The thought was painful, and they still had the rest of the school year to be together. He hoped she would heal soon. He did want to put the mark of his love on her heart and body and memory so that she would always remember him fondly.
Erin wondered what Sean was thinking so very hard. He looked almost grim. She didn’t want that, so to erase the little frown from his face, she scrambled into his lap and pressed her mouth to his, kissing him for all she was worth.
"Easy, Erin," he told her, smiling a little, "you can have all you want. You don’t have to fight for it."
"I want more. Can we please go to bed?"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. Everything is fine, I’m not bleeding, my hormones are normal and I’m on the pill. I’m totally ready for a good time. Would you like to show me one?" She rubbed up against him with a sexy little shimmy.
"Oh baby would I!"
He scooped her into his arms and carried her to his bed and proceeded to make love to her for so long that she was nearly late getting home.
***Chapter 12***
For a year that had begun so badly, the second half was much better, at least for Erin. The all state concert went really well, and even featured a small oboe solo for the first chair player. Sean went to hear her, which really warmed her heart. Warmed the rest of her too, later, when he showed her how much he had enjoyed listening to her play.
The rest of the time she studied, did homework, played her instrument at the high school and the symphony and spent every possible moment with her boyfriend. They started being seen out in public, no longer caring if people knew. Too much had gone on between them to worry if the odd person looked askance. They didn’t tell Sean’s parents though. The time just never seemed right, not when the difficult situation with their own young daughter just kept lingering on and on.
Sheridan eventually settled on a family she wanted to adopt her baby, a lovely couple in their mid thirties named Christine and William Potter, who couldn’t have children of their own. There was one final snag in the plans though.
Erin returned home quite late one Friday just before spring break. She’d had rehearsal after school, and then a date with Sean, and so naturally she was feeling quite relaxed and content, a hint of a smile lingering around her mouth. It was almost curfew, so she locked the front door and headed to the family room to let the Murphys know she had returned on time. She knocked and entered to see Mrs. Murphy sitting on the sofa with her arms around her daughter. Sheridan was weeping once again.
Erin ran right to them and embraced them both, her happy mood dissolving into concern.
"What’s wrong?" she asked.
Sheridan couldn’t speak, so Mrs. Murphy answered, her voice bleak. "We got some bad news from the attorney. In order for the adoption to be legal, both birth parents have to sign a termination of parental rights. They sent the paperwork to Jake, but…"
"He’s refusing to sign?" Erin guessed. Sheridan nodded against her mother’s shoulder. "But why? Does he want the baby?"
"No. Not at all," Ellen replied with a pained sigh, "his attorney says he won’t sign unless the charges against him are dropped. Since he’s known to be the father of the child, if he doesn’t, the adoption won’t be legal."
"Hell with him," Erin said bluntly, "There has to be some way to terminate his rights without his signature. He’s a criminal. Surely under these circumstances…"
"No." Sheridan sobbed the word rather than spoke it. "What if he’s acquitted? He could cause trouble for her and the Potters for the rest of his life. He could take her away at any time." She placed her hand to the side of her swollen belly.
"Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. It’s just terrible. What are you going to do?"
"This is so hard, damn it."
Ellen made a face at the curse, but didn’t protest. These were extreme circumstances.
"If it were me," Erin said fiercely, "I would tell him to go to hell. Take your chances. You have a strong case. You can win. He belongs in prison for what he did."
"I know, and what if he does this to someone else…" Sheridan choked, took a deep breath. "But how can I risk my daughter this way? She didn’t ask for this. She needs to have the best future. That won’t be with Jake or the threat of him. She needs to live in peace with the Potters."
"You’re not seriously considering dropping the charges? My God, Danny."
"It’s done." Ellen said grimly. "The charges were dropped this afternoon. It’s over."
"Oh no." Erin said, squeezing the other women a little tighter. It was just so unfair. Could nothing, not even one thing, ever go right for poor Sheridan?
******
Dropping the rape charges was a terrible blow, even though Jake decided to go to school in another town a few miles away, where he was not quite so notorious. Seeing him in A.P. English every day would just be too much.
As time went on, new scandals erupted, new gossip broke out, so there was less ugliness overall. But as the weeks went by, and Sheridan’s body continued to swell and change, most people just didn’t know what to do with her, and kept their distance. This meant that Sheridan relied on Erin as much as ever, to be her friend, her confidant, her support when she was away from her family. Erin rose to the occasion as best she could, and never told a soul how the sight of her friend’s growing belly made her own heart ache and filled her with such terrible jealousy.
She did go to her senior prom though. Sheridan insisted that there was no such thing as a maternity prom dress, and she was already too big to fit into anything. This bothered Erin, but there wasn’t much she could do about it, so she saved up her orchestra pay, bought a pretty dress for herself and just enjoyed showing off her gorgeous boyfriend for everyone to see.
The year ended on a high note. Along with state, there was a second music competition of the year, called Solo and Ensemble. The regional level had long since passed and in the late spring, just before the end of the school year, Erin performed her solo for the state Solo and Ensemble judges and received top ratings. A few weeks later, robed in blue polyester gowns, adorned with cords for academic honors and the National Honor Society stoles, Erin and Sheridan crossed the little stage that had been erected in the football stadium and received their diplomas. The Murphy parents and their son cheered loudly for both of them. The James parents were conspicuously absent at the graduation of their only child.
