my life as a rock album

by LJ Evans

  Her insides flipped.

  “So, Seth. PJ says you live on the beach?” Haley said with a little note of envy.

  He gave her a curt nod. His fingers were running higher and higher up the inside of PJ’s thigh making it difficult to concentrate on the conversation.

  “Do you have any famous neighbors?”

  “Knock it off, Haley,” Claire chimed in.

  “What?” Haley said innocently.

  “God, not everyone has a famous next-door neighbor. You act like this is your first time in L.A.” Claire retorted with exasperation.

  “The majority of people’s breaks come from knowing the right person. The more people you know, the better chances you have,” Haley pouted her perfectly colored lips.

  “He has an obnoxious teenage girl living nearby, does that count?” PJ said trying to sound calm while inside she was shaking with desire.

  “Is she famous?” Mina chimed in.

  “Oh. My. God. I have to dance.” Claire jumped out of the booth and pulled on PJ’s hands. “Come on, Butterfly.”

  “You want to come?” PJ looked down at Seth trembling from his hands as much as the lack of his hands on her.

  He shook his head with a barely imperceptible look towards his groin. And it made her smile as she realized he couldn’t stand up now if he wanted to.

  She let Claire pull her back onto the dance floor. As she danced, PJ kept an eye on the table. She could see Mina and Haley trying to engage Seth in conversation, and she could see Seth being equally as rude as he was before.

  He watched her instead. It made her self-conscious. She knew she was blushing all over her body. In places she hadn’t known she could turn colors. Claire noticed.

  “God. You have it bad.”

  PJ smiled. “I know.”

  “First you don’t go crazy on him for calling you his piece of property and now you’re blushing as if he just got you naked on the dance floor.”

  PJ shrugged.

  Seth had spread his long legs out and had his arms crossed over his muscled chest. His eyes were hooded as he watched her. She could feel those eyes raking over every inch of her, and her body lit up as if it was his fingers and not his eyes that were caressing her. She wasn’t sure how she kept moving.

  “I’m a little worried about you. You’ve known this guy less than a week,” Claire said.

  “I know. I have to say, sometimes I worry about me too. But, I also know that I’ve never felt this way with anyone. Ever.”

  And that was the truth she had to focus on. She was worried about why she was with him and why he was with her, but at the end of the day, she felt something with him that she’d never felt before, and that would have to be enough for now. She’d have to find a way to trust her own heart again.

  The song ended, and Claire wrapped her arm through PJ’s as they stared at the table for a second. “Honey, in that case, all I can say is ride that until it breaks.”

  Which made PJ laugh and slap at her.

  As they made their way back to the table, her phone in her back pocket chirped and vibrated.

  NO CALLER: The monster you left at the table is going to toss you aside when he’s through just like the others. Don’t let him. Send him packing.

  Her stomach fell again, this time for a completely different reason. She scanned the room for eyes on her, but she didn’t see anyone watching. It gave her the willies. Was he still here or had he left? Had he followed her here? Her mind drifted momentarily to the D-boy, but she didn’t know him. She’d never met him before tonight, had she?

  No Caller acted like he knew her past. Her secrets. The ones she couldn’t tell Seth about because if he reacted like he had tonight over a guy flirting with her, how would he react if he knew all the sordid details of those awful years? Her secret little box in her mind slammed shut.

  Her mood was different when they got back to the table. Another round had been brought, but she didn’t touch it. The girls danced more, dragging her with them, but she wasn’t in the mood anymore. And when more men followed them back to the table, she was full of nerves and Seth was full of impatience.

  “Are you done here?” It was said as a question, but PJ could hear the demand in it as well. She wanted to say no just to prove a point, but she was done and his hands running down her bare arms made her think about what he’d do to her when they got back to his house, so she nodded instead.

  “We’re gonna take off,” she said breathlessly to Claire and the twins.

  “What?” Mina said with a slur. “No. We only have a few more weeks together. Then we’ll be across the country and you’ll be stuck with Justice and the baby. You have to stay. It’s not even eleven o’clock.”

  “What’s this?” Seth asked curtly.

  PJ waved him off.

  “You’re already plastered. In another twenty minutes, you’ll be ready for bed yourself.”

  One of the guys snickered. PJ glared at him. Mina hit him on his over-defined pecs. “Fine, but after we graduate, and before we move, you have to promise us an all-nighter.”

  Seth’s hand on PJ’s waist tightened. He didn’t like it. PJ could tell that, but it was her life and her friends that were moving away not his. And she wouldn’t let her friendships be defined by him.

  “Fine, fine.” She leaned over the table and gave them all a quick hug.

  “Nightie night Seth and PJ,” Claire winked at them. “Don’t sleep too much.”

  “God, you're awful,” PJ squeezed her friend’s hand, and then let Seth pull her through the bar.

  PJ couldn’t help but stare at the sea of faces as she went. But no one caught her eye with a knowing look, and she tried to shake away the creeps as the fresh air hit them after the stuffiness of the club.

  She made her way to Claire’s car, retrieving her bag with the extra key she’d had for as long as Claire and her had been friends, and then she let Seth lead her to his Porsche.

