by Janice Jones
When Cody mentioned the word wife, I tensed again and lowered my head, but he was having none of that. He placed his soft hand under my chin and lifted my eyes to meet his.
“Guilt is a natural emotion because you love your husband. As I said, I know that, and I accept it. This may sound strange, but that is also part of why I’m crazy about you. You are a very kind and responsive woman, putting everyone else’s happiness above your own. There are not many selfless people in this world, Lindsay. It is my pleasure and my honor to know you. I take great joy in knowing I’m giving to you a little bit of what you give everyone you know and love.”
I fought with all my might to stop them, but it was a wasted effort. The tears that burned my eyes eventually tumbled onto my cheeks. I couldn’t move. I could barely breathe. I just stood there staring at Cody’s face, taking in his beautiful words and storing them away for a time when I might question my own worth.
Cody didn’t bother responding anymore either. He simply separated the miniscule distance between us and kissed me with a passion so hot it melted my equilibrium. Had it not been for Cody holding onto my body, I would have fallen to the floor in the mess I created when I dropped the dishes.
Cody lifted my limp body into his arms and carried me up the stairs to the master bedroom, never once releasing me from his kiss. He made short work of discarding our clothing, and before I knew it, we were making love. Up until now, my physical relationship with Cody could simply be classified as sex. This time, however, was quite different. When Cody slipped into my body this time, it was as if he were searching for my soul.
And I let him find it.
Chapter Twenty-four
The three days Cody and I spent at the cottage were three of the most wonderful days of my life. We went sailing on a rented sailboat, we rode in a jet ski, and I went horseback riding, all of which were firsts for me. We also did the customary shopping, dining out, and making love in every room of the cottage.
Cody got very creative on our last night there. He turned on the central air unit to a temperature that would make the small house comfortable enough to light the fireplaces in the bedroom and living room. Cody prepared a traditional Italian meal and we ate in front of the fireplace in the living room. Even the drive home was special and romantic as we stopped in the smaller cities we missed on our way up to the cottage. I will treasure those days forever.
I was floating on cloud nine until the moment we drove up to my house. Reality set in with a vengeance. I was back at home; the home I shared with my husband and children; the home where I was wife and mommy. The place where I was not the stress free woman who lay in the arms of a special type of man without a care in the world this weekend.
Cody parked the car in my driveway and got out to retrieve my luggage from the trunk. I sat in the car and watched him as he walked to the front door expecting me to follow and let us in. I couldn’t, however. I just could not get out of the car. My legs were immobilized, and my mind was on stutter-stop. Suddenly, I started to hyperventilate. My whole body broke out into a cold sweat. I was terrified because I was oblivious to what was happening to me.
Cody returned to the car after seeing my distress. I was so out of it I was unable to unlock the door for him. He stepped around to the driver’s side and came in from there.
“What’s wrong, Lindsay? Baby, talk to me; tell me what’s happening.”
“I ... don’t ... know ... Cody.” I choked out. I was sure I was about to die.
“I think you’re having a panic attack. I need you to try and calm down. Take short breaths through your mouth and let them out slowly through your nose until your breathing returns to normal.”
I followed Cody’s advice, and after about forty-five seconds, my breath was a lot less shallow. Within a minute and a half I was able to fill my lungs with air and breathe normally. My vision cleared, and when I stared out the window, again looking at my house, I was able to do so without having a fit.
I was so relieved. Never before had I experienced anything like that. A panic attack. Lord knows I have had my share of reasons to have gone there before now. What was it about coming home today that set me off like that?
Cody was now standing at the passenger door holding it open for me. “Are you better, baby? Can you stand?”
“I think so,” I replied as I exited the car.
As soon as I was steady on my feet, Cody grabbed me and gave me a very affectionate hug right in my front yard. To anyone that may have been looking, it would have been obvious it was more than a brotherly embrace. It was filled with passion, concern and an emotion that almost sent me back into fit mode ... love.
It felt so good to be in his arms, experiencing the strong feelings he had for me, showing me how much my well being meant to him. For the past eighteen months I had known nothing but happiness and peacefulness with Cody. We never had any cross words for each other. Even though he was a successful attorney, he was never too busy for me. This man was wonderful in every way, yet I couldn’t find room for him in my heart. He occupied my mind and my body, but every ounce of passionate love, the type of love a woman feels for a man and vice versa, belonged to Shaun, the man who had caused me more than the lion’s share of hurt and pain. What was wrong with me?
I felt so guilty for not being able to return his feelings. I separated myself from Cody’s embrace and headed toward my house without looking in his face. He followed me to the front door, standing on the porch waiting behind me as I opened the door. We both entered the foyer and stood there for a few awkward moments with him staring at me and me staring at the floor. Cody closed the distance between us and reached over to lift my chin so he could look in my eyes.
“Lindsay, how are we going to continue to see each other if every time we’re together you let guilt and remorse make you sulk and feel sullen? Baby, I only want to see you happy. You’re going to make me begin to feel guilty. As far as I’m concerned, I have nothing to apologize for.”
