She was so deep in thought that she missed the cut off and her oboe blared noisily a half-beat too long. The conductor gave her a dirty look and she forced her mind back to the concert. This was no time for ruminations. Concentrating intensely on the music, she managed to finish with no further errors, and then she packed up her instrument and put it away in the back seat of Sean’s Mustang. He would be driving the girls home after the fireworks because Ellen didn’t care for them, and Roger couldn’t abide the crowd.
Returning to the blanket, she bid the departing parents goodbye with hugs, and watched them wend their slow way to the parking lot. At last they were gone and Erin was scooped into a passionate embrace, Sean’s mouth coming down hard on hers for a devastating kiss. She kissed him back eagerly, twining her arms around his neck. How she adored him. She could stay cradled forever in these arms and be happy.
"Guys, stop," Sheridan said urgently. They released each other to see Jason approaching the blanket, a scowl on his face.
"What?" Sean asked his brother belligerently.
"Nothing. Hell of a show, that’s all. You know, there are kids here."
"Shut up."
Jason shook his head and moved a messy strand of dark hair out of his eyes. "I never thought you’d be the sort to rob the cradle, Sean."
"Leave them alone, Jason," Sheridan told her brother tiredly.
"Humph. Why should I? I don’t get ammunition like that every day. How cliché, bro, the little sister’s best friend. Couldn’t you do any better than that? Is she good, at least?"
"Jason, if you don’t shut your mouth right now, I swear I will shut it for you," Sean gritted out through clenched teeth, deliberately wrapping his arms around Erin and pulling her close to him. She laid her cheek on his chest.
"Jason," Sheridan said, her voice intense, "I’m not kidding. Leave them alone. With all the shit that’s been going on in this family, at least let someone be happy."
"Whatever. I’m outta here. See you around." He sauntered off.
It was almost dark by now, and the three young people stretched out on the blanket again. This time, Erin pressed close to Sean, her head pillowed on his shoulder, his arm around her holding her tight. That was better. Now she could relax.
Sean turned his head and looked at his girlfriend. She was so beautiful. He loved her so much. If only she could stay here, be with him, not go away. He would miss her every day until she returned.
What would he give to keep her from leaving? He knew if he asked her right now to marry him, she would agree. She would go away to college engaged, and plan her whole future around that fact.
The thought was so appealing that the words almost burst from his mouth, but then he stopped. This was selfish. What would happen when some amazing opportunity presented itself, and she refused it, tied as she was to him? She had such talent, such skill. What use would those things be here? She had mentioned teaching music lessons, playing in the little community symphony. It would be a criminal waste. It’s what she said she wanted, but honestly, she was too young to know what she wanted. Life would change, her circumstances would change, and it wouldn’t be fair for her to make permanent decisions when she was barely more than a child. No, her feelings today were not to be taken seriously. Someday she would want more. He knew it.
It was a stunning revelation. He had always imagined love would be different. He pictured the progress of a relationship would be simple; meeting a girl, falling in love, getting married. Yes, there would be problems to face, adjustments. But he had never, not for one instant, envisioned anything like this. After a love this sweet, how could he ever move on? He had never realized that loving someone could be so brutally painful, that it meant giving up your own happiness for the sake of that other person. He had to choose. He could keep Erin, and steal her life. Or he could let her go so she could live. The thought was so excruciating that his eyes burned, his breath caught.
Hearing the soft sound, Erin turned to look at him.
"No matter what, baby," he told her, his voice intense, "no matter what happens, always know that you are loved. I will love you forever."
She saw the conflicted, haunted expression and knew what it meant, saw the goodbye in his eyes. It hit her like a hammer blow. Desperate, she leaned forward, capturing his lips in a kiss that pleaded for some other outcome. But there was none. And as the first volley of fireworks exploded in red, white, and blue sparks, their dreams of forever slowly died.
******
Labor Day weekend was almost over. It was Saturday and tomorrow morning, the girls would be leaving to go to the University and get settled in before classes started on Tuesday. Erin sought out Mrs. Murphy. She had something very important she needed to tell her host and substitute mother. As usual, Ellen was in the kitchen, this time baking cookies.
"Hi," Erin said, pulling out a cooling rack from the cabinet and setting it up for the double chocolate monsters Ellen was just pulling out of the oven.
"Hello, Erin. Thank you."
"You’re welcome. I needed to ask you something. You know I’m leaving in the morning?"
"Of course."
"Do you and your husband plan to drive Danny, or would you like me to give her a ride?"
"No, we’ll drive her. You can certainly come with us if you would like."
"No thanks. I want to have my car with me. You don’t know how long I saved up to pay for that jalopy and I want to keep it."
"Oh, that’s fine. We’ll see you up there then."
"Sure. Listen. There’s something I have to do. You’re not going to like it, but it’s absolutely necessary."
"What’s that dear?"
"I’m not coming home tonight. I’m staying over with my boyfriend. I don’t know when I’m going to see him again, and I can’t pass up the chance to spend the night with him one last time."
"You’re right. I don’t like that. Are you sure that’s a good idea? Are you…giving up your virginity to this boy?"
