Truly Married

by Phyllis Halldorson

  He rubbed his hands over his face then straightened up and looked at her. “I’m not lying. I’m telling you the truth, but I can understand why you don’t believe me. I wouldn’t have believed it, either, if the situation were reversed and it was you trying to convince me.”

  Sharon sank back down on the couch beside him. “We always hurt each other when we try to talk about this,” she said. “Maybe we’d better listen to music or watch television or something.”

  “No,” he said. “We’ve got to talk about it. Otherwise you’ll never be able to forgive me. I’ll tell you anything you want to know as long as it doesn’t compromise Elaine’s dignity or right to privacy.”

  She knew he was right, but she found prying into his relationship with his second wife distasteful and vowed to be more sensitive and considerate.

  “You still miss her and grieve for her, don’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  Well, of course he did. That was a stupid question.

  She tried again. “Was there any difficulty at the law firm when we were divorced and you married her?”

  He hesitated. “There were no ethical problems, but the atmosphere was pretty sticky for a while. For months there was a lot of gossip and speculation behind our backs, and everyone seemed to feel embarrassed or awkward around us. The whole staff adored you, and although Elaine wouldn’t admit it, I know some of the more self-righteous considered her a home wrecker and snubbed her.”

  His expression hardened. “The bastards. I just wish I’d caught them at it, but they weren’t brave enough to confront me.”

  Sharon was startled by the surge of sympathy for Elaine that welled up inside her. She’d never wished the other woman harm, but neither had she expected to feel compassion for her.

  “I’m sorry,” she said gently. “If I’d known I’d never have condoned that type of thing.”

  His bleak expression softened. “No, I know you wouldn’t. You’re too kind and sweet to ever deliberately hurt anyone, no matter what they may have done to you.”

  She shook her head sadly. “Don’t burden me with a halo and wings. I can be as vindictive as anyone. You of all people should know that. I’ve been scorching you regularly with caustic comments.”

  His mouth turned up at the corners in a small smile. “That’s all right. It just reminds me that you’re mortal, too.”

  She wanted to touch him, to curl up in his arms, but she couldn’t do that when she still had questions about his marriage to Elaine. It didn’t seem proper.

  “Did you ever find out who sent those notes to me?” she asked. “The ones telling me you were involved with Elaine?”

  “I wasn’t involved with her...” he began, then paused and sighed. “Well, I suppose I was, emotionally, but not sexually. And no, I was never able to trace down who those notes came from. I even hired a private detective, but whoever did it covered his or her tracks like a professional.”

  Sharon shuddered. “I hate the idea of someone spying on us like that and deliberately causing trouble. It makes me feel naked and exposed. I suspect it was someone in your firm, perhaps another attorney who was jealous because you were the fair-haired boy there.”

  Fergus reached out and twisted a lock of her hair around his finger. “I wouldn’t say I was the fair-haired boy,” he said with a half smile, “but I agree that it was someone in the firm.” His smile disappeared, although he continued to play with her hair. “If I ever find out who it was I’ll see to it that he or she fries in hell.” There was heavy menace in his tone.

  Sharon had another question, but it was so personal that she hesitated. She’d been asked the same thing a number of times during their marriage and after the divorce, and it had always offended her.

  Still, he’d said he’d tell her anything she wanted to know, and she really needed to know this. She couldn’t look at him, but lowered her gaze and took a deep breath. “Fergus, you...you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to, but I...I can’t help wondering...”

  Her voice trailed off and his filled the silent void. “Why don’t you ask and let me decide whether or not I can answer?”

  She glanced up and met his eyes. “All right. I’m wondering why you and Elaine didn’t have children. I mean, when you and I were married I thought you were as eager as I to get to the point where we could start a family.”

  His expression was impassive. “I was, but Elaine didn’t want a child. I had no intention of forcing the issue. I’ve always felt that people who don’t want children shouldn’t have them. They seldom make good parents. Elaine was an excellent lawyer, and her career was vitally important to her.”

  Sharon had mixed feelings about that. What happens when one of a couple wants children and the other one doesn’t? Is it always the woman’s decision? Doesn’t the man have any say in it?

  She wasn’t going to open that can of worms. “I see,” she said, instead. “Then you were content to remain childless.”

  “I didn’t say that!” Fergus exclaimed.

  His tone told her he’d rather not pursue the subject further. She looked away again. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.”

  “I know,” he said quietly. “Would it be prying if I asked you if you still want a houseful of babies?”

  She brightened at the thought. A houseful of Fergus’s babies would be heavenly. “Oh yes, I do. If I don’t marry again I’ll adopt. Single women can do that now, and there are so many unwanted children...”

  Her bubble of dreams burst as reality punctured it, and she gasped at the sharp pain that swept through her. “That is, of course, if I don’t have to go to prison.”

  He clenched his fists. “Don’t say that,” he grated. “It’s not going to happen.”

  She knew that was wishful thinking rather than a statement of fact, but even so it was comforting.

  Before she could reply he asked a question of his own. “If you should find that you are pregnant after our, um, carelessness today what will you do?”