Cody spoke as if we were both in the same boat in this relationship. I was becoming a little annoyed with his goodwill speeches and pep talks. By the time I finished my own speech, I was yelling.
“I guess it’s easy for you to feel that way, Cody. You’re not married. You have no one to be accountable to except yourself. You don’t have children who are depending on you to hold their family together so they never have to feel abandoned. Friends and family waiting in the wings to say I told you so once your marriage falls apart. You go home after an evening or a weekend trip like this, and all you have to think about is how much sex and fun you had.”
Cody looked at me as if I had grown another head. I knew my words were painful to hear, but my own remorse outweighed his bruised ego at the moment. I was being totally unfair and I knew it, but there was nothing I could do to stop myself. So I added fuel to the fire by continuing to berate him.
“Do you ever think about how you’re betraying your client while you’re sexing his wife? Don’t you lawyers, like doctors, have to take some kind of oath regarding morality and ethics? Oh, but then again how can I expect you to be ethical when you defend drug dealers you know to be guilty? What in the world was I thinking?”
Cody took a step away from me, backing in the direction of my front door. He stopped just as he backed into the doorknob, staring at me for a long while; then he spoke.
“All I wanted to do was show you a different side of love. I wanted to show you that loving someone doesn’t have to come with stress and heartache. I wasn’t trying to get you to leave your marriage or your family. I just wanted to love you for the short time I had with you, show you some happiness. I just wanted to love you, Lindsay.”
“But I don’t love you, Cody. I love Shaun, my husband. I guess I will for the rest of my life, even as foolish as that may sound to someone as smart and rich and cultured as you are. I love him for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, ’til death do us part.”
Cody said nothing
else. He simply turned and exited the house, defeated and in complete silence. I stood in the foyer staring at the door until I heard his car start and leave my driveway. Then I fell to the floor in a crumpled heap, crying until my eyes had no more tears to give.
I had just finished putting my children to bed for the night when the phone rang. I knew it was Shaun. His calls usually came in right around 8:00 or 9:00 in the evening. Shaun had been moved to Milan Correctional Facility right here in Michigan since he only had five months left on his sentence. At Milan, Shaun was not allowed to make collect calls. Money had to be inserted directly into the pay phone he used. I answered the phone knowing it was him.
“Hello, my precious husband whom I love more than life itself.”
“Hey! Right back at you. How are you this evening?”
“I’m fine, Shaun. How are you?”
“Sad because I’m missing you and the kids; happy because in only four months, seventeen days, twelve hours, and thirty minutes, I’ll be back in your loving arms.”
“Oh. Now I’m offended. You mean to tell me you don’t have it calculated down to the exact second?” I joked.
Shaun and I exchanged small talk for a few more minutes, then he said something that caused me to choke momentarily. “Lindsay, have you talked to Cody lately?”
I removed the phone from my face so he wouldn’t hear my reaction. At first I was too stunned to speak. When I could talk again, I began babbling.
“Cody? Why would I need to talk to Cody? What makes you ask about Cody ... your attorney. . . all of a sudden? Why would he need to see or talk to me?”
I hadn’t talked to Cody since he and I returned from Martha’s Vineyard six weeks ago. I tried calling him two or three times the day after we returned, but I got his voice mail each time. After receiving no response to any of my messages, I got the message; Cody was through with me.
I tried composing myself while I waited for Shaun to answer my questions by doing the same deep breathing exercises I did when I had the anxiety attack. I was on my way to being normal until Shaun threw me for a loop again with his next statement.
“Cody came to see me the other day about some business matters. He told me he ran into you a short while ago and you didn’t look too well. He said you looked stressed, tired. I made him promise to call and check on you, make sure you and the kids were okay.”
I almost fainted dead right there on the spot. How dare Cody sarcastically play word games with Shaun about me? I told him how intuitive Shaun was.
I started panicking, wondering if Cody told Shaun anything or everything else because he was angry with me about our last encounter. I played it as cool as I could though. If Shaun was fishing for something from my lake, his rod was going to come up empty. I was not about to help him figure out anything, collaborate anything, or give him any hint that something happened between Cody and me. What is that saying that men have? Deny! Deny! Deny! Lie ’til you die.
“Well that is either a promise he didn’t keep or I missed his call. I haven’t heard from Cody since he helped me with that mess concerning the FBI. That was more than a year ago.” It was time to get off this phone and out of this conversation before things got beyond my control.
“Shaun, I hate to cut our conversation short, but Lil’ Shaun is calling for me. This is the second night in a row he’s awakened after I have put him to bed. Last night it took me thirty minutes to get him to go back to sleep.” Shaun hesitated a moment, as if he wanted to hold me a while longer, but then he relented
“All right, Lindsay. You go ahead and take care of my son. Tell him his daddy loves him. I’ll call again in a few days.”
Then he disconnected the line. No I love you or good-bye. Nothing. He just hung up.
Now I was really worried. I held the phone in my hands because I couldn’t gather my thoughts enough to realize that I needed to hang it up. I started sweating, my stomach started churning, and before I knew it, I threw up all over my kitchen floor.
