No Geek Rapture for Me_I'm Old School

by Jonelle Renald

  Someone walked up, stopped. Without raising her head, she said, “Call your horse off.”

  “It was all his own idea. I had nothing to do with it.”

  Mia turned her head a little and spied Enoch leaning against a tree trunk a few feet away. “How could you do that to me? Are you trying to make me feel bad about what happened? I already feel worse than you could possibly know.”

  “Not at all. I know you feel badly about what happened, I know what was done to you, the pressure you were subjected to. I know how much you regret the abortion.” Without realizing it, Mia flinched at that word and turned her head away.

  After a pause, Enoch continued. “Please forgive me for what just happened. I didn’t know you would be able to identify Kit from a handshake. Possibly because of where we are, you were able to discern more. I’m not sure.”

  Mia said, “Yes! I saw exactly who he is — I saw everything. I saw what he would have become, the good he would have done, had he been allowed to — if I had not —. I knew, I knew, back then when it happened, I knew it was wrong. I knew I should not go through with it. Even in the clinic waiting room, I could feel the violence of that place, knew that we were in a place of death, but Jack’s mother had brought me there — and I was so scared. So scared. I didn’t see a way that I could do anything else. She kept telling me that Jack had a wonderful future ahead of him, and nothing must get in the way of that. He was going to go to seminary, become a pastor like his father. And me — she kept telling me that it would be the best thing for me too, that I needed to make the right choice, give everyone concerned the chance to have the best future possible. We were just in high school, we were too young to be parents. They just wanted the best for us both, they were thinking of me and Jack, our future. Or so she said. I was so scared, I felt like I had no opportunity to say no, even though I didn’t want to go along with it. What would I do instead if I didn’t go through with it? Who would take care of me plus a baby? There was so much pressure. I didn’t know what to do. Where could I go? Jack told me — he told me he wanted to marry me, later, when it was the right time. But after, when it was all done — Jack never even spoke to me again — not once. He cut me dead whenever he saw me at church, acted as though he didn’t even know me, like he couldn’t even see me. He would look right through me as if I was invisible or a part of the scenery. And later, to get me to stop going to their church, Jack’s dad, the senior pastor, called me into his office and made me read verses from the Bible — out loud — about people disrupting the congregation, about fornication and adultery, about having a hard heart against God, about refusing to repent. Finally, I couldn’t take it any more. Trying to make me feel bad — as if the situation we were in was entirely my fault?! I just dropped the Bible and ran out of there, and never looked back.”

  She found a clean linen hankie in the pocket of her tunic and wiped her eyes. “Did you know? Did you know I had seen Kit before, just once on that very bad day? On that day, when — when — in the middle, I saw him, the way he was. You know, the image of a very young fetus, how it looks. With my eyes or only in my mind, I couldn’t tell you. Like the space baby at the end of that science fiction odyssey movie in the sixties, I saw the image of a barely begun baby in its sac of water, sucking its thumb, the image of it superimposed on the wall next to me in that room with the beige painted concrete blocks, and then the image slowly faded away. I felt empty, and I knew it was over. I knew what I had done, what a horrible mistake it was. But it was too late. What an unforgivable thing I had done. No going back. No changing history. I took his life away from him — for the convenience of people who don’t even matter. And now I can’t make up for it, I can’t make things better. How can I ever be forgiven for what I did? I can’t. God wouldn’t. I’d already been saved, I should’ve know better.”

  Enoch said, “You can rest easy, Mia. There is no anger here for you to confront, it’s already been dealt with. You are not being asked to make up for what you did in any way. If you ask to receive it, there is forgiveness being offered to you.”

  “What are you talking about? Anger’s all I can expect. Like that ambush back there.”

