my life as a rock album

by LJ Evans

  I tossed your duffle on the floor by the passenger seat and backed my Porsche out of the garage. For a moment, I did almost lose it and laugh at you because you were standing there with your hands on your hips, eyes flashing, all fiery Tinker Bell at her worst.

  I barely held back my grin as I knew that irritating you wasn’t going to help. I just leaned over and pushed open the passenger door. You hesitated and then stomped your way over, flinging your tiny frame into the seat before slamming the door in a way that made me cringe inwardly for my speakers, but also made me want to smile again with relief and humor.

  “What hospital?”

  As soon as you told me, I tore out of the driveway knowing that even if I drove like a mad man, we were a good thirty minutes from the hospital in normal L.A. traffic. In L.A. you are pretty much thirty minutes from anything.

  You dug in your bag and pulled out an oversized t-shirt that slipped tantalizingly from your shoulder as soon as you pulled it on, then you proceeded to pull on a bra and a tank underneath it. I was so damn fascinated that I almost swerved into the oncoming traffic.

  You grabbed the dash, “Jesus. Watch the road!”

  “You’re making it really difficult.”

  “You didn’t have to come.”

  “I’d like to have seen you do that while driving,” I said purposely trying to lighten the mood. Trying to get you to release even a tiny bit of that tension that was filling you.

  “I always hate girls who think they can change in their car and no one will notice, and here I am doing the same thing.”

  I had always hated it too, but wow was I rethinking it. You looked good changing in my car. Too bad you were putting on clothes instead of taking them off.

  “Extenuating circumstances.”

  “Which I wouldn’t have been in if I hadn’t…” You trailed off and looked away, but I could see the color hit your cheeks even though you tried to hide it.

  I couldn’t help but run a finger over your beautiful face again. It was intoxicating. Your skin. Your eyes finally met mine for the first time in a while, and I could see in them just how worried you were. The fear that was there.

  “Who’s Liv?” I asked.

  “Justice’s… My brother’s wife,” you choked out. And then I understood. You weren’t just afraid for Liv but also for your brother if he lost his wife and baby.

  “It’ll be okay,” I said not able to hide my own emotion, resting my hand at the nape of your neck.

  “You can’t know that.” You closed your eyes and a tear rolled down your beautiful cheek. It made me want to pull the car over and pull you into my lap, but I knew that wasn’t what you really needed. What you really needed was for me to focus and just fuckin’ drive. So, I pulled my hand back to the steering wheel, lowered the gear, and passed an ancient auntie on the wrong side.

  You didn’t complain this time. Instead, you dug back in your duffle for some yoga pants that you slid into while I desperately tried to keep my eyes on the road.

  You slid your feet into a pair of flip flops and then pulled down the visor. Your hair, with all those gorgeous curls that I’d just been tangling my fingers in, was bouncing around your face in an unruly, lovely mess.

  “God. Everyone’s going to know,” you said in a voice that was both frustrated and a little freaked out as you whipped the curls up into a messy bun, wrapping a hair band around the volume in a way I knew would not hold it up for long. Which was just fine with me. I would be able to weave my hand through it again when it fell down.

  “Know what?” I asked trying not to smile at you as I tried to play dumb.

  “What I… what we’ve…” You looked out the window as you flipped the visor back up. I loved that you didn’t stress about your not-perfect-make-up and that you weren’t whipping out a can of hair spray and pulling on stilettos. I loved that you were just being you in a t-shirt and yoga pants. Do you see how many times I wrote love in that paragraph?

  At the time, I just shrugged, “They have a lot of other things on their mind at the moment.”

  You shook your head. “No. I’ve never been able to hide anything from any of them.”

  But I could tell that my words had reminded you of the reason we were racing towards the hospital in the first place. And I silently cursed myself for bringing back the worry that I was trying so hard to take away.

  “Why did your brother raise you?” I asked in an attempt to shift your focus.

  “My parents died in a plane crash when I was thirteen.” You said it matter-of-factly. Like it was just part of someone else’s history, but I knew then, just as I know now, from personal experience, that with the loss of a parent, it isn’t ever that straight forward. That it leaves wounds. Especially on a teenage girl. You can’t beat yourself up for those wounds, Bella. For how you tried to fix them. It’s just fuckin’ life, and life ain’t fair. Never has been.

  “That sucks,” I said, just trying to get you to continue thinking of something else besides Liv and Justice at the hospital.

  You shrugged it off. Like I try to shrug things off. My mom. My shit-for-brains dad. My grandparents. Cam. “It sucked more for Justice. He had to drop out of medical school and get a job so the social services people would let me live with him.”

  “You didn’t have any other relatives?”

  You shook your head. “No. My grandparents on my mom’s side were both older by the time they had my mom. And on my dad’s side it was just his mom, and she died of breast cancer…” you paused, “Justice wouldn’t have let anyone else take me in anyway.”

  “And Locke?”

  “Locke was his college roommate. Didn’t even blink an eye at having me move into Justice’s room while Justice slept on the couch until they could afford a bigger place.”