  She blinked. “Do? I’ll have the child and raise it, of course. If I’m in prison I’ll expect you to acknowledge it as yours and raise it.”

  Fergus’s expression turned icy with shock. “You can’t possibly think I wouldn’t acknowledge a child of ours!”

  “Of course I don’t,” she quickly explained. “The thought never occurred to me. That was just a bad choice of words.”

  His face twisted with emotion. “There are other options,” he said shakily.

  “Not for me.” Her voice was firm. “But if I am pregnant I have no intention of having our baby in prison, so you’d better find out who really did kill Floyd.”

  Fergus stood and turned away from her so she wouldn’t see how close he was to losing control.

  Our baby! Two words he’d given up hope of ever hearing her say. They made him glow with anticipation inside, even as they broke his heart. How could he have been so careless? So reckless?

  My God, she had enough to worry about without adding the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy!

  “I will,” he vowed, “but if you’re not pregnant I strongly suggest that you start taking the pill again.”

  She didn’t answer, and the ominous silence grew until finally he turned around to look at her. She was sitting sort of hunched over, with her head lowered.

  “Sharon?”

  She looked up slowly, and he saw the anguish in her expressive blue eyes. “That won’t be necessary,” she said sadly. “What happened this afternoon was wonderful. We both needed it, and I...I can’t say I’m sorry it happened, but it won’t happen again.”

  He caught his breath, but she hurried on. “We can never be casual lovers, Fergus, and I won’t marry you again. But even more important, I’m going to be on trial for murder and you’re my attorney. We can’t be passionate lovers at night and still maintain a professional detachment in the courtroom.”

  He had to stifle the urge to put his hands over his ears. He didn’t want to hear th
is! How could they not repeat such a mind-blowing experience? Especially when they were living in the same house. Their bedrooms were just a narrow hallway apart!

  “Sharon, do you know what you’re asking of me? Of us? You were as involved in our lovemaking as I. Are you telling me you can just shut off all that passion and pretend it never happened?” He knew he was overreacting, but my God, he was a human being, not a machine!

  “No, that’s not what I’m telling you,” she said. “You found out today how strongly I’m still attracted to you, but lust isn’t the same as love.”

  “The hell it’s not!” he argued. “Passionate love is equal parts of unbridled lust and deeply committed caring. At least, that’s the way I love you.”

  Sharon’s expression hardened. “And is it also the way you loved Elaine?” she asked coldly.

  All the indignation drained out of him, and he sank down onto the nearest chair. It always came back to that. The curse of caring deeply for one woman and being passionately in love with another.

  His love for Sharon was intense. Passion, fireworks and ecstasy. His devotion to Elaine had been more mature. Calm, tranquil, a meeting of the minds. Although there’d been an instant attraction between them from the time they’d met, he’d always known that it was more cerebral than sexual.

  Elaine had been his age, early thirties, with nine years of college and law school, plus four years of work experience, behind her. Her career was as important to her as his was to him, and they could discuss it intelligently and with full understanding. There was nothing frivolous about her.

  Sharon, on the other hand, had been ten years younger and still in college. A schoolgirl, bright and ambitious, but so very young. Her interests had been college sports, rock concerts and saving the environment single-handedly.

  In bed they’d been combustible, but outside the bedroom they’d had little to talk about. She’d known nothing about the law, and college sports had bored him almost as much as rock musicians had. He’d adored her, always would, but he’d gotten a little tired of waiting for her to grow up.

  That had been a mistake, and he’d paid dearly for it.

  He couldn’t tell Sharon because it would be disrespectful to Elaine, but Elaine had never catapulted him to the glorious heights that Sharon always did. Sharon was fire. Elaine had been compliance.

  “All right, Sharon,” he said wearily. “If that’s the way you want it I’ll respect your wishes.”

  “Fergus, I...I didn’t mean—”

  Belatedly he noticed that her expression had softened again, and she sounded uncertain. “No, it’s okay,” he assured her. “Besides, you’re right. It’s not a good idea for an attorney to sleep with his client. It puts too much pressure on both of them—the lawyer to win at all costs and the client to keep him satisfied so he’ll feel obligated.”

  “That’s not what I meant,” she protested.

  He managed a tight smile. “I know, but it’s the truth all the same. Don’t worry, I won’t seduce you against your will.”

  She uttered a little cry, and then she was kneeling on the floor in front of him. Immediately his knees parted and she moved between his legs.

  “I never thought you would,” she said brokenly as she put her arms around him and laid her face against his chest. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so bitchy.”

  His willpower totally shot, he engulfed her in his hungry arms and held her against him. She was so soft and cuddly, and in spite of their marathon lovemaking earlier he could feel himself straining against his jeans again.

  Obviously there was no limit to his virility where she was concerned. They were going to have to lay some ground rules in order to protect his sanity if he had to abide by her edict.

  Reluctantly he put his hands on either side of her rib cage and moved her back away from him. “Sweetheart, I hate to tell you this, but if we’re going to live together like brother and sister, then we’re both going to have to exercise a little restraint.” His voice sounded gritty. “No more touching, or hugging, or kissing....”

