by Janice Jones
I gave Cody an incredulous look, admonishing him for blaming himself for any of the mess in my life. “How can you possibly feel responsible for any of this, Cody? All you did was be good to me. I blamed myself for a while, but Shyanne told me she wouldn’t allow me to do that to myself. So I had to let that go. If there is any blame left to be handed out it belongs to Shaun. He lied to me continuously. Because I loved him like I was supposed to do, his lies cost me.” I placed my hand over my heart hoping that the mere touch of my fingers would somehow ease the pain I felt there.
“As I said, I knew it wouldn’t make sense to you and not everything in this life makes sense, Lindsay. I knew you were too good for Shaun, yet I let you go back to him. I didn’t try to fight for you or convince you that you deserved better than him even if the better was not me. I feel like I let you down.”
Cody gathered me in his arms as gently as a mother does her newborn child and held me as I cried my hundredth stream. I wet the front of his shirt with the moisture from my eyes and nose. He sat holding onto me, not the least bit phased that I was ruining his expensive clothing. How could I have let a man this strong out of my life in an effort to hold onto a weak little boy? Cody was right; life often times made no sense.
I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Cody would gladly take me back into his life if I offered myself to him even after all these years. I also knew that now was not the time. I had too much going on in my head and in my heart. I needed time to heal from everything. I needed to deal with and then get over the mistakes I made with Shaun before I could pursue another relationship. Cody deserved a whole woman. I was too battered and broken mentally, physically, emotionally, and even spiritually to be of any good to him. But I also knew that God was more than willing and prepared to put me back together, piece by piece.
I looked up from the mess I had made on Cody’s shirt and gazed into his eyes. “Cody, you know I appreciate your coming here this evening to talk to me about the current state of affairs with Shaun. I’m even more grateful for all that you have said since. You are one in a million. This means you ought to have someone who is your equal. Right now I can’t be that for you. I need time to recover from so many things. I need to heal without the complications of worrying about someone else’s feelings. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”
“Of course I do. I understand perfectly. Just know that I am here for you. Yes, I am in love with you, Lindsay, but I love you as a friend as well. I can be that for you. Okay?”
With all that said, I walked Cody to the door. I kissed him on the cheek, waited for him to get in his car and drive away. I held on to every word he said tonight, and for the first time in a long time, I felt a little peace.
Chapter Twenty-eight
It has been a month since Shyanne’s death, and this was the first time that I had returned to my house. The last time I was here, I tore up the place. I was now on a clean up mission.
My emotions had run the gamut over the death of my best friend and the end of my marriage. I had gone from being extremely depressed when I thought about Shyanne never again being here with me, to exceedingly joyful when I thought about the wonderful times we shared.
When I think of Shaun, I am sometimes filled with so much anger and rage that I curse God for not only creating him, but his parents and their parents and so on. Other times, like when I look at my babies, I am grateful that I knew him because I have them. I remember the love he used to lavish upon me and my heart breaks. I am so hurt because my dreams of sharing a life with him and raising our children together have been shattered.
As I cleaned my house, I started noticing little things that changed since I was last here. It became obvious that Shaun had been here at some point since the beating. I went upstairs to see if anything was missing. The only things I found gone were the photo album of Shauntae that I made for him on our fifth wedding anniversary, the pictures I sent him of Lil’ Shaun while he was in prison, and his mink coat. It looked as if all of his clothing still hung in the closet.
On my way out of the bedroom I noticed a shiny object sticking out amongst the rumpled covers on the bed. I went to retrieve it and found it was a gun. The pistol was silver and seemingly polished to perfection. The darn thing was almost glowing.
I picked it up to find it was surprisingly light considering its size. I had never handled a gun before, so I was ignorant to anything regarding a pistol other than the simple point and shoot. I fiddled with it, making sure to keep my fingers away from the trigger. I certainly didn’t want to shoot myself in the foot or worse. While examining the weapon, I discovered how to release the clip. There were about four bullets missing. I searched some more and figured out how to put the safety on so it wouldn’t discharge automatically.
Since the gun had missing ammunition, I figured I would take it to the police and turn it in, letting them know it belonged to Shaun. This would perhaps give them something to use against him when he went back to court. I stuck the gun in my purse when I got back downstairs and left it there. I would go to the police station after I finished cleaning.
I was immersed in putting my house in order when the phone rang, startling me. I assumed it was Mama. She was the only person who knew I was there, so I neglected to check the caller ID. I answered the phone and almost fainted when I heard the voice on the other end.
“Hello, Lindsay.” he said
I had not heard a word from Shaun since my birthday, the day he beat me. Hearing his voice now made my head spin instantly. I stopped breathing. I could not speak if my life depended on it.
“I know I caught you off guard, baby, and I apologize. I drove by about a half hour ago and saw your car in the driveway. I didn’t want to come in and scare you half to death, so I kept going.”
I couldn’t believe it, but Shaun’s voice was actually soothing in my ear. I tried to shake off the calming feeling, but it kept coming and the next thing I knew I was talking again.
“Thank you for your consideration, Shaun,” I said more affectionately than I wanted to.