"No. I did that a long time ago."
"Oh. Erin, I really wish sometimes that you were my daughter so I could have had some influence on you."
"Believe me, you have. I would have loved to have you for a mother. Your children are so lucky."
"Don’t do this, Erin."
"I’m very sorry."
Erin left.
Part II
***Chapter 14***
November 2005
"Sheridan, you know that boy in our political science class, the one with the crazy hair? I think he wants to ask you out."
"What, Eric?" Sheridan made a face. "No thanks. I’m not much interested in a boy who wears leather and chains."
"Come on, step outside your comfort zone. You never know. Maybe he’s this closet poet who will write you sonnets and make your heart melt."
Sheridan laughed. "Nice try, Erin. Sorry, but you know these boys don’t do anything for me. Too young. We both like an older man, don’t we?"
"Yeah, sure. I hope you’re not still talking about Dr. Burke though. I really don’t know what you see in that guy. He sure isn’t hot."
"Who cares? I think we’re soul mates." She sighed dreamily at the thought of her favorite professor.
"Has he ever expressed even the slightest interest in you apart from being your teacher?"
Sheridan thought for a moment. "I’m not really sure. He’s pretty subtle. Sometimes I think he likes me, but it’s just hard to tell."
"Sheridan, everyone likes you. It’s impossible not to. That doesn’t mean he’s suddenly going to propose."
"I know. But here. Let me show you something, and you tell me what you think."
Sheridan opened her backpack and pulled a messy binder out onto her dorm room bed. Inside was a sheaf of printed papers.
"What’s this?"
"Some stuff he gave me in that poetry class I’m taking. Here. Read it. Am I imagining that he likes me?"
Erin took the papers and scanned them. They were some pretty passio
nate anonymous love poems clearly written for a girl who closely resembled Sheridan.
"Sunshine woman? Glorious smile? These do sound like you. But if they were from class…that doesn’t really mean much, does it?"
"Maybe not, but he didn’t give them to the class. He only gave them to me. Everyone else was reading Robert Browning."
"What?" Erin’s dark eyes widened.
"Yeah, he said I had already read those poems last semester in Brit Lit, and he wanted to give me something harder." Sheridan could not contain a hint of a smirk.
"Danny, these aren’t hard."
"I know. But please don’t call me Danny anymore. Remember?"
"Yeah, sorry. Old habit." Erin shrugged an off-handed apology. "You may be right that he likes you. That still doesn’t mean he’s going to ask you out."
"Some day he will. I’ll make sure of it. Besides, I’m not ready yet."
"It’s been four years," Erin reminded her gently.
"I know. I’m much better. I just don’t know if I’m ready for that yet. It’s still scary." Sheridan quickly deflected the conversation away from herself. "Besides, it’s not like you’re dating either, and I know there are guys that would love to ask you out."
Actually, Erin had gone out with a boy last year, twice, a friend from the music department. On the second date, she’d even let him kiss her. While the embrace itself had not been poorly executed, it had left her so unmoved that she had immediately let him know there was no future for them and he should forget about her. It had been good advice because now he was practically engaged to a very nice girl. Erin was happy for them.
"Yeah right," she said. "It’s different for me, you know. I already met the love of my life, dated him, slept with him, everything. I wish it could have lasted, but I’m thankful to have been with him for a while. After that, no one else seems appealing. I would no sooner try to replace Sean than I would my oboe. I’m the kind of girl who only has one love in her lifetime."
"Then call him up. We’re going to graduate next semester. You’re about to launch yourself into your adult life. If you’re ready to settle down, get married, all that, why not call up your one true love and ask him to be part of it with you?"
"He doesn’t want me anymore, you know that. It’s over Sheridan. I haven’t talked to your brother in two years." There was an edge to Erin’s voice.
"I know. I wish you would. He’s not over you any more than you’re over him, you know. He doesn’t date either. I know he misses you, and would take you back in a second if you just told him you were still interested."
"If that’s the case then why did he stop calling me? It was really deliberate. I don’t want to call him only for him to tell me right out that he doesn’t love me anymore." Her tone grew harder with every word. It was clear she did not want to talk about this, but Sheridan was determined.
"That would never happen. He loves you as much as he ever did. The reason he stopped calling is that he was trying to be noble, not hold you back."
Erin made a face. "That’s stupid. He didn’t hold me back, he held me up. I would never have gotten though high school without him."
"I know. And I wish you had that kind of support now."
"I don’t need it. I’m fine," she said stubbornly
"You’re not. You need support and love as much as anyone else. You’re not a cold person, Erin."
"Can you please drop it, Sheridan? I don’t like talking about Sean. It still hurts a little how easily he got over what we had." It was clear Erin had about reached the limit, but still Sheridan pressed.
"He didn’t get over it at all. God you two are stubborn. If you would just talk to each other…"
"It’s never going to happen. The one thing I can’t stand is to look pathetic, begging him to take me back. There’s just no way."