Later, after the ceremony was completed, the girls put their arms around each other and posed, cheek to cheek, smiling hugely, so Roger Murphy could take their picture.
High school was finally over and there would be a massive overnight party hosted by the school at the country club to honor the graduates. Erin deliberately lied to the Murphys (a deeply unpleasant experience), saying she would be there, but to call her cell phone if there was an emergency. Then she drove to Sean’s apartment for a private all-night celebration. Sheridan stayed home. She had not intended to go to the party anyway, and going without Erin would have been impossible. She was so big by this point, with less than a month to go, and even the thought of dancing, playing silly party games, and generally being gawked at by her treacherous classmates didn’t appeal in the slightest. She spent her evening alone in her bed, touching her belly and wishing that things were different. She had long since stopped being angry about this pregnancy, and now wanted to memorize every sensation of her daughter moving inside her body.
"Little girl," she said tenderly to her belly, "I’m not sorry you’re here." A foot pressed against her hand, and she smiled sadly. "I know you may never understand this, but I’m not giving you up because I don’t want you. You are wanted. You are loved. They told me I could help name you, and we agreed that you will be called Desirée, because there’s never been a baby more wanted than you. I wish I could keep you, I really do. It’s going to kill me to hand you to the Potters." Her voice broke. "I have to do it, you know. It’s what’s best for you. Christine will be your mommy, and William will be your daddy, and
you’ll have a wonderful life. I can’t give you that life by myself." Her voice broke again and this time a tear slid down her cheek. "There are hard things here, little Desirée, things I hope you never know, about how you came to be. They don’t matter. But I don’t want them to hurt you. I don’t want anything to hurt you. So I have to let you go. I have to because I love you."
The pressure of the tiny limb against her palm was almost like a response. And she touched that foot, and the other, and felt the life inside her, and wept long into the night.
******
Erin also spent her graduation night in bed, but not alone, of course. Sean made love to her again and again until she felt quite certain that she would never be able to get up, and in between they cuddled close. The time for heavy conversations was over. All the plans had been made, and the couple, knowing that they faced years of separation, clung frantically to the few waning moments they had left to be together. It had taken the whole school year, but Erin finally believed that Sean actually loved her, almost as much, perhaps, as she loved him. She had never expected this and savored it. The best part of the evening was actually not the sex at all, even though it had been tremendously pleasurable as always. The best part was when Sean pulled Erin close to his chest and they both went to sleep, spending the entire night together for the first time since the very beginning of their relationship. Erin was sure that if she could sleep beside this man for the rest of her life, it would be enough.
And so summer began. Erin and Sean, for their parts, clung to those flying moments, trying desperately to stop time so they wouldn’t have to part. Erin almost wished she did want to be a band teacher, so she could go to Lakes and not have to leave town. She mentioned this to Sean once, and he actually got angry with her, making her cry.
At the end of June, just after her eighteenth birthday, Sheridan went into labor and delivered a healthy baby girl. Both Ellen and Christine, the adoptive mother, supported her during the delivery. When Sheridan returned home from the hospital, she was completely devastated. This was worse than the rape. She had wanted so badly to keep her little girl, but knew it wouldn’t be possible. Now she was in a deep depression.
Erin had no idea how to help her friend. Her own grief over the loss of her pregnancy had been excruciating, but this was worse. Eventually she did what Sheridan had done for her when she was upset. She lay beside her on the bed and just held her, by the hour, while she cried and cried until she fell asleep. Ellen sat beside the bed on a chair, holding her daughter’s hand, stroking her hair. Eventually Erin dozed a little too, exhausted by her friend’s misery.
Later, when Erin woke, she found that Ellen had gone, and Sheridan was staring at the wall, finally all cried out.
"I can’t do it, Erin." Sheridan’s voice was disturbingly blank.
"Can’t do what sweetie?"
"Can’t go to college. I don’t see any way that I can handle it. I’m just devastated. How would I even begin to concentrate on classes?"
"I’ll help you. I’ll be there. Remember, we’re going to be roommates. I’ll be with you every day. You’ll get through."
"It’s too much. I won’t even ask it of you. You have so much to live for, and I feel like my life is over."
Erin felt panic creeping in. She couldn’t let Sheridan talk this way. "That’s a lie, Danny. Your life is just starting. Eventually, somehow, you’ll heal from this, and be better than ever, stronger. Don’t give up, okay? And I’ll help you. I’ll take care of you. I want to. It’s fine. We’ll be fine. Danny, listen to me. You can’t stay here. You have to get away from this town and its terrible memories and make a fresh start somewhere else."
"Is that what you’re going to do?"
"You know it’s different for me. I have to do this, so I can be whole, but I don’t intend to stay gone forever. The only person who ever loved me is here. Once I finish school, I’m coming back, to stay. But by then you’ll be better. You’ll be ready to stand on your own. And until then, you have me to help you, I swear. Be strong, Danny. You can do this. You have to."
