by Janice Jones
“Thank you, Cody. I’m sure it was because of your legal expertise that my husband received such a minimal sentence. I appreciate everything you have done for us.”
I was amazed at how calm my voice sounded considering my insides were stirring with desire.
Cody placed his free hand on my back and gave it a quick rub. Then he gave my hand a final squeeze. “I’ll be in touch.” And then he left the courtroom.
My eyes trailed him as he went through the double doors. I didn’t even realize I was staring until I saw the last of the idiots walk out a few seconds behind him, and I heard Shaun calling my name. I shook myself from my trance, and Shyanne and I walked to where Shaun stood. Shyanne said good-bye first.
“Take care of yourself in there and don’t worry about Nay. I’ll take care of her out here.” She then directed her words to me. “Nay, I’ll meet you outside. I need to go out to the car and check my phone to make sure everything is cool with Kevin at the store. We are expecting a big delivery today of some new stock.” Shyanne hugged Shaun quickly then left.
I looked Shaun directly in his eyes to see if I could read exactly what he was feeling. I saw no fear in the green reflection that I loved. Shaun had the nerve to look like going to prison was something he did every day. He has always been so very strong.
“Well, Lindsay. This is it. You’re going to be okay, right, baby?” I couldn’t answer due to the strong rush of emotions that assaulted me. Before I knew it, I was standing there crying like an infant. “Oh baby, please don’t do this. This is hard enough on me. I need you to be strong. Be happy that your man will only be gone a short while. I’ll be home in no time. Recognize that we are better off than a lot of other people I know whose family can’t visit them. In just six short weeks, you can come up and see me. Keep your head up and know that I love you more than anything in this world.”
I pulled myself together and forced myself to be strong like he asked me to. “Okay, Shaun. I’ll be a rock for you. I’ll hold it down out here. I promise I’ll make you proud while you are away. When you come home you will be very grateful I’m the woman you’re married to.”
“That’s my girl. Kiss my baby girl for me.” We both decided it was best not to have Shauntae at the proceedings. She spent the night with my mother, who took her to school for us this morning. Shaun sat with her last night and did his best to explain that he would be gone for a while without actually telling her where he was going.
The guards came over just then and informed Shaun it was time to go. They were about to put the handcuffs on him, but he asked for just a few seconds. Before they had a chance to object or consent, Shaun grabbed me and hugged me very tightly. It was the best and the worst hug I ever received from him.
When he released me, the guards put the cuffs on him and led him away. I stood there and just as he was going through the door, I yelled out and told him I loved him. Then I blew him a quick kiss. Just as he disappeared the same chill that ran through my body three months ago in our kitchen reappeared. I recognized it instantly. I knew that my life would forever be changed from this moment on.
I slowly left the courtroom and went to my car where Shyanne was waiting. As I approached the parking lot I could see she was crying. I ran the short distance to the car to find out why.
“What’s wrong, Shy? Why are you crying?”
“Jamo’s dead, Nay!”
PART III
THE BEGINNING OF THE END
Chapter Twenty-one
October 2002
I thought the second delivery was supposed to be easier than the first. The amount of pain I was in was unbelievable. It’s already been six hours, and it looked as if I were going to be in labor longer than I was with Shauntae.
The contractions were darn near killing me, but I flat out refused the epidural Shyanne kept suggesting. The thought of having someone stick a long needle in my back was far more frightening than the pain of the contractions.
“No ... needles ... Shy,” I yelled. I was right in the middle of a strong contraction. They were now coming every two to three minutes.
“Okay! Fine, Nay. I won’t mention the epidural anymore. Just calm down, and try to concentrate on breathing through the contraction.”
I really appreciated my best friend being here with me again as I delivered my second child. This time she had to do it alone because Mama and Granny were out of town at a funeral. But Lord help me. If she tried to tell me one more time how to get through this delivery, I was going to slap the taste out of her mouth.
“Stop telling me what to do, Shyanne. I don’t want to breathe. I don’t want an epidural. I don’t want anything other than this baby out,” I screamed.
Just as I finished my tirade, my obstetrician appeared. “Did I hear something about an epidural in all that yelling? Well, let’s hope we are beyond that stage now. How about we take a look to see where we are.”
Dr. Howard seemed to have a permanent smile. That very smile often comforted me during the stress of both my pregnancies. But right now I wanted to smash my I.V. pole into her face just to see if she would still be smiling. What did she mean we?
“Just as I thought. We are all ready for delivery. I’m going to get everyone assembled and we will push that little bundle of joy right on out of there.”
“Thank God,” Shyanne said.
“Shut up, cry baby,” I yelled at her.
It has been two and a half hours since they brought my son to me for his feeding. I still haven’t been able to put him down. He is just as beautiful as his sister. I may have been shady toward God, but His mercy has been so very prevalent in my life. I knew that it was a blessing from Him that both my children were healthy and gorgeous.
I was so excited when the doctor announced I delivered a boy. I was hoping for a son to complete my set and to name after my husband. Shaun and I decided just before he went away that we didn’t want to know the sex of our baby until it was born. We figured the suspense would add some excitement and fun to an otherwise unhappy time in our lives.