  “I am so very sorry that you recognized Kit as your son in that way. It was not our intention to ambush you in any way. Our thinking was for Kit to get to know you, then tell you later who he is. He’s not angry at you. Quite the contrary. He has been interested in meeting you ever since we started guarding you, and he has helped to protect you once we realized you would be moving into harm’s way. He doesn’t want to confront you about what happened, doesn’t want to demand answers, or indulge in any kind of drama and make a scene. The only reason he came here was to get to know you. He forgives you and has nothing but grace in his heart for you.”

  There was a long pause while Mia sat quietly listening to sounds in the forest, and later a snort and a stamp from Maru.

  Mia looked at Enoch. “What do I do now? I don’t know what I should do now.”

  “You’re asking me to give you advice?” Enoch asked.

  “Yes! I don’t know what to do now! How can I go back with you, how can I face Kit?”

  Enoch hesitated. “Before I answer, you must keep in mind where we are. You remember how food is different here in the suburbs of Heaven, in this place of real reality? How the totality of a person is involved in the eating of a meal — body, soul, and spirit? What you are asking would also be like that, in a sense. Giving advice, presenting options here is more than providing a list of choices, and then figuring out which one is best. It would be nothing like what you are used to. As a result of Adam’s choice, the Earth is governed by the principle of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, where choices are made blindly for the most part, trying to discern what is the lesser of two evils, discover what is the good in a confusing swirl of options. I can’t help you to determine what is the better option. Listening to advice here will involve your entire being— body, soul, and spirit. Making a decision here so close to the throne of the Holy Great One will not be an intellectual exercise trying to make a morally neutral selection. Here on God’s mountain, the options are to choose life or choose death. The reality is you don’t need more information — you need more life.”

  Enoch came and sat under the tree next to Mia. “If I answer your request to give you advice, you will be cut to the dividing place between your soul and spirit. Your response to that advice will have immense significance and will change the course your life takes afterward. Right now, you are not required to make a choice of any kind. So my caution to you is — don’t ask me for advice right now, not in this place. You won’t get the kind of help that you’re looking for, and you won’t like having to decide. Do you understand what I’m telling you?”

  Mia sighed. “Maybe not entirely, but yes, I think I understand. You won’t give me advice, not in the normal sense of the word. Here on the mountain of God, what I’m really asking for is to be given a coup de grace. A knockout sword stroke that will either kill or cure me. Either I will choose to have more life, more of God’s life, or I will choose to reject that life.”

  Enoch nodded silently, then said. “That is exactly right. Once we begin — if we begin — the intentions and motives that you and I both do our best to keep quiet in a dark place in our heart will be brought to light. The secrets in your soul will no longer be hidden from me. Or from you. What you strive the hardest to keep hidden will be manifested. Are you sure you want to endure that?”

  “Not sure if I want to, but I’m telling you to go ahead anyway. I can’t stand the thought of having to puzzle out making even one more right decision. I can’t take making one more bad choice. Please help me — I need wisdom and instruction. So help me find more life, like you said.”

  “All right then, here goes. You haven’t made a final choice yet. Before I can advise you, I’ll need to know whose side you are on, because your loyalties are divide
d.”

  Face flushed, eyes blazing, Mia jumped to her feet. “Side? Whose side? Sides for what? I don’t know what you’re talking about, let alone what side I’m on. And who are you to say my loyalties are divided? My loyalty to God is just fine, thank you. I chose to be saved. I’ve never given up on him, even in spite of everything those horrible church people did to me. How dare you accuse me of having divided loyalty!”

  Finished speaking, she leaned back against a tree several feet away from Enoch who was still seated, surprised at the sudden intensity of her anger at being questioned about her loyalties. “Is this how I truly feel?” she thought. “Angry that I don’t have control over my life, angry that I keep being forced into making a choice by someone else?” She thought for a moment. “If I’m truly honest with myself, guess I’d have to say yes. I am extremely angry about that.”

