I can see the medical staff trying. They are trying so hard, but Nana is old and sick and I know in my heart that this is it. I don’t know how long they keep going for because time seems frozen, but all of us seem to sense when it’s over. Then the doctor’s shoulders slump, the nurses glance past him to us. It’s like my chest is collapsing in on itself. I try to look away because I know she’s gone, but I can’t.
Finally, I let go of the breath I was holding, my feet moving even though I’m completely numb. Richard moves past me into the room, and I hear my Mom call out to him, crying. Nursing staff leave the room. Needing the space from everyone and everything, I follow them out and run down the hall, trying to place where I am. The guys are calling for me but I ignore them.
I can’t breathe.
The moment I’m in the bathroom stall, I let out the sob that’s been building up inside of me all night. I should hold it back, calm down even, but it just gets worse.
Memories of Nana flow through me. When she was healthy, pushing me on the tire swing in her backyard, letting me help her bake brownies, smiling her dazzling smile. My shoulders sag as I slump against the toilet, not giving a damn about how grossed out I should be. It feels like everything I’ve ever eaten comes back up, my stomach wrenching in on itself even when it’s long been emptied. I desperately wipe at my mouth, the sour taste not doing me any good.
I don’t know how much time has passed, but it feels like an eternity before I hear someone on the other side of the bathroom door.
“Milly? Are you okay?”
The door muffles his voice but I know it’s Dane, just like I know Dylan is standing close by frowning uncomfortably while Drew is the one I can hear begin to anxiously pace the floor.
I take a deep breath, wishing they’d just go away. I don’t want them to see me like this. No such luck, though, when I hear the bathroom door creak as it opens.
“I’m coming in. Sorry if there’s anyone else in here,” Dane mumbles.
I stare at the floor, find the pair of black sneakers taking cautious steps toward the stall.
“C’mon, Mills. Come out here. I don’t want to have to climb under there. I mean I will, but I don’t want to.”
“Go-way, Dane,” I mumble, wiping my mouth on some tissue.
“No, baby. We’re not going anywhere,” he says.
“Come out, Mills,” Dylan says.
A whole well of sadness pours out of me now. Why is it that grief drives you to be alone when what you really need are arms around you and a voice to tell you everything’s okay? I need them to hold me together. I shuffle to my feet using more tissue to wipe my face. Sliding the lock out of place, I let the door swing open, and when I look up, he’s there, his eyes full of concern, his arms wide open. He doesn’t say anything when I walk into them and let him hold me like I’m a precious child who’s scraped their knee. He says nothing when I sob against his chest, struggling to catch my breath. He just holds me and lets me be. He holds me until I’ve cried myself out and my heart has slowed. Then he tells me they are here for me and that whatever I need from them, I’ve only got to ask. I nod because there are no words on the tip of my tongue, only a swell of love in my heart. I tell him I’m ready to go outside, and he leads me out into the hallway where Dylan and Drew are waiting, arms crossed and faces marred with concern. They look to Dane and he nods.
Both of them seem to relax a little.
“Mills, your aunt is getting ready to leave. She just finished signing some paperwork I guess. Dad took Kelly back to their hotel room a few minutes ago. He uh, wants us to help take care of you and make sure you’re okay,” Dane says, letting go of the arm he was protectively resting his hand against.
Passing by a large window to another section of the hospital, I catch my reflection in the glass, startled at just how awful I look. My hair is all over the place, my face puffy and red. Any make-up I had on is long gone. I quickly wipe at my face, embarrassed. I don’t want the guys to think I’m just some weak girl who needs to be coddled, but my mind is so exhausted by everything that’s going on that it barely registers as we walk to the elevators.
The car ride is eerily quiet. I roll my window down, glad for the fresh air even in the middle of the night, wondering how the hell I’m going to get any sleep tonight.
