Casting Down Imaginations

by LaShanda Michelle

  “How much?”

  “You can’t afford me,” I laughed.

  “Oh yeah? Well you know I’m about to go to graduate school. I’m ‘bout to make some serious paper, girl.”

  “Yeah, well… Call me in a few years, and I’ll see what I can do.”

  “Ooohhh,” he howled. “You bad, girl. You got me again.”

  I laughed at him. Maybe getting to know him wasn’t going to be that bad. He hadn’t disrespected me as of yet.

  “I do what I do,” I said.

  “That’s cold. That’s so cold. You breakin’ my heart.”

  “You’ll be alright.”

  I glanced away from the TV and found him smiling at me. It was a different kind of smile, though. It wasn’t a simple smile or a fake smile. It was just a genuine smile, like he thought I was funny. Like he really didn’t want anything from me. And I liked it.

  **********

  “I was the last leg at the state relays…” Ayden told me. “And I dropped the baton.”

  I gasped, horrified at his sports story. “You dropped the baton!” I exclaimed.

  He hung his head down in shame. “Yes, yes,” he pretended to cry. “I know. I shamed my team… My school… And my country… I don’t deserve to live.”

  I picked up one of the pillows from the couch and threw it at him.

  “Shame on you,” I laughed. “How could you do such a horrible thing?”

  “Please don’t make me feel any worse about it,” he said. “That was like four years ago, and my old friends from high school still won’t let me live it down. They’ll probably play a tape of it at my high school reunion.”

  “You deserve it,” I fussed. “That was so horrible.”

  He shrugged. “Hey, it wasn’t like I did it on purpose. Stuff happens.”

  “Yeah, and it happened that day. I know you must have felt so bad.”

  “I felt horrible. But I still got offered a scholarship.”

  “Why didn’t you take it?”

  “I loved to run, but I knew that to be a college athlete you had to have passion along with that talent. I just didn’t love it that much.”

  I nodded. “Well, at least you were true to yourself,” I told him. “At least you didn’t let anyone else make you do what you didn’t wanna do.”

  “Yeah, I guess. And please believe that people were trying to shove that scholarship down my throat.”

  I understood the pressure. It was the reason I was in Daytown now. If I would have been strong enough to tell Deacon that I didn’t want to go to school, I probably wouldn’t be in the situation that I was in now.

  Ayden smiled at me again, just as he had the entire five hours that we’d been talking. It was way past the time for me to go home, but I found myself really enjoying his company. So far I’d learned that he was an only child like me, we both had the same professor for sociology, and we both liked strawberry ice cream.

  “You got a boyfriend, Kim?” he asked out of nowhere.

  “Why?” I asked, suddenly uneasy.

  “I ain’t trying to make you nervous or nothing. I’m just saying. It’s after midnight and you up in my house. I got the right to know if I’m disrespecting another man or not.”

  “No, I don’t have a boyfriend,” I sassed. “But since you asked, you got a girlfriend?”

  “Why you wanna know?” he teased. “You like me or something?”

  “Please. Ain’t nobody even on you like that. I just asked ‘cause you asked.”

  “Yeah, yeah. But no, I don’t have a girlfriend. Haven’t had one for quite some time.”

  “Oh yeah? Why, you can’t commit?”

  “No, that’s not it. I always commit to the women in my life. I don’t see the point of not committing.”

  “Oh.” His answer surprised me. I wasn’t ready for him to be so genuine.

  “What about you? Why you don’t have a man?”

  I twisted my face at him. “Why you gotta ask like that?”

  “I’m just tryin’ to see what the deal is. You obviously got a trust issue, that’s why it took forever for me to learn your name. I just wanna know why. You cute, so I know that looks ain’t it. You ain’t a dumb chick. You obviously know how to get yours, you staying in apartments like these. So what’s the deal wit’ you, Kim? What’s your story?”

  I sighed. “I don’t feel like getting into all that right now.”