  Enoch was saying, “There are only two sides, two options for every soul to choose between, God’s side or the devil’s side. To quote a wise man, the sides are ‘those who say to God, “Thy will be done,” and those to whom God says, “Thy will be done,” All that are in Hell, choose to be there.’ You haven’t made your final choice, Mia. God’s will, joy, and Heaven — or your own will, self-rule, and Hell.”

  Mia shook her head, then looked up at the sky. “What? What are you saying?! I can’t believe you aren’t focusing on my situation with Kit! At this particularly awful and overwhelming moment, you’re telling me to choose a side. What if I don’t want either of those choices? Why can’t I stick up for my own side? I did what God wanted — I got saved. Already admitted I am a sinner, asked God to save me because I can’t save myself. What else does he want? How can it be that I don’t have a side for myself?”

  Enoch replied, “Before the conquest of the Promised Land, Joshua challenged the Captain of the Hosts and asked him, ‘Are you for us or are you for our enemies?’ The answer he got was ‘Neither. I came here as the Captain of the Army of the Lord himself.’ Joshua’s response was to bow down and ask, ‘What do you command me to do?’ The same situation is facing you, Mia. It’s not a issue of asking God, ‘Are you on my side?’ He won’t answer that. He’s giving you the opportunity to enlist on his side. Or you can choose to continue to isolate yourself and try to remain independent. Although you should know that in the end, trying to stand alone will force you to oppose God. The result of attempting to stay independent will be the death of your soul. Long term, on your own, you have no power to maintain your existence, let alone preserve your independence. Evil knows who hasn’t joined God’s side, and they don’t tolerate independence either. They will come after you because that other side has no respect whatsoever for you or what you want. Evil insists it will conquer and rule over you, take away all your choices, and then destroy you completely. You’ve seen what Hell would be like.”

  Mia shivered, “Yes, I have. No thanks!”

  Enoch said, “Then choose God’s side. He will give you life.”

  Mia said, “That’s not much of a choice — ‘Side with God or go to Hell’!”

  Enoch said, “There’s some on earth who say you should be grateful that God is even offering you a chance to avoid Hell. They’d say that he doesn’t have to offer grace to anyone, not if he didn’t want to. Not to one single person.”

  Pacing and speaking very loudly (nearly shouting), Mia said, “Oh, I despise that doctrine! It started with some early Roman Christian from North Africa who gave the Christian God characteristics of the pagan god Zeus — just as harsh, unpredictable, and deaf to human prayers, an all-powerful deity in total command of everyone’s destiny, making the decisions where every human soul will spend eternity, and above all, unwilling to give any human being a valid choice in the outcome of their fate. Dead is dead, right? Nobody chooses even though the Bible says over and over, ‘Choose you this day.’ That theologian totally ignored what is said in Scripture about the God whose law is lovingkindness and mercy. Made God seem like an evil kidnapper and thought once everybody gets a good dose of some Stockholm Syndrome, we’d all love and trust him. ‘Be glad you’re one of the ones who were lucky enough to be chosen — not everyone is.’ According to them, some will not be able to be saved, no matter what they pray. That’s a vile thing to say about God!”

  Enoch smiled and asked, “You’re sticking up for God then? Which side of this argument are you on anyway?”

  Mia wanted to make a face at him, but didn’t. Instead she said, “My own side.”

  Enoch laughed, and Mia smiled at him. Then she turned her back toward him.

  He said, “So you don’t think God is a tyrant then. The issue for you is that you don’t want to give up your ability to have the final say in what happens to you. I understand. That’s the challenge of the situation for everyone. God promises that once you choose him, he will provide everything you want. Life, love, freedom. Remember? ‘The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.’ But he does insist you give up your position as the sole ruler of your life, and insists you sign over your kingdom and swear fealty to God alone. Or if it helps, think of the Lord of Glory being in total control as the director is in fencing. You are safe because everyone submits to the rules which make your sport non-lethal. Or say God’s the conductor of an orchestra. Each instrument chooses how to play individually, but unless each one submits to the directions from the conductor for tempo and volume, the music produced will be chaos and dissonance and not a beautiful harmony. Or even driving a car. Submit to the law of the land, and you’ll be safe. If each one chooses to do what they want rather than obeying traffic laws, people would die.”