The tears don’t seem to want to quit just yet. Every time I think about Nana they silently slip down my face, soaking the front of my shirt. I can feel the triplets glancing across at me every so often. Nana’s soft words echo through my mind. Would she understand the crazy situation I’m in? Would she believe that it could be possible to love more than one man at the same time?
All this time I’ve been trying to push my feelings about Dane, Dylan and Drew down deep inside. I’ve tried to make light of it. Play it off as a crazy sexual fantasy. Make believe that I can just switch back into stepsister mode after everything that’s happened. I’ve tried to diminish their motivations for pursuing me, but I know how I feel in my heart about my stepbrothers.
But Nana’s gone, and mom is suffering, and I’m so sad that all I want to do is curl up on a bed and cry myself to sleep. Most of all, I know that I don’t want to be alone right now. As we get to the hotel, I find myself craving their warmth. I need them to be near me. I need them to hold me.
Inside the reception, the pretty, younger front desk attendant raises her head. “Good evening. Checking in?” I try to pretend that I don’t notice the way she drooling over my stepbrothers. They don’t pay her more than passing, polite attention, too focused on sorting out our accommodation and checking that I’m still holding it together.
It’s nicely decorated and blissfully cool in here. Drew slides her a credit card, nodding. “We need two rooms. Preferably next to each other, or at least close by.”
“No.” The word is out of my mouth before I’ve even registered. Everyone turns to me. “I don’t want to be alone,” I whisper to Dane.
The triplets turn to the attendant. “One family room,” Drew amends. She raises her eyebrows. Maybe it was the word family because while they are very obviously related, I don’t look like them at all.
It feels like my legs are made of lead. I don’t know which is more tired—my mind or my body. When we do make it to the room, the bed is practically calling for me. The clock on the nightstand flashes a bright red 3:18. No wonder I’m so tired.
“I’ll fix the temperature, you guys help her get situated,” Drew says, slinging my tote bag onto the desk chair.
Part of me knows this isn’t right, that I shouldn’t be taking advantage of how they feel about me, but all I want is for them to hold me. To feel them support me while I come undone. When I peel my shirt and pants off, I don’t even blush. It’s nothing they haven’t seen before, anyway.
The triplets seem to understand exactly what I need. Dane pulls back the covers and the three of them get undressed down to their underwear, too. I manage to pull myself up and under the covers, and bury my face in the pillow.
I feel them all getting into bed around me. Hands caress my hair, my shoulder, my back. It takes a while but I relax, and my body finally gives way to the pull of sleep.
19
My eyelids feel heavy, but not as heavy as the massive limbs thrown across my body. Even still, I don’t mind them. I feel safe, lying here with the triplets. The sound of their breathing is comforting.
That is until the knocking starts.
Drew’s the first to stir, but when we hear Richard’s voice through the door we all scramble out of the bed, nearly tripping over each other.
“Dane,” he shouts. Even though he’s only a couple of minutes older than the other two, he’s always first. “I know you’re in there! We checked downstairs.”
“Milly,” mom calls softly. “Are you in there, sweetie?”
Her voice is high pitched as though she’s worried I actually might be.
I guess leaving us in the same house unsupervised was one thing, but finding out we
might all be sharing one hotel room is another! I don’t really blame them for being concerned.
“Will you open up?” Rich shouts. “Drew, Dylan.”
I look around at us, all standing in our underwear. This looks bad. Even if you had a completely innocent mind, the amount of morning wood staring back at me looks pretty damning. There’s a rushing sound in my ears, and I scramble around to find my clothes. “Wait, Drew!” I hiss.
Spotting my pants tangled up with someone else’s, I grab them and shove in my legs, practically out of breath but the time Drew pulls the door open. Both Mom and Richard barge in, ignoring Drew, looking around as though they’re trying to work out what the hell is going on.
They suspect something for sure.
My stomach sinks.
I can’t bring myself to look around the room because I already know what it looks like, especially with Dane just now slipping his shirt over his head.
