A Family Shattered: Book Two in the Michal's Destiny Series

by Roberta Kagan

  “And as far as you and me, Taavi. I don’t want you as a lover unless it is what you want. If I have to force you, then we have nothing.” She stopped speaking and looked down at the table, then took another cigarette out of her jeweled case. Next she handed the matches to Taavi so that he could light it for her. He did. She smiled. “If you don’t want me, then I have nothing else to say.”

  What could he say? What could he do? He liked Frieda as a good friend. But he’d never loved her. His heart had always belonged to Michal. From the first time he’d seen Michal back in Siberia, he’d known that she was the one for him. Frieda was staring into his eyes and he could feel her desperation. If he dared to tell her the truth, he was afraid she might feel scorned again and have him sent back to the camp.

  “So, Taavi? So what’s your answer?”

  “I’ve missed you.” he lied.

  “Do you want me?”

  “Give me time…” Taavi could hear the pleading in his voice and the sound disgusted him.

  “Time for what?” She glared, and he caught the look immediately. He had to be careful, very careful.

  “Time to heal. I am sick, Frieda. I am weak. I need food and a bath. I need rest.”

  “Of course. I didn’t mean tonight. I meant … do you want me? Do you care for me? Are you coming back to me? Are you mine again?”

  He felt his stomach turn over. “Yes.” He lied again. “Yes.”

  “Then kiss me.”

  “As dirty as I am?” He was wearing old clothes that were given to him by one of Braus’s men before he left. Braus didn’t want him leaving in his uniform. It would have been too easy to spot him that way. He had not washed his face or body, or brushed his teeth, in months.

  “Yes. I want you to kiss me.”

  “Are you sure?”

  She nodded. Then she got up and walked over to him. Frieda bent down so that she could be even with the chair where Taavi was sitting and she kissed him full on the lips. Afterwards she took his chin in her hand and smiled. “You’re quite right. You desperately need a bath.”

  Chapter 20

  Taavi felt the warm water caress his aching body as he lay in the bathtub. He’d spent so long ignoring the pain in his joints that now that his body was being soothed by the water he realized how much he’d endured. Since there was no hurry, he languished in the warmth for an extra-long time, lathering his hair and body with the clean fragrance of soap. Even as he scrubbed, the smell of the camp still lingered in his nose. He wondered if it would ever leave him or if it would haunt him forever. Once the water had cooled beyond warm, Taavi reluctantly rose to leave the bath. He looked at the pile of dirty clothes he’d thrown on the floor and was loathe to put them back on his body. But he was afraid that if he left the bathroom wearing only a towel, Frieda would interpret that to mean that he wanted to make love to her. That was the last thing he wanted right now. It would be a betrayal to Michal and it would also confuse Frieda so that when she learned the truth of his feelings towards her, she would be even more angry. Besides all of that, he didn’t think his body was strong enough to perform. He picked up the dirty clothes from the floor. The odor in his nose grew stronger. If he could, he would burn those clothes and with them the horrible memories of his days in Hell. For just a moment he thought of Fredrick. His heart sank with pity, but there was nothing he could do for his friend. He was barely able to help himself. So, he put it out of his mind and got dressed.

  When he came out, Frieda was waiting for him. She had some cold sausage and bread, even a sliced up apple. And a large mug of dark beer.

  “I’ll have to go out and get you some clothes tomorrow. These absolutely stink. My God, Taavi. The smell is horrendous,” she said. “Oh well. For now, sit down and eat. When you’re finished you’ll get some rest.”

  He gobbled the food. It was impossible to eat slowly; he’d been so hungry for so long. At first, the food tasted wonderful. His taste buds exploded and he felt almost ecstatic. But then his stomach lurched and he ran to the bathroom and vomited.

  “You ate too fast,” she said from outside the bathroom. “That’s all right. It’s all right. Just relax and in a little while, you can try to eat again. I didn’t realize how bad of a shape you were in. Next time you’ll eat a little more slowly. Yes?”

