp was her pet moniker for them both. Yet I had put my mother through so much, especially when it came to my relationship with Shaun, and she was still always there for me. I loved her so much.

  “Thank you, Mama, for always having my back.”

  “Honey, you know that’s what good mothers do. And your mama is the bomb.” We both smiled and amazingly, I felt quite a bit better; if only for a little while.

  “Now that I have gotten a smile out of you, perhaps you can help me with something. Have you heard from your brother? He left yesterday morning, telling me he was going to work. That was the last I heard from him.”

  I was lost as to why, but for some reason K.J.’s absence set my nerves on edge again. His and Shaun’s disappearance had to be purely coincidental, but I suddenly got the feeling the two incidents were somehow connected.

  “Mama, is this the first time Kevin has stayed out overnight without calling?”

  “Yes. The only other time he stays away from home is when he spends the night at your place. I realize Kevin is twenty-two, but I don’t care if the boy is seventy-one. If he is still living under my roof, then he will follow my rules. Kevin is not allowed to gallop in and out of my home at all hours of the night or day, and he will keep in touch with me to let me know he is safe so I don’t worry.”

  I couldn’t blame Mama one bit. I was getting plenty worried myself. My anxiety quickly turned to nausea.

  Mama continued to talk while I sat there in a confused daze. “Kevin has somehow changed too, Nay. I have noticed a difference in him the past few weeks. Nothing I can call bad or good or even specifically pinpoint, but there is definitely a difference. Until now I just attributed it to his growing up; becoming more mature.”

  I knew exactly what Mama was talking about. Shyanne and I were just teasing Kevin about something similar a week ago in the store.

  “What is up with you, Kevin? Lately you been walking around here looking and smelling all good. What? Is there some new lady in your life?” I had asked my little brother as we stood in the back office of the party store.

  “Yeah. I noticed some changes too, K.J. You’ve got this little swagger that you have not always had. If you weren’t like a little brother to me, I think I would be trying to holla at you myself,” Shyanne had chirped in.

  “There’s nothing different about me. I have always been fine. You two just never took the time to notice before now,” Kevin replied, and we all shared a good laugh.

  My mother’s voice brought me back to the present. “Have you seen his new car?”

  “New car? No. Kevin never mentioned anything about buying a new car. I thought he was cool driving your old Taurus. Whenever I ragged on him about how old his car was, he always said, ‘That’s okay. It’s paid for.’ What kind of car did he buy?”

  “A brand new 2002 black convertible Mustang. What kind of money are you all paying that boy at the store?”

  I personally didn’t think a Mustang was an extravagant purchase for a twenty-two-year-old who still lived at home rent free. What else did he have to spend his money on?

  “I’m not sure what kind of money Kevin makes. I don’t get involved with any of the business at the store. Shaun and Shyanne take care of all that. It’s really not that strange for Kevin to buy himself a car though. He has no other expenses since he lives here with you.”

  Even as the words left my lips I wondered if I were repeating them out loud for Mama’s benefit or my own. The whole conversation had gotten me so antsy that my nausea finally got the best of me. I ran from the kitchen straight to the bathroom. I made it to the toilet just in time to let lose the contents in my stomach.

  Mama was right on my heels, standing outside the bathroom door when I emerged. Déjà vu?

  “Nay, are you okay, sweetie?”

  “I don’t know, Mama. I started feeling sick just a few minutes ago. The last time this happened I found out I was pregnant with Shauntae.”

  “Well, is it possible that you are pregnant again?”

  “I guess it’s possible, just not the best timing.”

  “Honey, that’s one thing about babies. They come whether you’re ready for them or not. For richer or poorer; for better or worse; in sickness and in health. Babies are the only ones these days that actually live up to the wedding vows.” Mama laughed at her own silly joke, then announced, “Come on, baby girl, let’s make our way to the women’s clinic on Seven Mile before they close to see if the rabbit dies. I’ll wake up Shauntae and we can drop her off with Shyanne’s parents on the way.”

  Like I said, déjà vu.

  Why? Why? Why? Why do I always find out I am pregnant in the midst of a crisis with Shaun? Why can’t I ever have one of those television commercial scenarios where the wife surprises the husband with the news over a romantic candlelight dinner?

  According to the nurse at the clinic, “Your new bundle of joy should arrive around mid-September. You’re approximately five weeks along. You and your husband are so blessed.” I wanted to slap that silly smile off her face.

  I also wondered why they didn’t speak to me about abortion like they did when I found out I was pregnant with Shauntae? I guess it’s silly to even think about it when there was no way I would consider terminating this pregnancy. I knew I couldn’t live with myself no matter what happened between Shaun and me.

  As I thought about abortion no longer being an option for me, I also thought about God. Today, as I had so many times in the past, I began to feel guilty about letting my relationship with God take a backseat to my relationship with Shaun. I sat and wondered if I had done more to develop my spiritual self, would my marriage, my life, be in better condition. Then this arena of thinking scared me. I was afraid because I knew deep within my bones, if I had let God lead and guide my life as I should have, Shaun would not be a part of it. I just couldn’t deal with any thoughts that led me to life without Shaun. I didn’t believe I could handle that.

  I sat on my sofa in our living room speculating for the millionth time how I could still be so in love and so attracted to Shaun. I had put up with so much of his crap until it was nowhere near funny anymore. Everything and everybody came before me in our relationship. Not only did he cheat, but he had a child with another woman. He was a freaking drug-dealer, something he has been promising me for years he was going to let go of. And now he had walked out on me and was spending time with only God knew who. Yet for the life of me, I could not imagine trying to live my life without him. I wanted him to come back home.

  After I left the
clinic and took Mama back home, I was so tired that I called Shyanne and asked if she would swing by her parents’ home and pick up Shauntae for me. I told her I would come by in a little while to get her. I just needed a little time by myself to think.

  As I sat at home alone, the tears started falling. I had gotten so used to weeping over my relationship that I hadn’t even noticed I was crying until the doorbell rang. I wiped my eyes and went to the door with as much energy as I could muster. I was so emotionally drained, it took all I had left to walk from the sofa to the door.

  I looked through the peep hole to find a stranger standing on my front porch. I was hesitant to open the door for someone I didn’t know, but curiosity about the female on my porch got the best of me.

  “May I help you?” I said as I swung the door open.

  “Shaun sent me. Can I come in?” she replied. I nearly lost my footing at the mention of Shaun’s name, but now I was plenty energized. Please God not again; not another baby mama.

  “Excuse me? What do you mean Shaun sent you? Who are you?”

  She placed her hand on her hip and gave me an incredulous look, like I was getting on her doggone nerve. “Look, I’ll answer all of your questions if you just let me in. I know you don’t know me, but considering I was sent by your husband, I would think you would be a little anxious to hear what I have to say.” The huffy stranger sucked her teeth and rolled her eyes. I was ready to punch a hole through the screen door that separated us and slug her right in those same rolling eyes. But she was correct; my curiosity overrode my anger so I opened the screen door and let her into my home.

  She waltzed in, went into the living room and sat on my Queen Anne chair as if it were her personal throne. I stood in the entryway for a few seconds, staring at her, marveling at her attitude. Finally I joined her in the living room and sat across from her on the sofa.

  “What is your name and how do you know my husband?” I asked.

  “My name is Toni, and I uh ... work for Shaun.”