Gabriel, I'm (not) a serial killer

by Frank Spoiler

  Meanwhile, his cries of:

  ─ Motherfucker! I'll make you eat your balls! ─They could hear him in Cancun, at least. He would not stay still, throwing punches each time lower, he wanted to destroy me with one hit. Dodging his punches I could see his face transfigured by hatred and anger.

  I remembered the joke of the Gorilla.

  This gentleman takes his wife to the zoo and once in front of the gorilla cage, he sees the gorilla go mad for his wife, its eyes like dessert plates and hitting its chest. The gentleman, noticing the excitement of the gorilla, tells his wife; Honey, did you notice how horny you're making the gorilla? She makes a face like not knowing what he meant and her husband takes advantage and asks; honey, why don't you undo two buttons of your cleavage to see what the monkey does? Come on, let's have a laugh.

  The lady obeys her husband, unconvinced. And the gorilla, who already has his eyes bloodshot from the excitement starts bouncing and hitting the bars with despair like you've never seen. The gentleman began to laugh and enjoy the show and even dared ask his lady to rise her skirt and show her panties to the monkey. The lady, who was beginning to love the arousing she was causing, did not hesitate and, clutching her skirt, she lift it slightly at the front, just enough to expose to the gorilla her tiny red thong. The gorilla then jumped to the bars and grabbed the lady's arms, squeezing so hard against the bars that it was impossible to get loose. Realizing how excited and dangerous the gorilla was, she began to yell at her husband desperate cries for help. The gentleman laughed even more and more as he shouted to the lady: Go ahead, tell him now that you have a headache ".

  Well, good old Mathias, was like the gorilla, only that his excitement was his rage towards me. Not intending to fuck me, but kill the fuck out of me. By the way, I still insist I do not know what would have been worse.

  Well, after dodging one last kick to the balls, luckily, that is, by a few inches, I got him off guard and let him have the toe of my shoe (all of it) in that package, the envy of the police force.

  I was going to bash his head in with a statue of Buddha that I have at the entrance, above the shoe cabinet, made of solid iron, taking advantage from Mathias's hands being busy taking care of the area I'd hit, when something hit my neck and I felt darkness fall around me.

  When I awoke, two or three hours later, I had a terrible headache on me, and I could not asses the severity of the damage having both hands tied behind my back. When my vision cleared I had a look around, I found Mathias, who looked at me furiously from the entrance of the kitchen, and his bloodhound, agent Anton Cubero, who, with his regulation nightstick in his right hand, was hitting his left palm, not taking his eyes off me, sitting in a chair for two. In front of him, he had my "22" inch state of the art flat screen TV. And right next to him, a gadget like a multimedia hard drive. That was not mine.

  ─ What, Mathias, are we going to watch porn movie, to excite you more? ─ I should have not said that, the Bloodhound, with just a gesture of Matthias, rose quickly, as only a trained dog can do, and hit me several times in the knees, right on the bone.

  I didn't want to scream and I almost swallowed my tongue from the pain and effort not to do so.

  - Shut up! Bastard! ─ Bloodhound Anton spat on my face.- We have evidence that you killed Rose! This time no ...

  Mathias severe gesture suddenly silenced him. Mathias, with an ice pack between "his private parts" and a poem of not quite love on his face.

  - Who is that Rose? - I pretended not to know who he spoke of.- What the fuck does she have to do with me? What death are you talking about, damn it? You know I'm coroner and I work with you! Why do you accuse me of killing someone I don't even know?- I was trying to sound nervous and bewildered already knowing that none of this would convince Matthias, but I had to keep the charade. I was risking my neck! And Mathias was not up for games.

  Finally, Matthias told me;

  - Quit pretending you do not know what I'm talking about- he cried.- You know perfectly well that Rose was my companion and was investigating your crimes.

  - My crimes? - I tried to put on the most innocent face I could.- Are you completely insane Mathias! What crimes are you talking about?

  I knew my acting was not very good but I enjoyed making him lose it.

  - Stop it! Anton, put it on!- He said, pointing at the multimedia hard drive.