  He didn’t answer. He was ashamed. Taavi leaned his head against the cool tile of the bathroom wall. Frieda loved him. He had not understood just how much before. He knew it, but he had not realized the depth of her feelings until tonight. Or maybe he just didn’t want to believe that she really loved him. He had chosen to think that all she felt towards him was lust and a broken ego. But seeing her tonight, how she had been so kind and sympathetic even as he stunk and vomited like a filthy animal, told him her feelings for him were more than her just wanting to win. She loved him. A terrible wave of guilt came over him because he knew he would leave her again, and he hated himself for being so callous. He was using her. He’d been forced to do it, but he was using her nonetheless. Frieda was a good person. She had a good heart, and she didn’t deserve this. He liked her, admired her too. But she was not the woman he loved. Taavi Margolis loved his wife.

  “I’ll let you rest,” she said. “You’ve been through Hell from what I can see.”

  “Yes, it’s been Hell.”

  “I am not sure why you were arrested, but I won’t question you tonight. I am glad you’re here, Taavi. Get some sleep. Tomorrow when you are stronger we can talk more.”

  She had been sitting on the sofa, her arm spread across the top. Frieda stretched her back and got up to go. Taavi took a moment to really look at her. Although her features were too strong to be beautiful, she was a handsome woman. Her jaw was square and prominent, and her cheekbones were high and defined.

  “When the fellow from the Gestapo approached me and told me that they had arrested you and put you into a concentration camp, I have to admit I was worried. I hated you for what you did to me … but I’ll be damned if I wanted to see you die in some Nazi prison.”

  “Thank you, Frieda.”

  She nodded. “Taavi, you’re a little skinny, but you’re still one handsome devil. And, by the way … you’re welcome.” She gave a slight laugh and winked at him. There was sadness in her eyes. He could see that she felt bad for all of his suffering. Then she left quietly, closing the door behind her.

  It had been a long time since Taavi had slept on a real bed. The pillow was so soft that he felt as if he were drifting on a cloud. How strange it was. Once upon a time, many years ago, it seemed like a lifetime ago, he’d lived right here in this room. Then, Taavi had taken this very bed and these same pillows for granted. How strange, he thought. Being in that camp had changed him.eHe was sure the change would last forever. There in that manmade Hell, the worth of his life had been reduced to less than that of an insect. And he had witnessed and endured the utmost suffering. Because of this, his appreciation of even the smallest things of beauty or comfort was so intense that they brought tears to his eyes.

  He lay there for a few minutes just taking in the pleasure of feeling a clean sheet under his bruised body. The warmth of a soft blanket covering his bent and calloused feet. His hands embraced the feather pillow that cradled his head. A tear of gratitude to God dripped down his cheek. Then he closed his eyes and his thoughts drifted. He saw Michal’s face in his mind as fell into a deep, dreamless slumber.

  Chapter 21

  Taavi was not sure how long he’d slept. It felt like minutes, but Frieda assured him that it had been three days. She’d only awakened him, she said, because she was afraid he would starve to death.

  He laughed softly. She had no idea how close he’d already come to starvation, and unless one had been subjected to the lack of food and water it was hard to explain how little the human body needed to sustain life. For a moment he wondered what her reaction would be if he told her that he’d eaten insects. He decided not to tell her.

  “It’s good to have you bac
k with me, Taavi. I don’t like to admit it, but I have truly missed you.”

  He bit his lower lip. How was he ever going to make her understand that he cared for her deeply, but only as a friend? Frieda reached out and gently stroked his face with the tips of her fingers.

  “You are a mess, my Taavi. But it’s nothing that some good food and a little rest won’t fix.”

  He nodded. “I don’t know what to say, Frieda. I can’t express the gratitude I feel towards you. You saved my life.”

  “As if I would not have come to your aid. Come on, Taavi. You must know that I had to remember what we shared. I couldn’t leave you there. Tell me the truth, did you ever doubt I would come through for you, really doubt it? You had to know that no matter how angry I was with you, that as soon as I found out what was going on I would find a way to get you out of there.”

