Casting Down Imaginations

by LaShanda Michelle

  “Yeah, yeah. He’s fine. We’re both fine. They were looking for your father. Turns out he’s been owing these guys for months and they said they weren’t leaving until they got their money, and if they didn’t get it, they were gonna hurt me and Kevin.”

  I heard her voice crack, and the sound of it made me cry as well.

  “Oh my God. Mama, I’m so sorry.”

  “My baby,” was all she kept saying, referring to Kevin. “My baby… They had my baby…”

  “What did you do?”

  She took a few moments to recollect herself. “I didn’t have any money on me because I don’t keep cash in the house because of your father, and I told them that. So I gave them all of my jewelry, and those bastards could tell the real stuff from the fake stuff. I gave them my wedding ring, and a few paintings from the wall, and I gave them my two fur coats.”

  “Not the ones Grandma left you?”

  “Yeah.”

  I sighed. “Awh, Mama. I know how much those meant to you.”

  “Yeah, but, you know… Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.”

  “How’s Kevin?”

  “He’s doing okay. He’s shaken up by all of it. I kept him out of school today. Poor baby cried all last night.”

  I couldn’t believe all this was happening. Last night while I was safe and sound in bed with Terrance, my mama and little brother were almost killed. All because my dad, who at one point I thought could do no wrong, refused to stop gambling. How much worse did things have to get before he came to his senses?

  “Oh my God. Mama, I’m so sorry.”

  “Ain’t no need to apologize. You didn’t do nothing wrong.”

  “I know, but I just… feel so bad.”

  “I understand. But that’s it for me and your daddy. It’s over. That was the last straw. I can’t take no more. I’m staying here with your aunt until I can get the money to file for a divorce.”

  I closed my eyes to keep from falling over. I guess I should have started preparing for it when she told me she was thinking about it that night Terrance and I went home. But to actually hear her say it made me sad. What happened to our happy home? When I was younger things were so perfect. There were never any fights or any arguments. They got along fine. She and I got along fine. And Daddy was my hero, and I was Kevin’s hero. Everything was so good back then. What happened to those times? Why did they have to go away?

  “Are you sure you wanna do that, Mama?”

  There was silence before she spoke again. “Those bastards said they were gonna hurt my baby,” she told me.

  Even though I wasn’t standing in front of her, I could see the red in her eyes. I could feel her pain through the phone. People always said never mess with a woman’s children, or her money, or her man. Daddy’s gambling messed with her child and with her money. Two out of the three danger zones equated a divorce for Daddy. It hurt, but I understood. It was like she said earlier. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.

  “Okay, Mama.”

  “Karen, look. I know you may not understand, now. And I pray that you never will.”

  “I understand, Mama.”

  “Listen to me, okay? Don’t lose what you have in Terrance. He’s a good man and he has a good heart. Do you remember how fast he came up here with that money to help me out? That shows he has a big heart. And he showed that he loves you by helping me out when I needed it. That’s a good man. And that’s why he took you in like he did, ‘cause he knew that we couldn’t over here.”

  “Mama, don’t worry about me and Terrance.”

  “I’m just trying to tell you. You got you somebody that’s gon’ take care of you. And that’s important. That’s what a man is supposed to do. So hold on to it as long as you can.”

  “Alright, Mama,” I said. “I need to call Daddy back and tell him where you are. He’s worried sick.”

  She huffed. “Is that why you called me?”

  “Yeah. I didn’t know anything was wrong at all until Daddy called me, screaming at me ‘cause I didn’t know where you guys were.”

  “Well, if he would have been handling his responsibilities instead of making stupid bets and losing all of our money, then he would know where I was.”

  I didn’t want to get in the middle of their arguments, but I could tell that somehow I was.

  “Alright, Mama,” I said. “I gotta go.”

  “Alright. Talk to you later.”

  “Bye,” I said, and hung up to call Daddy.

  forty five

  Anaya

  I tossed back and forth as I laid in the bed, frustrated that I couldn’t get any sleep. Even though Ayden proved to be a jerk, I was shook up by his words. Professional slut… I guess that’s what I was, in essence. I pranced around naked on a large platform intentionally so that strange men would gawk at me. That sounded pretty slutty to me. And I got paid for it, so it was my profession. Professional slut did sum me up.

  I was tired. I just wanted to leave and go away and not ever come back to Daytown. I just wanted to be a kid again. I wanted the days when I thought my life was so dramatic, but it was actually quite simple. When I used to spend three hours trying to figure out what I was going to wear to school the next day. When Karen and I were friends and we used to sneak around together. The days before I had to worry about rent and groceries and utility bills and gas and work. The days when Deacon Patterson used to take care of me.

  “I need to get out of here,” I mumbled to myself.

  I thought about home. My old room. My old life. And Deacon Patterson. I missed him. I was such a horrible daughter. I only called him about once a month, and that was just to find out if he was doing okay. But I needed Deacon. He was… my daddy.