  His face saddened. “There we go again with that trust issue. You been here all night, and I haven’t made not one pass at you because I respect you. But it’s cool. You ain’t got to trust me. Just remember that I ain’t the guy who did you wrong. Whoever that clown was, that was his mistake. But please don’t make me pay for it, because all I’m tryin’ to do is get to know you.”

  I leaned my head back against the couch, feeling guilty. I didn’t want to talk about Reese or David. If I did, I knew I was going to cry, and I didn’t want to be that vulnerable. It took forever for me to get over David, and I still wasn’t over Reese or the baby that I killed for him. But there was a warmth about Ayden that made me want to share with him. I felt safe with him. I felt like I could trust him, and it made me nervous, because that was something I never wanted to give another guy again.

  “His name was Reese,” I confessed, looking down at my lap.

  “Okay. Now we getting somewhere,” Ayden said. “So what’s up with this guy? What did he do? Did he steal from you? Did he cheat on you?”

  I bit my lip as the waterworks came. “Yeah… Yeah, he did, actually.”

  “Awh, come on, now. You a strong woman, I can tell. You can get over that.”

  I kept my head down as the tears rolled onto my nose and fell into my lap.

  “What else did he do, because that can’t be it?”

  I didn’t want to say it, because if I did that would be like admitting that it was actually true. But I felt like I needed to. All of my feelings had been bottled up inside for months now, and I hadn’t even cried for my own child since the day she died.

  “He got me pregnant and made me have an abortion,” I said.

  It became deathly quiet in the room. For the first time Ayden realized that I was crying. He moved closer to me.

  “Kim, you okay?”

  I jumped up from the couch and gathered my things. “You know what? I can’t do this.”

  “No, Kim, wait. Talk to me.”

  I laughed at myself for being so stupid and letting my guard down. When was I going to learn not to trust men?

  “I don’t even know you like that,” I told him.

  “Wait. Where are you going?”

  “Forget I said anything, okay? It’s late, and I shouldn’t even be over here, and I was just—”

  “I know you’re not leaving.”

  “Just forget what I said. I didn’t say that, what you thought I said. I didn’t say it. I was just talking, and I was blabbing, and it just came out, and what I said didn’t make any sense and it doesn’t matter, so just forget what I said and forget that you ever even met me. I didn’t—”

  “Kim,” he called out, grabbing me. “Stop it, it’s okay.”

  “No, it’s not.”

  “Yes, it is,” he consoled, and pulled me close to him.

  “Let me go,” I demanded and jerked away. “It’s nothing, really. I was just—”

  “Don’t run out like this,” he begged me, and wrapped his arms around me.

  “Ayden, let me go! You don’t know me! Don’t you dare judge me!”

  “Nobody’s judging you.”

  “You don’t know me!”

  “That doesn’t mean that I don’t care,” he said, and pulled me into him.

  “I killed my baby!” I confessed and sobbed into him chest. “I did. I killed my baby. I didn’t want to, but I was scared and I didn’t know what to do,” I cried. “I killed my baby.”

  “Ssshhh,” he soothed me. “It’s okay.”

  “I killed my baby. He told me to do it,”
I continued. “The bastard didn’t even care.”

  “Ssshhh,” he quieted me. He took my bag out of my hand and put it on the floor, then led me over to the couch. “Just let go, Kim,” he told me after we were seated. “Just cry and let it all out.”

  I wanted to, but I couldn’t. Instead I did the only thing I knew to do. I reached up and kissed him, full in the mouth.

  He kissed me back, but then pulled away, taken aback by my sudden change of pace.

  “Whoa,” he stopped me. “Kim, what are you doing?”

  I didn’t have a clue what I was doing, so to avoid the scrutiny I kissed him again, harder this time to keep him from stopping me.

  But it didn’t work. He pulled away again. “Kim, what are you—”

  “Sssshhh,” I said, and placed my finger over his lips. “I want to.” I kissed him again, then unbuttoned his shirt.

