my life as a rock album

by LJ Evans

  I realized then that I’d never really let anyone mother me the way Becca does. Not even my abuela. Of course, I’d been full of anger, and alcohol, and later, regret the majority of the time with my grandparents. Somehow, they’d seen through all of that in order to give me a view of my future. I’d been a raging box of skin and bones intent on pushing everyone away after my mom died.

  “I hope not,” I told Becca. I knew you had already melted at much more than just my smile, but would it last?

  “Where did you meet her?”

  “Through Locke. He’s all over my ass about it,” I told her.

  “Locke wants to see you happy as much as I do.”

  “Not that happy apparently.”

  Becca laughed. “What? Is it his ex or something?”

  “No, like a sister.”

  Becca chuckled. “Well, honey, I can see why he wouldn’t want you to hook up with a sister unless you were serious.”

  I looked at Becca with grave eyes. “I think it is.”

  She smiled at me with a tenderness that would have repelled my younger self, but instead felt almost like relief. Did you know how serious we already were? Did you feel it in your soul like I did that it was meant to be?

  * * *

  That first night I picked you up at Freestorm started the biggest thing that exploded on us. That little weasel… I wish I had known more when I first met him.

  It was seven on the dot when I walked through the gym doors. You didn’t know that I had gotten there early and driven around the block several times before parking in the lot and entering the glass doors as my iPhone went from six-fifty-nine to seven o’clock. Wuss.

  You were behind the counter in a Freestorm t-shirt that clung to your little but lithe frame. You had your tyrant of curls pulled back in a ponytail that I immediately wanted to rip out. Instead, I smiled at you before leaning over the counter to draw your face towards mine. At first, I just inhaled your scent and looked into your beautiful blue-gray eyes but then I kissed you as if you’d been gone a month. It felt that way. We’d only been apart as long as we’d been together but it felt like much, much longer.

  You kissed me back with fervor, and I wanted to pull you across the counter, but instead you pulled back as kid laughter entered the office from the gym floor.

  A young girl was giggling up at us. She was followed by the weasel. Excuse me, the kid in his twenties who had a week’s worth of scruff on his chin that would have taken me a half a day to grow. The kid’s eyes narrowed as he took me in. You realize how ridiculous this was?

  “PJ. You okay?” The kid’s voice made me want to bust something because it was so obvious the twerp had a thing for you. I know you say you didn’t know, but Bella, it was so apparent to everyone else. My reaction to him was justified… you know it was.

  “Fine. Michael, this is Seth. Seth, Michael.” You waved a hand between us.

  I crossed my arms across my chest and widened my stance. Sorry. It’s instinctive. Male posturing. It just happens as soon as our testosterone invaded blood cells see any threat, however weak, on the horizon. I should have trusted those instincts more, but I was still trying not to scare you away.

  The kid eyed me and took his own protective stance. If you can call it that.

  “I’m Chloe,” the little girl said up at me with a pretty smile. The girl had some muscle on her for someone so little. Like you did. I was easily impressed by what you seemed to accomplish at Freestorm.

  “Nice to meet you,” I said with a nod. But I wouldn’t talk to the stupid kid who still thought he could take me on if I caused any problems.

  The door opened with a jingle of bells and a haggard woman in her thirties came rushing in.

  “So sorry. I know I’m late. Traffic. It’s always traffic. You ready, Chlo?”

  “Mom! You want to see me swing from the top of the rope ladder over to the climbing wall? I finally did it!” Chloe said all bubbles of excitement.

  “Not now, honey. We still have to pick up your brother and get dinner and there’s homework to be done.” The mom looked like she was going to burst with the anxiety of it all.

  “See you later, Chloe,” you said as the little girl was hauled out the door by the frantic mom. L.A. life at its best. Really just modern life.

  The stupid kid hadn’t taken off yet. He was waiting. You grabbed your duffle and came around the counter. I took the bag from you. You started to protest, but I just swung it onto my shoulder and grabbed your hand.