  I wanted to call him, but debated whether or not I should. It was late, and I was sure he was asleep. But if I didn’t call him now I probably would talk myself out of it later. It was almost three o’clock in the morning, and I knew he had to get up in a few hours to go to work. I decided not to call, but then thought about all of the jerks I’d been involved with in the past year and how none of them equaled to half the man that Deacon was. Not Reese, not Ayden, certainly not Jeff-the-bastard, and not even Derrick, no matter how nice he tried to be.

  Before I knew it I was dialing home. Deacon answered on the fifth ring in a voice that hinted he was displeased at being woken up so late.

  “Deacon, it’s me,” I whispered, talking low as if that would help.

  He grunted. “Baby girl?” he asked.

  “Yeah. Sorry to call you so late.”

  He yawned. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, yeah. I’m fine, I just… missed you.”

  “Awh, isn’t that sweet? Well I miss you too, baby. How you been? I ain’t talked to you in so long.”

  “I know. I’m sorry about that. I just been… kinda busy. You know, with school and all.”

  He didn’t respond.

  “Deacon, you asleep? I can call you back some other time. I don’t want to disturb you. I just—”

  He interrupted me with another yawn. “No, baby. I’m awake. I was just listening to you talk.”

  I smiled, relieved. “How you been?”

  “Same ol’ same ol’. Just working hard, down at the church, too. Everybody always asking about you. Wanting to know how you been and everything. I just tell ‘em you fine, ‘cause I honestly don’t know. But I wish you’d call me more often, baby.”

  “I know, Deacon. And I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t apologize. I went to college, too, you know. I remember how it was. You grown now, and you got your own life, so I understand. I just miss you, too.”

  My own life. It was so jacked up. I had money and clothes and a nice place to live, but I wasn’t happy. There was no love in my life, and it made me cry.

  “You okay?” Deacon asked, hearing me sniffle.

  I tried to stop. I wanted to lie to him and tell him that everything was fine and that I was doing great and was the
happiest that I’d ever been in my life. But I couldn’t lie to him. So I answered, “No.”

  “What’s the matter?”

  I sniffled. “I’m just lonely up here. I don’t have any friends.”

  “You’re on a college campus with thousands of other kids your age, and you mean to tell me you haven’t found one friend?”

  What? Oh yeah... I almost forgot that fast!

  “I have, but… they’re not real friends. Just acquaintances.”

  “Well, what about Karen?”

  I sighed. “We’re not really that close anymore, Deacon. But I don’t wanna talk about her,” I said, and wiped the tears that were coming out of my eyes. “Can I come home?”

  “Sure, baby. You know you’re always welcome. This house ain’t been the same since you left anyway.”

  “Can I come tomorrow?”

  He hesitated. “Don’t you have class?”

  “I’ll skip,” I said quickly. “I really need a break.”

  “Yeah. I can imagine you do. But what about your part-time job at the paper? Aren’t they gonna need you?”

  “Oh yeah.” I forgot I told him that I worked part-time for the campus newsletter that came out every week. “I’ll just tell them I need some time off. They won’t mind.”

  “Well alright. You can come home if you want to. You wanna drive down?”

  My stomach leaped. I was so happy. “Yeah.”

  “How’s your car holding up?”

  “Oh, it’s fine, Deacon.”

  He yawned again. “Yeah? Well, come on home then. It sure will be good to see you.”

  “Thank you.”

  He kept yawning. “No problem, baby. I guess I’ll see you sometime tomorrow, then.”

  “Alright, Deacon,” I said. He was about ready to pass out on me, and I wanted to say goodbye before he did. “I love you.”

  “Love you, too. See ya later,” he yawned.

  “Bye,” I said, and hung up.

  **********

  It was a little before five when I pulled up into Deacon’s driveway. As expected, he was waiting by the door, and before I could even get out he was opening my door for me. He gave me a hug so big that it cracked my stiff back, but I didn’t mind because it felt good.

  “Let me get a look at you,” he said, holding me back. “You look like you don’ lost some weight. You ain’t eating?”

  I laughed. “Yes, I been eating.” I had to remind myself that the last time he saw me I was pregnant.

  He chatted about how good it was for me to come home so suddenly as he commenced to gather my things out of the trunk. I replied that it was nice for me as well, until he suddenly interrupted me.

  “This look fancy” he asked, holding up my Louis Vuitton train case which was full of makeup. “How you pay for this? It looks expensive.”

  I stared at the train case that I foolishly purchased as if I had someplace important to go or someone in my life that I needed to impress. I thought it was so cute when I first saw it and just had to have it. Now I was wishing I would have left it in the store right where it was.

  “Anaya?”

  I flinched. His face was asking me how I could afford that working a part-time minimum wage job if he didn’t give me the money for it.

  “Just a knock off,” I lied to him. “Got it at a flea market.”

  He nodded and took the rest of my things in the house.

  I was uneasy. I’d only been with him five minutes and had already lied to him twice. Maybe coming home wasn’t such a good idea.

  forty six

  Anaya

  I carried the heavy TV tray against my hip as I knocked on Deacon’s bedroom door. It was early. I was sure he was still asleep, but I had to wake him up in time to eat the French toast and egg omelet that I made for him. I put coffee and orange juice on the tray also, because I didn’t know which one he would have preferred.

  “Knock , knock,” I said as I tapped on the door.