Sheridan considered her friend’s words in silence for a long moment. Yes she was devastated but she was not alone, and in some small way, that helped. "I don’t know how I’m going to manage it, but I’ll try. And you’re wrong Erin. Sean loves you, but he’s not the only one who does. I love you. I would never have gotten through this miserable, shitty year without you."
That did it. Erin began to cry herself. It was too much. She never complained, but the prospect of what was ahead of her was scary, and she would have to do it largely alone, without Sean to hold her and lend her his strength. She had never been a strong person, and now she would have to give everything she had every day, without support. She prayed she would be up to the challenge.
Sheridan rubbed her friend’s back. She knew it was a terrible thing she was asking, and far too much for anyone to expect. That Erin was willing to do it made her love this girl even more. Could there ever have been a better friend? Someday, when Sheridan was well, she intended to find some way to express her gratitude to Erin. She would have to think about what would truly make her friend happy.
***Chapter 13***
Independence Day dawned bright and warm, a perfect day for outdoor activities, which was what the Murphys had planned. They started at noon with a cookout, grilling steaks and chicken, to be served with corn on the cob, potato salad, and cherry pie. Erin hovered around the kitchen hoping to learn some new cooking techniques. Sean had grown up eating this way, and she wanted to understand it. Her own family’s attempts at cooking rarely involved more than opening a box or can.
After lunch, the elder Murphys, Erin and Sheridan headed to the municipal park for an afternoon and evening spent celebrating the holiday. Erin brought her oboe, leaving it at the bandstand. Sean was to meet them there, as was the middle Murphy son, Jason.
The dark-haired journalism major arrived with a fancy camera hanging around his neck. He would be recording images of the festivities for the University’s newspaper.
"Good Lord, Erin," he drawled, staring at her, "you’d better cover your legs. The glare will shatter my camera lens."
Erin blushed. She knew she was pale in her shorts, but did he always have to comment?
"Shut up, Jase," Sean said, approaching the family, "Leave Erin alone."
Jason gave his brother a sharp look. Sean had never joined in teasing his sister and her friend, but he had never defended them before either. On the other hand, Sean was bulky and strong. Jason was slender. He wouldn’t stand a chance if his brother got really angry, so he turned away from Erin to his sister, planning to pester her instead. She was sitting on the blanket, looking despondent, her expression far away. Only two weeks after the delivery, her body was still distorted. She looked bloated and miserable. He decided not to make fun of her, but wandered off looking for candid shots of the crowd.
Erin sighed with relief. Jason was a hard man to know. He had always been a little mean, but since this situation with Danny, he had become much worse; angry, aggressive, and cruel. It was very strange.
But then he was gone, and the family set up folding chairs for Mr. and Mrs. Murphy before sprawling on the blanket to watch the air show. As always, it was a little painful to be so close to Sean and not be able to touch him, and Erin ached to come clean with his parents about their relationship. It was past time, and there was really no reason to keep it secret anymore. But for whatever reason, he wasn’t ready to take that step, and she deferred to his judgment.
A set of Vietnam era bombers roared over the crowd, and a pyrotechnics team on the ground set off a number of small explosions mimicking machine gun fire as the two planes zoomed past each other with delicate precision, banking sharply before turning upside down overhead and returning to skim the ground again amid another volley of pseudo explosions. The crowd applauded raucously, but was drowned out by the heavy engine noises.
Erin glanced at Ellen and Roger. Their gaze was f
ocused skyward. She changed positions, sprawling on her side nonchalantly, her head propped on one arm. The other she extended to where Sean sat near her and ran her fingers down his leg. He had been looking at her, not at the planes, and was not startled by the touch. His fingertips brushed hers gently. He also shifted, sidling back a bit, and towards her. It still didn’t look like they were trying to be close, but it did allow him to press his hand against her back, the warmth of his fingers sinking into her, soothing her nervous energy. His body blocked the view from his parents.
The bombers roared away, only to be replaced by ¼ scale remote control aircraft that zipped and hovered and skimmed inches above the ground before climbing into the sky and returning, tails down, noses up, held perfectly still. At last they landed gently and were packed away in preparation for a set of seven little jets that flew in formation, and then a solo aerobatic artist in a blue airplane. Act after act entertained the crowd while Sean sat close to his girlfriend, touching her, but not in such a way that their relationship was acknowledged.
At last, the air was empty, the smoke dissipated. Sean pulled back from Erin as his parents retrieved the picnic basket from the car, and they ate sandwiches and carrots and drank sodas. Then Erin left the group and headed over to the bandstand. The symphony orchestra would be entertaining the crowd as the sun began to set, with patriotic and military tunes. As she played, Erin recounted in her mind how the afternoon had gone. It was starting to bother her a lot that Ellen and Roger were in the dark about her relationship with Sean. It was almost as though he were ashamed of her. He never acted that way, except where his parents were concerned. While she realized she was on the young side, she was legally an adult, no longer in high school, and surely it couldn’t be so bad that she was his girlfriend. She loved him. That had to count for something, didn’t it? And he loved her. She knew he did.
When the Music Ends (The Winter Rose Chronicles) Page 8