by Ruby Dixon
“I ate,” I lie. I’m low on my rations that Bek has already “tasted” for me and I’m saving them. I can skip a few meals.
“You’re getting too skinny,” Erevair says. “Bek won’t like that.” He pulls out a pouch of cakes, takes a bite of one like he’s seen Bek do, and then offers it to me.
I can’t help but smile. Even though he’s a child, he’s taken on quite a few of Bek’s mannerisms, and he must have noticed that I only eat after Bek’s tasted something. I eat the cake while he stirs my fire again, and then grabs a set of fur wraps, handing them to me when I finish my food. “We’ve got lots to do today. Kae’s mama wants us to get her some eggs, and my mama wants more nests. And then she said I have to wash my hands.”
Wise mama. The dirtbeaks make their nests from dvisti poop, so I don’t blame Claire for demanding a hand-washing. I get to my feet and put on my wraps, and then offer the children my hand. “Let’s go.”
Erevair takes Kae’s little hand in his and links his tail with hers, then puts his hand in mine so we form a chain. We do this every morning, though it’s not always Kae that’s with us. Sometimes it’s Rukhar, or Liz or Georgie’s girls. But I think Kae is his favorite. She’s very quiet, which gives him a lot of room to talk. Joden, Josie’s oldest, came with us once and Erevair spent the entire time trying to talk over him. It was exhausting.
As we emerge from my hut, I see Kira sitting in front of hers, chatting with Claire. They have their sewing out and wave as they see us. For some reason the children love gathering dirtbeak nests, so I always have company with this particular chore. My gathering basket leans against the wall of the hut and I shake the snow off of it, then tuck it under my free arm. “Egg basket?” I ask in a low voice, and Kae detangles herself from Erevair and trots over to her mother.
We wait, and as we do, Erevair squeezes my hand. “I’m glad you smell nice, Elly. It’s much better than when you were stinky.”
I’m not sure if he’s chiding me, but either way it’s kind of funny. Truth is, when my anxiety gets the better of me, it’s easy to fall back into my old habits. No speaking, no socializing, and forming a fine crust of dirt over my skin so no one will notice me. But then I think of Bek, and how I don’t want to be filthy when he comes home. I want him to be excited to see me. I want him to kiss me all over and touch me. I’m far more touchable clean.
Kae skips back with her basket in her hand. “Mama said extra eggs please.”
I look up at the two women, and Kira waves at me with a smile, acknowledging us. She doesn’t get up, though, and I don’t head over. I get along better with the children, and everyone gives me enough space that I don’t feel cornered. “More eggs?” I ask.
Kae nods as if that answers everything.
“It’s for No-Poison Day,” Erevair announces, twining his tail with Kae’s again as she slips her little hand in his once more. “We’re going to decorate eggs and make wishes.”
Oh. I remember someone saying something about a bastardized Christmas holiday, but I haven’t paid much attention. Holidays are a very distant memory. I spent so long in cages and zoos that a lot of my Earth dreams are just very, very distant memories. It didn’t occur to me to celebrate, not with Bek gone. “I see.”
We head down the path in the canyon toward the dirtbeak cliffs, and as we do, Erevair chatters on and on about the holiday. “No-Poison Day is going to be the day after tomorrow. That’s what Mama says. Is that a long time, Elly?”
I shake my head, content to let him ramble.
“Mama says if I am good that I can have a special present the night before and then another on the morning of. She said it won’t be plants, though, because the No-Poison plants are saved for girls so their mates can kiss them. My papa’s not here for Mama to kiss though, so I hope she doesn’t have to kiss me.” His face screws up.
“She won’t,” I tell him with a squeeze of his hand.
“We have garlands and pretty things hanging in our hut, though. And Mama said that Miss Stacy is going to cook special treats for everyone for the holiday. And we’re going to play games like football, but we have to be careful not to play too hard, because Drenol is really old and Mama is afraid we’ll hurt him.” When I don’t add more to this than a hand-squeeze to let him know that I’m listening, he turns to Kae. “I asked Mama if I could have a tunic just like Papa’s favorite. Or a fishing net, but she says I’m too little for a fishing net and I’ll just pull myself right under. What did you ask for, Kae?”