Richard looks like he’s about to bust a vein in his forehead, but Mom’s the first to say anything. “What’s going on, Milly?” I can tell by how puffy and red her eyes look, she hasn’t stopped crying about Nana. Suddenly I feel sick with guilt if anything here is going to cause her extra worry.
“Is someone going to answer?” Richard growls, taking another step closer to the guys. “When I checked my statement, I noticed only one room was booked, which didn’t make a lick of sense. One king bed? Nowhere else to sleep?” He shakes his head, looking over at Mom.
Dylan tries to shuffle his way in front of his dad, but Richard sees the bed first, sees the way the sheets and covers are all twisted up, slept in. I didn’t think it was possible, but he’s even angrier. “Is this what’s going on?” he waves his hand around. “Is this what I think it is?” His eyes sweep from his sons to me. “All of you? Sleeping together?”
“Milly?”. Mom looks at me with disbelief.
I can’t bear it. Not now when she’s grieving. “It’s not like that, mom.”
Dane stands beside me, his voice low so only I can hear. “There’s no point, Milly.”
I yank myself away from him, desperate for this situation to go away. “I know what it looks like, but believe me, it’s not. Mom, you know me better than that.”
Out of the corner of my eye, Drew folds his arms across his chest, his eyes narrowing at me.
Rich and Mom still don’t look convinced. I’m going to need to say more to make them believe me. “I mean, god. They’re my stepbrothers, mom,” I add, pulling a disgusted face. “That’s just wrong.”
Dylan snorts, shaking his head beside Drew. “Nice, Milly.”
I ignore him and keep going because I’m on a roll. “I’d never sleep with them. All the girls at school talk about what they get up to! They’re dogs.”
Dane steps back from me, and when I try and look over my shoulder I’m haunted by what I see. The three of them, wearing the same pained and angry expression. Looking right through me. It hits me then, that they were willing to confess the truth, no matter the consequences.
They’re crazy.
This is never going to end up in a happy ever after. Look at Rich and Mom. They looked like they were going to burst a blood vessel.
“You sure, Mills?” Mom asks, still sounding suspicious. “Where did you all sleep then?”
I drop my head. “I was having a really hard time last night. I didn’t want to be alone.” At least this part was true.
Mom’s shoulders slump as she wrings her hands, looking unfocused. “We’ll need to be ready to go soon since it’s almost check-out time. Milly, you come with us back to our room. You can get a shower there if you want.”
“And you three? Drive the car back home, will you? We’ll have a nice little chat once you’re back,” Richard says, clearly not believing any of it. I guess he knows his sons too well.
“Yes, sir,” the three of them sullenly reply.
I scoop up my tote bag, trying my best to keep a straight face. I don’t even have to look at them to feel the disappointment rolling off them in waves.
I can’t bring myself to say goodbye to them before following Mom and Richard out the door. I fall in step behind them, my legs feeling like lead with each step I take away from the guys. While Mom and Richard talk about funeral preparations in the front seat, I pop in my earbuds and turn up my music. My heart squeezes when I hear a song that reminds me of them.
This is bad.
And now it feels like there is no going back.
20
The rest of my finals come and go over the next week. I throw myself into studying to keep away from everyone else in the house and to numb the grief. While I’m focused on the work everything seems to be okay. Then Nana’s memorial takes place, and I’m there with mom to receive the ashes from the funeral home. It brings everything back up for both of us. I’m there with mom again to help her and Auntie Amanda sort through Nana’s things. It’s a long emotional day filled with happy memories and sad goodbyes to some of the items she treasured in her life.
And when all of that is done, I feel like there is a huge hole in my life.
My phone buzzes on my nightstand, and I groan as I roll over, seeing how late it is on my bright-lit alarm clock. The phone vibrates again, so I fumble for it.
