The Complete Nonsense of Edward Lear
Page 9
Neat little inkstand!
J
J was a jug,
So pretty and white
With fresh water in it
At morning and night.
j!
Nice little jug!
K
K was a kingfisher,
Quickly he flew
So bright and so pretty,
Green, purple, and blue.
k!
Kingfisher, blue!
L
L was a lily
So white and so sweet
To see it and smell it
Was quite a nice treat!
l!
Beautiful Lily
M
M was a man,
Who walked round and round,
And he wore a long coat
That came down to the ground.
m!
Funny old Man!
N
N was a nut
So smooth and so brown,
And when it was ripe
It fell tumble-dum-down.
n!
Nice little Nut!
O
O was an oyster
Who lived in his shell
If you let him alone
He felt perfectly well.
o!
Open mouth’d Oyster!
P
P was a polly
All red blue and green,
The most beautiful polly
That ever was seen.
p!
Poor little Polly!
Q
Q was a quill
Made into a pen,
But I do not know where
And I cannot say when.
q!
Nice little Quill!
R
R was a rattlesnake
Rolled up so tight
Those who saw him ran quickly
For fear he should bite.
r!
Rattlesnake bite!
S
S was a screw
To screw down a box
And then it was fastened
Without any locks.
s!
Valuable screw!
T
T was a thimble
Of silver so bright
When placed on the finger
It fitted so tight!
t!
Nice little thimble!
U
U was an upper-coat
Woolly and warm
To wear over all
In the snow or the storm.
u!
What a nice upper-coat!
V
V was a veil
With a border upon it
And a riband to tie it
All round a pink bonnet.
v!
Pretty green Veil!
W
W was a watch
Where in letters of gold
The hour of the day
You might always behold.
w!
Beautiful watch!
X
X was King Xerxes
Who wore on his head
A mighty large turban,
Green, yellow, and red.
x!
Look at King Xerxes!
Y
Y was a yak
From the land of Thibet,
Except his white tail
He was all black as jet.
y!
Look at the Yak!
Z
Z was a zebra,
All striped white and black,
And if he were tame
You might ride on his back.
z!
Pretty striped Zebra!
III
MORE NONSENSE PICTURES, RHYMES, BOTANY &c. (1872)
NONSENSE BOTANY
Stunnia Dinnerbellia
Washtubbia Circularis
Tickia Orologica
Tigerlillia Terribilis
Arthbroomia Rigida
Sophtsluggia Glutinosa
Minspysia Deliciosa
Shoebootia Utilis
Jinglia Tinkettlia
Nasticreechia Krorluppia
Enkoopia Chickabiddia
Barkia Howlaloudia
ONE HUNDRED NONSENSE PICTURES AND RHYMES
There was an old man of Hong Kong,
Who never did anything wrong;
He lay on his back, with his head in a sack,
That innocuous old man of Hong Kong.
There was an old person of Fife,
Who was greatly disgusted with life;
They sang him a ballad, And fed him on salad,
Which cured that old person of Fife.
There was a young person in green,
Who seldom was fit to be seen;
She wore a long shawl, over bonnet and all,
Which enveloped that person in green.
There was an old person of Slough,
Who danced at the end of a bough;
But they said, ‘If you sneeze, You might damage the trees,
You imprudent old person of Slough.’
There was an old person of Putney,
Whose food was roast spiders and chutney,
Which he took with his tea, within sight of the sea,
That romantic old person of Putney.
There was a young lady in white,
Who looked out at the depths of the night;
But the birds of the air, filled her heart with despair,
And oppressed that young lady in white.
There was an old person of Brill,
Who purchased a shirt with a frill;
But they said, ‘Don’t you wish, you may’nt look like a fish,
You obsequious old person of Brill?’
There was an old man of Three Bridges,
Whose mind was distracted by midges,
He sate on a wheel, eating underdone veal,
Which relieved that old man of Three Bridges.
There was an old person of Wick,
Who said, ‘Tick-a-Tick, Tick-a-Tick;
Chickabee, Chickabaw,’ And he said nothing more,
That laconic old person of Wick.
There was a young lady in blue,
Who said, ‘Is it you? Is it you?’
When they said, ‘Yes, it is,’—She replied only, ‘Whizz!’
That ungracious young lady in blue.
There was an old person of China,
Whose daughters were Jiska and Dinah,
Amelia and Fluffy, Olivia and Chuffy,
And all of them settled in China.
There was an old man of the Dargle
Who purchased six barrels of Gargle;
For he said, ‘I’ll sit still, and will roll them down hill,
For the fish in the depths of the Dargle.’
There was an old man in a Marsh,
Whose manners were futile and harsh;
He sate on a log, and sang songs to a frog,
That instructive old man in a Marsh.
There was a young person in red,
Who carefully covered her head,
With a bonnet of leather, and three lines of feather,
Besides some long ribands of red.
There was an old person of Bree,
Who frequented the depths of the sea;
She nurs’d the small fishes, and washed all the dishes,
And swam back again into Bree.
There was an old man in a barge,
Whose nose was exceedingly large;
But in fishing by night, It supported a light,
Which helped that old man in a barge.
There was an old person in black,
A Grasshopper jumped on his back;
When it chirped in his ear, He was smitten with fear,
That helpless old person in black.
There was an old man of Toulouse
Who purchased a new pair of shoes;
When they asked, ‘Are they pleasant?’—He said, ‘Not at present!’
That turbid old man of Toulouse.
There was an old man of Blackheath,
Whose head was adorned with a wreath,
Of lobsters and spice, pickled onions and mice,
That uncommon old man of Blackheath.