“For Papa to come home,” Kae chirps. “That’s the only thing I want.”
I feel a dull ache in my heart. Oh, I want that, too. I want the hunters to come home and I want to see my strong, proud Bek stalk into the village, his gaze roaming over faces as he looks for me.
That’s what I want, too—for my love, my mate, my everything, to return home to my arms.
Erevair makes an unhappy noise. “I don’t think you’ll get that, Kae. Mama says the brutal season will be here any day now and that means Papa and the others might not be back until the worst of the snows are over. That could be turns and turns and tuuuurns of the moons. We might not see them until it’s time for the bitter season again.” He says all this with matter-of-fact authority, but each word is like a dagger in my heart.
It’s already been weeks and weeks. The thought of being without Bek for months on end feels like torture. I want to cry. I want to turn around and crawl back into my bed and sleep until he gets back here. I’m so sad and lonely without him. It’s breaking me.
“Elly?” Erevair shakes my hand again, making sure that I’m listening. He repeats his question. “What do you think of that?”
I think it’s awful, but all I do is shrug. I can’t speak. There’s a huge knot in my throat.
“You should ask for something else, Kae,” Erevair tells her. “Just in case it doesn’t happen.”
She thinks for a moment. “A new basket.”
“That’s a good answer,” he says cheerily.
I wish I could be so easily distracted. I feel as if all of the air has been sucked out of the canyon. Bek not back for months. I thought…I thought with him as my mate, I’d never be alone again. Now it seems I’m alone just as much as I ever was, and it hurts more than I ever thought it would.
By the time we’ve filled our baskets, Erevair has told me and Kae in great detail about No-Poison Day and what he wants to get and what Bek gave him last year and how bad the snows are supposed to be very soon and it’s like my spirit has been completely and utterly squashed by his childish chatter. I’m more than ready to go back to my hut and have myself a nice, long cry.
Kae walks carefully with the basket of eggs clutched to her chest, as if she’s carrying valuable treasure, and so we head back slowly, so as not to jog her finds. Erevair doesn’t mind this because it allows him to talk even more about his favorite subject—the upcoming holiday. It’s like the quieter Kae is, the more Erevair has to fill the quiet space, and by the time we get back to the village, I’m relieved to see Claire greet us, her baby Relvi on her hip. “All done, sweetie?” She smiles at me. “I need you to come back and help Mama with her fire,” Claire tells him, putting her hand out. “Get your share of the dirtbeak nests and we’ll go wash your hands.”
I set down my basket so he can fill his little backpack, which he does with great abandon. Claire wrinkles her nose at his enthusiasm, and chuckles when he prances ahead. “He’s so excited about the holiday. I hope he didn’t talk too much.”
“Not too much,” I lie.
“I told him if he was good and helpful, he’d get a special present.” She grimaces. “Of course, now I have to think of something, but I’m sure it’ll come to me. Are you okay? Erevair said you miss Bek a lot and I know it’s hard when the guys are gone for a long time.” Her kind gaze searches my face even as her baby grabs a fistful of her hair and raises it to her drooling mouth. “I’d say it gets easier over time, but I’m not sure it does. I think we just get more use
d to the silence and an empty hut. And of course, there are the kits. When they come, it certainly isn’t lonely. Tiring, yes. Quiet and lonely, no.” She pulls her hair from Relvi’s little fist and glances back where Erevair is skipping toward her hut. “Anyhow, I’m chattering on. I just wanted to say that I understand, and if you’d like to come to dinner, you’re more than welcome. I love the company as much as Erevair does. He considers you family since you’re Bek’s, and of course I do too.”
I’m not surprised at the generous offer. Claire’s very sweet. This isn’t the first time she’s tried to get me to come over for dinner. I’m sure she senses my loneliness although I think some of it is just her generous heart. But I’m not entirely sure I’m ready to be social. It’s hard enough just to answer people when they ask me a question. I’m sure I’ll get there.
Just…not yet. And not without Bek.