In the five months since Shaun’s incarceration I have visited him five times, usually on an every-three-week basis. However, it’s been four weeks since I last saw him. Dr. Howard prohibited me from flying during the last month of my pregnancy. Shaun decided that I should not drive to see him either.
Shaun seemed to be handling being in prison a lot better than I was. He says it’s really not so bad. As long as he has plenty of money in his account, he would be okay. He spends his time reading and taking prison offered classes. His mother and sisters visit about once a month also. However, we are never there at the same time. Shaun and I talk on the telephone three times a week. The worst part for him is doing the actual time and being away from his family.
My plan is to visit him just after the baby’s two-week check up. I won’t take either of my children though. Shaun figures it is best for Shauntae to remember him the way he was before he was locked up. Since she’s still so young—she turns six next month—he figures she will be better off not knowing about his spending time in prison. We tell her that Daddy is away taking care of family out of town. The baby will only be a little more than a year old when Shaun gets out.
Shyanne has held true to her word as usual. She has been my rock, my coach, my sounding board, and my shoulder to cry on since Shaun has been away. And for a change, I got the chance to be all that for her as well when Jamo was killed. Though Shyanne and Jamo were no longer going together when he died, they remained good friends. She never fell deeply in love with Jamo, but she did care for him a great deal.
Fortunately for me, I never told Shyanne about Kevin’s story on Shaun’s plan for revenge. Shyanne assumes that Jamo was just another casualty of the street game. That’s the only secret I have ever kept from my best friend, and it is one I’ll take to my grave.
During the first two weeks after the funeral, I was a wreck for two reasons. One, I was scared, knowing that my very own husband was more th
an likely responsible for taking another person’s life. Secondly the guilt of not telling Shyanne the probable truth tore me apart.
I got over my guilt and fear quickly as I began to settle into life with Shaun in prison. The more I missed him, the more I figured that Jamo got what he deserved. I blamed him for Shaun’s arrest and prison time. After all, the dope, the weapon, and the car belonged to him. It was his stupidity that cost my husband this time away from me and our children.
I have not yet made it back to school to complete my degree. My entire pregnancy was difficult, and I remained sick well into the beginning of my last trimester. I had to be hospitalized for dehydration twice. On a couple of occasions, Dr. Howard would caution me about flying to see Shaun, but I ignored her, never telling Shaun about her restrictions. I refused to let anything keep me from my time with Shaun. Whenever he asked about my and the baby’s progression, I would tell him everything was normal. And as I look into the precious face of my baby, I can see how blessed I am that everything did turn out well. He looks just like Shaun and Shauntae.
My children are the most important people in this world to me. It’s amazing how much I love my son, and I have only known him for a few short hours. I felt the exact same way when Shauntae was born.
When a woman gives birth to a child, after looking into their eyes even that very first time, she knows in that moment that she would die and kill to keep them safe. This overwhelming rush of responsibility and fierce protectiveness took over my whole heart and soul. I would do whatever it takes to make sure they have all they need in this life to succeed. If the possibility existed that I could shield them from ever feeling a moment’s pain or heartache by throwing myself in front of a moving train, I would do it without hesitation.
Shyanne would probably disagree that I feel all of this for my children. She believes the only person I love that strongly is my husband. And yes. I do love Shaun with the same intensity, but still it is different. As much as I hate to think about it, and I seriously doubt it would ever happen, I do realize that Shaun could leave me at any given moment. He can walk away, get a divorce, and no longer be my husband. But no one can take my babies from me. No matter what they do or where they go, the fact will always remain that they came from my body. They will always be mine.
In giving it serious thought, I know that about Shyanne too. No matter what we go through or how much we disagree, we will always be there for each other. Our bond is strong and unique because it is not necessarily natural.
As parents, we love our children because we are bound to them by blood and natural instinct. The same could hold true for sibling and all familial love. Even the love between a man and a woman is natural because it has been that way since the beginning of time. But the love of a friend is different. There is no blood to bind us or a physical attraction that blossoms into a passionate love. Shyanne and I have built our love on mutual trust, respect and admiration. It is instinctual out of habit, not nature.
All this brought to mind a very strange question; one that is not so easy to answer. Shaun is my husband and the father of my children, who are the most important people in the world to me. Therefore, if I had to make a choice between my children and my husband, I would choose my children. I described what I felt for Shyanne as being similar to what I feel for my children. So if a situation ever arose and I was forced to choose between my husband and my best friend, whom would I choose?
Wow!
“I’m here, Old Mother Hubbard; coming to take the little old lady in the shoe home,” Shyanne sang as she waltzed into my hospital room.
“I can hardly be compared to the little old lady in the shoe. I only have two kids, Shy.”
“Whatever. It’s two more than I want.”
I just shook my head at her silly butt. She was always popping off about not wanting kids and not wanting to be bothered with them. But every chance she gets, she’s spending time with Shauntae. I’m sure she’ll be the same way with her godson.
