Praise for Dispatches from Bitter America
A self-proclaimed gun-toting, chicken-eating son-of-a-Baptist, Todd Starnes uses Southern sensibilities mixed with homespun humor to take us along his journey across America. In Dispatches from Bitter America this "Great American" finds that not only is our American way of life under attack, but also that most Americans do in fact love God, this country, their families and are anything but bitter!
—Sean Hannity, New York Times best-selling author, host of the syndicated Sean Hannity radio show and FOX News' Hannity
Todd Starnes is a masterful storyteller. In Dispatches from Bitter America, he offers commentary on today's current events through the lens of a self-proclaimed gun-toting, fried-chicken-eating son of a Baptist. Todd has always been one of my favorite news personalities and good friends. Now he is one of my favorite storytellers. Warning: don't start reading this book unless you are prepared to finish it. It's just that good.
—Thom S. Rainer, President and CEO, LifeWay Christian Resources
In the great tradition of Mark Twain's classic essays, Starnes's Dispatches are alternately filled with belly laughs and bellicose observations, riveting stories and troubling revelations, as well as patriotic pleas and everyman advice. Dispatches is a free-wheeling blend of journalism and editorial opinion, with an added shot of satire blended into the mix.
—Dr. Gene Fant, a dean and English professor, Union University
Todd Starnes's newest book, Dispatches from Bitter America, is everything I thought it would be. Todd uses his classic biting humor and sarcasm to drive home his points. He is merciless when writing about the insane and irrational decisions being made in America today. He may make you uncomfortable, but what he says is true. This book is the antithesis of political correctness, which is why I couldn't put it down. Every page is a reminder that we are losing touch and the favor of God in the land that we all love.
—Michael Catt, senior pastor, Sherwood Church, Albany, Georgia, executive producer, Sherwood Pictures
Todd Starnes combines sound research with his signature wit to tell the stories of regular Americans who are standing up to a secular movement that seeks to remove all religious expression from the public square. This is a compelling book that puts our entire existence into the perspective of eternity.
—Tony Perkins, president, Family Research Council
Todd Starnes knows how to take any story and make me want to listen on FOX News. Dispatches from Bitter America shows that Todd can also write from the heart and make me want to read more! Classic Starnes!
—Matt Patrick, morning talk-show host, News/Talk 740 KTRH, Houston, Texas
In the spirit of getting better—not bitter—Todd's Dispatches from Bitter America is a masterpiece that appeals from the boardroom to the trash truck in it's humorous appeal to our good sense. He takes us on a wild ride across America, snagging blue collar workers right along with corporate CEOs, to ask, "What is this world coming to?" A journalist with an eye for detail, his words had me laughing out loud in places I shouldn't have, while praying earnestly for the ridiculously desperate corner we have gotten ourselves into as Americans and as evangelical Christians.
—Joni B. Hannigan, managing editor, Florida Baptist Witness
Todd Starnes captures the sentiments many Americans feel as they helplessly watch the traditional values they grew up with being stomped out and overruled by political correctness. Todd's stories will strike a chord, whether it's "The War on Christmas," "Tag—You're Out," or "The Chocolate Czar." Brownies now banned from school? Bah hum-bug.
—Gretchen Carlson, cohost of Fox and Friends
Dispatches from Bitter America features Todd Starnes at his best. With his trademark wit, Todd tackles questions being asked by Americans who wonder what is happening to our country.
Todd manages to get to the heart of the matter in a way that is both packed with information and sprinkled with humor. He is a man of immense faith, madly in love with our country, and endowed by his creator with the unique talent to tell a story like very few can. Dispatches from Bitter America is the best book I've read this year.
—Jeff Katz, morning host, Talk Radio 12000, Boston
Copyright © 2012 by Todd Starnes
All rights reserved
Printed in the United States of America
ISBN: 978-1-4336-7275-0
Published by B&H Publishing Group
Nashville, Tennessee
Dewey Decimal Classification: 361.6
Subject Heading: SOCIAL POLICY UNITED STATES—CIVILIZATION CULTURE CONFLICT
Unless otherwise stated, Scripture quotations have been taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1999, 2000, 2002, 2003, 2009 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission. Holman Christian Standard Bible®, Holman CSB® and HCSB® are federally registered trademarks of Holman Bible Publishers.
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This book is dedicated to:
Uncle Jerry—the original gun-toting Bitter American
In Memory of:
Great Uncle Bunny—a decorated veteran of WWII
Acknowledgments
First and foremost, I give glory to the Author of my salvation—my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He gave me life everlasting and is my constant companion on this never-ending journey.
I'm especially thankful to my wonderful family. They keep me laughing and thinking year-round. I'm blessed with a great family tree. A special thank you to Aunt Lynn, Aunt Norma, Amy, Kristina, Saundra, and Bill. Oh, Bill. You've walked alongside me through two books now. And I'm a better writer because of you. It has been an epic journey, cousin. I owe you a pound of chocolate.