  Agent Anton stood up and pressed the power button, then, turned on the television. They seemed to have everything ready for they dint have to touch anything else.

  Mathias stared at me to see my reaction and agent Cubero watched his, waiting for the reaction of his boss.

  When I started laughing they almost shit themselves. On the screen, a film of the great Cantinflas. The title; I am a fugitive.

  I could not help but exclaim;

  - Fantastic! Guys but ... giving me this nice surprise...- I put on an excited face. - You shouldn’t have bothered. You amaze me. Who told you that I’m crazy about Cantinflas movies?

  Return of the freak?

  Mathias did not fool around, he came close and punched me with flawless aim, this time I could not avoid it. It was of such caliber and with such strength that I flew, chair and all, and I crashed against the liquor cabinet that was behind me. The mess was evident, the chair shattered and I think a tooth filling escaped from my mouth, which of course, I did not bother to look for. Then I realized it was just saliva and felt tremendous relief, coming at me as he did, Mathias, as the followers of the Cibeles in Madrid after winning the league: Climbing the walls, this time and seeing prepared and after his previous experience, he chose to stand a few feet away and very threatening, he said;

  - You're a fucking bastard! - What else is new? I smiled, I knew that but I did not say it to him of course.

  - This time you're not going to escape, bastard,- he growled- I do not know how you did it, how it was possible that you could erase from the hard drive your sadistic crime and still have the balls to put a film of Cantinflas? -. His face was a poem and even thought I saw a hint of admiration for my talent. It was just an illusion.- I'll come back for you he sentenced, looking very convinced and cold.- ... That you can be sure of. And I will come prepared with the box in the car. He sentenced firmly.-A Shitty pine box, you do not deserve anything better, motherfucker! -. He insulted, very angry.

  Fuck! - I thought, he is really angry!

  - Because if in a few days - he continued, biting his own words─. I can't get enough evidence to put you away for life, asshole...- His face was of a brownish color, almost gray - I'll come back to kill you- sentenced Mathias, pointing with his big, bony index finger.

  And he said it with no doubt, very seriously.

  He barked at his hound, Anton, and left my apartment pretty quickly, by the way. And the bastards didn't even clean up the mess they made, those assholes!

  Once gone, the concern and seriousness that characterizes me came back, and I started thinking;

  - Damn! they brought me dinner -. I went for a beer to the fridge, it was empty.

  Some of you would think; what’s up with this guy, isn’t he concerned of how determinedly aggressive Mathias attitude is toward him? Is that what you think? Yes, it is true, my concern was purely informative. I knew they had no evidence against me, so my concern was obvious, I had none. I knew well that Mathias was a man of law, and would not let his hatred and resentment towards me get in the way, with no real physical evidence. Other things concerned me more ... the odious headache returned and that really bothered me.

  There was not much time to waste or it would be too late. Each time it took too long to take the remedy, I did something stupid, so I went to the dresser in the living room and opened the middle drawer.

  There was a huge bottle with yellow pills that had a horrible taste but they were the only ones that could relieve that damn headache, at least enough for the night. I took ten at once, one would not have had any effect today, two just make me yawn and three just make me close my eyes
for a few minutes. So I took ten hits, perhaps hoping for a quiet night without nightmares. What if I have nightmares? Are you stupid or what? What murderer doesn't? I dream that I'm in jail and I cannot keep killing.

  I was about to go to bed when the doorbell rang. Yes, I jumped, I thought the madman Mathias had forgotten to say something and had come back to tell me. But no, it was not Mathias.

  It was Alicia! But ... it was impossible! I ... had I killed her? , Just a few months ago ... I remembered our conversation, before killing her in the bathtub of her apartment.

