Dispatches from Bitter America: A Gun Toting, Chicken Eating Son of a Baptist's Culture War Stories

Home > Other > Dispatches from Bitter America: A Gun Toting, Chicken Eating Son of a Baptist's Culture War Stories > Page 2
Dispatches from Bitter America: A Gun Toting, Chicken Eating Son of a Baptist's Culture War Stories Page 2

by Starnes, Todd


  As I sipped on a cup of coffee, I was reminded of the lyrics from that great Lee Greenwood song, "Proud to Be an American":

  And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free. . . . And I gladly stand up, next to you and defend her still today. 'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land, God bless the USA.5

  And that's how I came up with the idea for this book. It's a collection of stories from my travels across this country—conversations I've had with regular folks who have deep concerns about the direction we are going as a nation.

  May God bless America, and may He also bless whoopee pie.

  Dispatches from DC

  1

  Laus Deo

  As dawn breaks over the eastern seaboard and the morning sun begins to spill its light across the waters of the Atlantic, there stands a monument of marble and granite rising high above our nation's capital.

  The beacon rises more than 555 feet and provides a perfect panoramic of the sixty-nine square miles that comprise the District of Columbia. To the north is the White House; to the south, the Jefferson Memorial; to the west the Lincoln Memorial; and to the east, the Capitol. But no building is as tall as the obelisk.

  At its pinnacle is a capstone made of aluminum. It was the intention of her architect, Robert Mills, to carve tributes on all four sides of the capstone; but the message he carved on the eastern side of the monument holds the most importance.

  The words have weathered time and turmoil, war and peace. To this day the seven letters Mr. Mills carved into the aluminum capstone remain.

  Laus Deo

  When morning comes to America, the first rays of light illuminate the capstone and Mr. Mill's testimony for the ages. The obelisk may celebrate a man, but it gives glory to a higher power—Laus Deo—praise be to God.

  I thought about the Washington Monument awhile back when I heard the president of the United States deliver a stunning message to the nation and to the world.

  President Obama set the record straight on the campaign trail. "America is no longer just a Christian nation," he told the Christian Broadcasting Network.

  It would not be the last time he made such a declaration.

  "I think that the United States and the West generally, we have to educate ourselves more effectively on Islam," he told a French television station in 2009. "And one of the points I want to make is, that if you actually took the number of Muslim Americans, we'd be one of the largest Muslim countries in the world."

  Did you catch that? The president said we'd be one of the largest Muslim countries in the world. Wait just a second—I thought the president said the United States was a secular nation?

  Obama reiterated his position in Turkey, where 98 percent of the nation is Muslim. The president, standing on foreign soil, declared the United States is not a Christian nation.

  "I've said before that one of the great strengths of the United States is, although as I mentioned we have a very large Christian population, we do not consider ourselves a Christian nation, or a Jewish nation or a Muslim nation," he said. "We consider ourselves a nation of citizens who are bound by ideals and a set of values."

  The American public, though, disagrees with the president. A Gallup survey found that 78 percent of Americans consider themselves Christian. To be sure, the president has his defenders. Among them is Michael Lind, the editor of New American Contract. In a column that appeared in Salon.com, he writes: "President Obama, then, is right. The American republic, as distinct from the American population, is not post-Christian because it was never Christian. In the president's words: 'We consider ourselves a nation of citizens who are bound by ideals and a set of values.' And for that we should thank the gods. All 20 of them."1

  For what it's worth, John Adams, the second president of the United States, was pretty clear which of the "gods" to thank.

  "July 4th ought to be commemorated as the day of deliverance by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty," he wrote in a letter to his wife, Abigail, on the day the Declaration of Independence was approved by Congress.

  Obama's declaration stands in stark contrast to comments once made by former President Ronald Reagan.

  "The Founding Fathers believed faith in God was the key to our being a good people and America's becoming a great nation," he said.

  And during a National Prayer Breakfast, Reagan did not hesitate to lay out the source of our nation's success. "I also believe this blessed land was set apart in a very special way, a country created by men and women who came here not in search of gold, but in search of God," he said. "They would be free people, living under the law with faith in their Maker and their future. Sometimes it seems we've strayed from that noble beginning, from our conviction that standards of right and wrong do exist and must be lived up to."

  Not a Christian nation? Tell that to the men who wrote our Declaration of Independence:

  We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

  Not a Christian nation? Tell that to George Washington. He used fifty-four biblical terms to describe God in his various writings. "While we are zealously performing the duties of good citizens and soldiers, we certainly ought not to be inattentive to the higher duties of religion. To the distinguished character of Patriot, it should be our highest glory to add the more distinguished character of Christian," he once wrote.

  Not a Christian nation? Tell that to John Jay, the first chief justice of the Supreme Court. "Providence has given to our people the choice of their rulers, and it is the duty, as well as the privilege and interest of our Christian nation to select and prefer Christians for their rulers," he wrote.