There was an old man on the Humber,
Who dined on a cake of burnt Uumber;
When he said—‘It’s enough!’—They only said, ‘Stuff!
You amazing old man on the Humber!’
There was an old person of Stroud,
Who was horribly jammed in a crowd;
Some she slew with a kick, some she scrunched with a stick,
That impulsive old person of Stroud.
There was an old man of Boulak,
Who sate on a Crocodile’s back;
But they said, ‘Tow’rds the night, he may probably bite,
Which might vex you, old man of Boulak!’
There was an old man of Ibreem,
Who suddenly threaten’d to scream:
But they said, ‘If you do, we will thump you quite blue,
You disgusting old man of Ibreem!’
There was an old lady of France,
Who taught little ducklings to dance;
When she said, ‘Tick-a-tack!’—They only said, ‘Quack!’
Which grieved that old lady of France.
There was an old man who screamed out
Whenever they knocked him about;
So they took off his boots, And fed him with fruits,
And continued to knock him about.
There was an old person of Woking,
Whose mind was perverse and provoking;
He sate on a rail, with his head in a pail,
That illusive old person of Woking.
There was a young person of Bantry,
Who frequently slept in the pantry;
When disturbed by the mice, She appeased them with rice
That judicious young person of Bantry.
There was an Old Man at a Junction,
Whose feelings were wrung with compunction,
When they said ‘The Train’s gone!’ He exclaimed ‘How forlorn!’
But remained on the rails of the Junction.
There was an old man, who when little
Fell casually into a kettle;
But, growing too stout, He could never get out,
So he passed all his life in that kettle.
There was an old Lady of Winchelsea,
Who said, ‘If you needle or pin shall see,
On the floor of my room, sweep it up with the broom!’
—That exhaustive old Lady of Winchelsea!
There was a young lady of Firle,
Whose hair was addicted to curl;
It curled up a tree, and all over the sea,
That expansive young lady of Firle.
There was an old person of Rye,
Who went up to town on a fly;
But they said, ‘If you cough, you are safe to fall off!
You abstemious old person of Rye!’
There was an old man of Messina,
Whose daughter was named Opsibeena;
She wore a small wig, and rode out on a pig,
To the perfect delight of Messina.
There is a young lady, whose nose,
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight, she exclaimed in a fright,
‘Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!’
There was an old person of Cannes,
Who purchased three fowls and a fan;
Those she placed on a stool, and to make them feel cool
She constantly fanned them at Cannes.
There was an old person of Barnes,
Whose garments were covered with darns;
But they said, ‘Without doubt, you will soon wear them out,
You luminous person of Barnes!’
There was an old man of Cashmere,
Whose movements were scroobious and queer;
Being slender and tall, he looked over a wall,
And perceived two fat ducks of Cashmere.
There was an old person of Hove,
Who frequented the depths of a grove;
Where he studied his books, with the wrens and the rooks,
That tranquil old person of Hove.
There was an old person of Down,
Whose face was adorned with a frown;
When he opened the door, for one minute or more,
He alarmed all the people of Down.
There was an old man of Dunluce,
Who went out to sea on a goose:
When he’d gone out a mile, he observ’d with a smile,
‘It is time to return to Dunluce.’
There was a young person of Kew,
Whose virtues and vices were few;
But with blameable haste, she devoured some hot paste,
Which destroyed that young person of Kew.
There was an old person of Sark,
Who made an unpleasant remark;
But they said, ‘Don’t you see what a brute you must be!’
You obnoxious old person of Sark.
There was an old person of Filey,
Of whom his acquaintance spoke highly;
He danced perfectly well, to the sound of a bell,
And delighted the people of Filey.
There was an old man of El Hums,
Who lived upon nothing but crumbs,
Which he picked off the ground, with the other birds round,
In the roads and the lanes of El Hums.
There was an old man of West Dumpet,
Who possessed a large nose like a trumpet;
When he blew it aloud, it astonished the crowd,
And was heard through the whole of West Dumpet.
There was an old man of Port Grigor,
Whose actions were noted for vigour;
He stood on his head, till his waistcoat turned red,
That eclectic old man of Port Grigor.
There was an old person of Bar,
Who passed all her life in a jar,
Which she painted pea-green, to appear more serene,
That placid old person of Bar.
There was an old person of Pett,
Who was partly consumed by regret;
He sate in a cart, and ate cold apple tart,
Which relieved that old person of Pett.
There was an old person of Newry,
Whose manners were tinctured with fury;
He tore all the rugs, and broke all the jugs
Within twenty miles’ distance of Newry.
There was an old person of Jodd,
Whose ways were perplexing and odd;
She purchased a whistle, and sate on a thistle,
And squeaked to the people of Jodd.
There was an old person of Shoreham,
Whose habits were marked by decorum;
He bought an Umbrella, and sate in the cellar,
Which pleased all the people of Shoreham.
There was an old man of Dumbree,
Who taught little owls to drink tea;
For he said, ‘To eat mice, is not proper or nice,’
That amiable man of Dumbree.
There was an old person of Wilts,
Who constantly walked upon stilts;
He wreathed them with lilies, and daffy-down-dillies,
That elegant person of Wilts.
There was an old man whose remorse,
Induced him to drink Caper Sauce;
For they said, ‘If mixed up, with some cold claret-cup,
It will certainly soothe your remorse!’
There was an old person of Cassel,
Whose nose finished off in a tassel;
But they call’d out, ‘Oh well!—don’t it look like a bell!’
Which perplexed that old person of Cassel.
There was a young person of Janina,
Whose uncle was al
ways a fanning her;
When he fanned off her head, she smiled sweetly, and said,