  I could easily imagine that to two young men in their twenties, taking in a teenage girl didn’t happen without a blink. I could imagine there’d been lots of discussions about it. Anger too, but it’s obvious they never made you feel that way. And, I found myself warming to your brother that I’d never met and even to Locke whom I’d wanted to kill just a few hours ago. They had taken care of you. Like family should. Like my parents had never been able to do for me.

  We rode in silence for a while. You thinking about your family. Me thinking of my asshole dad.

  “How long have your brother and Liv been together?” I asked.

  “About five years. They’ve been married three. This is their first baby.” Your voice caught on your last words.

  My chest tightened at your pain, and I pushed down on the accelerator once more.

  Your phone rang, and you looked down at it in surprise before answering it. “Claire?”

  “PJ! Thank God!” The voice on the other end said. I wondered if you knew that you were on speaker. “We’ve been trying to get you for hours. I almost called the cops!”

  “We’re on the way to see Liv now.”

  “We…” The voice on the other end trailed off and then started laughing. “Ooohhh. You little hussy!”

  At first, I wanted to slam the phone out of your hand, but when you smiled and blushed, I could tell that whoever Claire was, she hadn’t upset you. That she was teasing you.

  “Claire, you do remember that my phone only works on speaker, right?” There was a warning in your voice.

  “That’s right! Seth Carmen you’re my new hero!” Claire called out.

  Now that I know Claire, I know her flirtatious tone really covered just how happy she was for you. At the time, I was just glad that she’d been able to take your mind off of Liv and Justice for a moment.

  “My pleasure,” I responded.

  There was silence.

  “Claire?” You asked as if you’d lost the signal.

  “Sorry. Was actually speechless for a moment,” Claire said, and I could hear the smile in her voice even though I’d never met her.

  “I’ll talk to you once I’m at the hospital,” you told her with a quick, sidew
ays look at me.

  “Okay. But you know I’m going to want details. Yes, DEEETAAAILS, Seth, so it better all be good!”

  “You’re so embarrassing,” you said shaking your head in misery.

  “Everything embarrasses you.”

  “Love you,” you responded.

  “Love you too. Call me later.” And Claire ended the call.

  “Sorry about that,” you said as you went to put your phone in your bag, and I knew it was so you didn’t have to look at me.

  “I think I like this Claire person,” I responded.

  Your head swung up, and you eyed me thoughtfully. “You would. Everyone does. In fact, she’s way more your type than I am.”

  That made my stomach twist because I could hear the worry in your voice. “That’s not possible. I’m only interested in fiery fairies.”

  You acted like you hadn’t heard me, but you had. Instead, you futzed with your messy bun trying to tighten it into submission. I know how worried you were for me to meet Claire. You thought her fun, outgoing beauty was going to captivate me. And, I won’t lie to you because you know I don’t lie, Claire is gorgeous, but there is no way she can compete with you.

  When we got to the hospital, we headed straight for the maternity ward’s waiting room. There, you flew into the arms of a man who, other than being quite a lot taller than you, resembled you in frame and hair and eyes. I could clearly see that you were related, and that was the only thing that saved me from wanting to pound him into the ground. That was possessive. That was me wanting to keep you as my own. I do recognize it for what it is most of the time.

  “Justice!” You hugged him tightly. “Have you heard anything?”

  “Not yet.” His voice was muffled in your hair, and you were squeezing his t-shirt in your hands as you held on to him tightly.

  Locke appeared at the door with water bottles in hand. He gave me a nasty look and then joined you and Justice. “Is everything…” Locke’s voice choked up.

  “Just glad to see S&M,” Justice said pulling away, but keeping you at his side.

  I found myself grimacing at the nickname that had easily slipped from Justice’s lips. I wasn’t happy with it. I’m still not. To the outsider, it makes you sound like something you’re not. And I know I was glowering by the time your sinewy brother turned his attention to me, which wasn’t the best first impression. But, as you can guess by now, I don’t give a rat’s ass about first impressions. Or second. Or third. At the time, I didn’t care if he had raised you, I wasn’t going to let him talk to you like that.

  “So, you’re Seth,” Justice said eyeing me warily.

  “I am. And what kind of brother calls his kid sister something like that?” I stepped towards the group, ready to go if needed.

  “Seth. Stop. No. It’s just a nickname.” You intervened with a wave of your hand.

  “That’s not a nickname,” I snapped back.

  “It just means small and mighty, dipshit,” Locke stepped between Justice and I. “You can’t come in to a situation you know nothing about and start throwing punches.”

  I didn’t respond, but my look said, “Wanna bet?”

  “No, no. It’s okay,” Justice said stepping around Locke and assessing me from head to toe. “It’s good that he’s defending her. If he wasn’t, I’d show him the door.”

  “I’d like to see you try,” I growled. I didn’t mean to upset you. I was being ridiculously protective. I know.

  “Stop!” You came out from behind the men and tugged at my tense arms. I looked down at your heart-shaped face, and I realized I was upsetting you more than you already were, so I tried to let go of the anger. You were already good for me in that way. I was already trying to be a better person for you. My palm caressed your cheek like it had always belonged there.

  “This isn’t the time or place for any of this,” you said, pleading softly.

  “She’s right,” Locke agreed.