I stood in the middle of the kitchen floor having an internal war between my heart and my mind. My stupid heart was winning.
Shaun could always read my moods even through the phone lines, and today was no different. He took advantage of the tone in my voice.
“I know this sounds crazy to you, but I miss you so much. I’m sure you don’t believe me, but it’s true. You are my wife, Lindsay. You and the kids mean everything in the world to me.”
After everything, and I do mean everything, Shaun had put me through, I could not believe my foolish heart was warming to him. My face became flushed and my sexually dormant body began to heat.
“You’re right, Shaun, it does sound crazy. Even crazier is the fact I really miss you too. What is it? What kind of hold do you have over me that I could still love you like I do even with all that has happened?” The questions came out of my mouth, but I honestly didn’t recognize my own voice.
“Lindsay, what we share is unexplainable. I have loved you from the first moment I laid eyes on you in the grocery store thirteen years ago. I think you felt the same way that same day. No matter how hard we try, we can’t seem to shake what is to be our destiny.”
I started crying and my mind clouded for a moment. It seemed that for so many years all I had done was cry. I cried because Shaun had hurt me. I cried because Shaun made me happy. I cried because Shaun made me flat out crazy.
That was it; the answer was right there. I was standing in the middle of my kitchen floor losing my mind, only I was conscious of the fact. No doctor was necessary to diagnose me as looney. I was at least coherent enough to establish it for myself.
The next words from my mouth surprised us both. “Where are you, Shaun? I need to see you.”
“Are you sure you’re ready for that, Lindsay? You’ve been through so much. Perhaps we should take this real slow and just settle with talking for a while first.”
“No, Sha
un. You don’t understand. I need to see you as badly as I need air in my lungs. I need to wrap myself in your arms and have you slip yourself inside me so that we can become one again. Please, Shaun, don’t deny me this. I feel like a junkie in desperate need of a fix. Your love is my drug. I have to see you, Shaun.”
I spoke with an urgency in my voice that even I could not recognize. I was shaking like a leaf. If Shaun denied me the opportunity to see him, I felt as if I would collapse in the middle of the floor and die.
“All right, Lindsay. I’ll come. Give me about an hour, and I’ll meet you at the house.”
“No, Shaun. I don’t want you to come here. There are so many bad memories in this house. I can come to you. Where are you?”
Shaun told me he was leasing a townhouse in the complex we used to live in together before we got married. He gave me the address. I told him to give me a few hours. I wanted to get my hair done and make myself beautiful for him.
I called my hairdresser and was able to secure an emergency appointment. She had not seen me since Shyanne’s funeral, and she knew my head was a mess. I also got my nails done. Then I went back to our house to shower and find something sexy to wear. By the time I was all dolled up, it was dark outside, which was just fine with me. The nighttime gave the atmosphere the appropriate feel for the rejoining of my husband and me.
I arrived at the complex and had to search for Shaun’s townhouse. It had been a while since I had been back there, so I got turned around a few times. When I finally found his place, I parked in front and sat outside to get myself together. I was so nervous. Something inside my soul told me that once I crossed Shaun’s threshold, my life would forever be changed. That same something said that when I left this place again, that very change would be for the better.
I finally gathered my runaway nerves, listened to my inner voice, and exited the car. I approached the door and rang the bell. The door opened after only a few seconds and there stood Shaun with his devastatingly beautiful smile and equally beautiful face. He moved away so I could enter the house and I stepped inside. I was immediately struck by the scent of a familiar fragrance. I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what it was, but I refused to dwell on it.
From where I stood the place looked completely furnished, which made me wonder how long Shaun had this place? But tonight was not about the past. It was not about being suspicious over anything he did before he called me today. It was only about starting from this moment and moving forward, rebuilding and strengthening the unbreakable emotional bond the two of us shared.
Shaun led me to the coral leather sectional that took up the majority of the living room and offered me a seat. I thought it a little amusing that Shaun would have this type of furniture in his living room because he always wanted leather furniture in our home. I was not fond of the look myself, thinking of it as bachelor pad furniture. But this piece was nice. It suited Shaun well.
We sat staring at each other nervously for a few seconds, then Shaun broke the ice by telling me what he felt was good news. “Lindsay, my mother gave me a letter she received from Keva. From the date on the letter, it seems that she has had it for more than three months, but neglected to give it to me. I questioned her about why she held on to it so long, and her simple answer was she forgot. I get the feeling—knowing my mother—that she probably wanted to make Keva sweat the same way Keva has made me sweat all these years. The letter said that she and Kevaun have been living in Atlanta for the past four years. She said she moved there and took Kevaun to get back at me for ending our relationship. Keva said she has since gotten married to a really nice guy. She said he was the one who convinced her to contact me. He explained to her how unfair she was being to Kevaun by keeping him away from me. My plan is to call Keva in just a little while. I wanted to share the good news with you first. I am very anxious to see my son again as soon as possible. I hope that I can convince Keva to let me come and visit him for a little while, then have him come here to visit with us for the Thanksgiving holiday.”