  Not a Christian nation? Tell that to James Madison, our fourth president and a signer of the U.S. Constitution. "A watchful eye must be kept on ourselves lest, while we are building ideal monuments of renown and bliss here, we neglect to have our names enrolled in the Annals of Heaven," he once wrote.

  Not a Christian nation? Tell that to Daniel Webster who once argued before the Supreme Court in favor of teaching religious instruction to children. "What is an oath? [I]t is founded on a degree of consciousness that there is a Power above us that will reward our virtues or punish our vices . . . [O]ur system of oaths in all our courts, by which we hold liberty and property and all our rights, are founded on or rest on Christianity and a religious belief."

  Not a Christian nation? Tell that to Patrick Henry, the voice of liberty. "Being a Christian . . . is a character which I prize far above all this world has or can boast," he once said.

  Not a Christian nation? Tell that to the father of the American Revolution—Samuel Adams. "I conceive we cannot better express ourselves than by humbly supplicating the Supreme Ruler of the world . . . that the confusions that are and have been among the nations may be overruled by the promoting and speedily bringing in the holy and happy period when the kingdoms of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ may be everywhere established, and the people willingly bow to the scepter of Him who is the Prince of Peace," he declared in a Fast Day Proclamation in 1797.

  Not a Christian nation? Tell that to Benjamin Rush, a signer of the Declaration of Independence and the father of public schools under the Constitution. "The only means of establishing and perpetuating our republican forms of government is the universal education of our youth in the principles of Christianity by means of the Bible," he wrote.

  Secular humanists may one day be successful in the religious cleansing of American history. There may come a time when Christian values will be banished from the marketplace of ideas and expelled from our public schools. On the horizon a day fast approaches when Americans could pay a price for following the teachings of Jesus Christ.

  And while the winds of change may sweep ac
ross the nation's capital, there stands a beacon of hope—a reminder that this nation of immigrants was built not on sinking sand but on a firm foundation, girded by Almighty God. And unless someone has a really tall ladder and a blowtorch, the first rays of morning light will shine down upon these United States of America, illuminating an eternal truth and a grateful nation's prayer. Praise be to God!

  Laus Deo.

  2

  A Conversation with Mike Huckabee

  Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee is one of my heroes of the faith. We share similar backgrounds. We are both sons of the South, members of Southern Baptist congregations, and lovers of fried chicken. He also wanted to name Chuck Norris as his secretary of defense. Enough said.

  We were recently breaking bread at one of my favorite New York City barbecue joints when the subject of politics and religion came up. Between ribs the governor shared his observations on some topics I believe are important to Christian Americans.

  From the VIP booth at Righteous Urban Barbecue, here's a bit of our conversation. And please just ignore the stains; that's just barbecue sauce.

  Todd: President Obama once described people who cling to their guns and religion as "bitter Americans." Do you consider yourself a bitter American, and how would you describe people who support gun rights and religion?

  Huckabee: Having the capacity to protect myself and enjoy hunting doesn't make me bitter at all—quite the opposite. I'm pretty much a happy guy, and my faith certainly doesn't make me bitter. But then my pastor isn't Jeremiah Wright and hasn't filled me with anger and blame, but grace and forgiveness.

  Todd: Some would say it's a defining statement about what President Obama thinks about the rest of the country.

  Huckabee: I think it's been clearly evident from his policies that he really does believe in redistribution of wealth. That's frightening because what it shows is a complete lack of understanding of what made America great. He tends to think that our greatness was made by government intervention—to force people to give over what they earn to people who didn't earn it. And that is scary.

  Todd: Are you saying there's some sort of disconnect between the White House and the rest of America?

  Huckabee: There's no doubt there's a disconnect. But I think it's not just ideological. It's experimental. He has simply not lived as most people have lived. His own childhood and background, his academic life, his adult job experience. He's never run a small business, never met a payroll. He's never signed the front of a paycheck. Those are experiences that would have given him a very different perspective from the one he has.

  Todd: Give me your impression of where we are as a country—and where we are headed.

  Huckabee: Throughout my lifetime there have been those moments when many thought the country was doomed. It wasn't. When God is ready to close the show, no one can keep it open. When He wants to keep it open, no one can close it.

  Todd: Dangerous times?

  Huckabee: Dangerous, yes; but hopeless, no. I think this spending that we're engaged in is putting us at a great risk economically for the future. And it's going to result most likely in hyper-inflation, which means the value of things is going to go down dramatically. The impact on the future generations is stark—very, very frightening.

  Todd: People are genuinely concerned.

  Huckabee: Yeah, they are, and I think rightfully so. Now I'm not a gloom and doomer. I don't think we ought to start burying food in the backyard. I'm not that pessimistic, quite frankly, and the reason being—this is a very resilient country. It also is self-correcting. And for all the talk of how "these are the end of times," how "we'll never live through this again," you know—I've been through this before in my lifetime. The oil embargo, the energy crisis, Vietnam—we've been through so many things, and yet we're still here.

  Todd: What is your greatest fear for the nation?