To my researchers, Cory, Cousin Daniel, and Garrett, I know the work was tedious, but you did such an amazing job. Garrett, thanks for your snarkiness—and your refreshing take on pop culture. Cory, thank you for taking time in between baseball games to field questions about politics! You hit a home run. Daniel, you are simply brilliant.
The team at B&H is tremendously spectacular. Julie, you had me at the blueberry cobbler. Selma, Kim, Lawrence, John, and Gary—you've been such a blessing to work with. And what can I say about the wonderful sales team? Thank you!
I'm also blessed to have one of the finest literary agents in the business. Frank Breeden, thank you for your wisdom, your guidance and your encouragement. And my legal team—Bryce and Kristen—mega-thanks!
Great friends are a precious source of encouragement and I'm grateful for many who helped me through the writing of this book—Elise, Sarah, Kellen, Blake, Derek, Lauren, Tara, Jessica, Willie, Shannon, Kevin, Paul, Robyn, and Tonya.
To my dear friend Kenton, you've taught me to appreciate the more refined way of New York City living—but I'm still not going to wear a bow tie. You are a dear brother in the Lord.
Finally, a special thank you to my readers and listeners. Some of the finest radio stations in the nation are carrying my daily commentaries. Thank you! And I can't begin to thank my readers: your letters, e-mail, and tweets have brought joy to my life and a smile to my face.
You are the kind of people who make this country the greatest on the planet.
Bitter Americans? Hardly.
Blessed Americans? Absolutely.
Contents
Introduction
Dispatches from DC
1. Laus Deo
2. A Conversation with Mike Huckabee
3. The Great Barbecue Bailout of 2010
4. The Day They Burned the Bible
5. The Pentagon vs. Franklin Graham
6. Chickens Have Rights, Too
7. Singing Praise Songs to Obama
8. The Chocolate Czar
9. An Inconvenient Truth
10. Christmas at the White House
11. Baby Jesus, Planned Parenthood, and the White House
12. Prayers from a Gutter
13. Walk toward the Light
14. Does the President Have a Jesus Problem?
Dispatches from the Fly-over States
15. The War on Christmas
16. A Few Moments with Sean Hannity
17. Islamophobia Gone Wild
18. Sex Tents, Gerbils, and San Francisco Values
19. The War on the Boy Scouts
20. Why Can't a Man be More like a Man?
21. Why Is Daddy Wearing a Dress?
22. Save Mankind, Eat an Animal
23. A Conversation with Michelle Malkin
24. The Rise of the Food Nazis
Dispatches from the Schoolhouse
25. Jumping Off the GW Bridge—Sorry
26. Homecoming Queens, Kings, and Jokers
27. Rub a Dub Dub
28. Tag—You're Out
29. Pro-Gay or Anti-Straight?
Dispatches from the Pew
30. The War on Christianity
31. Dear Jesus, Will You Be My Facebook Friend?
32. Gird Your Loins, the Preacher's Talking about Sex
33. The Worship Wars
34. A Christmas Eve Miracle
35. It's the End of the World as We Know It
36. The End
Notes
Introduction
I am a gun-toting, chicken-eating son of a Baptist. And according to the president of the United States, I am a bitter American.
President Obama delivered the diagnosis for my condition during the 2008 presidential campaign. In one of his rare, unscripted moments, then Senator Obama vented to a group of supporters in San Francisco about white, working-class voters.
"So it's not surprising then that they get bitter. They cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations,"1 he said, according to a transcript on The Huffington Post.
What a relief! I can pack away the antacid tablets. I always thought that bitter feeling in my belly was an upset stomach. But I don't have acid indigestion. I'm just a bitter American. I can't begin to tell you how indebted I am to the president of the United States for diagnosing my condition.
The antithesis of bitter Americans, I imagine, would be our countrymen who've been educated in Ivy League schools, who listen to highbrow music, and who dine on arugula and fermented soy. They are well-bred men who marry high-society women named Babs and Muffy. They are Americans who believe the only free speech should be their own. They are Americans who would rather the criminals have guns than law-abiding citizens. And they are Americans who believe mankind created the heavens and the earth and that man created God in his likeness.
But I do wonder about my prognosis for recovery. Will I have to turn my guns over to the federal government? Will I need to repent for the mass slaughter of innocent chickens to satisfy my bloodlust for finger-licking good food? Will I need to renounce my faith in the King of kings and instead bow my knee to whoever Oprah Winfrey ordains as "The One"?
Kind readers, these are lofty questions far above my pickup truck-driving, country music-listening, Paula Deen-loving pedigree. So I decided to hit the road in search of answers. What does it mean to be a bitter American? Is there a cure? And if so, do I want to take the medicine?