Wisely, Sheridan changed the subject. This wasn’t over for her, but it had to be done delicately. She was so much better now that she wanted to give her friend that token of gratitude she had been thinking about since the day she had given up her daughter. The only thing Erin really wanted was Sean. Sheridan was furious over the way those two had let each other go, each thinking they were doing the other a favor. They still belonged together as much as they ever had, and Sheridan would see them back as a couple if it was the last thing she did.
"I got a new letter from Christine. Do you want to see it?"
"Sheridan, why do you torture yourself this way? You know those letters always make you cry."
"I know, but it’s helpful for me to know how well she’s doing. It reminds me that I made the right decision. It’s not like I can ever forget."
"You’re the lucky one, you know." Erin was angry with her friend or she would never have said that.
"Why?"
"Because your baby is still alive."
"Oh sweetie, does it still bother you that much?"
Erin’s voice caught a little. "What do you think? For that brief couple of months, I thought I would be able to keep a little piece of Sean with me forever, and then it was gone, and he was gone, and I’m alone. I lost the only child I’ll ever have."
She walked out of the dorm room, tears streaming down her cheeks, letting the door slam behind her.
Wow, Sheridan thought. That was dramatic. She had no idea Erin was still grieving her miscarriage, although given how much she still loved Sean, it was no surprise. She hated seeing her friend so sad, but how to help? Hmmmm. An idea, like divine inspiration, clobbered Sheridan.
She grabbed her cell phone and dialed her brother’s number.
***Chapter 15***
Two days later, the second to the last day of class before Thanksgiving break, Sheridan greeted Sean in the parking lot of the English building. She had asked him to come for a visit, claiming she had so much grading to do with her job as English Department aid that there would be no time for her to come home. This wasn’t actually a lie. And she did really miss her brother. They were very close. But of course, this was a classic Sheridan plot. She had schemed her brother and best friend together four years ago, knowing that if they just spent some time together, nature would take its course, and she was confident that if she could just get them to talk now, the same would happen. She didn’t even feel the tiniest bit guilty about manipulating them. Not when so much was at stake. Those two would never be happy apart. Besides, it was almost time for Erin to go home. She was one semester away from achieving her goals, and Sheridan was ready to stand on her own. Not that the idea of letting her friend go didn’t cause a pang, but it was unfair to rely on her when it was no longer needed.
Sean got out of his car, that same neon blue mustang he had bought years ago, and gave his sister a hug. The years had been very good to Sean. At twenty-six, he no longer looked so young. There was a new hardness to his face, the bones standing out more clearly. His skin was faintly weathered from so many hours in the sun, and there was just the slightest indication of what would eventually become lines around his eyes. It suited him. He looked like a man in his prime, the kind of man that made girls weak kneed and fluttery. He was an absolute titan of masculine beauty, and she was about to unleash him, full force, on her susceptible friend. She hoped Erin would be completely overwhelmed.
"Hey, baby sister. How are you doing? You look happy."
"Oh I am. I’m so much better. You can’t even imagine it. Life went on after all. Who knew?"
"I’m glad. I was worried about you for quite a while. It’s good to know you’re thriving."
"It’s the environment here. I just love it. I wish I could stay in college forever," she replied fervently.
"I never felt that way. I just wanted to hurry up and finish my degree so I could go build stuff."
"Well, we’re not exactly the same, are we? Hey, Sean, would you walk with me a bit? I have some stuff to do in the English department before I can take you out to dinner."
"Sure, no problem. Man, I used to hate this building. Reading Shakespeare reall
y didn’t do anything for me."
"Ha," Sheridan said, "everyone likes Shakespeare. It’s full of sex."
"Come on, sis. Don’t talk like that. I want to imagine you’re still innocent."
"I’m no less innocent than I was the day I arrived here, for your information."
"Well that’s good to know. I pictured you cutting a swath through the male population, you and your roommate."
Since he had brought up the subject, it was time to plunge in.
"Come on, silly, you should know better than that," she told him as she escorted him through the door and down the hallway to the teaching assistants’ office. She could hardly stand being in there, it was so close to Dr. Burke’s office. Sometimes Sheridan swore she could feel his presence through the walls. "Erin and I have been studying, and not men either by the way. She’s no more moved on than you have. She has not been on a single date since you took her out on Christmas break of our freshman year."
Sean remembered that night. After months of separation, his ‘date’ with Erin had been spent entirely in bed. He had not seen her since. When he realized how much she was still clinging to him, and he to her, he had purposely begun limiting contact. She deserved better than to be the wife of a small-town builder, and he intended to see that she not waste her opportunities.
It had hurt like hell. Now, years later, the ache was still raw. He missed Erin every day, but he refused to be the cause of her missing out on life. Shaking his head, Sean forced his thoughts back to the conversation.
"I don’t want to talk about Erin."
"Come on, Sean. There’s so much unsaid between you. At least you should talk to her. Explain why you cut her off. You broke her heart, you know."
"Danny, you know why I had to let her go. She would be wasted back home."
"No, she wouldn’t." Sheridan looked at her brother stubbornly. "She would be wasted out there, in the world, alone. That’s how she’s going to live, Sean. Alone. No one to love her. Is that really what you want for her?"
When the Music Ends (The Winter Rose Chronicles) Page 9