  Huckabee: That we would lose hope for our future and act selfishly.

  Todd: The statement was made that we are no longer a Christian nation.

  Huckabee: We are not a nation that prescribes a faith for us to follow, but to deny that we are based on Judeo-Christian principles is simply to deny history. That's why the Ten Commandments are prominently displayed at the Supreme Court. Read the speeches of George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and any of the Founding Fathers. You will see the overwhelming evidence of the influence of faith. Of the fifty-six signers of the Declaration of Independence, twenty-seven of them had Bible school or seminary degrees. There were several ministers in that group. So it's absurd when people act as if somehow we are a completely secular nation.

  Todd: It seems like many people are disenfranchised with both political parties. What needs to happen in Washington, DC?

  Huckabee: We need a total turnover in Congress. We should institute term limits and keep fresh water in the pool.

  Todd: There seems to be a lot of hate on both sides of the political aisle. Is it possible for all of us to play nice in the sandbox? Should we?

  Huckabee: Of course. It's a matter of enough people without a hidden agenda taking office and acting like adults. That's not likely with the current membership because the wounds are too deep. Pull the handle and flush the toilet!

  Todd: So what's a Christian supposed to do?

  Huckabee: Christians should stand up for their rights—freedom of speech and freedom of worship. The more we cower in the corner and allow ourselves to be intimidated by the threats of lawsuits, the more freedoms we lose. It's very important that we show up in force and win the fight rather than fail to show up and lose.

  3

  The Great Barbecue Bailout of 2010

  WASHINGTON—The president asserted unprecedented government control over the nation's barbecue industry today by authorizing a billion-dollar bailout of pit masters hit hard by an outbreak of swine flu and rising labor costs.

  "It's appropriate for the federal government to assume control over the nation's barbecue joints," said Earl Butts, the president's recently appointed Pork Czar. "Who knows more about pork than Congress?"

  "Right now our nation's barbecue restaurants are not moving in the right direction fast enough to succeed," said Butts, who warned that the country was on the verge of a pork apocalypse.

  "The president has said it before, and I will repeat," he said. "We can't allow pulled pork simply to vanish. We've got to make sure it is there for the pit masters and hog farmers and cardiologists who rely on the industry to stay in business."

  Earlier this year the Centers for Disease Control launched a massive campaign to reassure Americans in the wake of the flu outbreak by increasing production of a special swine flu vaccine.

  "Americans who took two spoonfuls of barbecue sauce and a side of slaw were able to stave off the symptoms," Butts said.

  The Secretary of Health and Human Services held a national press conference to inform the country it was still OK to pull pork. She went so far as to demonstrate how to wipe the sauce from one's mouth—not with your hands but on your shirtsleeve.

  However, the damage was already done, leading to the government takeover. It's only the latest in a string of industries to be federalized. Since the early days of the administration, the government has engineered takeovers of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, the insurance giant American International Group, and General Motors.

  "We cannot afford to see this industry collapse," Butts said. "There is a real concern that could happen."

  But some restaurant owners objected to the plan, suggesting pork unions were to blame for the industry's woes.

  "Union wages are killing us," said Clyde Marcel, owner of the Memphis-based restaurant, Rib Ticklers. "We're forced to pay our employees on average $75 an hour. We can't pull enough pork to pay the bills."

  To cover the cost of wages and pension benefits, many barbecue restaurants have had
to pass along enormous price increases to their customers. The average cost of a rack of ribs nationwide is $150, not including wet wipes.

  "These pension plans are killing us," Marcel said. "What right do our employees have to live high on the hog? And don't even get me started on the health-care benefits. Do you know how much I'm shelling out for cholesterol coverage?"

  As a result, many American consumers have turned to cheaper alternatives, specifically South Korean barbecue.

  "It's just not right," said Marcel. "It's bad enough we've got to deal with folks in California who want to barbecue tofu. If the good Lord wanted barbecue to be made in South Korea, he wouldn't have created Memphis."

  There is growing opposition on Capitol Hill, as well.

  "It crosses a line," said one southern congressman who asked not to be identified. "It's not about saving a way of life. This is about saving the politically powerful pork unions."

  Others wonder where the line should be drawn. Should the government save Memphis barbecue or Kansas City barbecue? Wet or dry rub? Carolina mustard or Virginia vinegar?

  "This is just a waste of taxpayer money," another lawmaker said. "Pork-barrel spending at its worst, and the president's pork czar is to blame."

  Butts was the owner of his own barbecue restaurant prior to his appointment as the White House Pork Czar. He was also the subject of massive protests by animal rights groups after he said the only good animal "is a grilled animal." Regardless, Butts earned the president's affection by perfecting a recipe for barbecuing arugula and was appointed despite congressional opposition.

  He deflected criticism of the government bailout and called critics of the program "anti-meat."

  "The barbecue industry historically has been the backbone of America's restaurant base," Butts said. "And we're going to do everything in our power to make sure it stays that way."

 

‹ Prev