  “Wait, wait,” he stopped me. “Kim, what is all this? What are you doing?”

  Why was he stopping me? We both knew this was what he wanted, and he was going to try to get it from me sooner or later. We may as well get it on now while I was ready and willing.

  “I’m trying to do you, if you will let me,” I snapped, and kissed him again.

  He stopped me. “Yeah, I know what you’re doing. I just don’t know why. I mean, I thought we were just kickin’ it, you know. I didn’t even know you liked me like that.”

  I didn’t. But it didn’t matter, so I kissed him again.

  He pulled away. “Stop. This ain’t you, Kim.”

  I sat up, seeing that things weren’t going to go my way. “What’s the problem? Don’t you want me?”

  “No. I mean, yeah I want you,” he stammered. “I do. But not like this.”

  “Why not?’ I asked, irritated.

  “Because… Kim, you’re a nice girl. I wanna take you places and get to know you first. I wanna be sweet to you and romance you, then fall in love with you, and then have sex with you.”

  “And I’m telling you, you don’t have to go through all that. I’m giving you what you want without all that. I thought you’d be happy.”

  He shook his head. I stood up and began to undress in front of him as he watched. I was down to my bra and underwear before he stopped me again.

  “Wait, Kim,” he said. “What’s up with you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Why you actin’ like this? This ain’t you. You a good girl. Why you tryin’ to be so tough?”

  I swallowed, not wanting to accept his truth. “Who says I’m trying? This is the real me, Ayden.”

  He shook his head. “No it’s not. You better than this.”

  I shook my head. “This is me, Ayden,” I said, and removed my top. “Take me.”

  He hesitated. “You sure?” he asked, only looking at my face.

  I removed the rest of my clothing and kissed him again.

  “Alright,” he said. “If this is what you really want.”

  He picked me up in his arms and laid me on the floor, then stood up and walked into the bathroom.

  “What are you doing?” I asked, feeling foolish lying naked on the carpet.

  “Relax,” he said. “I’m just getting a condom.”

  “Oh.”

  He came back a few moments later and got a blanket from the hall closet, then spread it out and told me to lay on it. After I was comfortable, he turned the lights off and found his way back over to me.

  “This is what you want, right Kim?”

  I wrapped my legs around him as he got on top of me. “My name’s not Kim,” I told him. “It’s Anaya.”

  Before he had the chance to protest I kissed him as hard as I could. And then we had sex.

  forty

  Anaya

  I walked out of my apartment to go check my mailbox. On the way I saw Ayden, who greeted me with a smile.

  “So I guess your name really is Anaya,” he said.

  I gave him a puzzled look. “Why you say it like that?”

  “After the other night I wasn’t sure what your name was,” he said.

  I smiled at him. “So what makes you so sure now?”

  “’Cause the post man jacked up the mail,” he said, waving a few envelopes in his hand. “I got some of your stuff by mistake.”

  I took the mail from him and retrieved the rest from my box. “Thank you.”

  “Whoa,” he stopped me before I walked away. “That’s all you got to say to me?”

  I frowned, not sure what it was exactly that he wanted me to say.

  “Thank you very much?”

  He chuckled and shook his head at me. “You a handful, you know that girl?”

  “I guess I’ll take that as a compliment,” I said, and started on my way again.

  He followed me. “So you just gon’ act like nothing happened between us the other night?”

  I kept walking to my apartment. “Nothing happened. We had sex. I got mine, you got yours, and both of us are better for it. End of discussion.”

  His face fell. “Is it like that?”

  I felt bad, but I had to be real with him for my own peace of mind.

  He shook his head again. “Whatever,” he grunted, and walked away angrily.

  “What?” I asked after him.

  “I don’t get you,” he snapped, turning towards me again. “Why you act like that?”

  “I’m not acting, Ayden. That’s what you refuse to believe. This is who I am.”

  “No, it’s not,” he said. “This ain’t you. The real you is nice, somewhere on the inside. It’s like you trying to use me because you think I’m trying to use you, and you wanna get me before I get you.”