  "- You're risking your more than your life Motherfucker! And my brother will kill, and kill more people if you do not let me go right now." And said don't fuck with me very convinced and red as a tomato. Alice, the freak, my God! What the hell was she doing here, if she was dead? I killed her...! There was no doubt it was her! And she came in as soon as I opened the door in a flash. The strange thing was the way she dressed. It seemed straight out of a science fiction movie. A completely golden one piece suit with more lights than a disco ball. Ugh, I got to thinking; "It could it be the pills, Gabriel, you're having an astral journey and you're in orbit right now. No, it could not be a trip with that smacking she gave me, the hit dislocated my jaw. The worse part, it wasn’t even with her hands but with a hard drive she had in her right hand that I thought was her purse.

  Once on the ground, totally confused, about to lose consciousness thanks to the pills rather than by the blow. They were beginning to wreak havoc on my head. Alicia, the freak, began to search around while throwing questions at me.

  - Where is it? Where did you hide it? You worthless Murderer! - Wherever she went, she threw it all without much courtesy, you could tell nothing was hers.

  I was flipping out in pills and questions, I had no idea what she wanted.

  A kick in the ribs made me remember.

  I remembered when I first saw her, when I followed her to her house and remembered that, when entering I saw she had a strange urge to take a strange bracelet she was wearing on her left wrist. I did not seem to know the material that it was made of, so without hesitation, I took it off quickly and I put it the pocket of the jacket I was wearing that day.

  Sure, that's what you want, the bracelet! I tried to remember what I did with it and, in my state, the strange thing was that my memory still worked, I remembered. It had a very weird shape and drawings, with impossible writing; an indecipherable language I could not grasp. Only when I turned it around and saw the name inside, and that really seemed strange, it was not uncommon.

  It had a name in Spanish - Alicia -. I also remembered suddenly the fear I felt when I touched it. Yes, I finally remembered, I had left it in the tank of the toilet and never, until then, had I recalled.

  One more, repeated question -for more data - and a new challenge, this time in the balls, took me to the dream world. Do not ask me what happened next, waking hours later, my apartment looked like a pigsty, and I, a broken puppet. And Alicia? No sign of her! I even thought "did I dream it?"

  Anyway, her enthusiasm asking for her bracelet left me with a great desire to know what was so special about this band, and ... why, that commitment to be with it again? And it sure was not to be a family heirloom. There had to be a much stronger reason for Alicia, the freak, to come back from the dead.

  Bogdan, a good guy

  Had I known at that moment that I (unknowingly) had given the key to find me and come after me ...

  But I would have not known it until later; one year after this "friendly visit".

  When I -innocent me, banged my head against it for a second time... Of course that I still did not know, damn bracelet!

  You can imagine the stupid face I had on when I saw her, right? But hey, that's another story. For now, I left the dam bracelet in the tank which was still it best hiding place.

  There was not much time to sleep so I threw myself on the bed and soon fell asleep like a saint in just two seconds. To ponder? What the fuck was I going to think of if I had been whooped by both Mathias and revived Alicia?

  I'm like a well-oiled machine, so in a couple of hours, and before my alarm clock rang, I was back up and in the shower with hot water to open up my pores and disappear all stains of dried blood stuck to my skin, which I had throughout the body. The bastards, they sure did what they pleased!

  How the bed and linens were with blood and other dead skin, let’s not talk about. Poor Isa, my cleaning lady, was going to freak out when she came to clean the floor, to make the bed and change the sheets, and let's not think on how those Magnificent Men left the floor boards. Well, that's what I pay her for, she can sweat it! ME? Clean it all before Isa came...? Are you drunk? Or drugged, or what's the matter? No way, I'll remove and clean all that’s dirty or broken! I'm a coroner, not a maid!

  Well, why do I bother to give explanations ... I’m either stupid or completely crazy? So fuck you!

  I had many things to do this morning, so I was not going to waste any more time thinking. I would be solving the problems as they came.

  At the end of the day, I did not care much about the situation, I had a plan "B" in the event that I would fail to dodge Mathias.

  Strangely enough, I did not think of Alicia again. And yes, that was worrisome.

  I'm rambling, I think the colorful pills are causing the damage, this dam headache is taking me down... I need to spill blood ... maybe drink it. When I become a vampire and I will let you know.