  He hadn’t said much since they’d danced on the dance floor. Then again, Seth never spoke a lot. She glanced over at him as he drove. He seemed like he was far away, and she needed to think about Seth and not No Caller, so she prodded him back from wherever he’d gone.

  “Where are you?” she asked.

  He looked over at her with serious eyes. “Do you go there often?”

  “Not as much as we used to. Claire works there and gets us free drinks when she’s working.”

  But PJ wondered if she’d ever feel comfortable there again with unseen eyes watching her.

  She could tell Seth didn’t like it either because his jaw tightened and his hands clenched the steering wheel.

  “Seth. I’m not interested in those other guys. If I were, I wouldn’t be here with you,” she said hoping she could reassure one of them.

  He looked over at her with eyes full of unexpressed feelings. He was quietly fuming, but she couldn’t tell if it was at her or the guys or himself. She shook her head and the curls suddenly were annoying. She pulled her hair up into a bun, wrapping the hair tie she’d had on her wrist around it.

  Seth looked like he wanted to tear it back out, but he didn’t. Instead he asked, “Why are you moving in with Justice?”

  And that finally took her mind from an unwanted text with a bang of dissatisfaction. She looked out the window. “I told you. After graduation, Mina and Haley are moving to New York.”

  “But why does that mean you’re moving?”

  “Claire’s moving in with her aunt so that she can afford law school,” PJ continued her stare out at the darkness, giving a small shrug that she saw reflected back at her in the glass.

  “And?”

  “Well. I can’t afford to live on my own.” Her cheeks flamed. She was graduating and hadn’t found a job because she’d thought she’d be going to grad school, and now that was out the window too. The feeling of failure sunk into her gut.

  In the window reflection, she saw Seth glance at her as if he was taking in not only her words but
the emotion behind them.

  “You don’t need to live on your own.”

  “It’s just such a hassle finding new roommates. It’s easier this way.” PJ couldn’t help the defeat from seeping into her voice. And as much as she knew Liv and Justice would be thrilled to have her, she’d just feel like she was invading on their new family unit when it was the least appropriate time to do so.

  “I meant you should move in with me.”

  She turned to him in shock. And then laughed. “That’s not even funny.”

  “I wasn’t trying to be funny.”

  “It’s ridiculous. We hardly know each other.”

  He pulled into his garage and turned to her.

  “I think we know each other pretty well.” He pulled out the hair band that she’d just put in, tangling his hand in her hair, resting it at her neck. She could hardly breathe let alone think when he was looking at her like that, but she knew what he was asking was crazy.

  “You know that’s not what I mean.”

  She pulled away and opened the door. He was at her side in a flash, taking her bag from her hand. They went in through the garage door. There were no lights on in the house, but the moon was out, and it reflected on the ocean and shone in through his huge picture windows. It was a beautiful sight.

  He dropped her bag and pulled her to him, arms tightening as he looked down with eyes that even in the darkness seemed to shimmer like tidepools on a summer day.

  “I want you here with me.” His voice turned husky with desire and it filled her with a returning flame. He ran his fingers along her palm and up the inside of her arm and down alongside her breast before sliding over her nipple that had hardened under his touch.

  She trembled and pulled away from him.

  “No,” she backed up another step. “You know I can’t think when you touch me.”

  He closed the distance that she’d made, and then he was kissing her until her whole body was on fire again. He slipped his hands under the hem of her shirt and pulled it off before she could even think to protest. Her body was not protesting at all. Her body was yelling for more. To be closer. But her brain was desperately trying to process all the information. To respond.

  Every place his hand touched, his lips followed, and before she knew it, he’d stripped her of her clothes. And then he stopped and stared at her with the moonlight shimmering in through the window.

  “God, you’re exquisite.”

  And when he picked her up by the waist, her legs curled around him automatically. He carried her into his bedroom. She kissed his neck slowly, finding her way over his chin and to his mouth. She bit at his lower lip, and he growled a response, pulling her down with him onto the bed.

  “Move in with me,” he demanded between kisses on her throat.

  “What? No. Stop talking.”

  He kissed her senseless. Hands and lips moving against her body in a pattern that drew her closer to the edge of forgetfulness.

  “Move in with me.”

  She shook her head.

  He continued his onslaught of kisses and touch.

  “Move in with me.”

  “Seth.”

  He ran a hand over her body, and down the front of her until it rested between her legs. All he had to do was run one finger there for her to gasp with desire.

  And then, suddenly he stopped. He stopped touching her altogether, and she felt the withdrawal as if she’d been given a shot of ice up her spine. Her eyes flew open, and he was looking down at her with eyes that were demanding something. More than she knew how to give.

  “Seth!” She moaned at his absence.

  “Say you’ll move in with me.”

  “Oh God,” PJ moaned again, pushing herself closer, but he withheld his touch.

  “Say it, Bella.”

  “I’ll… move in.” And he smiled so breathtakingly at her that all he had to do was touch her once more, and she was over the edge.