Even though I put out word that I need some alone time, Falon wants to come over and celebrate the end of the term. All I want to do is stay in my room and avoid having to face Dane, Dylan, and Drew, but Falon’s determined to find a way to cheer me up. “You know your Nana wouldn’t want you moping like this. She was cool like that,” she says. If it was anyone else I’d be mad as hell, but Falon is just speaking her truth, and she’s right. Nana would want me living my life. She certainly wouldn’t want me wasting time feeling sad about her.
Falon’s not the only one I’ve been trying to avoid. It’s been so hard…trying to preserve this illusion in the house like everything’s normal and nothing weird is going on. Especially because this time, the triplets are very obviously avoiding me, too.
They won’t look me in the eye. They make up excuses about hanging out with friends outside of the house. Or they stay really late training with their teams. Things that I guess make sense but still feel like a slap in the face even still.
I can’t really blame them after what I said…
I settle into my usual spot on the sectional—Mom and Rich pick a movie for everyone to watch together as a family, and as much of a fight as the triplets put up about the whole thing, they finally come down the steps from their rooms. No one looks at me as they take places on the couch. They’re only a few feet, but they might as well be miles away.
It’s an action movie from a franchise that probably should’ve died off years ago, but at least it gives me an excuse to sneak glances in their direction. Doesn’t matter though, not when they pretend to be incredibly interested in their phones, or in Dylan’s case, in the movie. No one seems to remember I’m here.
This is how it’s been in the house since the incident at the hotel. Between Mom crying in her room and not wanting to do anything, Rich being preoccupied with her, and the guys actively ignoring me, I feel like I live in the house by myself.
The worst part? I miss them. Deep in my bones, I miss them.
Dinners aren’t the same without them being ridiculous and goofing off, laughing at their own dumb jokes. I even miss them eating everything before I’ve even gotten to the table. When I put the dishes away yesterday it hit me, seeing the empty muffin tins stacked neatly back on the shelves. Dane’s stopped baking.
Dylan’s speakers aren’t crooning with sad country songs anymore, making the rest of us pretend to plug our ears as we passed his room.
And Drew…he’s lost his edge like the sharpest knife gone dull. His usual sarcastic, charming smile is gone.
It’s like a light’s gone off in the house and I don’t know what to do to switch it back on again.
It feels like it’s all my fault.
They haven’t
even been spending that much time with their Dad. When the sports channel flickers on in the middle of the afternoon after Rich gets home from work the guys would usually hop over the back of the sectional, snag the remote from him, bouncing between the many sports channel. Dylan would always get hit in the head with pillows by his brothers when he’d change it to basketball. I always pretended to roll my eyes at their laughing, annoying yelling and shouting at the TV. I pretended to hate a lot of things about my stepbrothers that I find myself missing now.
I guess it’s true that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.
My stomach clenches in on itself as Drew gets up, nudging the other two.
“We gotta get going. See you later,” he says, not bothering to say much else after Dylan and Dane follow behind him.
“Hey! I thought we were all going to watch the movie?” Rich calls out to them, shaking his head as Mom curls up closer to him, leaning against his chest. “Those boys, I swear.”
Pulling the blanket around me tighter, I give in to the aching that’s filling me up inside, trying to fight it back with rational thinking.
I know what Nana said about following my heart no matter what, but there’s no way she would have meant to fight for this weird situation. For this eight-legged kind of freak show love. If that’s what it even was…
And they’ve given up so easily on me just because I didn’t want to tell our parents about us. Call me crazy, but to me, that’s what any sane person would do in our situation. Right? It’s not like they’re fighting for my love or anything. All it took was a few words to keep our secret, and they’re pissed at me. They’ve switched off.
It’s about time I get sensible about this.
We live in the same house.
They’re my stepbrothers.
There’s three of them.
There’s only one of me.
The world is totally not ready for this.
I can tell myself all the reasons why I need to just forget about them.
HUGE 3D: A MFMM MENAGE STEPBROTHER ROMANCE (HUGE SERIES Book 5) Page 10