My search for answers took me through the cornfields of Iowa and the waters of South Carolina's low country; I traversed the Mississippi Delta and braved the scorching heat of the Nevada deserts. I was nearly mugged in Detroit and caught flu in Chicago, but I pressed on toward the prize. And one day it suddenly hit me. I was somewhere between a red state and a blue state when I had something of a political epiphany.
It happened at a small diner tucked away on a side street in the picturesque town of Manchester, New Hampshire. The Red Arrow Diner has been serving up blue-plate specials on Lowell Street since 1922. And it's also become a mandatory stop on the campaign trail for anyone who wants to take up residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
It was a cold, snowy day, just before the New Hampshire primary. I peeled off my winter coat and grabbed the first stool I could find. The waitress told me they made the best cheeseburger in town so that's what I ordered—along with a root beer.
As I was waiting for my meal, I thought about my epiphany. The network television reporters like to tell us we are a divided people—that most Americans don't buy into God and country. But that's not what I discovered along my journey. I found a nation with a lot more in common than the network news agencies would admit.
Most folks across the fruited plain really are alike. We work hard, tend backyard gardens, go to high school football games on Friday night, and go to church on Sunday. In a way that's what makes our country so wonderful and the fabric of our freedom so strong.
Consider our countrymen in New Hampshire. They understand the cost of freedom. It's emblazoned on every car in the state: "Live Free or Die." As soon as I crossed the state line from Massachusetts, I found a Cracker Barrel restaurant, picked up a country music station on the radio, and found a NASCAR racetrack. For a minute I thought I made a wrong turn and ended up in Alabama.
In between bites of my all-beef cheeseburger, I contemplated the American narrative—wondering why God chose to shed His grace on this land, on this people. I came up with five reasons.
1. Country music. Country music is American music. Johnny Cash, Reba, Dolly, Gretchen, Alabama—the list goes on and on. There's a certain reality to the songs and the singers. I remember after the towers fell on September 11, 2001. There was a lot of frustration and anger in this nation. And it fell to Toby Keith to put all that anger, all that hurt into a song. To this day, "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue"2 is in my iPod. Another thing I appreciate about country music—the women look like women, and the men act like men. I doubt we'll see Charlie Daniels walking around with a man purse.
2. Guns. I grew up in the South so I know a thing or two about guns. Unfortunately I live in New York City, where the policies of our elected officials would make one think they'd prefer only the criminals be armed. So these days I have to make do with a can of pepper spray. Thank goodness our forefathers had the wisdom to ensure all Americans have the right to defend themselves, their property, and their nation. And I can only imagine how many countries have thought twice about invading us, knowing that grandmas across the fruited plain are locked and loaded. In the words of Scarlett O'Hara, "I can shoot straight if I don't have to shoot far."3
3. Barbecue. A country that knows how to smoke a pork butt is a country worth defending. Friends, our nation is as diverse as the meat it smokes. In the North they smoke hams. In the South we smoke pork. In Texas they smoke beef. In California they smoke pot. Barbecue is not just food; it's a state of mind.
4. The military. A few weeks ago New York City celebrated Fleet Week. Hundreds of sailors and Marines were in town to see the sights and reunite with their families. It was a uniquely American moment. Our nation is home to the greatest volunteer military on the planet. How reassuring it is to know young men and women understand our freedom comes with a price. And every day they gladly stand tall so we might stand free.
5. Freedom.
We are a free people. I'm able to write these words because I am free. We can go to church on Sunday because we are free. We gather in courthouse squares and protest the government because we are free. Sometimes I wonder if we've forgotten about this unique and wonderful gift God has given us. We read the newspapers and magazines and learn America is supposedly in decline—a country that has lost its footing on the international stage. We've seen President Obama stand on foreign soil and apologize on our behalf. Well, quite frankly, who cares what the French or Russians think about us? I'm reminded of the words of Commodore Stephen Decatur. "Our country," he once proclaimed. "In her intercourse with foreign nations, may she always be in the right; but right or wrong, our country."4
So there. There we are.
Yet they call us bitter Americans—people who love this country unconditionally, people who pledge allegiance to the flag, people who believe in God, people who go to church, people who volunteer to take up arms and defend our nation against evil, people who believe English should be the nation's official language, people who believe marriage is a covenant before God between a man and a woman. Since when were these such bitter ingredients?
Meanwhile, back inside the Red Arrow Diner, I was polishing off the last bites of my cheeseburger when the waitress suggested I try some dessert.
"Sure. How about some sweet potato pie?"
"Honey, that's a southern dessert. You're in New Hampshire."
"What would you suggest?"
"How about some whoopee?" she asked.
"Excuse me?" I asked, nearly choking on my burger.
The waitress gave me a distressed look and then whacked me on the head with a menu. "It's a pie," she said. "Whoopee pie."
I ordered the pie—with extra whipped cream.
Dispatches from Bitter America: A Gun Toting, Chicken Eating Son of a Baptist's Culture War Stories Page 1