After my stomach was emptied, I stood there still clutching the phone with vomit all over the place. I looked at the phone in my hand, staring at it as if it were an animated object. I felt as if the telephone itself was the lone source of my present trauma. Like it was to blame for Shaun being in prison, for my husband’s infidelity, for every tear I have cried since knowing Shaun, for my affair with Cody, and even for my vomiting just now.
I slid down into the mess I made on the floor, still holding onto the phone for dear life, knowing it was not responsible for any of the things I mentioned. Nor was it the phone’s fault, I realized just before blacking out, that I was pregnant ... again.
I finally awakened from my emotional meltdown, feeling no less troubled than before I passed out. I couldn’t believe I had gone and gotten myself pregnant by Cody during our affair. Up until the time we went to the cottage in the Vineyard, we had been so very careful, using a condom each and every time we had sex. How could I have allowed myself to be so careless simply because we changed venues?
Unlike my first pregnancy, where I seesawed about my decision to abort, or my second pregnancy where I was adamant about carrying my child to full term, there was no doubt how I would handle this one. I made up my mind right then and there that Cody would never know about this baby. The only person I would tell was Shyanne. I would need her support and assistance going through the procedure. I would also need God’s forgiveness.
“Dear, God. I’m here in another mess right now. I’m pregnant again, Lord, as if you didn’t already know. But, Lord, you also have to understand that I cannot keep this child. It would ruin my marriage, my life, and possibly get Cody killed. Father, I know you don’t agree with me, but I’m asking that you forgive me and give me a fresh start at life. I will never, Lord, ever fall into this type of pit again.”
With that decided, I cleaned the mess I made on the floor, then went to the bathroom to clean myself. While I showered, I decided I needed to call Cody to find out exactly what he and Shaun discussed during their visit. I had to know if he acted vindictively by giving Shaun some sort of clue about our involvement. I didn’t think it likely, but I wasn’t willing to chance it. I just hoped Cody would answer when I called. Otherwise, I would have to stalk him at his office.
It was late in the evening so I took my chances on calling his home versus his cell or his office. God was with me so far because he answered on the second ring, acknowledging it was me from the caller ID.
“Hello, Lindsay. Long time no hear from. How are you?”
Hearing his voice for the first time in several weeks shook me somewhat. I was surprised by my reaction. I was certain that the little emotion I felt for Cody was out of my system. I found myself now wondering if I still felt a little something for him, or if what I thought was a little something was perhaps more. I bypassed those thoughts for now. I had to handle my business.
“Hello, Cody. It has been a while since we talked. I realize it’s late, but I really needed to get some information from you.”
“Sure. How can I help you?” he asked so casually.
I don’t know what I expected, but I was startled by his blasé attitude. I guess I thought he would either be begging to see me again or yelling at me for hurting him the way I did. This nonchalant demeanor was throwing me off. I pressed on, however. I needed to know the content of his and Shaun’s conversation.
“This may be unorthodox considering you are still Shaun’s attorney and your conversations are privileged, but I need you to tell me exactly what you told him when you last saw him.”
“Oh! Wanting to know what your husband and I talked about during my visit is unorthodox.” Cody chuckled. “You are truly funny, Lindsay Taylor.”
Now I was a bit more comfortable. Call me a weirdo, but hearing a little animosity and sarcasm from Cody actually calmed my nerves a bit.
“I wasn’t trying to amuse you, Cody. Shaun made me a little nervous when I talked to him this evening. To get straight to the point
, I need to know if you in any way, shape, or form, let on about our affair?”
Cody became completely serious again as he stated, “Of course not. I would never do anything that would cause you any harm or heartache in your life. You know that, don’t you?”
“Yes, Cody. For the most part I do, but like I said, Shaun made me uncomfortable when I spoke with him. Maybe I’m just dealing with my own guilt and paranoia.”
“Well, to put your mind at ease, I’ll tell you what was said between me and your husband. Shaun asked me to come up and help him with the paperwork for his release. He needed my legal advice on handling things regarding his transition between the prison, the halfway house, and coming home to you. It was an unusual request, but when my clients pay as well as your husband, I try my best to oblige them.”
“Cody, Shaun said you told him you ran into me, and I didn’t look good. Why would you tell him that?”
“I never said anything like that to him. He asked me if I had seen or talked to you. I told him I called you once to see if you had any further problems from the FBI and that was that.”
Okay somebody was lying. If I were a betting woman, I would put my money on Shaun because he had the history. But why would Shaun say something like that? What kind of game was he playing?
Cody interrupted my thoughts. “You have to know I have missed you, Lindsay. I thought it was best, however, to leave things alone after our last confrontation. We ended a little sooner than I hoped it would, but I knew the end was inevitable. Tell me you’re okay though. Please tell me you have not been suffering with the broken heart that I have.”
As usual, Cody’s words were so full of compassion, caring, and love that I almost slipped and told him I was pregnant. I wanted and needed his love and his strength to get me through this. Yet, I didn’t think it was fair to ask him to help me abort his child, so I held my tongue.
“I’ve missed you too, Cody, but you are right. Ending our relationship was the best thing to do.” I knew he wanted me to say more, but I didn’t want him to hear the misery in my voice.