  “And you did, Frieda.”

  “Of course I did.”

  He took a deep breath. She deserved better than what he was about to give her. But how could he go on lying? And even worse, he would not escape in the night and leave her without an explanation, like a coward. “Frieda,” Taavi said, “you are my dear friend and you’ve helped me to get on my feet more than once. I owe you. I know that. But…”

  “But? You don’t owe me anything, Taavi. Just having you here is enough.”

  “Frieda.” He got up and stretched his legs. It seemed that every bone and muscle in his body ached even more than when he’d first arrived. Or maybe the comfort had made him more aware of the pain. “I am so sorry, but I have to go home to my family.”

  “Taavi? But you had the Nazis contact me. I thought you wanted to come back to me?”

  “Oh God. What can I tell you? I never wanted to hurt you or to use you. But, you were my only chance for freedom. You were the only one who gave me even the slightest hope of getting out alive. I knew you had friends, influence, and money.”

  “Oh, Taavi.” She got up and walked to the window, crossing her arms over her chest. They stood on opposite sides of the room, neither looking at the other.

  “You could send me back to the camp if you wanted to. I know that. But I won’t lie to you and make false promises. I care too much about you. You’ve been too good of a friend.”

  Her eyes flashed at him in anger. She glared at him for several moments. Then her shoulders slumped. “Tavvi, Tavvi, Taavi, you did use me, I suppose. But, how can I blame you, eh? Yes, I still have feelings for you, like a fool. And this hurts me. But I believe you when you say that you don’t mean to hurt me. And … I won’t turn you in. I’ll keep paying the blackmail to keep you safe. Go, go home to your wife. Stay hidden, Taavi. They think you’re here with me. If they find you and your wife, who knows what will happen. Yeah?”

  He nodded. “Thank you, Frieda. You have a big heart.”

  “Eh … I am getting soft in my old age. Get dressed and get out of here tonight as soon as it gets dark. And for God’s sake, Taavi, be careful.”

  She allowed her eyes to cover him from head to toe as if she were memorizing every inch of his face and body. Then in a very soft voice filled with pain and regret for a love and life that might have been, she whispered, “Goodbye, Taavi.”

  He nodded. “Goodbye, Frieda. I will never forget you.”

  “Wait,” she said. Then she left the room but came back with a suit and a pair of shoes. “Take these. One of my lovers left them here. I saw them this morning. I guess he figured he might need them for the next time he stayed the night. I’ll tell him they were stolen. He’ll believe me. Anyway, change your clothes. There is no doubt you would be very conspicuous in those filthy clothes. There’s a razor in the bathroom. Shave yourself clean so you look like a businessman instead of an escaped prisoner.”

  Taavi looked at her.

  “Well, you can’t go wandering around the city looking like some kind of derelict, can you. The Gestapo would pick you up for that alone, right?”

  He shook his head. “Oh, Frieda. You are a good person.”

  Frieda opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something, but instead she shook her head, then turned and walked out, closing the door to the small apartment behind her nightclub and leaving Taavi alone.

  Chapter 22

  Michal

  It had been years since Michal had delivered a baby. Years. She’d learned to be a midwife from the old wise woman, Bepa, when she and Taavi hid in Bepa’s small cottage deep in the forest after the Cossacks invaded her village. Taavi knew Bepa, and he brought her to the cottage. He told her that this was the only place that seemed remotely safe. And now as Michal remembered her time there in the woods with the fragrant smell of clean air and the song of birds when spring arrived, it seemed like she and Taavi had been living in a haven. Especially compared to Ravensbruck.

  Heida came to Michal’s block that night. She put her finger to her lips and whispered “Shhh” so Michal would not speak and awaken the others. Then Heida took Michal’s hand and led her to where the young pregnant girl was waiting. Several times Heida’s eagle eye would spot a guard and she’d pull Michal into a dark doorway. But finally they arrived at their destination.