Shaun seemed very excited about getting to finally see his son after all this time. Surprisingly, I felt nothing one way or the other. I was neither angry nor happy for Shaun. I guess I was still just nervous over seeing him for the first time in a month myself. But I still felt I should say something.
“That’s great, Shaun. I know you’re really happy about that,” I said tensely.
I put my purse in my lap and fidgeted with the strap to give my hands something to do. Shaun observed my discomfort and took my hands in his, rubbing them both very gently. He then stood and motioned for me to do the same. Not wanting my purse to fall to the floor, I lifted it in my hands. Before I had a chance to put it down, Shaun grabbed me and held me very closely in a warm and sensual embrace. I wrapped my arms around his back while still holding my purse in my hands and held on as tight as I could.
As I hugged Shaun, I kept my eyes open and looked over his shoulder. On the end table at the side of the sectional was a copy of Shyanne’s obituary. My body completely froze, but my mind started working overtime. The familiarity of the fragrance I smelled when I entered the house assaulted me again with renewed strength. What I smelled was Red Door, Shyanne’s favorite perfume. Since it could not have been Shyanne wearing it, I knew the scent had to belong to Tawanda.
Shaun had not yet noticed the tension that now consumed my body. His silly behind just held onto me for dear life. He buried his face in my hair and inhaled its fresh from the salon aroma, something he always enjoyed doing. He then moved his lips to nuzzle my neck, something he knew I always enjoyed him doing. Finally he moved his mouth back to my ear and whispered very tenderly, “I love you, Lindsay.”
By the time Shaun released me from his embrace, I had removed his pistol from my purse. I aimed the barrel straight at his heart. I undid the safety on the gun, not like the amateur who just learned how to engage it, but more like the seasoned murderer I was about to become.
Shaun still had not noticed the gun. He was staring so intently into my eyes, looking for the love that used to pour from them every time I looked at him. That is not what he found. The look of confusion on his face let me know he didn’t find what he was searching for. Confusion turned to fear as he looked down to see the gun I held in my hand and Shaun’s eyes widened in shock.
I pulled the trigger before he had a chance to react any further, and the force of the bullet from the nine millimeter sent him flying over the arm of the sofa, crashing onto the table that held my girl’s face.
Shaun tried to force himself into a sitting position, but I stepped forward a few inches and fired the gun again, hitting him once more square in the chest. He collapsed and rolled onto the floor face first, leaving blood splattered on the table and Shyanne’s image.
It was unnecessary to go closer to the body. I knew my husband was dead. I calmly placed the gun back in my purse and walked out the door.
When I got outside, nothing seemed disturbed; no one came out of his or her homes as if they had heard gunshots. As I got into my car and drove away, all seemed quite normal and peaceful.
And for me it was.
Epilogue
Shaun’s body was discovered two days later by his girlfriend, Tawanda, who convinced the police to kick down the door after she had not heard from him in more than forty-eight hours. She told the cops that the last time she saw him was 8:00 P.M. on the day I killed him, which was about thirty minutes before I arrived at his house. The lowdown dirty dog.
The police tracked me down at my mother’s house several hours after moving Shaun’s body to the morgue and told me of his tragic death. They asked me to come down and make a positive identification, but I refused. I told them we were separated, and I just didn’t want to do the I.D. I told them to let his new girlfriend do it.
Tawanda told the police all about the contract that was on Shaun’s life by the rival drug dealers. That war is where they focused their investigation, at least until I shot Rhonda at Shaun’
s funeral with the same gun. I was arrested at the scene and taken into custody.
My children were brought in separately and my mother was allowed to pick them up from the police station. One of the officers at the station was cool. He gave my mother the message that I needed her to contact Cody, my attorney. After that I exercised my right to remain silent until I saw Cody’s face.
By the time Cody arrived at the station, the police had matched the bullets from Rhonda’s body to the bullets from the nine millimeter I used to kill Shaun. Thankfully there were no other bodies linked to the gun. The following day I was arraigned and charged with two counts of second degree murder. I pleaded not guilty and bail was set at half-million dollars cash. Cody posted it without blinking an eye.
After hearing my entire story coupled with Cody’s fancy lawyer talk, the D.A. pleaded my case down to second degree manslaughter. I accepted the plea and the judge sentenced me to a term of two to five years in a minimum-security women’s prison.
I often think about the day I killed Shaun. I realize I probably could have gotten away with a temporary insanity plea. I honestly believe my mind snapped when Shaun called the house that day. In my deranged grief-stricken, heart-broken subconscious, I started plotting the murder of my husband from the time I heard his voice on the telephone.
My brain made my heart feel all those emotions I spoke to Shaun about on the phone so I would go to him and put an end to the chance that I would ever let him back in my life. I promised Shyanne I would never love him again and that was a promise my subconscious planned on keeping, even if my outer emotions betrayed me. I have never shared these thoughts with anyone, not even my fiancé.
Since my incarceration, Cody has served as executor of my estate, and with my permission, sold all the things that were in my name while I was married to Shaun; the house, the businesses, the car, all of my jewelry; everything. The money has been divided up five ways and placed in a trust for each of Shaun’s children.