I was anxious to get home myself. Shaun and I hadn’t had the opportunity to talk since I gave birth to Lil’ Shaun. Shaun is aware that his baby has been born. Shyanne called his mother to inform her, and I’m positive she has since talked to Shaun. Shyanne asked Patricia to make a three way call to my hospital room the next time Shaun called, but I knew the odds of that happening were slim to a snowball’s chance in hell.
Dr. Howard came in soon after Shyanne to give me a quick once over and the okay to leave. “Everything looks fine here, Mrs. Taylor. You can get dressed and take your beautiful son on home. I will see you in six weeks.” Then she departed with her ever-present smile.
“All right, Shy. Let’s be out of here. We can swing by Mama’s to pick up Shauntae. I want her to meet her baby brother.”
On the ride to Mama’s, Shyanne filled me in on what’s been going on at the store and about the new guy she’s dating that she met at church. She also made other small talk, which is really not Shyanne’s style. Knowing my best friend the way I did, I recognized she was babbling to cover something that bothered her.
“What’s wrong, Shyanne?”
“What makes you ask that?” Shyanne asked nervously.
“This is me, Shyanne.”
“I’ll give you all the details when we leave your mother’s.”
She was silent the remaining quarter of a mile to Mama’s house. We stayed with Mama for a short time while she ooh’d and aah’d over her grandson, then we left and headed to my house. With Shauntae now in the car, I decided not to press Shyanne for information, but the moment we got in my house and got the kids settled, I was on her like funk on fish.
“Okay, Shy, what’s up?” We were seated in the kitchen and Shyanne was making lunch.
“Two FBI agents came in to the store yesterday asking to see the owner. I told them you were in the hospital, having just given birth to a baby. Then they asked a lot of questions about Shaun and his Uncle Bobby.”
“What kinds of questions?”
“They had a picture of Uncle Bobby and asked if I knew him. I told them I did, that he was your husband’s uncle. They asked if I had seen him lately and I told them no.”
“What did they say about Shaun?”
“They asked if he were co-owner of the business, and I told them you were sole proprietor. They asked if the two of you jointly owned property or any other businesses. I told them that was something they had to discuss with you. They left after that, telling me to let you know they would be in touch soon.”
Great! This was all I needed. I was about to become the subject of an FBI investigation because of my husband and his crooked uncle. Why now? Shaun has been in jail for five months. What in the world was I supposed to say to these people? I didn’t know a darn thing. Shaun and I never discussed his business. I was clueless to even the mundane matters, such as the location of the titles to the store, the house, or even our vehicles.
“Shy, did they give you any indication when I should expect them to contact me?”
“Nope.”
“Thanks a lot, Shy. You are always such a big help,” I replied sarcastically.
“Hey! Don’t get an attitude with me. I don’t know any more about your husband’s affairs than you do, so I can’t help you with this one, Nay.”
“I’m sorry, Shy.” My apology was weak because I was too busy trying to sort through this mess. Shoot! I deserved the comfortable lifestyle I had become accustomed to. I have put up with and gone through hell in this relationship. Now the FBI was threatening to take it all away. I sat right there at the kitchen table and began praying, asking God to have Shaun contact me before the FBI did.
The following evening, soon after I put Shauntae to bed, my prayer was answered. I was in the process of placing Lil’ Shaun down after his feeding just as the phone rang and the chipper recorded female voice proceeded to ask if I would accept the collect call from a correctional facility. After giving my consent, the call was put through, and I was on the line w
ith my husband.
“Hey, Lindsay. How are you doing? I’ve missed talking with you so much. How was the delivery? How is my son?” Shaun excitedly quizzed. He sounded like Shyanne.
At the mention of the delivery, my heart sank just a bit. It brought back painful thoughts of Shaun not being there for the birth of either of our children. He was with Rhonda at the birth of Sha’Ron and Keva for Kevaun’s birth. I was so jealous. But now was not the time to dwell on those things. I had to work on maintaining my lifestyle for my children and myself. Neither Keva nor Rhonda could say they lived as well as I did.
“I’m fine, honey. Lil’ Shaun is gorgeous and healthy. I just finished feeding him, and now he’s sleeping soundly in his crib.”
“That is the kind of news I like to hear. It is practically killing me that I’m here and not there with you all, but I’m doing my best to work through it. I’ve only got a short time, so I have to preserve my sanity in order to do the time and not have the time do me.”
“That is what I like to hear. Stay positive, baby.” I believe that Shaun gave those little pep talks for my benefit as much as his own. He knew I was in a constant state of worry while he was in prison. This was his way of taking some of the edge away.
“Shaun, I really hate to interrupt such a pleasant conversation with other matters, but, honey, we have got a problem. Shyanne said the FBI came to the store the other day asking her questions.” I gave Shaun the details just as Shyanne had given them to me and waited for him to tell me what to do.
“Baby, if that’s the problem you’re speaking about, then there is no problem. When they contact you all you have to do is give them Cody’s card. Tell them that any questions they may have can be answered by your attorney. As a matter of fact, first thing tomorrow, give Cody a call. Tell him what you just told me. He’ll handle everything, I’m sure.”