  * * *

  When she woke, it was to a room that she was coming to love. With the same dusky sunlight filtering in through the slats and the sound of the ocean crashing against the shore, soothing her. She could smell coffee and eggs. She turned over to see Seth’s side of the bed empty. He was an early riser.

  She slid into his t-shirt and found her panties on the floor. She used the restroom and looked again in the mirror that a week ago saw her happy and sated as well as sick and guilty. Now, she was rosy with happiness again. And she didn’t want to overthink it. She didn’t want to see the sad girl today. She didn’t want to think about regrets or unwanted texts. She pulled her sloppy curls up as always and then went in search of Seth.

  She found him cooking in the kitchen again. She loved that he cooked. She didn’t. Doesn’t. There were times when he’d tried to teach her in that same kitchen, but it had never ended the way they had intended it to. She was an awful cook and still got no enjoyment out of it. Top Ramen was her number one meal.

  He was wearing another pair of flannel pajama bottoms and no top. She stared at his chiseled frame. Even the scar that traveled his entire side couldn’t make him less unbearably sexy. She barely stopped herself from running her fingers along his muscles. But, she knew if she touched him, she wouldn’t be able to have the conversation she knew she needed to have with him.

  He looked up and smiled his heart-wrenching smile at her. The one that didn’t appear very often, and when it did, it was always at her. That made her heart flip over. He eased toward her, and she backed away putting the kitchen table between them.

  “Seth, we need to talk.”

  “Kiss me. Then talk.”

  “If I kiss you, I won’t be able to talk.”

  His lips twitched, trying not to smile, and she wanted to smack him and kiss him at the same time. He stood, feet apart and arms crossed over his naked chest. She swallowed hard trying to not get caught up in her own reaction to his body.

  “It’s about what we… uh… talked about last night.”

  He waited expectantly.

  “I can’t move in with you.”

  It took only those words for him to shift from happy to another emotion. Not quite angry, but something near it. “You said you would.”

  “Yes. Well. We both know that what I said last night was said under quite a bit of duress.”

  “Duress?” And when she’d thought he’d smirk at that, he didn’t. He was actually upset.

  “Yes. And, we don’t know each other hardly at all. I may have some very obnoxious habits that you can’t stand. Maybe I’m a slob. Maybe I don’t pick up any of my clothes or dishes.”

  “Lots of roommates know each other far less.”

  “But we wouldn’t be just roommates, would we?” She couldn’t help the doubt that wiggled into her words and how her voice shook.

  “No. We wouldn’t be just roommates.”

  He reached for her but she moved around the table further. He gave chase. Every step she made, he seemed to take two.

  “Stop.” She put her hand out and moved again but somehow, impossibly, he seemed even closer. Any minute now she was going to be within reach of his arms.

  “You know this doesn’t make any sense.”

  “You already said yes.”

  And he had her and was pulling her towards him. She collided with his chest. Its smooth planes ran up along her breast, speaking to her body in a way only his body could.

  “Tell me something about you. Something I don’t know,” she said shakily.

  “I don’t like it when people go back on their word.” His voice was gritty, and he put his hand in her tangle of hair and pulled so that her face was looking up to him.

  She huffed out a breath. “That’s hardly what I meant.”

  He kissed her. Hard and possessively, and then surprisingly, he let her go. She didn’t think he would until she’d given in again, but as he held her hand and drew her over to the counter, she realized he thought she’d already given in.

  He went back
to the stove and dished up plates of fruit and eggs and toast. He slid it to her on the counter before joining her.

  “What do you want to know?” he asked.

  She stopped with the eggs half way up to her mouth. Okay. Maybe he hadn’t assumed she’d already given in. She frowned. “How did you get your scar?”

  “My asshole father.”

  She stopped and turned on the stool so that her legs were tangled with his. “What?” she strangled out in shock.

  He didn’t respond.

  “Jesus,” she breathed.

  He kept eating. It was almost as if he was distancing himself from the discussion. And she wondered, not for the first time, if Seth’s hard exterior was also protecting him from the pain of the things within. Just like her own wall was hiding the twisted mess she was inside. A tangled knot of cords that no one wanted to unwind. Except, she did want to unwind his.

  “Is that why you went to live with your grandparents?”

  “No.”

  “Why did you?”

  “Bella, this is not what I meant. You want to know what I will be like as a roommate. I’m neat. I like things neat. I won’t be pissed if you don’t do the dishes, I’ll just do them myself.”

  “But isn’t it all related?”

  “How I like to keep my shower clean is related to how my parents couldn’t stay sober long enough to keep CPS away?” he said with a flash that let her know he was hiding the pain inside and didn’t want her to see it.

  She was speechless. Unable to say more as she thought about a young Seth living with addicts who couldn’t take care of him. But, she also knew he didn’t want her pity.

  “I work long hours in my studio. Sometimes I don’t even know that a day has passed until my stomach growls in protest.” He moved on in the wake of her silence.

  “Well. I can make sure you won’t forget the time,” she teased. Letting him move on from the discussion he didn’t want to have even though she knew she hadn’t heard enough.

  He rubbed his fingers along her thigh. “I’m sure you will.”

  “That’s not what I meant. See. This is exactly the problem. All we’ve really done is have sex.”