Love At Last

by Claudia Connor

  She was relieved when the door swung slowly open the rest of the way and two impish three-year-olds in matching pajamas climbed onto her bed.

  “What are you doing?” one of them asked. She was pretty sure it was Margo. Beyond Maci missing her r’s, Clare was learning the more-subtle differences, like Margo’s wide-eyed excited look, while Maci took a slower more studied approach.

  “I’m feeding the babies.” She pulled her legs up to make room, and they edged closer, settling in.

  “We didn’t have a mommy,” Margo said. “We had a daddy and baby bottles.”

  “That’s good. You have a good daddy.”

  With her thumb in her mouth, Maci cuddled up, slipping her other little hand into Clare’s hair.

  “You feed them like a cat,” Margo said. “Like kittens and you’re the mama cat.”

  Claire laughed. “Yes.” She laughed again when they both fell into meows.

  She caught the movement in the doorway and looked up to see Deacon. He had the oddest expression on his face. Caught, with her hands full and nowhere to go, she shivered under his watchful eyes.

  Margo crawled closer. “How did you put milk in there?”

  “Well… I didn’t put it in there. It just came.”

  “How?”

  Deacon stepped into the room. “Sorry. They got away from me. Come on, girls.” He motioned them to him, where he’d stopped in the doorway.

  “But we’re helping Cware.”

  “I’m sure you are, but come on and finish your doughnut. I found a show on Clare’s TV.”

  He came over and lifted them one by one off the bed, setting them on their feet then facing them toward the door.

  Margo turned on her way out. “We’ll come back and help you more after we have our doughnut. Okay?”

  “Okay,” she said, smiling after them.

  “Sorry about that. They’re curious.”

  “That’s a good thing.”

  “Most of the time. You be amazed how many inappropriate questions being around animals raises.”

  He came to the side of the bed, so close she could smell him. Freshly showered and shaven and so unapologetically male. “It’s okay. They’re precious. Really.” Little pieces of Deacon. Pieces if his heart. The most important people in the world to him.

  “They like you.”

  “I think they like that I have kittens.”

  “And that you’re a mama cat.”

  They shared a smile before his gaze slipped from her face to her breasts, somewhat covered by the boys’ faces, but there was plenty left to see. And nursing both at the same time, she had no way to cover herself.

  “They’re adorable,” she said, turning things back to his girls. “Seriously maybe the cutest kids I’ve ever seen.”

  He smiled. “Thank you. I’m biased of course.”

  “And you’re a good father. That’s obvious.”

  “It’s funny, I’ve never seen this before. Not like this. I guess I’m curious, too. Do you mind?” He gestured to the side of the bed.

  “No,” she said, holding her breath while he sat. The look in his eyes, the relaxed curve of his lips, made her think again that he’d seen it all before. Her face flamed, and she wondered if that was what he was thinking.

  He leaned in closer, and she thought for a second, he was going to kiss her. She had no idea what she would do if he did. He lifted a hand to brush gentle fingers over Parker’s downy head, and she held her breath. Big hand, long blunt fingers moving just inches from her breast.

  He’d touched her there, kissed her there. The memory brought a hot aching to her core. She didn’t take a full breath until he sat back, putting some space between them, however small.

  “Looks like they’re eating good,” he said.

  “Yeah.” He was still too close, still made her heart race.

  She’d never planned on letting him know how angry and hurt she’d been. She refused to let him know she’d sat on the beach for hours, letting the salty breeze dry her tears and wondering what was wrong with her to have made him leave without a word.

  “I’ll just finish feeding them then get dressed and bring them out.”

  His gaze met hers before he stood. She was sorry for the look in his eyes, a little sad at being dismissed, but it was just too hard to keep up that protective wall when he was sitting right beside her, gazing at their babies like his heart was so full of love it might burst.

  Her heart was full, too.

  * * *

  DEACON STOOD IN THE kitchen, while the girls sat in front of the TV. The picture of Clare nursing was burned into his brain. The soft swell of her breast and her nipples covered by his baby sons’ tiny lips. It was primitive and raw and utterly female, and the word mine echoed in his head and heart. It made him want to beat his chest, howl with pride, and carry her off to his cave. He was sure if he said as much to her, she would think he was crazy or run screaming or both.

  But they were going to have to talk about what they were doing, how they were going to handle the situation, because he wanted to be a father to his sons. He wanted his girls to know their brothers. And on top of that, under and around it, he wanted Clare.

  Every detail of those days flooded back—the hot sun, soothing breezes, and Clare in his arms. He’d thought it couldn’t get more perfect than that. But seeing her now, with their babies. Picturing her right in the next room, the children they’d made at her breast…

  What would have happened if he’d told her about the girls? If he’d been able to see her before he left? If he’d been able to call her, talk to her?

  He was still lost in thought when she came out, dressed in a soft pink sweater and jeans.

  “Thanks for the doughnuts,” she said, taking a bite of a chocolate iced. “Extra points for getting Krispy Kreme.”

  “You’re welcome. I also got this.” He slid a stack of bills across the counter.

  “What’s that?”

  “It’s money,” he said, as if that wasn’t obvious.