  “Okay. Fine. I see your point.” She started walking back and forth. “God will give me liberty and rewards after I give him my allegiance. I’m still not happy being told I have no other option but to choose his side.” Mia asked, “What if I say I want to choose later. Now’s not a good time.” And she thought, “Really, it’s not a good time for me!”

  “You could do that, but in the mean time, deciding to not decide would be marked down as choosing the side of evil, since you aren’t choosing to be loyal to God alone. Remember? There’s only two sides. Only two options.”

  “I can’t believe I can’t even pick the time I choose a side. It would only be fair. How can anybody agree to this? I’m not happy I can’t have my own side.” Rolling her eyes, Mia shook her head.

  “Nobody is. Nobody wants to give up their independence. There’s a reason it’s called a sacrifice, dying daily. It goes against the grain for everybody.”

  “Except for you. You’re God’s most favorite. You never died.”

  “We’re not here to talk about my sacrifices. Maybe someday we will, depending on which side you choose here.”

  Looking up at the sky, Mia said, “That’s all it takes? I just say which side I choose, and that’s it? What you’re saying, it’s too simplistic. How would that be a valid choice?”

  “You do have to abide by God’s terms concerning how you live your life afterward since you’re agreeing to let God take charge, completely. But yes, that’s all it takes. Another of the terms for later is that when it’s time for them to open the books and judge your life, you come before the judge with empty hands. You agree to say, ‘I won’t try to make myself acceptable in God’s sight. I won’t offer a list of the good things I did and hope it outweighs the bad. I rely only on what Jesus did for me.’ Determine to trust him only.”

  “You make it sound so easy. But it’s not.” Mia sighed. “I want to be forgiven, but I can’t be.”

  “You have already been forgiven. By God and by Kit himself. Certainly you saw that.”

  “That’s different. It’s easy for him.”

  “No, it wasn’t an easy decision for him. I can’t speak for him, but you might consider that maybe it is even harder for him than you can imagine to forgive you for such a crime. But he does forgive you. Keep in m
ind, Kit’s forgiveness wouldn’t be possible unless you had already received forgiveness from the Eternal God. Forgiveness is available — so choose. And choose carefully. Which side are you on? Here, on the porch of Heaven, there can be no double-minded fakery, no possibility for being less than sincere. What you say here will have great significance and change the course of your life.”

  Mia faced Enoch. “Now that I’ve seen the other side, I would never ever choose — that.”

  “You’d be surprised at what people can talk themselves into forgetting, when they decide to choose their own will, and not God’s. Whose side are you on?”

  “Why are you forcing me to make a declaration right now?”

  “I’m not forcing you to do anything. I’m doing what you asked — providing you with wisdom relating to your situation. Helping you see where to find life.”

  “It feels like I’m being forced.”

  “Perhaps it does,” Enoch replied. “As someone has said, ‘The greatest crisis we will ever face is the surrender of our will.’ Truth is solid like a rock. It doesn’t give way when kicked against. God won’t give way either. Choose him or don’t, but there’s no third option.”

  “If I don’t choose God, what will happen?”

  “Only two sides, remember? Not choosing is choosing the other side. If that’s what you choose, I’ll take you back to your home, protect you until we get there.”

  “So — I’ll be on my own after that?”

  “Isn’t that what you want?”

  “No, not like that! I need protection from those monsters! You did it before. Do it again.”

  “So you want the benefits of walking with God without making a commitment?”

  Mia looked away. “I need protection. Why did you protect me before? Why can’t you keep doing it for the same reason as before? It isn’t fair for God to leave me on my own unless I choose his side now. He should make sure I’m protected no matter what I choose.”