  “You ready?” I said with a growl that wasn’t directed at you.

  “Yep. Michael, you’ve got Justice’s noon class tomorrow, right?”

  Michael nodded but couldn’t take his eyes off our hands where they were joined together. He had his own bag at his feet that he picked up as we made our way out the door. You set the alarm and locked up as we left. The twerp still hung around as if he thought he could somehow stop us. He eyed me again, and his eyes dropped to my hand as it joined with yours again.

  “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” The kid said with clear disappointment in his tone.

  You were so oblivious to it, you just smiled and waved as I led you to my car. I tucked you into the passenger seat before making my way over to the driver’s side. Stupid was glowering at me still. I may have given him a one-fingered wave over the top of the car before getting in and driving out of the lot. And maybe if you’d been with someone else instead of me, the asshole, things would never have escalated like they did.

  “There’s a really good vegetarian place down the street,” you suggested.

  “Yeah? Maybe we’ll try that tomorrow. Tonight, I have other plans,” I told you and when I looked over at you in the dim light from the dashboard, I saw you flush at the thought of what our plans might be, and it did make me want to pull you over into my lap and make love to you, but I didn’t.

  “What plans?” you asked breathlessly. I grabbed your hand and rubbed my finger along the palm. I felt you tremble. I couldn’t resist. I brought your hand up settling a kiss there, and I felt the shiver that went all the way through you. It made me grin, knowing that I could do that to you. Stupid kid forgotten.

  “Not that. Not tonight.” I told you because I knew your mind had gone to tangled sheets and skin on skin.

  What you didn’t know was that I’d promised myself that I was going to be the perfect gentleman that night. I had a picnic basket that Becca had helped me put together. We were going to drive out to the pier and have a picnic watching the moon wake up over the ocean.

  It wasn’t near my house. I’d purposefully picked somewhere closer to the gym so that I wouldn’t have to be in the car for long without being able to really touch you. But, I also wasn’t going to let it be about sex. I needed you to know that I wanted you for more than sex.

  When we pulled up to the pier, I opened your door, helped you out, and grabbed the picnic basket and blanket from the trunk.

  “A picnic?” you said in surprise. But I didn’t know if your tone held laughter or disappointment.

  “Yep. Out in the open. Where I won’t be able to do anything more than kiss you.”

  “Oh,” you said and this time there was a furrow across your brow that told me you were overthinking it.

  I pulled you to me, kissed the furrow, and then proceeded down the side of your face down near your ear and back over to your mouth which I teased with my teeth. “Believe me Bella, I want to do more, but I’m not going to tonight. Tonight, I’m going to be on my best behavior.”

  I couldn’t keep the desire out of my voice. God. I really could have just walked down off the path to the beach and pulled you under the dock and…

  Instead, I got my head on straight and drew you down the wooden planks. I let go of your hand long enough to set up the blanket which you quickly helped with until we were both sitting on the cotton softness with the picnic basket between us as if neither of us could trust ourselves to be that close to each other.

  “How
’s the baby?” I asked. I poured you a glass of champagne and me a glass of sparkling cider then took out the tray of sushi and cold Pad Thai salad that I’d brought with me.

  “He’s so adorable.” Your face broke into a smile. And I remember thinking how much I loved that smile. I was spellbound by that smile. Spellbound by everything you did. Your furrow, your blush, your strength, your laugh….

  I barely heard you as you continued, “And Liv is doing really well. They got to go home today. I can tell they are both already itching to be back at the gym, but the baby can’t be around all those strangers for a couple of weeks. Not without more shots.”

  I was still caught up in my own thoughts. About how fucking gone I was over you. How I thought I might just be in love with you. And I just stared because I didn’t know how it was possible for you to have completely stolen the heart that just two days ago I had thought still belonged to someone else.

  “What? Do I have seaweed in my teeth?” you asked, suddenly self-conscious.