  “Why?”

  “Because babies are expensive. Diapers and clothes and everything.”

  “I have money. I had savings and more after selling the condo in Chicago. Adam insisted I keep the money from that.”

  “So the ex’s money is buying my sons’ diapers?” Scowling, he opened his wallet and put down more bills.

  She gave him a deadpan stare. “You’re not serious.”

  “Oh, I’m very serious.”

  “Well, you’re being ridiculous,” she said, stepping around him in the small space to the trashcan. “You have children, Deacon. I’m not taking your money.”

  “By ‘children,’ I sense you mean just the girls?” He looked at her, his eyebrows arched. “Because I actually have four children.”

  She stopped and faced him. “Yes. You do. So if you want to pay child support, okay.”

  He didn’t like where this was going. Talk of child support led to custody and visitation, and that was not how he wanted it to go. He just needed time to convince her they could be more. Time to get back to where they’d been before and then move forward.

  “I’ll be going back to work in January,” she said. “So if you want to help with daycare, that would be great.”

  “You don’t have to go back to work.” What am I saying? Can I swing two households in two cities? But if she took a job, their logistics would get even more difficult.

  “Did you go back? When the girls were babies?”

  He just barely paused before he answered. This was a slippery slope. “Yes.”

  “What did you do with the girls?”

  He huffed out a laugh. “What didn’t I do? My mom, my sister, sitters, our receptionist at work.”

  A crinkle of worry formed between her brow. “So you don’t think daycare is a good option?”

  Another slippery slope. “I’m saying you don’t have to. That you have options. Just think about it.” And maybe if she did want to stay home with t
he boys, it would buy him some time and give him leverage to convince her they could be a family. He just needed more time with her to remind her of what they’d had before. He wasn’t wrong. He knew she’d felt it, too. “And something else to think about. Thanksgiving.”

  “We just had Halloween,” she said, taking a sip of coffee.

  “I know, but I’d like you to come to Ohio.”

  She lowered her coffee. “To your house?”

  “Yes. To my house. Well, my parents’ house. And then my house.”

  She paced the short length of the kitchen. He didn’t miss the way she held Parker just a little closer, pressing her cheek to the top of his head.

  “Like for food?”

  “Yes.” He smiled. “There’s usually food. Turkey and pie.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Had you planned to go to your parents’?”

  “I’m not sure. They can’t come here, and I don’t think we’re really travel ready.”

  “Your brother mentioned he wouldn’t be here. You already said Jess was going skiing. And I’d never ask you to travel alone. Wouldn’t want you to. I’ll fly down and get you then return with you. We could drive, but with the babies, it would probably be easier to have all hands on deck.”

  She didn’t answer for several long seconds. “Just think about it. I want you there. It will be chaotic and loud and no doubt messy with way too much food that I didn’t cook.”

  She smiled. “How can I say no to that?”

  “I hope you can’t.”

  He was afraid to back her into a corner with too much talk of hardcore arrangements where the boys were concerned. Afraid to say too much. Afraid of not saying enough.

  He nudged her face up with a finger under her chin. “Clare, why do you think I was looking for you?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Are you sure you don’t know?”

  He slipped a hand around the nape of her neck and into her hair, holding her there, his lips hovering above hers long enough to read his intent.

  Questions raced through Clare’s mind along with memories and desires as his mouth came down on hers.

  Why was she so helpless around him? Just the press of his lips and her longing for him was so easily stirred. The kiss deepened, and he tasted just like she remembered. His lips were soft, persuasive. Enough to cloud all good sense and make her body go loose and hot. She didn’t want to want him, but she did.

  “Cware!” Maci shouted. “You babies are cwying again!”

  Deacon lifted his head, searching her eyes. She felt his hot breath on her face, and when he brushed his thumb over her bottom lip, she shivered.

  “Better get you babies,” he said and smiled at her, leaving her to melt into a puddle.

  Chapter 25

  “WHERE DID YOU EVEN get this?” Clare held up a glimmering knee-length vest covered in gold fringe.

  Jess smiled. “Goodwill, I think. It was for a seventies-themed mixer our sophomore year.”

  Clare tossed it to her friend, where she sat alternately sorting piles on the floor and rocking the babies in their car seats. “It looks like a hundred ugly lamp tassels.”

  “Ha.” They continued pulling out items, sorting them into yes, no, and maybe piles. “So are you going for Thanksgiving?” Jess asked.

  “I don’t know,” Clare said, going back to the closet for another armload. When Jess had mentioned the project, Clare had jumped at the chance to get out of the house. She pulled a stack of sweaters from the top shelf and walked them to the bed. “Part of me wants to.”

  “And part of you doesn’t?”

  “I guess. It’s not that I don’t want to go, I’m just not sure I should.”

  “Hmm. Are you still attracted to him?”

  “I like him. He’s a great father.”

  “That’s not what I asked. You were falling for him not so long ago.”

  “That was different. It was…spontaneous, out of character, and…and…look how it ended.”

  “Yeah. Look what you ended up with.” Jess lifted Patrick from his car seat and smacked a kiss on his cheek. “They’re so beautiful. You’re mean not to share. If I had two puppies, I’d give you one. If I met hot twins, I’d give you one.”