  Damn! Just the thought of doing those things with her made his mouth water and his voice break.

  Taking a deep breath, he continued, “I have limited control when it comes to you, and I can only guarantee it so far.”

  She looked stricken. “I’m sorry,” she said, and got to her feet. “I wasn’t thinking....”

  “Neither was I,” he confessed, “but that’s the problem. I’ve never been able to think straight when I’m with you. From now on we’re just attorney and client, okay?”

  Like hell! his unruly conscience screamed. He was glad she couldn’t hear it.

  * * *

  Two days later Sharon started her period, but instead of being relieved that she wasn’t pregnant she felt a disappointment so sharp that, much to her dismay, she broke down and cried when she told Fergus. Fortunately he misunderstood and thought her tears were from relief.

  “Don’t cry, sweetheart,” he said as he broke his own rule against touching and took her in his arms. “It’s over now and you don’t have to worry anymore. I’m so sorry that I put you through this added suspense. It was selfish and inexcusable of me.”

  She wanted to protest. To tell him the real reason she was so upset. But it would only confuse him even more. How could she explain that she’d welcome his baby, even though she wouldn’t marry him and be a family?

  Except for that episode, Fergus and Sharon spent the rest of the week striving to maintain a polite distance. A struggle that became more difficult every day as the magnetic tension between them continued to build.

  Fergus and Ray spent most of the time going over police reports and tracking down leads that usually led nowhere. Sharon was able to help by supplying background on the employees of the hotel and providing tidbits of office gossip that might be useful. She also contacted her doctor and got a prescription for birth-control pills, just in case.

  Then, on Monday, Fergus was summoned back to Chicago to take care of more of his neglected business there. The phone call came in midmorning and left him shaken and frustrated.

  “I had no idea this trial date would be moved up,” he said as he told Sharon about it, “and I have to appear. There’s no way I can get out of it.”

  Sharon’s heart sank, and the fear she’d managed to temporarily push back returned full force. He couldn’t go to Chicago. She needed him here. How could he prove her innocent if he was off in another state defending someone else?

  Before she could pull herself together and say something, he continued, “Come with me, honey. Under the circumstances I’m almost sure I can get the judge’s permission to take you out of this court’s jurisdiction. You’re in my custody, and I have urgent business in Illinois.”

  For just a moment she let herself dream of going back to Chicago with him, living with him alone in his apartment....

  That’s where the fantasy stopped and reality set in.

  “I—I’d like to,” she stammered, “but that would be most unwise. Not only would it look bad, but before long we’d be playing house and making believe it could last forever.”

  Fergus scowled and shoved his hands in his pockets. “And what’s so wrong about that? There’s always the possibility that it could last forever if we’d only give it a chance.”

  She shook her head. “That’s a gamble I’m not ready to take. Right now I’ve got all I can handle with my own trial coming up in less than two months.”

  His scowl disappeared. “I know. That’s why I’d like to take you away from here for a while. We can always waive your request for an early trial, you know.”

  Sharon shivered. “No. I couldn’t stand more than two months of this waiting, not being able to plan for the future. Not even knowing if I have a future.”

  In the end Fergus drove off alone, but not before he’d kissed her goodbye. A kiss that melted her bones, and, if it had lasted a second longer, would also have melted her resolve not to go with him. As
she watched him leave it was all she could do not to run after him, beg him to take her along and damn the consequences.

  With Fergus gone, Ray continued their investigation and reported to her each evening. After a couple of days he suggested that she come into his office and handle the paperwork and phone calls regarding her case, thus freeing his secretary to fulfill her duties for the fledgling law practice he was building.

  Sharon was delighted. It gave her something to do instead of just sitting around going out of her mind with worry and loneliness. It also gave her the opportunity to be in on everything that was happening.

  However, on the down side, she could see how little progress they were actually making. Whoever had come into Vancleave’s office through the sliding-glass door and killed him while she was gone must have been invisible. They’d tracked down and talked to a number of guests who had been in the pool area at that time, but none of them had been paying attention to anything but their own pursuits, either in the water or lounging poolside.

  In fact, only two of them had even noticed there was a door other than the main exit leading to the area.

  The brightest spot of Sharon’s days was Fergus’s evening phone call. He never missed a day, and she eagerly looked forward to them. On Wednesday of the week after he’d left St. Louis, he told her that the prosecutor had rested his case and the defense would start presenting theirs the following day. “The D.A. didn’t have anything we can’t counter,” he said optimistically. “I expect a verdict of innocence sometime next week.”

  That cheered her immensely. “Oh, I hope so. We’re sort of at a standstill here, and I... That is we... Ray and I... We’ve missed you.”

  He lowered his voice to a husky murmur. “I miss you, too, love, and I don’t mean you and Ray. Just you. The sweet image of you haunts me during the day and torments me at night.”

  Her whole body tingled with pleasure, even as she chided herself for not having more control over her feelings. How could she love him so completely, when she knew he was incapable of making a lifetime commitment to just one woman? She was letting him sweet-talk her into getting her heart broken again.