So I shrug and give Claire a half smile, promising nothing. Kae takes that as a sign that the conversation is over and grabs my hand, dragging me forward to her mother’s hut. I let myself be tugged along, even though I’m not entirely comfortable with being touched. I love it when it’s Bek, and I tolerate it when it’s the kids, because they don’t know any better, and they’d just get hurt feelings if I freaked out. Besides, the kids always have sticky, sweaty, innocent hands. They’re warm and soft and nothing like the hands that grabbed me when I was a slave. Even so, I have to force myself to focus on other things, because if I think about being touched for too long, it’s going to send my brain to weird places. I focus on the sprawl of the village instead.
The morning’s in full swing and that means everyone’s out and about. I see Hemalo spreading his skins out in front of his tanning hut near the edge of the village. His mate Asha talks with him as he works, her toddler latched on to her breast and nursing. In the middle of the village, a few of the elders skin frozen carcasses, likely working on the trail rations that are a staple food around here. In the distance, I can see Ariana and Gail over at the longhouse, talking with a few of the children clustered around them. I’m guessing more of the women are going to be gathering by the central fire, as they usually do to talk, share mending, and eat Stacy’s food.
I don’t join them often. Gail tries to drag me to chat with the others, but it’s too many people at once, and no comforting Bek to hide behind and cling to. I prefer to hide in my hut.
Kae gives my hand another little squeeze, directing me toward her mother’s hut, and I’m unsurprised to see Kira’s still out there, waiting for us. She’s sitting on a little stool outside her front door instead of near the fire, her leatherwork still in her lap. She looks up at the sight of us, and her smile grows wide at the sight of little Kae with her basket. “Find a lot, did you, baby?”
Kae nods shyly and releases my hand, bringing her basket to her mother.
“Ooo, you did wonderful, honey.” The normally solemn Kira gushes over the eggs as if she’s never seen one before. “Look at what a great job you did.” She kisses her daughter’s silky brown hair. “Leave this with me and go catch up with the others. Miss Ariana’s talking about math today. Isn’t that exciting?”
“Yes!” Kae cries happily and hands the basket over, then races off towards the others at the far end of the village.
Kira watches her go, a smile on her face, and when Kae’s out of earshot, she turns to me. “Someday she’s going to learn that math isn’t all that exciting. Until then, I love that she’s so eager to learn.” She gives me a faint smile. “Thank you for taking them today.”
I nod and hold tight to the straps of my pack, wondering if it’s rude to turn and just walk away. Probably. I stay, feeling awkward, because I’m not sure what else to do.
Kira pulls at her thick bone needle, dragging it through the hard leather. “Sometimes I think she’s just like me, but then she’ll say or do something that’s pure Aehako, and it makes my heart so glad to see it. I’d rather her be like him than me. He’s so full of joy and laughter.” She sighs and a melancholy look crosses her face.
I recognize that look. That’s the look of a woman that misses her mate. All at once, I feel like I’ve connected to Kira. I pull up the empty stool next to hers and sit down, dropping my loaded backpack behind me. It’s like the dam’s opening, because I can’t not talk about how much I miss Bek. “He’s been gone a while. Bek, I mean. Aehako, too.”
Her nod is one of sympathetic understanding. “Not going to lie, I’m worried. I keep telling myself everything is fine, but then I wonder about the twenty in the pods and if they opened them after all or changed their minds. I wonder if those newcomers are coming here, or if they’re all dead, or a million other scenarios that run through my mind.” She sighs heavily. “I tell myself it’s all fine and he’ll be home soon enough, but sometimes the negative thoughts crawl in my head and don’t go away.” Kira stabs at the leather in her hands and gives her head a little shake. “Normally when I get all ‘Debbie Downer,’ Aehako’s right there to pull me back out of it again, but he’s not here. You know how it goes. They have to go out to hunt regularly, so I tell myself this is just like one of those times. Some days it helps.”
“How do you stand it?” I whisper, hugging my arms against my furs. “I wish Bek never had to leave.”