  Clare laughed. “No, you wouldn’t.”

  “You’re right. Puppy brothers should stay together. But really, this could all work out.”

  “Why have you changed your tune?”

  “Because he’s hot? I’m kidding. Kind of. You’ve got to admit there’s something extremely attractive about a single father. Not just that, but a man who clearly adores his little girls. Not to mention the pics you showed me of him holding the babies. He’s definitely making an effort, so… I don’t know. Maybe.”

  Clare sighed, taking Parker out of his car seat to feed him. “I don’t know if I should even be making decisions right now. I don’t even know if I’m awake half the time. The other day, I put on a dress, socks, and shoes and was walking out the door before I realized I forgot underwear. Who puts on shoes before underwear?”

  Jess laughed.

  “We have to be parents first. I can’t let it get all confused. And Deacon confuses the hell out of me. Every time he looks at me.” And the kiss in the kitchen she hadn’t shared with Jess because she felt stupid, this physical reaction she had to him that seemed out of her control. Stupid and weak and afraid. She didn’t have time for flutterings and humming.

  And then there was the other side, the friendship side. He was the first person she went to with questions, the first one she wanted to share baby milestones with. And still, the way her heartbeat sped up at the sound of his voice terrified her.

  “I can’t fall for him, Jess. I can’t,” she said softly. “We have children together. We’re linked forever. We don’t need to complicate things even more than they already are.”

  “Not sure how things could get more complicated,” Jess said, recapping the situation beginning with Clare’s nonwedding.

  God. It was even worse hearing it all played back. “I think you just made my point.”

  Jess’s face fell. “Well, damn. That was not my intent.”

  LATER THAT NIGHT, CLARE’S phone rang, signaling an incoming FaceTime call. She knew it was Deacon. They’d planned this for after the girls went to bed. Still, she looked forward to hearing his voice and seeing his face. And talking not just about the boys, but hearing about his day and the girls, too. If she’d showered and swiped on some minimal makeup, she blamed Jess.

  Of course she hadn’t planned to be nursing.

  “Hey,” she said, and adjusted the iPad she had propped against a couch pillow so she wouldn’t flash him.

  “Hey. Where’s my guys?” he asked.

  “Parker’s in his crib, and Patrick is…here.”

  “Where? Hold him up.”

  “He’s, umm…eating. Well, maybe sleeping really.” She tried to pull him off her nipple, and he let out a protest.

  “Guess not,” Deacon said with a chuckle. “That’s okay. You don’t have to interrupt his dinner. But… I could still see him, if you adjusted a little.”

  “I don’t think so.” And now she was flustered. “Sorry. I’d thought they’d be awake to visit. I keep thinking I see a schedule forming. Like a ship in the distance.”

  “How far away is it, do you think?”

  “Far. And surrounded by fog. Actually, I can barely make it out.”

  Deacon laughed. “Well, as soon as they get on a schedule, they’ll grow and change, and the schedule will be out of date before you get a chance to get used to it.”

  “Do you want me to hurt you?”

  He laughed again. “How was the girls dance recital?”

  “Good. It was more an end-of-session thing. Fairy wings and a lot of skipping. They were wired. Just tucked them in.”

  She could hear the smile in his voice and the love. She felt an ache in her own chest. “I wish I could have seen it.” Even if it was ju
st skipping.

  “Oh, we had two surgeries cancel for tomorrow.”

  “Oh, really? What happened?”

  “One owner wants to get a second opinion. Understandable since this is the dog’s fourth sock swallow. The other passed away this morning. We were set to remove a cancerous tumor.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry.”

  “Thanks. Definitely not the good part of my job. The point is, Jax said he could handle the other two then check in on them over the weekend. That means, if you don’t mind, I could come down. It’d only be for one night and I’d have to come back fairly early on Saturday, but I could be there tomorrow midmorning. If it’s okay.”

  “Of course it’s okay. You don’t have to ask. And I’d love to see the girls.”

  He hesitated. “I was thinking just me this time.”

  “Oh.”

  “My parents had already planned an overnight with the girls. They’re having my niece and nephew, too. A birthday thing for my niece. I guess I’ve given in.”

  “You didn’t want to?”

  “I don’t know. No, but I’m trying to loosen the apron strings. My parents are constantly reminding me I used to spend the night with my grandparents at that age.”

  She was listening, but she was also thinking about him being here. Spending time with him. Only him.

  “Are you okay with that? I’ll get a hotel.”

  She thought of Jess’s accusation about her being nervous to be alone with him. “No, you don’t have to do that.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yes. It’ll be good. Extra hands.” She thought of his hands, and thought they wouldn’t be changing diapers the entire time.

  * * *

  “I’VE BEEN TRYING TO do three laps around the lake,” Clare told Deacon as he pushed the stroller around a small park lake near her house. “Just walking. It’s about three miles.”

  It was nearly three, the breeze was cool, but the sun was warm. Piles of leaves cartwheeled across the paved walking path. He’d been scheduled to get in before lunch. He hadn’t actually arrived until nearly two.