  I heard him yawn. “Come in.”

  I cracked open the door and stuck my head in. “You dressed?”

  “Yeah, yeah,” he said, still half asleep. “You alright?”

  “Uh huh. I got something for you,” I told him, and walked in.

  “Whoa. What’s this?” he asked when he saw the tray.

  “Something I made for you. I hope you like it.”

  He sat up on the bed and straightened himself. “I hope I like it, too. It looks delicious. When did you learn how to cook like this?”

  “I been practicing.”

  “I’ll say.”

  I took the folded napkin off the tray and tucked it into the front of his pajama shirt. “You still got these ratty PJs?”

  He laughed. “I love these PJs. Thank you for making breakfast, baby girl. I’m gon’ tear it up.”

  I sat down on the edge of his bed and watched him eat. He was halfway finished with it when he told me that he had a gift for me.

  “What is it?” I asked, expecting a new sweater or a blouse.

  “You gotta open it and see.”

  “Where is it?”

  “On the top shelf in my closet.”

  I hopped up from the bed and got the present. It was wrapped in shiny white paper.

  “Can I open it now?”

  He nodded.

  I took the top off and removed the layers of tissue paper that were on top. Underneath were a bunch of old notebooks and photo albums.

  I was confused. “What’s this?”

  “It belonged to your mother.”

  I gasped. “What?”

  I felt his uneasiness. “I was cleaning out my storage spot a few months back downtown, and I found it. I packed it away years ago. When I found it I thought I’d give it to you. Figured you’d want it.”

  My chest heaved. “Oh, my God,” I said, realizing the value of what I was holding. There had to be at least twenty notebooks in the box, and photo albums and other books as well.

  “Those are all of her old journals,” he told me. “Your mama used to love to write.”

  I picked one of them up and flipped through it. It was from when she was in middle school.

  “You kept all these?” I asked.

  “Yeah. I knew that… she would want you to have them.”

  I looked up to see the somberness of his face. He never ever talked about my mother, and usually when I did he found some way to change the subject. Bringing this box home for me was a difficult step for him.

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome,” he said, and moved his tray to the side. “I gotta get ready for work.”

  I walked over to the bed and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you.”

  “What are you gonna do today while I’m at work?”

  I held the box close to my chest. “I’m gonna read all these,” I told him. “Probably make dinner for you.”

  He gasped playfully. “What? You mean you’re not going to the mall?”

  I laughed. “No. I got enough clothes for right now.”

  He gave me a hug. “Thanks for breakfast.”

  “No problem,” I said. “Thank you. For this,” I said, referring to the box in my hands.

  “Stay out of trouble today,” he told me as he made his way to the bathroom to take a shower. “And don’t burn the house down trying to cook.”

  **********

  I’d just finished reading one of my mother’s old journals when I heard Deacon pull his car into the garage. I was in the middle of cooking dinner and was hoping to have it finished by the time he got home from work. Earlier I’d gone to the grocery store and also to the mall to get him a gift. I had failed to get him something for his birthday earlier this year, and after the generous gift he’d given me earlier, I had to repay him. I found the perfect cashmere coat, and I got a good deal on it, along with a matching hat. I was going to give it to him tonight at dinner so he could wear it to church tomorrow. I knew he would get accolades of compliments on it.


  “Hi, Deacon,” I beamed as he walked into the house.

  He greeted me with a smile. “What’s that smell?” he asked, taking a deep breath. “Smells good enough to eat in here.”

  “That’s leg of lamb,” I answered. “I hope you don’t mind. I took the grocery money from the cookie jar and went shopping for you. Figured I’d make myself useful while I was here.”

  His face was full of surprise. “Look at my baby,” he said. “Growing up and being responsible. Who would have thought? I guess you were serious when you said you were teaching yourself how to cook. I don’t think I’ve ever had lamb.”

  “Well good. You’ll love it. And I put my foot in it, so anybody else’s you eat will be a disappointment, because you’ll always compare everyone else’s to mine.”

  He leaned over and pecked me on the forehead. “It better be good, you talking this much noise.”

  “It is, I promise.”

  “Okay. Give me a few minutes to go change and shower. After that, I’m all yours.”

  “Alright, Deac.”

  He went to the hall closet and hung up his jacket. “What you do all day today? You get some studying done?”

  “Humh?”

  “Studying? I haven’t seen you pick up a book all week.”

  Quick! Think of something to tell him! Hurry!

  “Oh, yeah,” I laughed. “Studying. Yeah. I’m on vacation, Deacon. I didn’t bring any. I just wanted to spend time with you.”

  He frowned. “That’s sweet, but I hope that doesn’t come to bite you in your behind later. You know you have to stay on top of your studies if you want to stay ahead of your class.”

  “And I have. I’m ahead in all of my classes. Don’t worry. Everything will be fine.”

  He looked doubtful, but still said “Okay. You’re an adult now. I gotta remember that.”

  I had to change the subject. “I got you something at the mall today,” I said, and went to get the present that was waiting on him on the kitchen table.

  “Aaahhh, I knew you couldn’t stay away,” he laughed.

  “I went for you, not me,” I told him, and presented him with the wrapped gift.