  I'm not well, I can tell, it is not normal to have these deep and stupid ramblings and conversations... I barely understand myself; I do not know what is happening to me, and if I cannot focus soon, I fear Mathias will have it too easy to get rid of me. I know, he will not kill me ... he’s too legal and he follows the law to the letter. Too bad for him! But I do not know what is worse, die at his hands or ... rot in jail?

  With so much wandering, I did not realize how or when I took the car, much less how I arrived at the gates of forensic laboratory.

  However, he was there, my assistant Bogdan, his impassive asshole face.

  Upon coming to him he said:

  - Chief, seems like you got kicked by a mule.- He giggled like a jerk.

  - Yes, your fucking mother, asswipe!- and I was so refreshed and relaxed!

  Poor Bogdan, he grew pale like there were no more colors, used up all of them, even the gray tones.

  - Come on, sucker! What do we have today? Did someone die or was killed in this fucking town? - Not sure why, but even to me that monologue was unpleasant.

  Bogdan however, did not seem to mind it and kept dropping stupid giggling while he was skipping through the halls sticking behind me, like a lapdog.

  That day we had a lot of work. During the night there were seven deaths in the city; apparently two "motherfuckers" had robbed a supermarket, one of those that are open around the clock, the clerk got frightened and rang a bell from under the cash register, to call his boss and the police, but the boss did not know or did not want to wait and left his office swearing to the holy hosts. The robbers got nervous and started shooting every living creature that came into the crosshairs.

  Luckily at that time there were only seven people there, if not there would have been many more dead that night.

  As usual, the police arrived late, and the robbers fled; we're still in search and capture mode. Just to see them there, and imagine the chore it was going to become, the sweats came over me, so I ordered good Bogdan to take care of them, I was going for coffee.

  I had to take my medication and bolted out of there, before he objected and ruin everything, this is my escape ...

  Isn’t that what we bosses are supposed to do? Let the staff at our command in charge of all the work? Especially if it’s dirty work. I would not be the lesser among them.

  Since I started murdering and enjoying it, I lost almost all my scruples. And when my superiors brought Bogdan as my assistant, I ended up losing them all. Bogdan, was a good man!

  Chapter 13
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  Alicia' Bracelet

  Such laziness cloud not be followed by anything good, as it were, as I returned from the café I found an unpleasant visit, rabid -dog, Mathias, that's how I baptized him after he took my body for a punching bag and coached with it. What a bastard! I almost threw up in his shiny boots all of my coffee with milk and donut.

  - I see that you are very happy today, you fucking murderer.- he greeted me with his usual sympathy.

  - Do not worry, just by smelling you I lost all I had of it. You stink–I didn't feel like laughing to his pun.

  - Do not worry, you will lose all your desire to smell me - he muttered scornfully twisting his face. -When you’re in prison, damn fucking fagot. And don’t be surprised to lose something else. - he chewed more than pronounced his words, and did it with such rage and venom, if he spat he would poison Bogdan and me.

  Just in case, I dint say anything, did not want to give him any bad ideas.

  Poor Bogdan did not know where to hide, his whole body was hunched trying to confuse himself with the dead (one of the victims of the supermarket), which seemed impossible, because he’s uglier than a dead man riddled with more than fourteen bullets on its whole body. (Smallpox, he told us on day he arrived); Bullshit, he was born ugly!

  - Bogdan! Stop by my office when you're done with that autopsy, we have to talk.- Barked Mathias looking at Bogdan. Then he glared at me and left, slamming the door in the autopsy room.

  If Bogdan had been more attentive he would have realized that Mathias glare at me, with much more complicity anger.

  Bogdan looked at me as feeling "caught in the act", then looking down when I looked at him trying to figure out what he would have to tell the lieutenant. I could not help thinking that, Bogdan, despite being ugly and stupid, was a very good professional. Not that I did not despise him, and maybe, just maybe, he knew more than he looked. So I was very attentive to his movements until he went directly to the office of the lieutenant. I went to my office, I had things to do. Or listen too.

  - Sir ... - Bogdan called shyly from the door, and not daring to enter.