  I put my hand behind your head, pulled out the pony tail that I’d been longing to set free, and drew you as close to me as I could get with the picnic basket between us. I was kissing the hell out of you to keep from blurting out just how crazy I was about you. And you responded as you always did with an equal vigor that made me hard in two seconds.

  Laughter from the end of the dock brought me back to my sanity. I eased back but continued to stare down into your stunning, color changing eyes that were flashing with desire and emotion.

  “So. No seaweed?” you said with a sexy, sassy smirk.

  “No seaweed.”

  I handed you the champagne flute, and you took it.

  “Are you sure this is okay?” I could hear the concern in your voice. I knew you meant the champagne. But what you didn't realize was that someone else drinking alcohol wasn’t what ever made me need a drink. My fucking life and my fucking thoughts and trying to escape them both were what had always made me thirsty.

  “Absolutely.” And I watched while you took a tentative sip.

  “Champagne and I don’t usually get along. One of these, and I’ll feel it down to my toes,” you said making fun of yourself.

  “I can take care of your toes.” I heard your breath hitch, and I loved it. That I could make you react that way.

  “You aren’t doing a very good job,” you said breaking our stare and looking out at the ocean.

  “Of?”

  “Being on your best behavior.”

  I laughed and it felt good. I didn’t, don’t, laugh very often, but it felt like something I could get used to. You’d made me laugh a lot that weekend. You pulled on the sleeves of your Freestorm t-shirt which made me think of stupid from the gym. My smile faded.

  “What’s the deal with the schmuck at the gym?”

  “Who? Michael?” I could tell you were surprised by the change in conversation.

  “Drooler.”

  “What?”

  “How many times has he asked you out?”

  Your mouth dropped open. “Never. He’s not. It’s not…” You faded off, and I could see you were thinking about what I’d said and probably just realizing what the attention he showered you with meant, but you still shook your head in denial anyway. “Michael isn’t in to me that way. I think he even has a girlfriend.”

  I shook my head in disagreement.

  You punched me on the shoulder. “Don’t be like that.”

  I grabbed your hand and twisted it up so that I could kiss the palm again. “No more Michael.”

  “There isn’t any Michael.” You were staring at me with a very serious expression as if you were hoping I knew that you were telling the truth. And I did know. I swear. I did know, but I just couldn’t help the desire to strangle the kid till he knew there was no way he was ever going to be with you. So later, when my hands were on him, it shouldn’t have been a surprise.

  “Anyway. I don’t usually see him much. Our shifts hardly ever overlap. It’s just that we are all pulling extra shifts for Liv and Justice.”

  “Okay.”

  You frowned at me. “You don’t have a say in this.”

  “Okay.”

  “God, you can be so frustrating.” You tried to pull your hand from mine, but I gripped it harder and ran my tongue along the palm. You shivered next to me. It wasn’t cold outside. Man, I ached to make you shiver all over.

  “I can’t think when you touch me like that,” you said breathlessly. “I can’t think when you touch me at all. What’s wrong with me?”

  “Nothing. You’re perfect.”

  You stared at me for a long time and then took your hand back and went back to the food. We ate in silence. It wasn’t uncomfortable. I didn’t feel the need to fill the empty space with you. I didn’t feel any expectation from you that I normally felt when I was out with other women. They always expected to be entertained the entire time. You just seemed to want to be there in the silence and the moonlight. With me.

  Your phone rang, and you looked down at it and grimaced. I could see that it said, “Claire.”

  “I forgot to let her know I was going to meet you. I don’t want her to worry. Sorry.” You hit the speaker button. “Claire?”

  “Where are you? Did the Caterpillar break down? Do you need me to come get you?” Claire’s voice was full of worry. I liked so much that you had people looking out for you except that it also filled me with twinges of jealousy because I wanted to be the only one looking out for you.

  “No. Sorry. I forgot to tell you that Seth was picking me up for dinner.”