  I could think of a million shitty things to say in response, but I focused instead on my desire to keep you calm.

  The doctor entered the room, and all our eyes swung to his face. He was smiling, and I knew that was good. Grim faced doctors are not ones you want to encounter.

  “Sorry we had to kick you out of the room there. But, Liv’s fine. The baby is fine. You have a brand-new baby boy. Six pounds, five ounces. Seventeen inches.”

  “Thank God!” Justice exclaimed, and you were at his side, hugging him tightly again. You were both crying. Tears of relief and joy.

  Locke wrapped his arms around the two of you, and you all shared a moment that made me feel like a foreigner and left me aching for something I’d never had. Family that cared deeply about each other.

  Justice broke away first. “Can we see them?”

  “The baby is being cleaned up in the nursery. You can come on over there. Liv is coming out of the delivery room. We’ll have her in the new room in a few minutes,” the doctor said.

  You and your family followed the doctor, and I only hesitated a moment before I followed too. I was enticed by all of you. The doctor led us down a hallway where he swiped a card to get into the maternity ward. “Justice can come on back, but everyone else will have to wait here.” The doctor pointed to the window of the nursery where a tiny little baby was being wrapped in a blue blanket.

  Justice squeezed your hand and then followed the doctor into the nursery. You stood with Locke at the window watching the baby. I thought you’d forgotten me. You probably had. I was the two-minute acquaintance in a lifetime of family. I fucking hated it. I didn’t want to be on the outside of your circle. I eased up next to you, grabbed your hand, and squeezed. You looked up at me with tears in your eyes. And even though I knew they were happy tears, I still didn’t want to see you that way.

  I brushed at one that dared to hit your cheek with a gentle finger. When I looked up from your face, I found Locke watching us closely. Locke’s face tightened into something not quite a frown, but he didn’t say anything. And I was glad. I didn’t want to start something again outside the baby ward.

  Inside the nursery, Justice was holding the baby. He brought him to the window. The baby was so small that I wondered how it could possibly be a living breathing creature. It looked like a doll.

  Justice was beaming and you were beaming back at him. You put a hand on the window, and Justice moved the tiny hand to the window too, and I watched with a flood of emotions as you and the baby’s hand touched on opposite sides of glass.

  You’d be shocked to know the number of images that filled my head at the moment. What I saw were images that I knew I could bang out of steel and glass, but I was also, unexpectedly, seized with an image of you holding your own baby in your arms and smiling up at me with tears of joy. And I knew for a fact that I wanted that image to someday be a reality and that knowledge socked me in the stomach so hard I couldn’t breathe.

  At the moment, with you and the baby’s hands touching through glass, all I could think was that you had turned my whole goddamn world upside down. And you’d done it in mere hours. So little time that it could be measured in seconds.

  All those emotions that I had long lived without were filling me so tightly that I couldn’t let go of your hand. It felt right to me, holding your tiny frame in my oversized, rough one. I held it like a lifeline. I don’t know what you thought. Was that when you started thinking I was overbearing and possessive?

  I was still holding it when we walked down the hallway to where they had finally wheeled Liv and the baby into a room. Inside, we found Liv with her laughing brown eyes and brown hair. I could tell she was a natural beauty even through her hospital hair and tired eyes that lit up on seeing you. And I was tortured again with how close you all were. Liv had the baby wrapped in her own arms.

  “PJ! Come meet baby Cole.”

  You dropped my hand to go to the bed, and the absence hit me hard.

  You sat on the bed with Liv, hugging her and making googly eyes at the baby.
Justice was standing next to you all, smiling a huge smile that lit his eyes that are so disconcertingly the same color as yours. Locke was on the other side of the bed, smiling too, and I instantly loved how your little group had found a way to be a family in this crazy world.

  And I knew that I was going to have to prove myself to these people who so obviously adored you. Prove that I deserved you. And I knew even then that I didn’t. But, I can’t help being honest too. I didn’t want to share you with them. It was a weird dichotomy. I ached to be a part of that family, and I was so glad that you had loving people in your life, but at that same time, it meant there would be less room for me. Less need for me. I had thought earlier, in bed, that maybe you needed me as much as I needed you, and this proved it wasn’t true.

  I walked out. I was trying to gain control of my emotions. I had to pinch the inside of my palm in a way I hadn’t since my mom died. I wanted to give you some privacy. I left, made a call, and then couldn’t help but be drawn back to you and your family.

  I leaned up against the doorframe and watched for a while. You were all happy, passing the little bundle around with lighthearted teasing. Liv finally looked up and noticed me. She smiled. A real smile. Not the fake ones I was so used to seeing on pretty women.

  “You must be Seth?”

  I didn’t respond.

  “You must have been keeping our PJ awfully busy if she didn’t answer Justice’s call,” and she said it with a wink and a small smile that barely concealed her laughter. She’d just been through excruciating hours of labor to deliver a baby and yet was smiling and laughing already. It made me understand that Liv was pretty amazing too.

  “Liv!” You swatted at her playful banter. I kept my arms crossed against my chest with my hands tucked carefully under my armpits so I wouldn’t be tempted to touch you and those pink cheeks.