  “Look, I’m not in the mood for no back yard psychology,” I warned.

  “Fine,” he said. “Fine. Go on and do you, Kim, or Anaya, or whatever the hell your name is. I’m done. But the next time you get played, know you made it that way, ‘cause I’m a real man, and I ain’t never try to disrespect you.”

  He turned around and walked into his apartment. I went in after him, and after a lengthy argument we made up and had sex again.

  **********

  I walked into the bank and went to the first available teller.

  “I’d like to make a deposit,” I told him.

  “You look familiar,” he told me as he entered my account information after I gave it to him. “You come in here a lot?”

  “Nope. My first time in a while.”

  He nodded. “Okay. How much are we depositing?”

  I took the two envelopes stuffed with cash out of my purse and put them on top of the counter. “$5,793.82.” It’s was two weeks worth of work from the club, minus the money I spent to replace the bedroom set that was repossessed earlier.

  The teller’s eyebrows went up. “That’s quite a deposit.”

  “Really? I’d think you’d see way more money than this working here all day.”

  “Well yeah, I do. But just not cash like this, especially from someone so young.”

  I smiled, trying to be polite. “I’d like to make my deposit, please,” I said, letting him know ever so subtlety that I wanted to get down to business.

  He nodded respectfully and began to count the cash while I filled out the deposit slip.

  “You shorted yourself,” he told me. “You have $5,813.82. You were off by twenty dollars.”

  “Ooopps. Them twenties must have stuck together.”

  “It happens,” he said, and flashed me a smile.

  Just when I was about to think he was cute, he kept talking.

  “I know who you are,” he said and the smile on his face turned into a sneer. “You’re that girl, Karma.”

  I flinched. His eyes narrowed, then went down to my chest. He was looking right through my clothes and picturing me naked.

  “Hell yeah,” he said. “I recognize those boobs.”

  My mouth dropped open at the nerve of him. “Will you just make the deposit, please?” I asked him hurriedly, and
crossed my arms over my chest.

  He nodded and started to snicker. “Don’t hide, ‘em baby. I don’ seen ‘em already, and my boy got pics of ‘em. I think he put them on his website, too. The whole world don’ seen them thangs.” He pecked away on his keyboard and began putting the money away. “Anaya. So that’s your real name.”

  “What?” I asked, suddenly uncomfortable.

  “Patterson. Anaya Patterson. My boy... I swear, man. He fell in love with you. Literally. He actually fell in love with you. He says you’re the greatest. I seen better myself, but, he likes you. He says he wants to meet you, outside of work of course, and do some thangs to you.”

  Is this a threat?

  “Now I can give him your address. Anaya Patterson, 315 West Lane Avenue, Apartment 1—”

  I slammed my hands down on the counter to shut him up. “Don’t you dare,” I said slowly.

  “Chill,” he said, his sneer gone. “Calm down before you get escorted outta here.”

  “Just make the deposit,” I told him. I was shaking and was about to cry. He was a physco. Suddenly my new job was life threatening.

  He finished putting the money away. “I won’t give your address away if you hook me up with one of them parties your club be throwing.”

  I didn’t know what he was talking about.

  “What parties?”

  “Don’t play stupid. You know what I’m talking about.”

  I wiped at the corner of my eyes. “Just… Shut the hell up and make the deposit.”

  He finished doing whatever it was he was doing on the computer, then gave me a slip that had my new account balance on it. I snatched it from him and stalked away, nerved by him. On the way out of the bank I turned to see him pointing at me and talking to another teller. I ran to the car and peeled out the parking lot.

  forty one

  Karen

  I woke up with Terrance’s arm wrapped tightly around me. I tried to get up, but he pressed me closer to him.

  “Where you going?” he asked through mumbled speech.

  “I gotta go to the bathroom,” I told him.

  “Hurry up,” he said. “You know I sleep best when you next to me.”