  “Ooooo-kay,” I could hear Claire’s laughter. “You forgot, or you didn’t want to tell me?”

  “I forgot.”

  Claire laughed. “Whatever makes you sleep easier, Butterfly. Hi Seth!”

  “Claire.”

  Silence. “You just gave me goosebumps. I bet PJ is covered in goosebumps and blushes every time you talk to her.”

  I was a little stunned. I’d been around a lot of forward females in my time. My dad’s gang in the Bronx was full of them, but Claire was so unexpected. Maybe because your world and that world of the Bronx seemed like polar opposites.

  “Behave yourself,” you admonished your friend.

  “Okay, but I won’t say the same to you. Be bad. Be really, really bad.”

  You tried to hide your discomfort in your curtain of curly hair. I brushed it aside and tipped your chin up so that I could kiss you.

  “PJ?” Claire said, “You there.”

  “We were being bad for you,” I teased, surprising even myself by the response.

  “Oh, you are so naughty,” she said. “Will you be home? The twins are asking that we finish our discussion from yesterday.”

  You sighed. “I’ll be back.”

  “Okay. We’ll wait up. But have fun. Love ya.”

  “Love you too.”

  You hung up and sighed a frustrated sigh. Your brows crunched together again as you played with the noodles on your plate.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing’s wrong per se. I’m just feeling… frustrated. Like I should be moving forward and I’m stuck.” You peeked at me and then away. “I bet you’ve never felt that way.”

  “You’d lose that bet.”

  “Really? When have you ever felt like the biggest failure since the Delorean?” You looked at me as if you couldn’t believe I’d ever had a moment of self-doubt. It reminded me that you really didn’t know very much about my crappy life.

  “More times than I can count. But mostly with my mom,” I found myself saying honestly. Even though I never talked about my mom. I’d rarely even discussed her with the shrink. Never at my AA meetings. Marisella and Mac knew the story, but we didn’t discuss it.

  You looked abashed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have… You’re just so intimidating and focused. It’s like you have this plan for yourself, and you don’t let anyone get in your way.”

  “I’m intimidating?”
I said, lips twitching.

  “You know you are.” And when I looked into your eyes, I saw nothing but good things reflected there. It made me feel like a fraud but it also made me want to live up to your expectations. Cam used to make me feel that way. Like I could be more than I was, but it had been a long time since I’d ever thought it could be a possibility again.

  “What’s happened to make you feel this way now?”

  You played with your hair, twisting the curls back up into a messy bun. I just reached over and pulled it out again so that the twirls spilled out around your face and down your shoulder and onto your breast.

  “My roommates.”

  “The twins?”

  You smiled. “They aren’t really twins. They aren’t even sisters. Haley and Mina are just good friends but they act so much alike and want the same things, so Claire and I just call them the twins. They are wannabe actresses, and we had a plan to move to New York after graduation together.”

  I froze.

  “You’re not moving,” I know it sounded like a command to you, but my damn heart almost stopped altogether at the thought of you moving away. That was on our second date. So, you can imagine why I reacted how I did later.

  At the time, even though I know you heard the command in my tone, you chose to ignore it. “Not that you’d have a say, but I’m not.”

  “Good!”

  You smacked me playfully, and I realized you didn’t have a clue how serious I was. How just the thought of you moving made me want to tie you up at my house and never let you go.

  “The twins are pissed because all four of us were going to move, but I didn’t get accepted into Pratt, and Claire has decided to accept one of the law schools here in town, and now they’re stuck trying to find a place on the cheap for two instead of four.”

  You tried to hide it, but I could tell that not getting accepted into Pratt had hurt you to your core. The rejection. And I was torn because on the one hand I was full of relief that they’d turned you down, but I also wanted to strangle whoever it was that had made the decision and made you feel like you weren’t good enough.

  “What were you going to do at Pratt?” I asked.

  “Art Management.”