“Oh, I wish for things like that, too,” Kira tells me in a soft voice. She tugs her thick needle and the leather “thread” through her project. “But I tell myself that I’m a realist. Our tribe is a hunter-gatherer one. He has to go hunt, not just to feed us, but to feed everyone. And he enjoys it. I also think that him leaving for a time and coming back allows us to miss each other. It gives him time to hunt and work with the hunters, and I get to spend some quality time with the other girls and the kits. It works out well, and it’s good to have a bit of space.” She pushes her needle into the tough leather again. “I just wish it would be less space right about now. I want him home.”
I know the feeling. I think of Bek’s face, his big body, and the way he holds me close, and I feel so lonely for him I could scream and cry all at once. “I don’t have anyone but him,” I say, and then feel like an idiot for confessing that. I have Gail. I have the other women in the village. Everyone’s so nice to me…but it’s not the same as Bek. Nothing is.
Kira gives me a sympathetic smile. “I know. It was really hard for me when I was newly pregnant with Kae. Aehako and I were mated, but things were still new. Every day that he was gone felt like the longest day of my life. I hate to sound all ‘Mommy’ on you, but it gets easier and harder once your kit arrives. You have a new, wonderful little person to occupy your time…and you hate that your mate has to leave all the more. But it’s a good distraction at least.” She glances down toward the longhouse. “Kae’s been asking about her daddy a lot lately, and I don’t have any answers. I’m glad the big holiday is coming up so she can focus on that and not on how long he’s been gone. Right now I’m trying to focus on making No-Poison Day as good as I can possibly make it. There’s going to be food and presents and games and Christmas carols and a story about a fat alien named Santa and his sleigh pulled by eight shiny dvisti.” Her smile is wry. “We’re going to get a tree tomorrow. Drenol and Kashrem are going with a few of the girls and their kits to help with the cutting. You’re more than welcome to come along and pick out one of your own.”
Maybe I will. It’s been ten years since I had a Christmas tree or celebrated any sort of holiday. The idea’s oddly appealing even if it hurts to think that I’m going to spend it without Bek. Maybe I’ll just prepare our hut for the holiday like he’s going to be there anyhow and not take any of the decorations down until he gets home. I kind of like that idea.
I clasp my hands tightly in my lap and glance at the leather as she gives it another vicious stab. “Is that a present for Kae?”
“Aehako, actually.” She holds the leather up and I can see a big piece cut in the shape of a peanut. “New boots. He’s rough on his and I’m making these with red laces becaus
e I think they look nice against the paler leather. I’m going to do a second layer inside with fur lining to keep his feet warm.” Kira smooths her hand down the piece. “All the stabbing helps me take out my frustration, and when he gets home, he’ll have a nice present. Win-win.”
I like that idea. Even though I feel a little exposed and open right now for chatting so much with Kira, I love the thought of making Bek a gift with my hands. “Can…can you show me how?”
Kira looks surprised at my request. Of course she is. I’m the one that would rather hide in my hut than hang out with the village women. But there’s something soothing about Kira’s quiet, practical personality—and the fact that she feels the same way I do about our missing mates. Sitting with her’s not so bad. I tried to be friendly with Maylak, since she’s Bek’s sister, but she watches me far too closely, and her mate is always nearby, and they have kits, and it’s just too many people all at once. But here with Kira, it’s not so bad.
“I can show you,” Kira says after a momentary pause. “I have some extra leather. Do you have one of his old boots so we know what to cut to?”
Chagrined, I realize I don’t, and shake my head.
She gives me a half smile. “It’s all right. We can make yours large and add a place to lace it up. I’ve learned that it’s a lot easier to cut down a piece of clothing that’s too big than to add to one that’s too small. We’ll make them big and start from there. Come on.”
3
RAAHOSH
I can handle a great deal of pain, or bitter cold, or a long journey away from home…but I cannot handle my fierce mate’s pain at being told that others will be returning home and we will not. She bellowed her frustration to me at not being allowed to return home to our kits just yet. Then, her rage turned to bitter tears and she clung to me as she wept. It is the pregnancy hawr-moans, she tells me. They make her emotional.