  It was so dark that it was almost impossible to see. The guards had already turned off all the lights in the block and it was a moonless night. It took several seconds for Michal’s eyes to adjust, but when they did, she saw a young girl sitting quietly on a cot … waiting.

  “Light a candle,” Heida commanded to the crowd of women who had gathered around to see what was happening in the block. The women all scrounged around until one brought out a tiny piece of a candle and lit it. Candles were hard to come by and this small piece was a treasure. “Thank you,” Heida said to the prisoner who’d shared her candle.

  The woman nodded back.

  “I’m Michal,” Michal whispered to the pregnant girl, trying to make her voice as soft and comforting as possible. She knew how personal and embarrassing the exam she was about to perform would be, and she was trying to put the poor girl at ease.

  “I’m Miriam.”

  “You are a Jew?” Michal asked.

  The girl nodded. “The Nazis don’t know it. Somehow they just don’t know. I’m here for being a communist. I suppose I’m lucky. It’s worse if you’re a Jew.”

  “I am a Jew,” Michal said, gently touching the girl’s hand. Miriam reminded Michal so much of her daughter Alina that she wanted to cry. “I am going to examine you. All right?”

  The girl nodded.

  Heida turned to the other prisoners and said, “Why don’t we all go away and give them some privacy. Yes?”

  One of the other prisoners said, “If she thinks she is going to keep a baby in here she’s crazy. It would bring trouble to the whole block. We’d all suffer because of her. I say we turn her in.”

  “We can’t do that, that’s inhumane. You know they’ll kill her,” another prisoner said.

  It was hard to determine who was speaking in the darkness. Michal only heard the whispered arguments.

  “I’m not going to put my own life at risk for a stranger, a girl who means nothing to me. Not only will we be punished if she’s caught giving birth in here. But then what happens after that? Then what?”

  “What do you mean, then what?”

  The voices were all different. The prisoners were discussing Miriam and the dangers her predicament was bringing to all of them.

  “Then there will be a baby in this block. The baby will cry, the guards will find it, and we’ll all be punished for not turning her in. The last thing we need is a screaming infant in here. Aren’t things bad enough?”

  “Oh, please don’t say that, Marta, you’re a mother too. How can you feel that way?”

  “Shut up. We are all trying to survive. Things are not the same in here as they were before. Now it is every person for themselves.”

  The women’s voices grew louder as they became engrossed in the argument. Heida gave one of them a shove, then she said, “All of you
. Be quiet. We aren’t going to turn anyone in. You’re all better than that. You aren’t Nazis; don’t act like them. Get out of the way so that Michal can help this poor girl.”

  The others followed Heida as she herded them like a flock of sheep to sit on the other side of the block. All except for the one holding the single candle.

  “Lie down,” Michal told Miriam.

  The girl did as Michal asked and Michal began the examination. Miriam was built like a ten-year-old boy. She was small and slender, and even though she was almost ready to give birth, her breasts had hardly swelled. Michal had never done a delivery without Bepa’s help. She whispered a silent prayer that Miriam went into labor at night, because if she went into hard labor during the day, the guards would probably shoot her on the spot. Michal bit her lower lip Miriam’s hips were so small, and she wondered if the girl would be able to deliver naturally. And if not, would Michal be able to cut her to take the baby out? And then the chances were very slim that the mother would survive. What would Michal and Heida do with an infant in their predicament? Michal felt nauseated and dizzy as she examined Miriam. The girl was about to deliver and the baby had not yet turned. Could she reach in and turn the child if it did not do so on its own? “Bepa.” She whispered the old woman’s name in her mind as she felt herself gag slightly. God, Bepa, I wish you were here. There was just so much that could go wrong and Michal was so inexperienced. And then God willing if Miriam went into labor at night, she must not scream from the pain. This poor child must endure childbirth in silence or the guards would come, and they would all be punished. It was hard to see by the light of only one candle. But that was all she had and she must be quick, because she would need to use what was left of the candle on the day that Miriam went into labor. Oh, dear God ,Michal thought. Can I do this?